Tag Archives: coda

The Smallest Connection

To be human is to grieve, because if we grieve we are in touch with the swelling of emotions that make us so complex, the glue that permanently connects the puzzle pieces and fragments that make us human compared to the clinical diagnosis that seeks to pull us to pieces for fragmented labels of understanding. Grief is the soul, the definition of what it means to be human. You cannot be human without grief.

Oddly enough I can create fantasies in my head that cause me to grieve over and over again (which is why I suppose dramas and chick flicks are so profitable), but joining that to the real world is so much harder.

Once again I am drawn to think of him… And I know deep down in my heart that if I reconnect with that pain and grieve the loss of him – not just who he is but on some level the fantasy I made him out to be, I can draw my defenses down just a little bit more and connect with that realm of pain that promotes love and understanding. I loved him, and I still try to swallow that pain and stuff it down which is why in a rare eternity he can pop out of the blue and I’ll still talk to him rather than reject him.

I still hope to work through the conflicts that caused all this because I acknowledge I still love him to some respect, be it the real him or something imagined I conjured up in my head like the sorceress that I am. The illusioned piece of my head says “if you talk things out you can move on without him”, and the illusioned part of my heart says “if you talk things out it’ll draw you closer together, his problem is a fear of intamacy due to an unacknowledged level of emotional childhood abuse anyway”, and the the disillusioned part of my head says “you don’t need to talk to him to move on, it’s a lie. You’ve tried it before and it never works. Lay off the Oedipus complex for a while”, and the disillusioned piece of my heart says “stop trying to rescue him or salvage the past. You’re not a hero or a savior, so stop it.” So how do I grieve without becoming obsessive then… In grief we do carry people in our hearts that we live because we loved them, and it’s okay to express that… But this? There’s something very comorbid about it because it’s codependent. In truth I made him my savior to some extent, and for that I am sorry; not only is it inappropriate and too much burden to bare at a young age, but it’s obvious to me now that he was only playing out a cycle he lived at home through me, and I inadvertently perpetuated that dysfunction, which is in part the comfort he experienced being around me.

I wish I could rewind time with the knowledge that I have now and take it all back, but that’s not moving forward.

That’s where my confusion in all this lies… I don’t know what’s healthy to grieve and hold on too, versus cast out and let go of. I was too emeshed in him, and he just… I don’t know. I placed too much on him, and for that I am truly sorry. I know I’ve come to the pice of understanding when it comes to him before, but I keep revisiting it. I was blown away last October when he told me that he felt as if I understood him better than most people, as I not only believed it to be both true and false, but also dangerous. The sad thing is I feel as if I see him now clearer than I ever was able too in the past, and I think his information seeking was clarification for information I couldn’t provide at that time…. Again, I’m not his savior and it’s not my job to rescue him… Nor does he need it. Once he’s in the right place at the right time of his journey of understanding… If it every happens… He’ll do the work necessary to heal on his own. I doubt he’d want to acknowledge that anyone would have such faith in him (especially out of my mouth), but it’s true.

Truth

It would be nice if one of these days I could look back on us and rather than chronically saying sorry I could look on everything with loving eyes and say “peace be unto you.” Why the strange sentiment I don’t know, but somehow, just to acknowledge that as I have feels so right.

Who Do I Want To Be


Who do I want to be?

The truth is I thought I had it all figured out… Mapped, planned, carefully considered based on “who I am”, but I don’t know who I am anymore, and as a result, I’m uncertain of who I want to be.

I’ve lost my drive for schooling, and with so much in my life going on, I feel unqualified to pursue it, but I still intend to apply because by next year I may have a different perspective.

Who am I? Am I kind because I want people to see me as kind? Am I kind because I’m learning how to be kind?

Who am I? Am I a monster because of how I’ve blindly treated others in my ignorance? Am I blind? Am I ignorant?

Am I sensitive? Yes… This much is true. Thinking that I am somehow blind or ignorant does feel hurtful inside… it doesn’t feel like the guiding sort of pain either… It feels different.

