Tag Archives: child

Clothes

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I walk into what is at first a target with Aris and Sy to do some shopping I suppose… no real idea why we’re there. Aris runs off to the right to pay off his card real quick while I’m left there holding a much more complacent child than usual. I start wandering around and land myself in the womens clothes, and as I turn around and look back towards the entrance, I can’t help but wonder where he went. As I look back to the clothes now, the store has suddenly become a Kohls… no idea why.

So now I’m in kohls with my son waiting for my ex and I’m wandering around looking at clothes. Now that the selection is suddenly better and I have a desire to try some of this stuff on, I grab a nightgown and Aris appears. We start browsing through stuff together and I can tell that the last thing he wants to do is be seen with me shopping through womens clothes. A tall woman in red and khakis shows up to give us the sales pitch about opening a kohls card, and told us we get a few bottle of champagne for today only. She opens one of the dressing rooms for me, and I give Sy to Aris while this woman keeps talking – sadly I can tell he’s more interested in the way this woman looks versus what she has to say. Aris runs off with sy and this woman to a random register to discuss opening a kohls card, and I sit in this dressing room, door wide open, and waiting for him to return.

…and I wait….

… and I wait…

…and I wait…

Finally I see the woman walk by headed somewhere and notice how her large breasts make up for her usually broad shoulders…. deep down inside I was extremely sad because I knew he was attracted to her on some stupid physical level, something I could never do. ūüė¶ I can only hope he wasn’t smooth enough to grab her number…

…and I wait….

… and I wait…

Finally Aris and Sy return, and as he makes his way towards me I can tell he no longer wants to be here, but I haven’t tried on any of these clothes because I wanted him to be here when I see them. As he finally approaches me I speak before he does.

“You ready to go?”

“Yep.”

I drop all my clothes on the seat in the fitting room and we leave.

Blah… I’m surprised I was able to do this, it’s been a while since I’ve had a dream blog; probably because I’m back to my routine of being up at 6:30am

It’s been forever, but just beginning. Happy New Year 2015

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Well, here we are… it’s New Years Eve 2014, and what a year it’s been. I’ve gone though a 5k race, a car accident, moving, failing a course for the first time, graduating with my bachelors despite the failure, starting my masters, going to therapy, and bridging the gap between me and my ex.

For my son he’s grown so much, and his language has increased in vocabulary and his ability to deliberately choose words (and actions). I have been tried and tested on a daily basis by that boy, but here I am another year fought.

What’s strange is that I can literally put myself in last years shoes and remember dancing and drinking the night away like it was yesterday. In truth, I have the ability to do exactly that, and I really want to considering the lack of social entertainment I regularly deal with, but there’s simply no quality to it.

I feel stretched and pulled this year; I’ve been challenged, grown, and reconnected with myself on a deeper level. It’s been a year of trials for sure, unlike anything I’ve experienced (and I hate dealing with anxiety), but I’m hoping this year things will be different. Perhaps I wont live in fear of the next struggle to come my way, but be proactive and try to work through it a little more healthfully before agonizing through panic attacks. Additionally I applied for a better position within the organization I work for, and I’m hoping I get the job with a decent paycheck. I also want to start going to CREATE for my internship, and I REALLY want to go to the US Virgin Islands. Money management would have to be a goal then… need a new crappy car and money to get things done.

I have to say I’m quite proud of myself despite the years worth of exhaustion. I overcame homelessness and managed to move our family to a new place after being evicted. I managed to get through my first term successfully despite the struggle. I am painting, investing in a skill of personal value, and even sold one of them. I’ve become more competent as an up-and-coming counselor, and am even able to use the experiences I’m gaining in counseling to learn in depth about who I am and what I’ll do. I’m very existential, which I couldn’t have even properly labeled at the beginning of the year, and am beginning to realize that this isn’t just therapy, it’s a journey. My original belief was that if I just told my life story and get it out there, then the sooner I can get through all the bull-shit and move on with my life…. but that’s not how it works. In my goal to become more authentic I’ve had to dig deep and open up to what I do that I feel embarrassed or shameful about, being challenged to learn how to deal with these emotions, and expose myself to the change I find is necessary. I’ve begun to discover my voice… my inner voice that I keep sealed up out of fear. I’ve challenged myself to speak up where normally I wouldn’t; I’ve even invited the neighbors upstairs on over to allow our kids to bond and help make a connection with them. I never would have taken the time to actively get to know my neighbors in the past…. I’m glad I have. Hopefully we can become friends and I can feel a little less isolated.

