Tag Archives: Beauty

My Dearest Nightmare


Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…


It’s coming…


It’s hard to breathe…


I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)




I walk into what is at first a target with Aris and Sy to do some shopping I suppose… no real idea why we’re there. Aris runs off to the right to pay off his card real quick while I’m left there holding a much more complacent child than usual. I start wandering around and land myself in the womens clothes, and as I turn around and look back towards the entrance, I can’t help but wonder where he went. As I look back to the clothes now, the store has suddenly become a Kohls… no idea why.

So now I’m in kohls with my son waiting for my ex and I’m wandering around looking at clothes. Now that the selection is suddenly better and I have a desire to try some of this stuff on, I grab a nightgown and Aris appears. We start browsing through stuff together and I can tell that the last thing he wants to do is be seen with me shopping through womens clothes. A tall woman in red and khakis shows up to give us the sales pitch about opening a kohls card, and told us we get a few bottle of champagne for today only. She opens one of the dressing rooms for me, and I give Sy to Aris while this woman keeps talking – sadly I can tell he’s more interested in the way this woman looks versus what she has to say. Aris runs off with sy and this woman to a random register to discuss opening a kohls card, and I sit in this dressing room, door wide open, and waiting for him to return.

…and I wait….

… and I wait…

…and I wait…

Finally I see the woman walk by headed somewhere and notice how her large breasts make up for her usually broad shoulders…. deep down inside I was extremely sad because I knew he was attracted to her on some stupid physical level, something I could never do. 😦 I can only hope he wasn’t smooth enough to grab her number…

…and I wait….

… and I wait…

Finally Aris and Sy return, and as he makes his way towards me I can tell he no longer wants to be here, but I haven’t tried on any of these clothes because I wanted him to be here when I see them. As he finally approaches me I speak before he does.

“You ready to go?”


I drop all my clothes on the seat in the fitting room and we leave.

Blah… I’m surprised I was able to do this, it’s been a while since I’ve had a dream blog; probably because I’m back to my routine of being up at 6:30am

A House on the Water

Conner 2-resized-600

I’m trying to uncover something… something bad I think, as if I were on a mission of some kind, but my memory fails me; I know it’s contingent on the previous dream. I pull over in my sleek little sporty car with the top down and come upon this gorgeous 2 story home that’s up in the mountains. It has white paint with a hunter green trim – and it had this giant outstanding river behind it. I get out of the car and try to get close to the water to go exploring.

As I come out the car and round the side of the house, I find none other than Patrick Stewart standing there being rather verbose with a few people who are moving stuff for him, but ignoring him. As I walk towards him, I focus in on what he’s saying, and he sounds rather conceited with a nasty case of superiority-complex, talking about the little people doing the job for him and laughing. I brisk-walk past him making myself look like a worker helping him out, and head down the hill from where the house sits. They all leave for good as I approach the river, and it’s a stunning, breath-taking view.

For some reason I turn behind me, most likely because I’m trespassing with a sense of guilt, and look to see if it’s okay to keep going, when I catch sight of someone. I look, and find some guy resting on a hammock looking towards the house. As he turns his head, I see glasses and wavy hair and instantly recognize the profile.

Shit – it’s Jason! This must be his house! Oh Fuck, I cant let him find me!

I quickly and silently bolt into this bush with some kinda black abyss under it – its the only way to describe it. It has a little crawl space for me to hide in. From under the bush I look straight up at him to see when he’s gonna leave. Unexpectedly, some random woman walks up close by him. She looks towards this bush, says something to Jason, and I crawl deeper in so I can only see feet that should pass by. All of a sudden shes on the move with a hurried demeanor towards me – a woman on a mission. She stops and bends down. I’m as far back as I can go. Shit! She crawls in and has some kinda key in her hand, and shes trying to feel around. She finds some kinda locked wooden panel directly above my head and unlocks it. As it swings down it bonks me on the head, exposing where I am. I’m forced to say “hi” and try to tell her “please don’t say anything – it was a mistake“, but before I can say more than hi, she dashes off rather aggressively. With no other choice I crawl into the hidden wood space above me and find I have more visibility; it reminds me of a narrow chicken coop or something. All of a sudden someone crawls underneath the bush, and low and behold below me is none other than him.

As soon as he looks up at me I say the only thing I can.

Hi Jason.”

Hi Carol” he groans, and leaves. I quickly follow after him hoping to explain myself. He starts the argument.

Why am I not surprised? You know, I’m back home for less than a month and you’ve already started to come after me.” I have no idea what the month thing is about. Did he get back home from college? Maybe he was over seas filming something? Vacation? I know he was labeling me a stalker.

No! I don’t know what you mean – it’s not like that – this was all a mistake!” I squeak. His face hardens, so I continue. “Look, I was driving around looking to explore various places and I saw this gorgeous river. I step outside, and Jean-Luk Picard was there.”

I couldn’t remember the name Patrick Stewart at the time, so it was the best I could do. I continue on following him as he wanders around aimlessly, trying to listen, and trying to escape me at the same time. “I decided the river was more important than Jean, so I continued on, looked up from the bottom of the hill and saw you. I didn’t know this was your home or that this was Sanbornville, otherwise I would never have come. I panicked, hid, and she found me..” nodding to the young woman distancing herself from us, but still following. “That’s when you showed up. I swear, if I’d known this was your home… all I know was I was exploring down some dirt road looking to do something new and…..

He abruptly stops and spins around effectively halting me mid-sentence, and with both hand up facing me he quarrels back “Look, who do you think you are? You come here parading yourself as some kinda… hero

Huh? Oh shit – he doesn’t believe the Patrick Stewart thing.. Crap!


