Tag Archives: Friends

Alone in a Coffee Shop

I’m surprised, geniunley shocked that I have alone time before work to write this morning. Having a car back has been bliss, and I’ve bought so many reading materials it’s gonna take a while to get through them all – from 365 ways to raise your vibration, to the artists ways creativity cards & her right to write book, poetry on the beauty of mourning, books on reiki and energy healing, a new tarot deck, connecting with the dark goddess, and more. 


My life in 1 month went from my roommates moving out and having no one, to constantly being booked with “let’s hang out” from people I love. Isobel even asked me out on a date yesterday! It’s funny cause when I first met her I though she swung both ways, then found out she was in a relationship with a guy, then find out yesterday she does swing both ways and because she’s on month 10 of no sex in her relationship, her and her man agreed to an open relationship, and she’s looking. I on the other hand had a goal this year of trying to be with a woman so I can finally have closure on my bisexuality, since I’ve always been attracted to women, have made out with them, and want to know what it’s like. It’s strange… Never would I thought I’d be contemplating someone in an open relationship because of how monogamous I am, but where neither of us are certain of what we want and where we’re going, the title gives room for a level of exploration and freedom I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I need to find a sitter, but I’m very excited! As for Josh I’m pretty hardcore into the friend zone, and I don’t know what to make of it. I do have feelings for him, but I also acknowledge that I don’t know him well enough, nor do I get to spend enough time with him to do so. An open concept towards dating where I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket may be best at this point, where it allows for freedom, exploration, and play – something I don’t think I’ve ever looked for in the past. 


Today I’m supposed to take Sarah to fort stark, but it’s raining so, who knows if that’ll happen. Yesterday I had coffee with destiny in the morning, and dinner with a different Sarah from another lifetime at Panera. Alex was over the other night, and kinda drunk. That was a really good time too. Honestly I’m just blown away by the direction life is taking me, and where I’m taking my life. In truth though I am genuinely starting to miss that deeper connection with myself that I get through alone time and reflection, which is why I’m happy to just have me this morning. Friday I have off, and the kiddo will be in school, so I may have to take advantage of that. We’ll see what happens… Side note, I’m growing a plant successfully, and it’s my favorite too! Peppermint! She’s doing so well, and I’m very proud of her growth ūüėā! Funny to feel that way towards a plant, but it’s true. It’s an amazing indoor plant that I may have to get more of. 

Reconnecting with the past

  

Recently I’ve been working out of Pia Mellodys work on facing love addiction, and it separates how codependent addicts are split into 2 categories: the love addict, and the love avoidant. Love addicts cling at the hip where love avoidants fear that intimacy, but desperately crave it. As the patterns unfolded before me for myself, people I’ve worshiped in the past, and the toxic church system that breeds emotional addiction, I’ve come into some pretty painful dreams lately; my laptop has been out of commission however, so my blogging journey sucks with this crappy WordPress app that’s incredibly slow. 

Moving on, dreams of abandonment have surfaced where either I’m swarmed by fruit flys or Mosquitos and I’m forced to abandon everyone, including my son, just to run away so the bugs follow me and won’t hurt anyone anymore. 

I’ve had dreams where I’m fighting with people through text and wake up trying to discern if it was real or not, and my visions have never been that intense

I’ve had dreams of being punished and abandoned that force me to wake up in tears… Connecting with all this baggage without the assistance of extreme religion based on sheep hearing mentalities or friends who don’t value spirituality and connecting within oneself the way I do so brazenly hurts… It hurts a lot. I finally get why I don’t understand friendships, and how removing people at the drop of a dime is a faulty protective feature I use because it helps me cope with emotions and maintains control…

But this sucks. 

I want so bad to indulge in my mind palace – fantasies that get me high and help me run away from reality… But I’m afraid. It’s a cycle of addiction that’s very punch-drunk-love based in its own way. It’s safe. It’s pervasive. I miss running away into a heady, potent, and intoxicating dream world… It’s a functional coping skill for children in neglectful or abusive situations but works as a double edge sword with both strengths and weaknesses as a result. 

For now I’ll go back to my energy work, back to my oracle cards, and back to my stones, teas, and singing bowl… I really need to make an altar, but more importantly, I need to find a way to escape these nightmares. Sleeping past 5am without the panic attacks would be amazing. 

My Dearest Nightmare

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Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess¬†who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting.¬†

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast¬†would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…”¬†

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…

“No”

It’s coming…

“NO”

It’s hard to breathe…

“NOOOO”

I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)

The dream of annoying betrayal

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During an afternoon nap I took, I had an awful dream.

