Tag Archives: Dream

Dropping Tears of Rage to the Floor


My dream starts off in a dim cafeteria that only has small windows towards the top of the double story ceiling to provide any light; I’m volunteering through hannaford by servicing people in need when I hear a familiar voice “I wanna see carol, I miss her so much.” I’d recognize that pouty voice anywhere since I served her for almost 3 years as her team leader. I come rushing around the corner and give becky a huge hug and begin cry my eyes out with her on her shoulder, saying I’m sorry over and over again. Danielle, my supervisor at hannafords, looks on fondly.

Later I run into my former boss Sarah, and ask her how I can help out. She hands me a box of gift cards to be stocked from local stores and restaurants, mostly from outback steak house. I dropped the box as I’m walking away and they all spread across the floor; the box is no longer usable. I organize the cards in piles and pick them back up, and drop them again, but they remain mostly in the piles I put them in. I put them away and look to the back of the room… That’s when I see her… Gina. She now drops something and I go over to help her pick it up. She doesnt know I’m here and doesn’t make eye contact, so in my generosity there’s a spiteful “fuck you I’m nice” element. “Kill them with kindness” comes to mind.

“Oh im so glad you guys are here. The work you all do is wonderful; you guys should come work for us” she says with a faux simper.

“Sorry, but I already did that once before, and I’ll never do it again.”

She finally looks at me and I’m beaming at her. She’s stunned, and I continue on holding on to my power and a slow simmering rage towards her to exert my dominance, tell her how much I love my job now, and how much it’s a shame that I’ll never work for such a terrible employer again. Gina struggles to find a snarky comment, and I leave before she gets the chance.

This time I’ve given a clothing donation to take care of,  but to my horror my dirty shirt and 2 pairs of underwear are among them! I’m trying desperately to conceal them by wrapping them up in a bundle, but they keep falling out and the stack gets bigger and heavier. Gina walks by and snarks “you should be more careful next time” with a smirk on her face. I ignore her and make it sound as if I can’t hear her. I brush it off and pick myself back up, not wanting to be phased.

In the next row I hear someone say “oh look, it’s carol Simpson! Oh, never mind, you’re too tall! Ha ha ha” when I look I see Ellen had said that to Bee in gest as a way of making fun of me. “Oh fuck you” I scream at the top of my lungs, but no one hears me or cares in a room crawling with people. I storm off and try to center myself.

I’m outside and near a body of water I think, but before me buried in sand is a bunch of stones – onyx, hemetite, jasper, sun stone, moon stone… And these are all mine! They’re from my bedroom! My brother Jim is nearby, and where he’s stolen from me before I furiously storm up and confront him. “DID YOU TAKE MY STONES” I screm at full force. Jim can’t take ownership of what he’s done, and mom and big Jim are now standing to my left. “Just tell her you did it” mom says, since jims face is now twisted with embarrassment and guilt. He says he did, and I launch into a speech asking him why he feels it’s okay to treat me like shit and disrespecting me through my belongings, but most importantly those are healing stones, and he tried to sabotage my ability to heal in stealing them.

Just then my mother snarks “ironic isn’t it; now you know how I feel.” She was referring to when I was 14 I had stolen from her, but when I tried to explain to her that was different cause little jim is now an adult, big Jim (his dad) steps in and says something, but I don’t remember what it was. I know I threw my hand up in a “stop” gesture, and told him I didn’t give a shit what someone as abusive and negligent as him has to say; what I do know is that I was seething with rage.

Suddenly there’s a restaurant dining room connected too the home kitchen I’m standing in, and I’m screaming at mom and Jim, but they don’t care and disregard me as crazy and irrational with a whole restaurant of people judging me silently and taking my moms side. I felt like telling people off in that moment and defending myself as not crazy, but I chose to ignore them instead, pretending the kitchen is a barrier that keeps me safe from the crowd of diners. Little Jim never apologized, and I don’t recover all my stones from the beach; there was one in particular that has gone missing and I start contemplating making Jim pay me back or just buy me a new one.

