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My Dearest Nightmare


Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…


It’s coming…


It’s hard to breathe…


I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)



It started off with my ex. It’s fragmented at this point, but I remember being very angry at him. I remember him hitting on me, and my skin crawled. I was on the outside looking in, trying to warn some woman about how bad he was – but she didn’t listen. He was manipulative and deceiving – I couldn’t stand it.

Then I remember being with someone I thought was a friend. She was dyeing her hair purple, and I thought it was awesome. I turn around and look for the blue dye so I can do the same in this over-sized beauty store. I couldn’t find any, so I look for the next best thing – hair chalk. Sadly there was none at all. I wandered around and heard no response when asking people if they knew if the store had some. Oh well – defeated I walk back to my friend and settle on a red color. I get the stuff in my hair and wait a little bit, then walk to some random person working there and ask for my hair to be rinsed out. As I play with my hair real quick I noticed a big thick blob of blue hair dye, so I work it into the rest of my hair real quick and also got it purple. Once I was happy I sit in the chair for her to rinse it and instead, she grabs a huge pair of kitchen sheers and starts to cut it straight along the back. When I tried to move she pinned me, so I pushed her and jumped out. “WHAT THE HELL” I screamed, “Why did you do that!?!” “Because I didn’t like it. No one should be wearing bright colors like that in their hair; it’s unnatural.” I felt around the back and she didnt get all my hair. I was crushed; it looked like a mullet now. I run back and tell my friend what happened and so we approach her together. We tell her we’re rinsing out my hair and she said no, so I beat the shit out of her. I was fuming, and I couldn’t help it. Normally I’m not like this in real life, and I’m rather ashamed to be typing it out even if it was just a dream. :-/



I remember driving towards sanborneville in the big white van. I took the normal path – nothing special; gas station on the corner just off 16. I had no idea why I was going, but I just was. It was a beautiful day and I think the sun was just barely starting to set; the world seemed to have this warm golden-orangeish hue about it. It must have been around 3pm. I had the window down and my arm resting along side. I looked out the window towards the train tracks passing by on my left. I feel at peace. There is no purpose. There is no destination – only what lies ahead of me, what lies around me, and peace.

Then I’m at home somehow and I get a phone call from my mother. She’s having an argument with randy or something, and she asks for my help on communication skills to improve the situation. I don’t remember how exactly I respond, but I think I don’t help her in the end because I’m still working on improving my communication skills. How can I claim to help her when I’m not proficient enough in my own world? I remember asking myself this question in my dream…. still, she said she understands and was proud of me with my education.

983545-1920x1200 - lay down and relax by Christopher Wesser

The dream of annoying betrayal


During an afternoon nap I took, I had an awful dream.

I’m sitting on the couch with Elizabeth having a conversation about my sons school. They switched up his daily progress reports to a piece of paper with check marks and comments. I tell elizabeth about this and how its not the same thing as a hand written report, and she misconstrues my message to think that I’m complaining that the teachers dont care about my son or family enough.

Well, lizzy leaves for a few minutes and walks back in the door.

She starts off lecturing me about the school and asking if I knew about all the hard work the teachers put into taking care of my son and I said yes, so she continues on and concludes it all with saying “so the teachers didn’t appreciate you saying you feel like they’re neglecting your son, and you hurt their feelings.” I got instantly pissed and said “wait a minute, you told them about that conversations?” To which, she looked someone shocked and said “well I had to go to the school anyway.”

I lost it.

“First of all,” I shouted “that was a PRIVATE conversation between the two of us. You fucking twisted my words because that is NOT how I felt, and spread around a bunch of bull shit.”
“Second, I was on AMAZING terms with his teachers, and I NEVER had a problem with them! What the hell!?!” Then I carelessly threw out the “B” word.

She cuts me off on mid-way though my rant and sulkily says “so does this mean were not mother daughter anymore?”
Lizzy and I have this thing where I’m like a daughter to her and shes like a mom to me, so she was clarifying on the status of our friendship. I couldn’t answer, and that pissed me off even more – it was a low blow. If I told her we were still friends like that it would force me to calm down and make it seem like what she did was acceptable – and it wasn’t; not by any means.

I grunted loudly and said “I need to find my phone and call the school.” She says “okay.” I flip through my contacts and hit the dial, but no one answers. It goes to voice messaging and I realize its the wrong number. I grow more frustrated and express how I NEED to fix this. Lizzy storms off into her room and mumbles “how rude.”

I want for round two and said “Excuse me? You’re the one who fucking caused all this shit. Are you really gonna sit there and bitch about the fact that I’M ANGRY BECAUSE YOU LIED AND SPREAD RUMORS IN A WAY THAT COULD FUCK OVER MY SONS EDUCATION, AND HIS ENTIRE LIFE!?!? ARE YOU SHITTING ME!!”

Once again she throws out the mother/daughter line. I grunt and even louder and go through my contacts again. I wont forgive her until I can make this right, and if I cant – I’m throwing her out!

I flip though my numbers again and wake up after not being able to find it.