So I am sensitive… Am I fragile? I believe I’m getting to that place. The warrior in me wants to believe that setting myself up for harm gives me the ability to overcome or conquer my weaknesses… But rushing into battles doesn’t respect all of me. Children shouldn’t fight, and the inner child in me I’m 90% certain doesn’t want that…

I labeled myself an over-eater, but I’ve mysteriously lost 25 pounds, and I’m still going… Though I’m sure the anti-anxiety med has something to do with it. With the amount of stress I’ve been under for years perhaps I was just judging myself too harshly without looking at the full story.

I look at how my dad describes me… “You were a very angry child.” Before that I was very insecure, and my grandmother was my source of protection where my mom was lacking… I was a very wounded child. I’m a very wounded adult. I can’t say I don’t want to be wounded because denying my wounds is simply running away in some way shape or form at this point… I want to learn to love myself, and my wounds… I want to feel whole. I am spiritual, and I want to feel spiritually enlightened. I’m a runner, and I want to go back to running…

I’ve done this before, this similar exercise – think of stories that highlight who you are… But shame is a barrier that prevents me from understanding forgiveness… Somehow it’s easier to forgive myself now than it has been in the past, or at least the intensity of hatred isn’t so prevalent… I don’t know… I just don’t know…

Who am I? I feel sad… Lost… I just don’t know…

New Moon Ceremony


Last night I conducted a rebirthing spell; considering all the work I’ve done towards healing it felt appropriate to do so – acknowledge the insights I’ve gained, what’s being cast aside, and where I’m going…. At least, where I hope I’m going. 

Closing the ceremony it was a little difficult to ground my energy, but I knew my spell was a success and I’d done the right thing. The moon in Scorpio was perfect timing too. I fell asleep to a loving kindness meditation and felt a sense of peace and release. 


My kiddo got an awesome load of candy and treats this year! Bubble wand, chips, popcorn, full size snickers bar – the works! I was so proud of him too because he was able to tell me when he was all done trick – or – treating. There were a good 15 houses we passed up along the way home, and that’s okay. He was able to tell me when he was done, and other than 2 houses, we walked back home (yeah, I should have just kept going, but I wanted to make sure he got enough candy). He filled his Lego bucket 2/3’s of the way full. Silly boy wanted to go in every house and attempt to use their bathroom (showing that he remembers last year), but the answer was no. 😛 

That’s the one thing I shouldn’t take advantage of… His memory. I remember very little before the age of 6-8, as I consider this time to be the most crucial turning point in my life… He remembers though. He remembers. 

I have a doctors appointment in a little while to keep up to date with my meds; must remember to get a doctors note for work so I can keep a water bottle on me at all times. Dry mouth from my meds suck. More meditation, reading, and hard work later today. 

On Holy Ground


I remember a ceremony we use to do in the church called on holy ground, and is perhaps the basis of community healing and narritive therapy that I know. There was a blanket Miss Elizabeth would provide, and everyone would sit around the blanket, tucked into its warmth and security… Then slowly… One by one… People would come forward into the middle of the blanket to confess what’s on their heart, and ask God to be made new again. Everyone would lay their hands on them, and pray for that person based on how they believe the Holy Spirit moved them to do so. 

I miss this practice. I want a tapestry to create my own sacred space… Rather than on holy ground it’s on sacred ground, and it’s my place to connect and heal in. I just wish there were others to share that sacred experience with. 

Tonight is a new moon, and I’m being called to do a rebirthing spell to let go of someofnthis negative energy; use it to take into account the growth I’ve made/tried to make, visualize who I want to be, and give thanks to the universe. I feel a resistance and a calling for it, but I know I must press onward. 

The Context of Intimacy


I feel like a manipulative asshole!

