I just woke up from a horrible nightmare…I was 2 weeks pregnant and found out it was nicks kid, and my mom got a lawyer and met me at the church to attempt to make me keep it, and I lashed out and let her have it, letting jerk fault, and wanting to sue the lawyer too for pulling me into a false sense of security about motherhood when my son turned out autistic. I wanted to beat the shit out of her for how she treated me both this time and last time she found out I was pregnant. God I hate her…
Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.
Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers.
Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…
“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”
That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it.
As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of.
After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that.
With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:
What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:
Upside down King of swords:
Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness.
Should I get involved in Politics?
King of Pentacles:
Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident.
Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)
Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.
Upside down Wheel of Fortune:
Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction.
Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)
10 of Wands for selling:
You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much.
2 of Pentacles for finance:
You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice.
*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.
From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results.
I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:
First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets.
The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that.
I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least.
I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone.
Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes.
“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”
“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”
“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”
The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me.
Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it.
*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress.
I’m living with mom and Randy again, and mom hasn’t changed at all. She’s crass, manipulative, and only cares about herself. I remember her telling me I’m not allowed to have a pet but she’s bragging how she has 4 pets. I finally find the animals in the house and there’s 3 cats and 1 puppy, all napping comfortably in hiding. As I’m petting them mom comes around the corner and wants to brag about all these shades of lipstick she owns and little Jim elaborates later she got a lot of them from her wedding planning business.
“This one relieves stress. This one makes you look younger…”
She was being arrogant again through her tone of voice and body language.
At some point in time she tells me she’s going to “put me to work” and puts me with this group of people on a college campus somewhere. On my way there I catch up with little Jim which was nice to engage in intelligent dialogue. I congratulate him on his new gf and leave it at that.
Finally I get to this group of people and a very flamboyant type hunger games circus style ringleader tells me what to work on and to get to it; it’s something similar to mining or an archeological dig, but it’s in the middle of this giant college foyer with couches and house plants and stuff around. As I get to meet the coworkers one by one, it’s turns out they’re all slaves who aren’t allowed to leave.
Realizing my worth, the ringleader tells everyone they will be release from their shackles and set free, but 1 person has to stay a slave for a whole year, and that person I knew was me because I was brand new. I stand up and scream that he manipulating them and how he was suggesting certain lives are worth more than others, so I led the rebellion and reminded how he’s lied and abused them in the past. They all start chanting, the ringleader begins to run, and we all chase after him; this was hard to do as many of us had heavy chains on us.
Im in Boston or some other huge city trying to avoid my grandparents, Angie, Ashley, and Danny; I have no prob running into Ryan. I seem to recall being in a mall at first, but then it transitions into the city. Architecture and landscaping looks familiar only to me because I’ve been here before in my dreams, but it doesn’t exist in real life. It’s always when I run away from people or am trying to catch up too then I end up here. I remember giving Ryan a hug in the mall and trying to catch up to him while Angie and grandma are combative and present a faux grandur in their confrontation towards me. Ashley and grandpa are paired up together as information exploiters and drama creators; I hold my head high around them with my own air of pride and conceit, but it’s the defense I use so they can’t get me down.
At some point the dream transitions and I end up being a backseat observer, following the events that unfold before me with no real attachment to the storyline, much like an extra cast in a movie to walk down the street. I remember this guy named Christian watching me dance at the mall (now watch me whip, now watch me nae nae), and he invites me to this wedding as part of a dance party. I love weddings, so sure, I follow him…it turns out Christian was the best man and had to give a speech, but once we’re at the wedding everyone begins to wonder where the bride is. Someone finally receives a text, and the bride decided she’s not showing up. She fled the country and she’s not coming back. The husband, fearing how this not only reflects on him, but worried about the guests who’d all showed up at their own expense for this moment, decided that it is a party and should remain that way, but before people start to enjoy themselves, the best man must now give an impromptu speech at the grooms request in light of circumstances, in order to comfort people and talk about how amazing groom is. It turns out Christian is terrified of public speeches with major anxiety, and now that the events have changed, he has no speech to read off, and he’s in the spot light. He couldn’t get beyond 2 words before choking over himself..