I’m sitting on the couch with Elizabeth having a conversation about my sons school. They switched up his daily progress reports to a piece of paper with check marks and comments. I tell elizabeth about this and how its not the same thing as a hand written report, and she misconstrues my message to think that I’m complaining that the teachers dont care about my son or family enough.

Well, lizzy leaves for a few minutes and walks back in the door.

She starts off lecturing me about the school and asking if I knew about all the hard work the teachers put into taking care of my son and I said yes, so she continues on and concludes it all with saying “so the teachers didn’t appreciate you saying you feel like they’re neglecting your son, and you hurt their feelings.” I got instantly pissed and said “wait a minute, you told them about that conversations?” To which, she looked someone shocked and said “well I had to go to the school anyway.”

I lost it.

“First of all,” I shouted “that was a PRIVATE conversation between the two of us. You fucking twisted my words because that is NOT how I felt, and spread around a bunch of bull shit.”
“Second, I was on AMAZING terms with his teachers, and I NEVER had a problem with them! What the hell!?!” Then I carelessly threw out the “B” word.

She cuts me off on mid-way though my rant and sulkily says “so does this mean were not mother daughter anymore?”
Lizzy and I have this thing where I’m like a daughter to her and shes like a mom to me, so she was clarifying on the status of our friendship. I couldn’t answer, and that pissed me off even more – it was a low blow. If I told her we were still friends like that it would force me to calm down and make it seem like what she did was acceptable – and it wasn’t; not by any means.

I grunted loudly and said “I need to find my phone and call the school.” She says “okay.” I flip through my contacts and hit the dial, but no one answers. It goes to voice messaging and I realize its the wrong number. I grow more frustrated and express how I NEED to fix this. Lizzy storms off into her room and mumbles “how rude.”

I want for round two and said “Excuse me? You’re the one who fucking caused all this shit. Are you really gonna sit there and bitch about the fact that I’M ANGRY BECAUSE YOU LIED AND SPREAD RUMORS IN A WAY THAT COULD FUCK OVER MY SONS EDUCATION, AND HIS ENTIRE LIFE!?!? ARE YOU SHITTING ME!!”

Once again she throws out the mother/daughter line. I grunt and even louder and go through my contacts again. I wont forgive her until I can make this right, and if I cant – I’m throwing her out!

I flip though my numbers again and wake up after not being able to find it.

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Prior to this dream I was running in and out of various locations with various people. It ended when Peter and Jason pulled up at church in his dads car. I didn’t know how to handle it. I know before then Jamie was in it, and I was running; I think I was venturing for something like a treasure or something of value and worth. I wish I could remember.

Rushing Waters

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I’m with someone at a brook in the middle of the woods – not sure who he is but I trust him. I decided I was thirsty and needed to get a drink. “In the middle of the woods, the water must be pure” I thought. The guy thats with me tells me not too because it’s not clean, but it seems clean enough to me. Maybe there were bugs in it? Did a moose drink from it? I didn’t know. To find out, I follow it upstream and the gentle waters start to pick up the pace.

I stop focusing on the water below me and pick up my head to notice a gated off area where the water comes from. The gate had a private property – no trespassing sign, along with a danger sign, warning sign, and a really long notice. Behind it is a massive sandstone water plant of some kind, and the water runs from this plant downward into the woods to create a river – no wonder I shouldn’t drink it. Maybe it was polluted water? I don’t know. I open the gate and my friend and I step in. He closes it behind me, and we cautiously make our way forward, unsure what to expect.

I decided to keep following the sight and sound of the rushing water to guide me through this place. The water is being pumped through massive tanks & dams. I make my way up some stairs against a drop off and end up inside the building with the water running through it. There were extremely large metal coils and tanks to the sides of the room, and smaller pipes running above my head. The rooms was somewhat lit, and against the sandstone it was an orangey-yellow emergency lighting. Heading out of this room the quality of the water returns to its natural state because its coming from its real source; the water becomes fine to drink again.

Finally I reach another set of stairs and make it too the top. I see my dad and brother playing in the entrance of the water, which has been turned into a pressurized water slide that travels up and down. I ask the worker at the top of the stairs if it’s safe to play in, and he says “Sure! Watch….” Out of nowhere a baby pig squeals and runs right up to him, and he takes the pig and chucks it straight up into air so it lands in the water slide. It squeals even more at it slides up and down on the slide.

As I make my way out to leave, theres a baby boy in nothing more than a diaper playing near the cliff of the building. Below was a massive amount of water, and he could drown – if not break a few bones from the impact of the landing. I was afraid for him, and I managed to associate him as my son. He never fell in, he just toddled his way around. I was terrified for this child.

