Tag Archives: Beach

Dropping Tears of Rage to the Floor

My dream starts off in a dim cafeteria that only has small windows towards the top of the double story ceiling to provide any light; I’m volunteering through hannaford by servicing people in need when I hear a familiar voice “I wanna see carol, I miss her so much.” I’d recognize that pouty voice anywhere since I served her for almost 3 years as her team leader. I come rushing around the corner and give becky a huge hug and begin cry my eyes out with her on her shoulder, saying I’m sorry over and over again. Danielle, my supervisor at hannafords, looks on fondly.

Later I run into my former boss Sarah, and ask her how I can help out. She hands me a box of gift cards to be stocked from local stores and restaurants, mostly from outback steak house. I dropped the box as I’m walking away and they all spread across the floor; the box is no longer usable. I organize the cards in piles and pick them back up, and drop them again, but they remain mostly in the piles I put them in. I put them away and look to the back of the room… That’s when I see her… Gina. She now drops something and I go over to help her pick it up. She doesnt know I’m here and doesn’t make eye contact, so in my generosity there’s a spiteful “fuck you I’m nice” element. “Kill them with kindness” comes to mind.

“Oh im so glad you guys are here. The work you all do is wonderful; you guys should come work for us” she says with a faux simper.

“Sorry, but I already did that once before, and I’ll never do it again.”

She finally looks at me and I’m beaming at her. She’s stunned, and I continue on holding on to my power and a slow simmering rage towards her to exert my dominance, tell her how much I love my job now, and how much it’s a shame that I’ll never work for such a terrible employer again. Gina struggles to find a snarky comment, and I leave before she gets the chance.

This time I’ve given a clothing donation to take care of,  but to my horror my dirty shirt and 2 pairs of underwear are among them! I’m trying desperately to conceal them by wrapping them up in a bundle, but they keep falling out and the stack gets bigger and heavier. Gina walks by and snarks “you should be more careful next time” with a smirk on her face. I ignore her and make it sound as if I can’t hear her. I brush it off and pick myself back up, not wanting to be phased.

In the next row I hear someone say “oh look, it’s carol Simpson! Oh, never mind, you’re too tall! Ha ha ha” when I look I see Ellen had said that to Bee in gest as a way of making fun of me. “Oh fuck you” I scream at the top of my lungs, but no one hears me or cares in a room crawling with people. I storm off and try to center myself.

I’m outside and near a body of water I think, but before me buried in sand is a bunch of stones – onyx, hemetite, jasper, sun stone, moon stone… And these are all mine! They’re from my bedroom! My brother Jim is nearby, and where he’s stolen from me before I furiously storm up and confront him. “DID YOU TAKE MY STONES” I screm at full force. Jim can’t take ownership of what he’s done, and mom and big Jim are now standing to my left. “Just tell her you did it” mom says, since jims face is now twisted with embarrassment and guilt. He says he did, and I launch into a speech asking him why he feels it’s okay to treat me like shit and disrespecting me through my belongings, but most importantly those are healing stones, and he tried to sabotage my ability to heal in stealing them.

Just then my mother snarks “ironic isn’t it; now you know how I feel.” She was referring to when I was 14 I had stolen from her, but when I tried to explain to her that was different cause little jim is now an adult, big Jim (his dad) steps in and says something, but I don’t remember what it was. I know I threw my hand up in a “stop” gesture, and told him I didn’t give a shit what someone as abusive and negligent as him has to say; what I do know is that I was seething with rage.

Suddenly there’s a restaurant dining room connected too the home kitchen I’m standing in, and I’m screaming at mom and Jim, but they don’t care and disregard me as crazy and irrational with a whole restaurant of people judging me silently and taking my moms side. I felt like telling people off in that moment and defending myself as not crazy, but I chose to ignore them instead, pretending the kitchen is a barrier that keeps me safe from the crowd of diners. Little Jim never apologized, and I don’t recover all my stones from the beach; there was one in particular that has gone missing and I start contemplating making Jim pay me back or just buy me a new one.


Days gone by

First real day of spring and I am so happy to have spent it outside! First I got my crew from work out the door to do a little bit of walking through some trails, then I took the other crew to the beach to enjoy the ocean…. last I took myself hiking up a mountain and past a waterfall. Yep, today was pretty awesome. Oh! All the frogs were coming out of the ponds! I saw at least 60 of them that I could count, and had about 12 of them near by. I’m sure there were more than 60 but thats the best I could do chillin out by the pond for 10 minutes. 😀

Other than that, still soul digging into who I am. I have such a hard time fighting anxiety since it seems so residual, but I’m hoping to learn otherwise.

Seaside Reunion


My dream starts off at this house with a picnic table at the back. Moms side of the family has all united for a reunion, and somehow I’m the one managing certain aspects about it.

Then the dream setting shifts, and were all at the beach saying goodbye to one another. I gave aunt Angie a hug, but something about it felt a little…off; mean even. The vibe from her was disturbing, though she smiled and acted as if she missed me.

I turn around and look behind me to see my cousins, Angies kids, playing on the edge of a small cliff. Below is the sand, and high tide approaching. I was a little disappointed that we were at the beach and I never got the chance to at least soak my feet, so I headed towards them, but stayed against the sea. The further I traveled forward, the more uncomfortable it got against my bare feet. It went from sand, to tiny broken shells mixed with sand, to pretty decent size shells and no sand. They were similar to the snail shells, but beautiful different colors.

Then the tide started to come in a little quicker. I was below my cousins at the cliff looking up, and with the water approaching, I tried to climb the cliff, but it was made of sand that was too soft to climb. I turned to the right and looked at where I came from to see my mom trying to come towards me, but she’s wary of the tide coming in too. I worry a little about how were going to get out and walk towards her, but she finds a way, and so do I.

The way out was a little sand hill that was steep, but enough to get above sea level. I climb the sand and turn right, but it sand hill itself was not enough for me to get back onto the sandy grass. I was still on the edge of the cliff, and as I try to walk forward, a decent size aggressive crab walks in front of me. Again, I walk towards the right and a little faster than it, not only to make sure I dont get pinched by this thing (or lose a toe), but also to get off the dangers of the cliff.

Instead, I almost fall off the cliff, catch myself, and keep walking forward. As I do I find myself back against the ocean and I’m staring up at what appears to be a shiny, onyx colored mushroom cap the size of a small pizza. It started to hiss and came to life. Amazed at what was before me, I pull out my phone to take a picture. Theres a man now sitting right by this thing. He’s watching me and the creature. As soon as I have my phone out, the creature stands up on its short, strong, black tentacles, hisses again, and lunges at me. The tentacles look like multiple tail ends to a whip. When it lunges, it hisses one last time, and I drop my phone. Rather than landing on me, it lands on the crab that I forgot was following me, and proceeds to make a meal of it. The crab has my phone and is trying to keep it, but the mushroom/jellyfish creature kills the crab, and faces death as well. It protected me I guess.

I’m afraid to grab my phone now, so the guy that was on the cliff jumps down, grabs it, and gives it back. We exchange a few brief words like “well that was entertaining” and I take a picture of the dead sea life at my feet. I say goodbye to the guy and move on to the right again.

I find myself nearing the top of the cliff again, but as I do, the terrain becomes more aggressive and somewhat scary. I’m now walking on pure shells containing the ability to still hold life inside them. Dead small crab shells are among them. I look to my left and contained within the cliff of shells is a massive 10-15 foot squid. Its eyeball was huge, and the squid was a pinkish color. None of its body was starting to deteriorate. For some reason I think the squid, though contained within the cliff, is very much alive. I hustle by it looking for my family, but they’re gone.

I wake up.