I guess as I just spill my thoughts out on clicking keys, what I find is I have goals – resolutions that I’ve already started and want to continue. I want to learn how to be me. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to learn how to be gentle with myself. I want to learn how to love myself. I want internal emotional health and the ability to shine outwards by simply being who I am. In this ritualistic time of objectives and goals that we set ourselves up to fail at 88% of the time, perhaps being real is the only goal I need this year, and that one goal can encompass all that.

Once again I’ve made new friends, lost old ones, and reconnected with some I never expected too, but the quality of the journey I find is changed, molded, challenged, and shape by the people you walk it with. I also closed the door on Seventh-day Adventist, and am opening the door to new opportunities as to discover an interpersonal spirituality – a relationship with myself (insert masturbation joke here). I’ve explored new places from Maine to Massachusetts that have been incredible, and hope to continue this spirit and desire for adventure. I’ve hated this year, and I’ve also loved this year.

This has been my 2014, and will be my 2015.

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Aunt Angie came to visit with her family – until I hit the roof. I went out to take care of something and when I came back she stole my sons school paintings and such off the walls, then the toys, one of the cars… TONS of stuff. I ran to mom and told her what happened, and that we need to get the stuff back, but she said theres no way that we could. Eventually I managed to track her down and the kids were in disbelief that she’d do anything like that, but I screamed and cried and shouted at her at the top of my lungs. In the end she tried to deny it, then got caught and smiled this really eerie smile. It was pure evil for some reason…

I also remember talking to ray-ray; I forget if he called or we saw each other in person, but we talked about how he’s doing and he seemed happy.

Of Birth and Defense

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I remember being in the woods in a caged in area. There were a few log cabins, and it was divided in the center. Evening was upon us. There were two teams, mine and theres, and the objective was to run away or fight to death to survive. We had 6 hours to try and stay alive, and the group I was apart of was on the defense. About an hour before the time runs up, I grab a little girl with beautiful blonde curls and blue eyes and run away from a fight. Eventually I had no choice but to stand my ground. I pushed the little girl behind some fencing and told her to hide, but just as I turned away from her, I was cornered and had to fight, or risk them capturing her. As I fought the guy, I felt more and more trapped. Paradoxically, the more restricted I felt, the more he shrank in size until eventually, he resembled a cocky anime-based 10 year old boy from yu-gi-oh. I hit him a few times and he and his friends took off running scared. Eventually I knew they’ed come back and retaliate, so we started to run away as well. I searched for the little girl to come with, but couldn’t find her.

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The dream transitions out into a home where Lizzy, Katie, and I live together, but its not my home. In the back room was a mother rabbit that was heavily pregnant. I asked lizzy about the bunny and she told me she’s due any time now. I go back into the bedroom and the rabbit is squealing, panting, and there’s blood on the wood chips she slept on. I rushed out to let lizzy and katie know the rabbit was delivering. I rushed back in to help the new mommy rabbit give birth, but as I got in, there were 4 baby rabbits that were squirming side by side. There was no fur on them, and they were adorable. All of them belonged to Katie. I know with cats there is usually some after care the pet owners need to make sure of, so I ignorantly helped on the basis of common sense and care. I had lizzy and katie clean out cage, care for the baby bunnies, and put food and water in for the mommy. My job? I cleaned up the real mess – the blood all over mommy. When I picked her up she was lying on her left side with her right leg straight up. I figured it was because she was in so much pain, and may have been torn up a little after delivering. I picked her up and she squealed for missing her kids and being in pain. I grabbed some warm wet wash cloths, and gently wiped up the blood on the fur and rinsed her with a little warm water. I figured the temperature would help her to relax. I didn’t want anything too invasive on her like soap or something tough; I didn’t want her accidentally developing an infection. I also only washed a very small area so she wouldn’t get cold or uncomfortable trying to dry her fur. I remember at one point being concerned the mother might harm the runt of the litter, but she did okay. Once the cage was cleaned up with the mommy back in place, I put some fresh greenish hay in myself. Her leg still stood straight up after cleaning her. I nudged the babies to the mommy to feed, but the dream ended right around then.

Happy New Year: My Year in Review

This is my once-a-year summary to reflect on all that I’ve been through and the changes that I have made. If I had to summarize my year to one word: progress. I’m so happy to see it, and there’s much more to come.