Embracing One Another

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I was traveling with a large group of SDA friends, former SDA friends, and random people from SDA academies that I didn’t know. We ended up at this indoor camp retreat – much like natures classroom. The room we’re in is a half-moon shape with boards of wood angled just so to make the curve around half the room. I, Jeff, and Stephanie are up against the wall; I’m lying on this half bed/couch thing facing the entrance in front of me. Stephanie is standing to the left and started chatting away with a few people. Jeff is to my right sitting on the couch. Ryan U. appears through the front door, and I secretly pang a little inside. He was here because of some sort of competitive thing where he and a few friends were doing some boot-camp style competition, and needed a place to crash. Ryan initially sits next to me, and I’m polite and say hi. Soon he’s getting on with Jeff and laughing it up about whatever. I wish his brother was beside me instead.

Well, my mind must have agreed with me, because in walks his brother Jay, and Ryan seems to disappears into thin air. Jay was all too happy to see me (for once.) He sits down beside me on this bed thing and we start to chat. He’s tired from training, and wants to sleep, but a presentation is about to begin. The man in charge switches off the lights and throws on a movie that none of us care to watch. All of us in the room pretty much ignore it, and soon people start to fade out. After a while Jay & I inch our way closer to one another on this bed/couch thing. First were sitting upright, then were sitting with my arm linked in his, then he holds my hand and slouches down, until eventually were laying down snuggled together. The odd thing is – were both happy to finally be in each others embrace. Time slips by slowly, and it feels like an eternity I got to stay curled up with him.

Finally I saw Ryan in a reflection across the room, but his reflection was sitting beside Jay. I pick my head up to look and find him, but he’s not here… kind of like a phantom sighting. I tell Jay Ryan was here, and he picks his head up to scan the room too. We give up because neither of us want to escape one anothers embrace. I realize right then and there I’m dreaming and panic a little, which sends my dreams to a hault, and forces me to wake up and write this down.

No Fun. Not Fair. Fuck. >.>’

*Sigh* I guess my mind is doing this because Peter freaked me out. Jay told me in an email “I’m not a christian anymore,” and I took it that he was no longer going to church. A few times I’ve gone last year, and not once did I see him. The day I decide to go back, Peter tells me he’ll be here next week. Crap. I am shocked that Peter seemed happy to see me.

Happy New Year: My Year in Review

This is my once-a-year summary to reflect on all that I’ve been through and the changes that I have made. If I had to summarize my year to one word: progress. I’m so happy to see it, and there’s much more to come.

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For now here’s what I have to reflect on:

Education:

I OFFICIALLY HAVE MY ASSOCIATES!!! WOOHOO!!!

Literally, that is this years crowning achievement. 3 Years of stress, joy, late nights fueled by coffee, tears, bus trips, and miles of walking through rain, hail, snow, and blistering heat paid off. No more day care expenses from Christine the over-abuser of paychecks and wallets. It’s all come to an end with my associates degree.

Now? I’m working on my bachelors! Yessah! I’ll be done by this time next year; all of this indicates a significant chapter of my life opening and closing, determined by tests, papers, and terms. Literally, I live my life by terms…. it’s not a bad thing at that. I finished my Associates with a B+, but am trying my damnedest to make sure I finish with an A by this time next year. I’m studying for my GRE’s already to get into grad school, and start working on my Doctorate degree. Lets face it, you can’t expect to do very well with nothing but a bachelors in psychology…. I just couldn’t be living up to my fullest potential. I’d need a masters at least, and it’s just not worth it to stop at 4 years when you can have the doctorate in 5.

Friends:

I’ve made some and lost some. The most significant change was losing Brianna Lockheart, and gaining Lasandra. I can’t figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but we’ll see. I was having game night every Saturday night for a few months. Molly and Adam came, but Molly had to be the immature angry kid she still is at heart. I feel sorry for her, but thats about it. It’s no longer my loss, or concern. I guess this is a new journey for me… getting rid of the people who only do harm. That brings me to my next subject…

The Ex:

THANK GOD HE IS FINALLY GONE!!! After being abused, I’ve never been happier that he’s gone; and wouldn’t you know, my hair grew back as a result. I lived my life in constant fear, paranoia, depression, and panic attacks with him. I had no idea how badly he was killing me from the inside out. I still see him once every 3 months or so… and when I do, I have a major panic attach with rage sweeping over me, but considering how little he cares about his son, I’m just glad I don’t see him any more than that. I fucking hate him.