I whine “I don’t think I’m some kinda hero, like I said I was here to explore the river!

He sardonically replies “Psh, yeah right – what are you looking for, buried treasure?

No! I was looking for bugs and frogs and turtles and stuff.”

By this point because he’s been wandering around the whole time trying to get some distance, he’s found a way away from me. He’s walking on water – and he’s perfectly dry, but it doesn’t register with me as I watch him. I didn’t even notice till I started typing this up. Additionally, as he’s now shouting at me from a distance on the river, the plain Jane girl that found me and was lingering by us is now some sultry stupidly tall Brazilian model wearing pretty much close to nothing – literally. She had a black g-string that was wedged so far up her crack you wouldn’t know she was wearing anything at first glance, and two tiny triangle scraps that only covered her areola, but not the rest of her obviously D sized cups. Aside from that, she’s pretending to take some stupid model poses a few feet to Jason’s right, but staring straight at me – bending down slowly to grab a palm full of water and rub it on her arm. Thanks to the distraction she served, I stopped listening to Jason. He was shouting at me, but I had no idea what he said. I felt weak, heartbroken, and insecure.

I knew it was time to leave. I look down at the vibrancy of the green grass at my feet as the water laps up against it, and as I draw my eyes upward towards him, I decide I want to walk over to him, but back down since I didn’t know how deep the water was. I walk left along the river bank away from Jay, and notice the beauty of it all. Trees canopy over the massive width of the river, giving it a dark and gorgeous look. A tiny drop off about 2 inches from where one river joins the next is there, and I idly think how much fun it would be to go kayaking. Then I remember Jason, and the world is cut short when a swell of emotion jolts me awake.

In hind sight – I know why that Brazilian model skank was there – she was an embodiment of my insecurities. *sigh* another dream about him…


It started off with my ex. It’s fragmented at this point, but I remember being very angry at him. I remember him hitting on me, and my skin crawled. I was on the outside looking in, trying to warn some woman about how bad he was – but she didn’t listen. He was manipulative and deceiving – I couldn’t stand it.

Then I remember being with someone I thought was a friend. She was dyeing her hair purple, and I thought it was awesome. I turn around and look for the blue dye so I can do the same in this over-sized beauty store. I couldn’t find any, so I look for the next best thing – hair chalk. Sadly there was none at all. I wandered around and heard no response when asking people if they knew if the store had some. Oh well – defeated I walk back to my friend and settle on a red color. I get the stuff in my hair and wait a little bit, then walk to some random person working there and ask for my hair to be rinsed out. As I play with my hair real quick I noticed a big thick blob of blue hair dye, so I work it into the rest of my hair real quick and also got it purple. Once I was happy I sit in the chair for her to rinse it and instead, she grabs a huge pair of kitchen sheers and starts to cut it straight along the back. When I tried to move she pinned me, so I pushed her and jumped out. “WHAT THE HELL” I screamed, “Why did you do that!?!” “Because I didn’t like it. No one should be wearing bright colors like that in their hair; it’s unnatural.” I felt around the back and she didnt get all my hair. I was crushed; it looked like a mullet now. I run back and tell my friend what happened and so we approach her together. We tell her we’re rinsing out my hair and she said no, so I beat the shit out of her. I was fuming, and I couldn’t help it. Normally I’m not like this in real life, and I’m rather ashamed to be typing it out even if it was just a dream. :-/



I was on a well paved road in Maine against the coastline. It was a beautiful & rich suburban area on top of a mountainside. To my right were houses nestled within a thicket of woods that contrasted the bright green leaves; to the left were a few darker evergreen trees against the edge of the road, but behind that was a cliff that was barred off which overlooked the seaside. It was beautiful. The endless blue above me lifted my spirits and sent me soaring against the salty breeze that refreshed me as I went for some exercise. I’m jogging in this serene state and really wanted to sweat this sense of purification that comes from the inside out. As I progress forward, two guys are also jogging. We meet at this 3-way intersection. I was coming from the right, and they were coming from the left – nothing was on the third path except the “camera angle” momentarily. To my surprise the two guys were Jay and Peter. The moment we all saw each other we stopped for a moment to say hi. Jason was in a really good mood, and I was happy to see them both, but I wanted to keep the momentum up and start running again. Jason decided to run with me instead since Peter was close to where he needed to be, so he was good to go home. Jason and I are running together and talking about everything random under the sun; video games, movies, college, siblings – it felt like the good old days. I don’t remember all the details since I’ve been hesitant to share this dream. It took place a day or two ago.

I must confess I miss my best friend – I don’t know how else to interpret it.


Active and Passive

At one point I know I was dreaming about being in a hotel of some kind with my little sister playing the wii, and I worried about how I’d pay for it per game/hour when it came time to leave.

Then I was making myself look super pretty in the mirror with Victoria Secret stuff. At one point all the glitter at the bottom of a perfume bottle sprayed out into my hand… one shot and I had tons of it… not a millimeter of my palm exposed. I took it and put a tiny bit on my arms and such, but put a lot more in my hair. It was beautiful :). Little moons and stars and specs. I was getting ready for “school”, but then my dream morphed again and I was a passive member of my dream. I was in a business meeting watching a man stand up at the very front. He was complaining to everyone that as a psychologist, the numbers, bars, graphs, and charts had nothing to do with his job description or degree, however they work for kelloggs and they can afford the extra staff thanks to sales prices on food… odd.

I woke up. End of story.