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For now here’s what I have to reflect on:

Education:

I OFFICIALLY HAVE MY ASSOCIATES!!! WOOHOO!!!

Literally, that is this years crowning achievement. 3 Years of stress, joy, late nights fueled by coffee, tears, bus trips, and miles of walking through rain, hail, snow, and blistering heat paid off. No more day care expenses from Christine the over-abuser of paychecks and wallets. It’s all come to an end with my associates degree.

Now? I’m working on my bachelors! Yessah! I’ll be done by this time next year; all of this indicates a significant chapter of my life opening and closing, determined by tests, papers, and terms. Literally, I live my life by terms…. it’s not a bad thing at that. I finished my Associates with a B+, but am trying my damnedest to make sure I finish with an A by this time next year. I’m studying for my GRE’s already to get into grad school, and start working on my Doctorate degree. Lets face it, you can’t expect to do very well with nothing but a bachelors in psychology…. I just couldn’t be living up to my fullest potential. I’d need a masters at least, and it’s just not worth it to stop at 4 years when you can have the doctorate in 5.

Friends:

I’ve made some and lost some. The most significant change was losing Brianna Lockheart, and gaining Lasandra. I can’t figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but we’ll see. I was having game night every Saturday night for a few months. Molly and Adam came, but Molly had to be the immature angry kid she still is at heart. I feel sorry for her, but thats about it. It’s no longer my loss, or concern. I guess this is a new journey for me… getting rid of the people who only do harm. That brings me to my next subject…

The Ex:

THANK GOD HE IS FINALLY GONE!!! After being abused, I’ve never been happier that he’s gone; and wouldn’t you know, my hair grew back as a result. I lived my life in constant fear, paranoia, depression, and panic attacks with him. I had no idea how badly he was killing me from the inside out. I still see him once every 3 months or so… and when I do, I have a major panic attach with rage sweeping over me, but considering how little he cares about his son, I’m just glad I don’t see him any more than that. I fucking hate him.

Sex:

Go figure – I dump the ex and meet a new guy a few days later… but it’s done and over with. Nick was an amazing guy, but it wasn’t meant to be. No hard feelings. I am thankful for one thing though…. he taught me I still have self worth, even though he didn’t know it. With my ex always complaining about me in the bedroom, I felt like shit. Nick on the other hand made me feel like the naughty kitten I am, and in the end I also learned: Aris is getting old. It wasn’t my fault he’s aging, and therefore, isn’t as sexually “fierce” as he use to be. Sucks to be him cause I still got it. Also, nick likes full figured women like me. My ex called me fat and ugly. At least I know I’m still appealing to some guys out there… but still, I can do better and I hate being fat. Hopefully my therapy sessions can help me correct my mentality so I can stick to my workout guns

~ Oh, and 50 shades of Grey came out and I discovered my inner kinky chika! Best part of 2012 right there baby! Lmao!

Licence:

I can finally say I’m half way there. I passed the written portion in September, and am working on the driving portion. I hope to have it done at the very latest by my birthday,

Family:

My brother moved out, and my friends Elizabeth and Katie moved in! Financially this will help me significantly, and since she can teach me how to drive, thats exactly what she’s going to do. It’s a really hard change since they just moved in less than a week ago, but we’ll live.

My relationship with mom is better than it was, and I’m finally changing my attitude towards here, but it’s a hard walk to face. Hopefully therapy will fix that too.

MY SON STARTED SCHOOL THIS YEAR TOO! He’s no longer at community partners, but his progress there wasn’t as great as it is today. He’s come such a long way with everything for a kid with aspergers…. I love him to death! I am so proud of him! ‚̧ Now if I could just get him out of diapers…

Elections:

Obama won, Maggie Hassan is the new Govenor, and Carol-Shea Porter is back in office. Go Democrats! I got what I wanted!

Christianity:

I finally decided I can't keep fighting with who I am. I was brought up a Seventh-day Advetist, and I'm going back. Life was better then.

Blog:

OH MY GOD! I maintained a blog for more than 3 months of the year and still going… plus, it's a dream blog (with the exception of this anyway!) I have to say I'm proud of myself for it, and I love it! It's an amazing hobby of mine!

Skyrim:
Fuck Yeah! Thats old news from last year, but amazing news – deal with it!

Personal:

I've become more in touch with myself spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I'm seeing my faults a little clearer, as well as my strengths. I'm changing and growing for the better and I hope to keep it going!