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Family Drama and the Best Man

Im in Boston or some other huge city trying to avoid my grandparents, Angie, Ashley, and Danny; I have no prob running into Ryan. I seem to recall being in a mall at first, but then it transitions into the city. Architecture and landscaping looks familiar only to me because I’ve been here before in my dreams, but it doesn’t exist in real life. It’s always when I run away from people or am trying to catch up too then I end up here. I remember giving Ryan a hug in the mall and trying to catch up to him while Angie and grandma are combative and present a faux grandur in their confrontation towards me. Ashley and grandpa are paired up together as information exploiters and drama creators; I hold my head high around them with my own air of pride and conceit, but it’s the defense I use so they can’t get me down. 
At some point the dream transitions and I end up being a backseat observer, following the events that unfold before me with no real attachment to the storyline, much like an extra cast in a movie to walk down the street. I remember this guy named Christian watching me dance at the mall (now watch me whip, now watch me nae nae), and he invites me to this wedding as part of a dance party. I love weddings, so sure, I follow him…it turns out Christian was the best man and had to give a speech, but once we’re at the wedding everyone begins to wonder where the bride is. Someone finally receives a text, and the bride decided she’s not showing up. She fled the country and she’s not coming back. The husband, fearing how this not only reflects on him, but worried about the guests who’d all showed up at their own expense for this moment, decided that it is a party and should remain that way, but before people start to enjoy themselves, the best man must now give an impromptu speech at the grooms request in light of circumstances, in order to comfort people and talk about how amazing groom is. It turns out Christian is terrified of public speeches with major anxiety, and now that the events have changed, he has no speech to read off, and he’s in the spot light. He couldn’t get beyond 2 words before choking over himself..

“Uh… I..”

I could hear his thoughts. Christian wanted to say he thought the groom was amazing, but couldn’t. He didn’t know where to start, he didn’t know how to begin it. I’m in the audience hearing his thoughts, hearing what he cannot say, when suddenly something goes horribly wrong. No longer is he figuritey choking on his own words, he’s now doing it in real life. He turns a deep blood red color, collapses on stage, and dies in front of everyone to the horror of the groom. We find out later Christian died from a drug overdose combined with the single glass of alcohol he had consumed at the wedding. It was purely by accident, and the drug was ecstasy, meant to be used as some form of elation to counter the anxiety he was anticipating before going on stage…

Strangely enough, I felt sad for Christian, and it never occurred to me to feel bad for the groom until hindsight kicked in from writing this dream… The groom lost so much more, but all I could feel was sadness for the best man. 

GBS

Just woke up from a bad dream

It started off with me going to some public nutrition class at Walgreens when I find out clients from great bay are attending it. Im directed to where Darlene is, and her aunt is sitting with her; I sneak up along side her and wait until she notices me – her aunt sees me first and says “heeeyyy! Darlene, look who it is!”

*gasp*

“CARRROOLLL”

“Look Darlene it’s really her!”

I throw my arms around her, sob my eyes out on her shoulder cause I missed her so much, and chat for a small bit. The class continues on about health and nutrition and it’s Darlenes turn to talk. She grabs this probiotic medicine off the shelf and tries to talk about it to the group, but wasn’t able to find her words well and asked me for help. Where I’m not her DSP anymore and knew nothing of it, her aunt jumped in and talked about it for her. After the class ended and I said goodbye and left.

I get to the parking lot, realize I need to use the bathroom, walk back inside but it’s no longer Walgreens, it’s a warped version of great bay services – everything was dimly lit and had the feel of an 80’s mental asylum. As I walk further in I decided I needed an escort so I don’t get thrown out again by upper management. Sarah comes around the corner in the nik of time and gets me there safely. When I’m done I come out, and there’s Dawn L. Chatting away with someone. I try to leave without her noticing me but it didn’t work. She proceeds to have a conversation with me as I walk out the door and she walks along side me, talking about my brother Jamie and her restaurant.
“You know I know your brother, right?”

“Uhh, I mean both of my brothers work as cooks – one for Olive Garden and one at the friendly toast.”

“Oh I know, Jamie works for me too in the kitchen.”

“Oh, cool.”

I really wanted her to leave me alone at this point as my hatred for her was turning into fear. She was dropping subtle hints towards how she has a “good working relationship” with him, unlike me and the trouble I caused at great bay, and that she’s actually a good person, and it’s a “Shame” we couldn’t all “get along.” We went our separate ways shortly thereafter, and I woke up.