I could hear his thoughts. Christian wanted to say he thought the groom was amazing, but couldn’t. He didn’t know where to start, he didn’t know how to begin it. I’m in the audience hearing his thoughts, hearing what he cannot say, when suddenly something goes horribly wrong. No longer is he figuritey choking on his own words, he’s now doing it in real life. He turns a deep blood red color, collapses on stage, and dies in front of everyone to the horror of the groom. We find out later Christian died from a drug overdose combined with the single glass of alcohol he had consumed at the wedding. It was purely by accident, and the drug was ecstasy, meant to be used as some form of elation to counter the anxiety he was anticipating before going on stage…
Strangely enough, I felt sad for Christian, and it never occurred to me to feel bad for the groom until hindsight kicked in from writing this dream… The groom lost so much more, but all I could feel was sadness for the best man.
Just woke up from a bad dream
It started off with me going to some public nutrition class at Walgreens when I find out clients from great bay are attending it. Im directed to where Darlene is, and her aunt is sitting with her; I sneak up along side her and wait until she notices me – her aunt sees me first and says “heeeyyy! Darlene, look who it is!”
“Look Darlene it’s really her!”
I throw my arms around her, sob my eyes out on her shoulder cause I missed her so much, and chat for a small bit. The class continues on about health and nutrition and it’s Darlenes turn to talk. She grabs this probiotic medicine off the shelf and tries to talk about it to the group, but wasn’t able to find her words well and asked me for help. Where I’m not her DSP anymore and knew nothing of it, her aunt jumped in and talked about it for her. After the class ended and I said goodbye and left.
I get to the parking lot, realize I need to use the bathroom, walk back inside but it’s no longer Walgreens, it’s a warped version of great bay services – everything was dimly lit and had the feel of an 80’s mental asylum. As I walk further in I decided I needed an escort so I don’t get thrown out again by upper management. Sarah comes around the corner in the nik of time and gets me there safely. When I’m done I come out, and there’s Dawn L. Chatting away with someone. I try to leave without her noticing me but it didn’t work. She proceeds to have a conversation with me as I walk out the door and she walks along side me, talking about my brother Jamie and her restaurant.
“You know I know your brother, right?”
“Uhh, I mean both of my brothers work as cooks – one for Olive Garden and one at the friendly toast.”
“Oh I know, Jamie works for me too in the kitchen.”
I really wanted her to leave me alone at this point as my hatred for her was turning into fear. She was dropping subtle hints towards how she has a “good working relationship” with him, unlike me and the trouble I caused at great bay, and that she’s actually a good person, and it’s a “Shame” we couldn’t all “get along.” We went our separate ways shortly thereafter, and I woke up.
I had a dream… Well, an sexual fantasy, but it was a little… Strange to say the least.
I don’t remember the whole of the dream, just the intensity of it. I was standing in line somewhere looking to place an order for something, and I was with a random group of friends I didn’t know. Suddenly I feel someone rubbing the right side of my thigh and my butt. Rather than being pissed and thinking “creeper”, I turn around to find its some highly attractive male pretending to itch his own leg and there just happened to be very little distance between us which “forced” him to touch me…
That ability to be so damn clever, bold, and brash turned me the fuck on in such a HUGE way. I looked up at his eyes and gave him a smirk letting him know I wanted more, and liked it. He took that look in que and as I stepped forward 1 step he slid in behind me so that my back was now flush against his chest, and I could feel grinding up against me was the hardest errection I’d ever encountered. I tilted my head back and he give me a gentle and possessive kiss – it was like a fire had just errupted in me, and I wanted him bad, and I wanted him now.
This must have been the point I woke up thanks to my son cause nothing happened after that kiss, but damn did I want him.