Tomorrow, I'll write my New Year Resolutions. For now – I have some friends waiting for me at Castaways in Dover! I've never been, and this is the one time of the year I go out! I'm so excited! WOOT WOOOOT!!!

History Doesn’t Repeat Itself – It Only Rhymes

This is just killinng me now `

So my first dream was almost the same thing as yesterday; literally. Only differences were it was fragmented and a everything looked tiled in the end just like a mosaic, with blurred red, orange, pink, and gold hues. Still, I was desperate for my son.

THEN I had another one. I was (i guess) living with my mom again, and Grandma was living with us too in this really big nice new home. Very middle class, white, two stories, etc.. My grandmother took me out for a drive that was about 100 miles one way – a little more than an hour long there, and a little more than an hour back. Grandma needed to pick up her Lunesta meds… why lunesta, I dont know, because its not like she was prescribed them anyway. We took the highway for the most part. Scenic mountains and a few random shops trailed the journey there. Somehow Aunt Angie randomly appeared sitting next to me in the front seat of the car. Grandma started playing favorites and got irritated with me, so she sent me to the back of the car. I remember her at one point saying not to hog the seat because it will push Angie too far to the edge of our seat. If the car should flip, she doesn’t want Angie getting hurt. (Odd.)

I moved to the back seat, where 2 out of 3 of Angies kids/my cousins appeared; Ryan and Ashley. I forget what we all talked about, but I remember freaking out now about Syrus. I didn’t tell mom I was leaving so, once again I felt like I had abandoned him and left him all alone. Grandma got annoyed and said it was fine and to stop freaking out – we’ll be back soon.

Finally we were “home.” I ran inside and mom was there in the kitchen. I asked her about Sy and told her I was out with Grandma. She was cool with it and did a good job with the kiddo. I went to see him next. I found my little man, gave him a great big hug, and with that, I woke up.

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Teachers of Revenge

I’m going to school, and the school itself has changed. It’s a fusion of my college and my son’s elementary school. Sy has daycare at “our” school now, and its a woman who looks almost the same as his primary teacher, along with a few teachers aids. After I’ve dropped him off in the classroom I turn around after shutting the door and see a loud mouth gossiper who’s my “friend” in this dream. She’s a short older grey haired woman in a darker grey sweater and black jeans. I say hi real quick and walk off to class, but forget where the class is located (I think) and wander back. There’s a door open, and the gossiping woman and my son’s teacher are talking in a closet and the “friend” starts to lie to her, saying how I’ve been telling people that I’ve been working hard in the classroom with my son; So in an effort to “help,” she tells my son’s teacher that I should have a job in the classroom, and possibly take her job. I stop her nonsense talk right then and there in a state of panic and fury, and¬†interrupt them to¬†clarify I never said any of this. All I said was that I volunteered in the classroom once, but wasn’t very helpful at all. As I said this, I looked at the teacher first, and placed my hand on her shoulder to try and validate my point. She was in the classroom, so she would know; then I look at my “friend” and glare at her. She’s embarrassed as fuck, and the teacher is pissed. The teacher stormed out of the closet leaving me upset and worried.

Later I’m in another classroom and I’m forced to stop what I’m doing. I’m bound and gagged by a bunch of women. They¬†held me down, straw in my mouth, and¬†forced me to over dose on cough medicine to try and kill me. It doesn’t work as planed. I pass out, but still breathing, so they send me to a torture room to have me killed in maple¬†syrup¬† I’m lying on this metal grid with large circles in it, and it starts to raise.¬†Syrup¬†floods the room and starts to boil. I feel uncomfortable and roll over – a little to close to the edge to the point of falling in. Just then I’m rescued by a bunch of other teachers who actually work with the police, figured out “Leanne” – the teacher¬†did it, and am healed back to normal. I give a statement and ask for a follow up report, but it turns out they’re not going to bring her to justice. I was pissed! In the end the police dropped me off outside the school, which is now located somewhere random in the middle of Dover. I realize all that drama made me miss 24 hours of class, but whats worse – where has my son been for the past 24 hours? I freak out and run around looking for him, but to no avail. I walk back to the school to try and find him there but I cant find the school now. ¬†I look for a cop to help me but none of them are out driving.

I’m ready to cry. I miss my son.

