It’s amazing to walk into work and everyone is all “Hey, Carol!” “Carol, how’s it going?” “Morning Carol! We still up for game night?” Even customers are all “how did you get into work? You need a ride home? How’s Syrus doing?”
Slowly, but surely, community is working its way into my life, and I in there’s. Supports are growing and people are starting to connect as friends and spiritualists. It’s nice being able to connect with people, and I’m hoping my love life turns around this year too. I’ve been talking to a few guys online, and one of them is into BDSM as well, which is a great chance for me to explore myself… He’s well built and lives in Hampton, so not too far away… but I’m not looking to rush into things. I still feel inadequate where I don’t have a car, but I know that has more to do with Aris implanting that insecurity more than anything. Still, stability and independence are also important. A car helps.
It’s moments like this where I love my life, and enjoy my job. I am blessed. For now I’m gonna make a list of ways to utilize the new moon approaching, and where it’s pay day I need more coffee. My cycle is coming soon because I’m sleeping WAY more and WAY earlier than I should. Like, 5pm, up around 7 or 8 for a bit, then back to sleep till 7. I doubt it’s work that’s killing me since I’m enjoying being back in the front end.
I remember dreaming about Facebook. I was afraid Lydia LaJewel was on my other, more offensive Facebook was in my friends list. I was afraid and stressed she was seeing all the inappropriate jokes I post and telling everyone about it at the church. I began to panic a little and finally the dream faded off.
Then I dreamt I was in church, persevering on “revival” and how it hadn’t come, and how annoyed I was that this was the message being preached when I left 6 years ago, and when I come back, its still being preached which means it was unfulfilled. I know I was also beginning to worry about those damn surveys I had to do for college from the church.
Then I dreamt about how my bills… I had a money order for $100 to pay one of my bills, but I frantically ran around looking for the envelope so I know which bill I should pay since I had 3 of them to worry about. I couldn’t pay my phone since they dont take money orders, the electric was $300, and my rent is $902. I had no other bills to pay…. it felt like money going to waste since nothing was actually being paid off.
Towards the end I desperately scrambled internally for who I could possibly talk to that I trust. I wish I had someone to talk to… a real friend… and then his name ended up spilling from my lips; it was a moment of pure horror for me. I don’t understand since we haven’t been friends in years and he hates me… but he was the only one who came up in a moment of desperation when I was screaming from the inside out. 😦
I am beyond stressed, it’s consumed my dreams, and I have no one to talk too. I’m in a church where I no longer belong, I’m surrounded by people who I either can’t trust or feel guilty if I unload on them, and its moments like this when my abandonment issues come stumbling through the double doors tripping on their own two feet, wishing I had a boyfriend to unload on and fuck only to forget my problems and create the illusions of love.