Tag Archives: energy

Soul Baring

Why does falling for someone have this weird obsessive intensity to it? For the past couple of days I find myself wanting to lie in bed and think of him… Endless sarcasm, deeper connections, too many positions and bedroom games that I’ve rehearsed before I’ve ever laid a finger on him. 


Thankfully he likes me too – winking at me, starting me down, showing up in my line and joking away, creating a list of adventures for us to take next month, calling me out cause he wants to be touched too, and so on. Short of flat out saying it he’s told me in every other way possible, which is humorous considering he’s all “tell it to me straight because I hate having to dissect information and figure it out”. He’s a georgeous and complicated piece of work whose vibrational energy seems ignite and awaken something so much healthier than what I’ve ever known. The closer I long to be the more awareness I have towards so little I know of him, but from what I’ve been able to dissect there’s just a healthy enough of a balance to maintain individuality and joining while still learning and growing. I can tell I’m nearing the dirty 30 prime because I physically have a hard time containing how primal my lust seems to be at present, and the cliche of what feels like a burning fire within suddenly is no longer cliche, and the potency of teenage longing feels like child play, making it difficult to maintain eye contact with him at times, which I know he perceives as a reflect of low self-esteem to some extent, but boy I’ve never felt so nervous about the feelings and sensations I have within me. 


In truth, although I asked my tarot cards what the future holds between us, and I was shocked to see the lovers right there in plain sight I still held disbelief that he’d ever look my way… It’s just so strange, and the unfolding of us seems so agonizingly slow at this point, perhaps to teach me a lesson about myself as destiny writes itself on the pages of fate. For now and for the next couple of days, I need to resolve to return to self – It’s the only way I’m going to be able to maintain myself and contain the illusion of strength while descending into someing much darker and richer emotionally than I ever thought could exist. 


If only my understanding of the realms of love and emotion for men didn’t seem like such a mystery, maybe then I’d have a better idea of what I’m doing rather than chasing the safest energy path in blind trust. Visions and beliefs begin to manifest that perhaps the pain and bullshit I’ve experienced will contextually make sense when faced with the reality of you – the resonance of what seems and feels like a twin flame becoming a reality. I’m not seeking to be completed, because I see what makes me whole quite clearly now… But… It’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. Im at a loss, but comfortable in the darkness right now… The realm of intellectual unknowing because emotionally, I feel comfort cause somehow I know where this is where I need to be; a trust in the process without knowing what the process is. 


Dear Josh, I can only hope on some level you feel how raw, carnal, and primal this energy is… You told me you chose a path of celibacy because you’re waiting for “the one”. Romantic in its own right, and self-protection on another, all I heard was that I’d need to work twice as hard for anything to happen between us. Luckily, I’m a hard worker, but damn… I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. ❤️

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Spiritually in Tune

Learning about psychic abilities, I’m amazed how so many forms of spirituality point back to the law of attraction and being in touch with the universe/universal mind. I need to continue practicing the law of attraction of enhance my craft and my being. 

Reading the book it talked about clairaudience – the ability to hear a voice that moves you in the right direction. It reminded me of one of the few spiritual experiences I’ve never been able to shake. I had just come back from my first ever prayer retreat for youth, and when I returned home I was unable to find something. Where my grandmother brought me home I figured it must have fallen out in her car, so I asked for her keys and looked.

I opened the door to her Pontiac sunfire and dug around the front seats first – nothing. She keeps her car spotless. Then I slid the driver seat forward and got back in my knees and checked. My ears were almost against the floor of the backseat of the car when I heard it… It was a choior of voices singing together in unison. There was no words. I would describe it as something close to Sancte Deus by the Thomas Tallis Schollars, but of course that’s in Latin. What I heard as a teen could have very well been in Latin, but I wouldn’t have been able to identify it. I kneeled there in awe listening for a good 12 seconds at least, and when I picked my head back up its as if my consciousness altered to a state of alertness since I was now looking for those voices, feeling certain I was mistaken, but when I put my head back down I heard those same voices rapidly fading. I never heard anything like that in my life, and I never heard it again. At the time I called it Angels… Now? I wouldn’t know what to call them since Angels are a highly judeo-Christian concept, just like Satan. Although there are some traces back to universal energy such as the Holy Spirit, the rigidity of the bible bothers my moral values system too much to allow it back into my life. The level of sexism, homophobia, slavery, and so on kills me – not to mention that the God of the bible is incredibly two-faced. I can’t tell if it has multiple personality disorder or was going through his own spiritual journey and was using human beings as the ultimate experiment in twisted humor. 

*sigh*

The funny thing is I’ve kept so many of my prayer journals from when I was a kid that I should probably pick one up and use it as a way back into who I was as a teen. I couldn’t throw them way because my mother would take them and read them if she found them, and of course my dad stole my diary. Nothing was kept sacred. It’s the one thing I need to teach my son is that his life is sacred, his body is sacred, his space is sacred, and the same is true for others. Treat life & people as sacred… If he can. If we can. If I can. 

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