Fuckable Strangers 

I had a dream… Well, an sexual fantasy, but it was a little… Strange to say the least. 


I don’t remember the whole of the dream, just the intensity of it. I was standing in line somewhere looking to place an order for something, and I was with a random group of friends I didn’t know. Suddenly I feel someone rubbing the right side of my thigh and my butt. Rather than being pissed and thinking “creeper”, I turn around to find its some highly attractive male pretending to itch his own leg and there just happened to be very little distance between us which “forced” him to touch me…

That ability to be so damn clever, bold, and brash turned me the fuck on in such a HUGE way. I looked up at his eyes and gave him a smirk letting him know I wanted more, and liked it. He took that look in que and as I stepped forward 1 step he slid in behind me so that my back was now flush against his chest, and I could feel grinding up against me was the hardest errection I’d ever encountered. I tilted my head back and he give me a gentle and possessive kiss – it was like a fire had just errupted in me, and I wanted him bad, and I wanted him now. 

This must have been the point I woke up thanks to my son cause nothing happened after that kiss, but damn did I want him.

In hindsight what he did was almost like a wild animal marking his mate the way he rubbed up on me in public, and I’m baffled that rather than screaming “pervert” I indulged in it. >.>’ Strange…

My Dearest Nightmare

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Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…

“No”

It’s coming…

“NO”

It’s hard to breathe…

“NOOOO”

I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)

It’s all political

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I was in a dream…. a group oriented dream. It started off with me needing to get an answer to something when I get pulled into the random room doing…. nothing. Just waiting. At first I think it’s going to be a product review, of which we do get to review a few items and eat a few snacks in between, but some slobbish mother with kids hanging off of her is not monitoring them, and ones lying on the desk in front of me (about 2 or 3 years old), one is nursing, and one looks just old enough to be able to listen… less than 5 really. I know all these kids are mixed ethnicities, and she herself is white, tall (5’7), overweight, and poorly groomed/from the projects. Still, these kids were crowding my food and stealing tastes where I would catch them. The kid on the desk in front of me had cream cheese from a bagel in his mouth, then dessert… the nursing kid was taking bites of banana or something. Throughout this whole process, the mother doesn’t bother to discipline her child, but will just say sorry and let them continue.

Eventually I get up and leave, and after demoing the products, I’m waiting for the reward. When nothing happens, I get up and wander, only to be pulled into a different and abundantly spacious room with more pencils and slide shows, looking to judge or educate or whatever. I sit with some familiar faces from the last room and wait… looking at the slide show (the mother is gone by this point). But then it happens again. I get up and leave, make it outside, then get escorted into a different room with some of the same people and wait. There’s not point. There’s no purpose. I can’t figure it out.

I remember I was outside again walking on top of a concrete wall at night and looking at the ocean roll in over some beach with a real sense of wanderlust developing within, when security makes me come down, brings me in, and now I’m in a different room but with some level of purpose. To the right of this massive power point is a woman on a podium. She’s not a teacher, but a judge. Were going over politics now for some kind of rubbish when to the end on the right is a woman who discussess the impact of the judges wishes. I get an uneasy feeling and begin to disagree. Suddenly I hear a voice, and my minds eye suddenly pans right and zooms in on a woman who’s in her mid 40’s, purple hair, african american, and she has this wicked grin on her face…. just lurking with evil intent. Suddenly my alarm is blazing and I’m lifted from my dream wondering what the fuck that whole thing was about.

Flesh Eaters

Man I hate my scarab dreams. I’t been YEARS since I’ve had one, but because of this, I remember the contrasting outline between now & then.

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I’m in a school of some kind with a mixed range of students from middle school and up. I dont entirely remember how it happened but I’m pretty sure I walked by one of the classrooms on break and heard a couple of people discussing their fear because thousands of people had died from scarab beetles traveling in massive quantities underground, destroying everything in it’s path. When I heard this I asked him if this was true, and he said yes. Based upon my other dreams of this kind and why people had died, I immediately took control of the situation and made everyone clear the halls and get into their rooms. People started to do so, but then I noticed they weren’t closing their doors. I shouted the instruction down the hall and made it clear their lives depended on it. Many listened and shut their door, but one room did not. I went in, moved the chair that was blocking it, and thats when I heard them… massive amounts of beetles storming the hallways. I tried to shut the door in time, but a few got in. They were underneath the carpets. I tried to stomp on them, but they were indestructible. I waited patiently to see what would happen and told everyone to keep calm. No screams coming from the other room – thats good. It may mean it’s just us who are in danger. Unable to handle what might happen next, I’m forced to wake up and reflect on this.