In hindsight what he did was almost like a wild animal marking his mate the way he rubbed up on me in public, and I’m baffled that rather than screaming “pervert” I indulged in it. >.>’ Strange…
Recently I’ve been working out of Pia Mellodys work on facing love addiction, and it separates how codependent addicts are split into 2 categories: the love addict, and the love avoidant. Love addicts cling at the hip where love avoidants fear that intimacy, but desperately crave it. As the patterns unfolded before me for myself, people I’ve worshiped in the past, and the toxic church system that breeds emotional addiction, I’ve come into some pretty painful dreams lately; my laptop has been out of commission however, so my blogging journey sucks with this crappy WordPress app that’s incredibly slow.
Moving on, dreams of abandonment have surfaced where either I’m swarmed by fruit flys or Mosquitos and I’m forced to abandon everyone, including my son, just to run away so the bugs follow me and won’t hurt anyone anymore.
I’ve had dreams where I’m fighting with people through text and wake up trying to discern if it was real or not, and my visions have never been that intense
I’ve had dreams of being punished and abandoned that force me to wake up in tears… Connecting with all this baggage without the assistance of extreme religion based on sheep hearing mentalities or friends who don’t value spirituality and connecting within oneself the way I do so brazenly hurts… It hurts a lot. I finally get why I don’t understand friendships, and how removing people at the drop of a dime is a faulty protective feature I use because it helps me cope with emotions and maintains control…
But this sucks.
I want so bad to indulge in my mind palace – fantasies that get me high and help me run away from reality… But I’m afraid. It’s a cycle of addiction that’s very punch-drunk-love based in its own way. It’s safe. It’s pervasive. I miss running away into a heady, potent, and intoxicating dream world… It’s a functional coping skill for children in neglectful or abusive situations but works as a double edge sword with both strengths and weaknesses as a result.
For now I’ll go back to my energy work, back to my oracle cards, and back to my stones, teas, and singing bowl… I really need to make an altar, but more importantly, I need to find a way to escape these nightmares. Sleeping past 5am without the panic attacks would be amazing.
To My Dearest Love,
Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.
Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting.
I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.
Evening of Night 2:
My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.
I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.
I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.
The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.
“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…”
Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…
It’s hard to breathe…
I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud.
>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)
While normally I use this site to record my dreams, as well as talk about the occasional life event every now and then, this post is about living your dreams. Specifically, I was accepted into my Masters degree program for Mental Health Counseling. My dreams is to one day be able to open my own practice, however, I need your help. Please take the time to read carefully, and help however you can.
Much love from the hopeless dreamer herself,
Dreams do come true…. this time, it was a dream spent wide awake for 4 years, with the hardest hurdle being the last hurdle. I finally have my bachelors degree, and sent out the application today to Mount Washington College to send my transcripts over to New England College for my masters degree. I’m putting all my eggs in one basket by only applying to this college, but I don’t have to take my GRE’s for it. If I don’t succeed, I wont be deterred – it just means I’ll have to try again and find an alternative route to accomplishing my dreams. I cannot begin to express how amazing this feels. I’m 1/3 of the way to becoming a therapist, among other things. I don’t exactly know how the future will play out, but the one thing of value I’ve gained most in all of this, is a sense of self-worth. I walked into this degree four years ago believing I was stupid, and desperate for some level of navigation, not knowing where I’d go or what I’d do. Nothing is still set in stone as of yet, but I’m always getting one step closer to becoming who I was truly meant to be. This is perhaps the only thing I’m searching for after all….
Still, get my masters, open my own practice, own a home by the lake, and enjoy life. This is all I really want. I’ve learned to be happy being single, and as long as I’m getting laid here and there, I’m good. 😀 Life is good…. life is good…
So looking forward to cracking open a new bottle and brand of wine. The hardest decision tonight is do I want the raspberry cream or the chocolate truffle wine… hmm… I wonder if they would blend well together.