I wake up

Coupe De Crash

It was a boring late summers night at home, and I needed to get out and do something. My brother wasn‚Äôt home, and my son was sleeping, but my ‚Äúbrothers car‚ÄĚ was here‚Ķ. a 1999 Saturn 2 door coupe, gold, and it was all mine to drive. (This isn‚Äôt his car in real life, nor anyone elses I know.) I snag the keys, lock the doors to the house, jump in the car, and wonder briefly if I should be doing this. My son is home alone, I don‚Äôt have a licence, the vehicle is uninspected (illegal¬†in NH to drive), I‚Äôm taking my brothers car without permission- but I Just. Don‚Äôt. Care.

I need the wind in my hair.

I need the possibility of the unexpected in front of me.

I need the chance to go out and do something for myself.

I need my autonomy.

I jump on the highway and head to Portsmouth for a chance to get away from it all. I had a sever desire to do some shopping to make myself feel better, so I hit up the mall. I leave with over-sized white shopping bags stuffed with clothes, and paper bags filled with various fragrances from multiple stores. I load them behind my seat and pull off heading south. I was feeling hungry, and decided to eyeball the various restaurants around.

The scenery changes, and none of the restaurants belonged to Portsmouth, but I still identified it as such- still being in Portsmouth. I veer off into a parking lot with some major food chain label against it and walk in. I decided I didn’t like the options on the menu and left. Back in the car.

I make my way back to the house and see if I can spot anything on the way back for food, but I ended up making a side trip. Before me is the less-than-thrilling 5th wheel porn shop, and I decide to head inside. Everything looks the same as it does in real life. The walls are a little more grey than white. The counter is to your left as soon as you walk in. Video’s and magazines beside it to the right. To the right of the entrance is the the toys and such. I look at a set of white fabric hand-cuffs with rope attached to it and longingly wish I had someone to try this out with, but I keep roaming around. I find myself making a full circle ’round the store and back at the front looking at the flavored lubes & condoms. Nothing terribly exciting. I leave and purchase nothing as I have no one to share it with.

As I exit and round the corner to my car, there’s a car that slipped gears and is rocking back and forth in neutral bumping gently and repetitiously against the front passenger door of my car with it’s front bumper. A peculiar site to behold. I get in my car and create a silent mantra in my head. Please don’t get pulled over by the cops. Please don’t get pulled over by the cops. Please dont.Low and behold I turn on the car, swerve it around to back out, and just as I do I get blinded by the headlights of a cop car pulling into the porn shop. I turn the wheel sharply to finish my reverse and pull out but the car stalls. The officer looks at me and beams a warm and inviting smile.

‚ÄúYeah, I use to have that same kinda car. Don‚Äôt cut the wheel so sharp and you‚Äôll be all set.‚ÄĚ

I smile politely at him and try to keep my cool. I finally straighten out and drive into the highway. I quickly come to a delima. The right side of the road has cars stopped that are bumper to bumper, but the left has zero traffic. I figured if I stay to the right and not move I might get pulled over because of the sticker on my car, so I head into the passing lane and watch as someone from the right does the same. I speed off into the night when suddenly a car comes at me head on. Rather then suffering any injuries or serious car damages,  the whole thing gets smacked and bumps backwards 10 feet as though I were in a bumper car. The car that hit me? A cop.

Shit!

I accept defeat right then and there. He glares at me as he gets out of his car and I sit in mine, paralyzed as I rack through all the things he’s going to charge me for. I came to the conclusion of losing at least 32 points from my licence and possible jail time, but they don’t know about my son.  As I step out a few military personnel and  other law enforcement officers are on the scene, but they’re relaxed and side-tracked with their own assigned tasks. One military man greets me warmly. He’s in a beige uniform that has an army tailored look about it. Tan skin, dark eyes, amazing definition to his body…. I like the cut of his jib. Smoking hot. If this were school I’d give him an A+ for his smile alone! We start talking and I try to probe him about the consequences of my actions with the car accident, but he confesses he’s not knowledgeable in that field and cracks a few witty jokes. He’s not only sexy but funny too? Oh, I could like this a lot! We continue to talk and laugh but all the while my anxiety continues to spike higher and higher as I wait for the expected smack down by someone. Finally my anxiety plateaus in my throat as every hair on my body stands to attention.

I wake up. My breath is ragged, nerves are frayed, and sweat is starting to bathe my skin. 8am. Time to hit the morning. I shake it off and get the details of the dream down, deciding to attack it later…. and here I am with you.