Another Coworker Dream

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I don’t remember much of the dream… just the feeling I got at one particular time.

There is a guy I work with who, as it turns out, is into anime, video games, and has his own band. Well, the other day (in real life) we got paired up with one another to work on an adventure (yes we go one adventures), and we ended up getting to know each other a little better. As time progressed, I began to understand that he’s a really caring guy who just comes off a little strong at times, but means really well. I felt connected to him, and I respect the work he does. This connection and understanding of him is I suppose what lead to this dream…

So we’re at my house and he’s over to play cards against humanity, some PC stuff, and watch anime. We’re having fun, we’re hanging out, and eventually we start snuggling up on the couch together… even though it was just snuggling, there was a sense of intimacy there that I just don’t get in real life, but I’ve felt before. I miss that. :-/ Needless to say I kinda wanted to pounce him in my dream but I didn’t. 😛 All that truly stands out however is just the happiness of being able to rest my head on him while we watch some crappy show. ❤ That was good enough for me.

Clothes

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I walk into what is at first a target with Aris and Sy to do some shopping I suppose… no real idea why we’re there. Aris runs off to the right to pay off his card real quick while I’m left there holding a much more complacent child than usual. I start wandering around and land myself in the womens clothes, and as I turn around and look back towards the entrance, I can’t help but wonder where he went. As I look back to the clothes now, the store has suddenly become a Kohls… no idea why.

So now I’m in kohls with my son waiting for my ex and I’m wandering around looking at clothes. Now that the selection is suddenly better and I have a desire to try some of this stuff on, I grab a nightgown and Aris appears. We start browsing through stuff together and I can tell that the last thing he wants to do is be seen with me shopping through womens clothes. A tall woman in red and khakis shows up to give us the sales pitch about opening a kohls card, and told us we get a few bottle of champagne for today only. She opens one of the dressing rooms for me, and I give Sy to Aris while this woman keeps talking – sadly I can tell he’s more interested in the way this woman looks versus what she has to say. Aris runs off with sy and this woman to a random register to discuss opening a kohls card, and I sit in this dressing room, door wide open, and waiting for him to return.

…and I wait….

… and I wait…

…and I wait…

Finally I see the woman walk by headed somewhere and notice how her large breasts make up for her usually broad shoulders…. deep down inside I was extremely sad because I knew he was attracted to her on some stupid physical level, something I could never do. 😦 I can only hope he wasn’t smooth enough to grab her number…

…and I wait….

… and I wait…

Finally Aris and Sy return, and as he makes his way towards me I can tell he no longer wants to be here, but I haven’t tried on any of these clothes because I wanted him to be here when I see them. As he finally approaches me I speak before he does.

“You ready to go?”

“Yep.”

I drop all my clothes on the seat in the fitting room and we leave.

Blah… I’m surprised I was able to do this, it’s been a while since I’ve had a dream blog; probably because I’m back to my routine of being up at 6:30am

Rattled & Dumb

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I’m hanging out with a coworker and her boyfriend, when I accidentally cause a fight to erupt by giving him a hug. >.>’ I feel horrible, like I’m some kind player caught cheating (though I would assume players wouldn’t feel bad – ever). I apologize, but before I can even get the words out of my mouth she’s turned on her boyfriend for allowing it to happen in the first place. Finally a sorry comes out of my mouth, and I try to make it clear I’m just a hug-seeking sort of person in general (which I am), but thats not an excuse. She pretty much ignores me, they both leave, and I feel shaken and horrified. All I wanted was a hug….. o.O’

In the end the whole thing was a pretty dumb dream, but the residual effect… kinda like going into shock, is whats bothering me.
I know afterwards I join up with “she” and “cher” to get some work done, but it somehow feels patronizing to me…. I end up being annoyed by the end of it,