I wasn’t trying to BE manipulative, I was just blind to what was going on… Where I have a hard time understanding intimacy apparently, I have to wonder to what degree it exists outside the realms of a romantic relationship – was I asking for too much, or is he fearful of intimacy and in so shamed me without understanding what was going on, and I internalized and adopted his perspective as truth. Everytime this emotion gets kicked up I just wanna flip someone off and lash out a hearty “fuck you” for “making” me feel this way, but in the end I know I’m just trying to deflect the emotion and suppress it. Honestly I just wanted to get to know him better and vice-versa because I thought it was a safe enough friendship to do that… I was never looking for a relationship, and he never said anything to suggest I’d done something wrong, continuing the pain and making it worse. I hate him for that… I hate him for thinking so little of me, and convincing me to see so little of myself, because if I don’t take ownership of his perspective of me then I’m in denial, but if I do then I’m a god-awful human being who was trying to prey on him when I wasn’t… I never was… Yes the boundaries were blurred but I was blind to what he wasn’t telling me…

I have to sit with this emotion, I know I do, but I’m afraid too because again, the perspective I start to carry of myself is that I’m a manipulative bitch, and that damages what little self-esteem I have and makes me even more susceptible to the fragility that could destroy me… Damaging my low self-esteem I don’t believe is the answer, but feeling fragile? Probably. I’m just afraid I’m going to break even more by having such a hateful image of who I am… I know damn well I need to sit with this, I know I do… I just hate myself for feeling this broken. It’s my job to fix this, and I am lost in the moment that I’m unsure how to be enter with myself.

This is what I need to feel I suppose if I’m to break the addiction cycle… I just wish I was better at doing this… At least this book is getting through to me I guess… Half way through facing love addiction and I know I’m gonna need to read it again a devise a way to heal myself.

Anger, panic, loss, trying to regain control when I need to feel this, and I fear I’m in denial but I don’t believe I am… The perfectionist in me wants me to take on more than I can chew, even if it’s not real or not there just to I can work with the emotion, crack harder, fall further, keep hitting rock bottom until I am somehow whole or enlightened and can finally accept everything – no more blind spots or corners veiled in black that I didn’t know existed…

At this point I’m going to have to retreat and meditate for a while to calm down; I shouldn’t be facing this emotion at this time; my roommates are home and I have a kiddo to raise.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck….

The Chasm Exands


Working out of the “love yourself, heal your life” workbook, I feel that chasm again… The expanding of my chest to create space, but the more I feel that space the more I recognize what currently fills that space, and the longing that it calls for. It calls for me to love myself, but also confronts me with the messages I told myself growing up because they wee instilled within me. “Do you deserve to live?” “What are your beliefs?” I’m confronted with just how much “otherness” I live my life by… In church I was told to live for Christ by doing his deeds for others… As a kid I was starved for affection and always worked hard to meet other people’s needs… The moment I ask myself what my beliefs are I’m struck with how much my beliefs were based on making an impact on me but on others. For example if I say “I believe everyone deserves to be treated with respect, I have to take ownership at some point in time and ask myself “do you treat yourself with respect? If so how? If not, why? What’s the emotional impact?”

Finally the stagnancy is breaking as I move forward with this next chapter of healing, but this chasm… This swelling inside me… It’s like a whirlpool surrounded by rocky clods and boulders along some exotic ocean… Odd that it’s such a beautiful place but all I see is terror swirling round and around in those waters. 

Likewise, the girl at the bottom of the well no longer has that dark red and purple aura surrounding her, and light now shines in the well… She smiles at me. I’m not as afraid of her as I once was, but I’ll make my way in soon… Or perhaps, she’ll find her strength and make her way out. Who knows….

I Love You, and I am Listening


Place one hand over your heart, and the other over your stomach. Breathe deeply for just a minute, and say to yourself

“I love you, and I am listening”.

What was the impact?

I was doing a guided meditation and was promoted to do this, noticing my internal reactions… It was strange to me. A deep chasm opened up inside of me… Something was contained therein, almost like a crater that sunk deeper each time I said it, and was filled with some mysterious dark liquid or heavy gas that I was unable to identify. It resonated with me somehow in order to have had the impact it did, but I don’t understand what I was feeling. It wasn’t uplifting… It was dark, kinda sad, and heavy, but still, it resonated.

Attempting to look deeper I realized that this chasm inside of me is ultimately space… A space that needs to be filled. This space is making room for something, and I won’t know what it is unless I keep going. 