Prior to this dream I was running in and out of various locations with various people. It ended when Peter and Jason pulled up at church in his dads car. I didn’t know how to handle it. I know before then Jamie was in it, and I was running; I think I was venturing for something like a treasure or something of value and worth. I wish I could remember.

Role Playing Adventurer

My brother comes home from Florida as surprise. He’s moving back in and I wonder why? “I thought you were happier down there.” “It was nice” he says, “but it didn’t work out as I’d hoped.” I asked how dad was taking it, and he said he’s a little upset, but he understands. It just didn’t work out as we had hoped.

Somehow the dream shifts gears, and now I’m a sword wielding adventurer collecting perks, items, and upgrades as I go. I forget where the first place was that had me fighting monsters, but as the game progressed, I wound up in a tiny village in a frozen wasteland. My brother Jamie and sister Cara are there now. I wander off to a frozen ice-wall with a tiny cliff to climb up on. Suddenly, wolves emerge for me to fight off while I’m on the cliff (about 6 feet off the ground.) I jump down, bring out my sword, and go in for the kill. Slash one, kick another so it’s sent flying, and use one of my funky powers on the last one. As the bodies disappear  the “prizes” are left in their place. They were shining white orbs that look like stars, and when I picked one up I got these powerful ice shoes. When I kick something again, this time they’ll become frozen and shatter from the impact of the ice on your body crashing against the ground.  As I’m celebrating and admiring my new gear, I catch something “floating” out of the corner of my eye in the ocean behind us… it’s black, red, and kind of leather looking. I try to carry out my conversations with everyone, but I keep having to turn away to steal a few glances of this thing. Finally, it’s close to the shore, and rising upward. I scream at my sister to run, and my brother stands with me. My sister doesn’t listen for fear and concern of our safety. She stands a few feet behind us. I scream at the top of my lungs that if she doesn’t leave, it’s going to kill her… she’s going to die, and it’ll be her fault if we get hurt trying to save her. We will suffer for the rest of our lives because of her, and I end it desperately screaming “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!?!?!!!”. She pales at the thought of this. Suddenly – it’s too late. A massive walrus emerges from ocean towering 3 stories above us from top to bottom. I freak out. There is NO way a low-level pussy like me is gonna defeat this thing… I lack the power and strength. I scream “RRUUUNNNNN” to everyone, and my siblings and I run inside on of the houses.

Once inside I think we’re at least somewhat safe, but I was wrong. Suddenly the door bursts open and he squeezes his massive body through the door and takes up the bulk of the livingroom. Once he’s inside we make a mad dash for the kitchen, but he’s shrunk enough now to some degree where he can fit his whole body inside, but can’t progress any further. It’s stuck and can’t do anything – plus we have windows and a back door to escape. As fate slowly turns in my favor, I grow less fearful, and the walrus shrinks again. Furthermore, it’s losing it’s ability to move well from not being in it’s natural environment. In a brave attempt I walk up behind it and kick it with my ice abilities, but my ice shoes no longer work. I don’t understand what went wrong or why, but the beast doesn’t acknowledge me much… it just looks at me kind of confused and sad. My panic disperses, and I leave.

God Save the Queen

So I dreamt I was invited to a party in England. The invitation was given by the queen, and among my present company at the time was vegeta and goku. At some point the cast changed and switched out to ransom people I didn’t know. Additionaly, vegeta and goku didn’t make any contributions to the dream so much as they were in the same room as me.

The invitation was for a ball that required mandatory wealthy dress attire. I found myself in this beautiful red renaissance dress and make it there. After wandering around I found myself in a small bed chamber with the queen of England herself on the throne. Oddly enough there was no bed, just dresser drawers in this dimly candle lit room. There was a small collection of her personal advisers in the room all talking and discussing political issues, and I went in and thanked the Queen for the party. Being in her presence reminded me of wanting to see my psychology professor Deirdre, so I went back to see if I could find her in the party. Shortly thereafter we were all summonsed to follow the royal guards, and so we went into a room that looked like a dungeon without any prison cells, just areas that branched out rectangularly within this largely oval shaped room. The room was empty at first, and then we find out it was a battle royal. All of a sudden the cast changes yet again, and I’m in a black nighting gale outfit of armor.

We all picked our weapons, and everything switched to skyrim mode within this torch lit room. The enemy starts pouring in, and they actually worked for the queen. She wanted to obtain new champions by determining who is the strongest by life and death circumstances. The fight ensues and no one really dies. You hear the clash of metal from the axes and swords at play, but I mentally used a cheat command from skyrim called “~tcl”. What it does is it stops everyone from moving and gives you the ability to fly and walk through things. I send myself flying in the air and grab my bow and arrow to attack from above in sneak mode. Funny enough, I actually had the bow and arrows I wield now for my character. It’s an Orc bow enchanted with lightning.

I never did fire any arrows, I just listened to the dialogue exchange. One had someone to do with fighting for a woman they love and their competition was on the opposing force. The rest had stereotypical dialogue exchange from the elderscrolls series. They were shouting “why wont you just die” before executing power attacks, or things like “die your cur”.

I woke up and debated if I should get this down now or fall back asleep, but I rather like the dream and didnt want to forget.