I wonder though… In my last mental health post, I explored my relationship with my need for control and how that creates safety… But this chasm…  Which I can only assume is meant to be filled with self-love… Is that the counter-balance for control? Is the cure for control this chasm?

I truly don’t know, just speculation on my part. I was working out of Louise L Hays workbook for love yourself, heal your life, and the very first subject it has you address is the concept of “deserving” and the illusion it sort of presents… It challenged me to think of what I believe I’m undeserving of and the falsehood contained therein… I wrote love. I feel I am undeserving of love inherently and wholly. This prompted me to my tattoo on my left forearm… It says 

“The fact that I exist means that I am worth loving.” 

It strips away the concept of deserving, but I always related it to a concept of otherness, not myself. Other people should love me because I exist, pure and simple – not that people HAVE too, but if I’m gonna let you into my life and have such a deep impact, then love should be there… I deserve to feel loved, but never really applied it to myself. I deserve to love myself because I exist. It feels so foreign on some level…

Again, I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on the right track.

The Thunderstorms of Anger


Anger… It thunders. It’s loud, and comes with a torrential downpour.

Sometimes there is warning; a rumble in the distance to let you know it’s coming, but overall it’s a downpour, and it’s difficult to control. 

The winds of emotion sway the sacred trees of inner wisdom that carry the artistic leaves of presence…

I’m angry, and I need to work through this. 

I’m angry at myself because I couldn’t release the need for control over a situation that I question was worth being angry over… But then again, there is an element of safety on the line…

Safety for our wellbeing and health…

Safety for our ability to continue on here…

Safety. The need for control is the desire to be safe… But I don’t want it to be at the expense of other people’s emotions… Then again, they know better. It’s been 6 months. They’re adults. They know better. 

In the end I’m only trying to justify my anger rather than accept and let it go…

But how. How do I do that in this context. How do I do that in general? 

I’m angry. It’s okay to have this feeling. Anger serves a protective function, and it is normal.

What is my anger trying to tell me beyond that… I just don’t know. 

You’re Not Being Abandoned


To My Younger Self,

The one whose wounded…

The one whose scarred…

The one who’s afraid you’re going to be unloved the whole of your life…

It’s okay. I’m working on us. They aren’t your parents, they aren’t your family, and it’s my job to heal your wounds and let you know that. 

I’m sorry you hurt every time they walk out. I’m sorry it feels like they’re sneaking around you – I promise you they’re not.

Things are getting better, one day at a time, one step at a time. You don’t need to hate yourself for feeling wounded. It’s not your fault you were abandoned and abused. It’s not your fault. It never was and it never will be. 

It’s okay to feel this. You need too. You feel left out because I locked you out, and it hurts every time you see that door… Afraid you’re being locked out, afraid they’re gonna walk out… But you know what? Let them. They have their own lives, and we have our own to work on. We can have fun too. We can talk too. We can be meaningful and do meaningful things. You don’t need their light because it’s only going to mislead you; we need to find our own light and let it shine. 

It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not a child anymore, and you’re now a grown-up… So to my inner child, the one who feels stung, bruised, slapped, kicked, and abandoned… Please… You’re okay. It’s okay. We’re okay. 

Just grieve…

Be that lighthouse. 

Become one within me. 

Breathe. 

Controlling others won’t heal your loss, but grieving will. 

Breathe…. Just breathe. 

Practicing Loving Kindness

I need to remember everyone is struggling with something, and not just struggling, but deeply.


With this context, I can (hopefully) reduce some of the internal tension I feel when doing the loving kindness mantra. I feel the positive energy when I send it to all beings, and its strongest at that point; I wish I could feel that same energy towards myself. 

It’s supposed to rain in a little while, so a ritual bath to clean my energies and collecting rain water for spell casting should be in order, and I’ve cleaned up my room for the most part to provide comfort, concentration, and space for my room. Selenite… I should use that too since I connect with that stone the most. 


I’m starting to feel depressed and I’m not sure why… Anxious too. 

*sigh* despite everything, I know I’m heading in the right direction. It’s just tough. I need to put messages into myself to counterbalance all the material I read on codependency; thank god for Louise L Hay materials…