Sex:

Go figure – I dump the ex and meet a new guy a few days later… but it’s done and over with. Nick was an amazing guy, but it wasn’t meant to be. No hard feelings. I am thankful for one thing though…. he taught me I still have self worth, even though he didn’t know it. With my ex always complaining about me in the bedroom, I felt like shit. Nick on the other hand made me feel like the naughty kitten I am, and in the end I also learned: Aris is getting old. It wasn’t my fault he’s aging, and therefore, isn’t as sexually “fierce” as he use to be. Sucks to be him cause I still got it. Also, nick likes full figured women like me. My ex called me fat and ugly. At least I know I’m still appealing to some guys out there… but still, I can do better and I hate being fat. Hopefully my therapy sessions can help me correct my mentality so I can stick to my workout guns

~ Oh, and 50 shades of Grey came out and I discovered my inner kinky chika! Best part of 2012 right there baby! Lmao!

Licence:

I can finally say I’m half way there. I passed the written portion in September, and am working on the driving portion. I hope to have it done at the very latest by my birthday,

Family:

My brother moved out, and my friends Elizabeth and Katie moved in! Financially this will help me significantly, and since she can teach me how to drive, thats exactly what she’s going to do. It’s a really hard change since they just moved in less than a week ago, but we’ll live.

My relationship with mom is better than it was, and I’m finally changing my attitude towards here, but it’s a hard walk to face. Hopefully therapy will fix that too.

MY SON STARTED SCHOOL THIS YEAR TOO! He’s no longer at community partners, but his progress there wasn’t as great as it is today. He’s come such a long way with everything for a kid with aspergers…. I love him to death! I am so proud of him! ‚̧ Now if I could just get him out of diapers…

Elections:

Obama won, Maggie Hassan is the new Govenor, and Carol-Shea Porter is back in office. Go Democrats! I got what I wanted!

Christianity:

I finally decided I can't keep fighting with who I am. I was brought up a Seventh-day Advetist, and I'm going back. Life was better then.

Blog:

OH MY GOD! I maintained a blog for more than 3 months of the year and still going… plus, it's a dream blog (with the exception of this anyway!) I have to say I'm proud of myself for it, and I love it! It's an amazing hobby of mine!

Skyrim:
Fuck Yeah! Thats old news from last year, but amazing news – deal with it!

Personal:

I've become more in touch with myself spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I'm seeing my faults a little clearer, as well as my strengths. I'm changing and growing for the better and I hope to keep it going!

Tomorrow, I'll write my New Year Resolutions. For now – I have some friends waiting for me at Castaways in Dover! I've never been, and this is the one time of the year I go out! I'm so excited! WOOT WOOOOT!!!

Forever in your Debt

The first part of my dream is hard to remember, consisting of varying elements. The second half is MUCH clearer, and I HAVE to work through it with dream analysis.

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Part 1:

My ex was in my dream. We talked about something and I know I got pissed. Eventually he left and I went and talked with a few random people who were “friends,” although I know none of them. I remember telling them something to do with the fact that he’s an asshole for neglecting his son, but Ienjoy my life with him not being around. I can finally breathe. Then I was somehow employed. My job was to go to random places and ask for my boss’s debt they owe… don’t know if it was rent or favors or what. Never actually got around to asking for anything though… just traveled randomly. I know I was between staples and yangtze restaurant at some point. Finally I walk into a bar for my job and am standing at the entrance with everybody looking at me – though not awkwardly, just ready to engage in a converstaion, like I was one of the regulars. I made a comment how the local media said no one died this year for christmas/december season. Some folks were happy to hear it – others were there because they needed a stiff drink and a chance to vent, so afterwards someone piped up and started complaining on how some places got busted by the state liquor commissioner – swearing up a storm and thinking this is the end for all bars. Drunk fool. >.>’

Part 2:

Then my dream changed. I was living –¬†breathing¬†underwater. On a personal note this has NEVER happened before. Until I had the museum dream with the¬†Egyptian¬†necklace being stolen, I’d always drown. Now, I’m breathing. I’m shocked in real life. Anyway… there was a large wooden table on the bottom of the sea with 7 chairs around it. The ocean water itself was a vivid blue color. My mom was at the head of the table, and my sister was quietly sitting off to the side by herself. Mom was happy to see me, and I her. I cracked a joke about how surprised I am that were all still breathing – but then something caught my eye as she was talking. Off in the distance I saw a man covering his mouth and struggling under the water. He was drowning – and I couldn’t believe who it was…. it was Jay, and he was at the end of his rope. I tell my mom to excuse me, since I need to take care of something dire, and I’m off. I take my oxygen tank I had¬†equipped¬†on my back (out of nowhere) and adjust the ¬†pressure¬†so air could escape from the bottom of the tank. It quickly¬†propels¬†me forward and he’s soon in my arms. He’s not breathing. I remained calm the whole time, and brought him to the surface – hoping to save him. I was just shy of a few seconds from delivering air to him – I still had a chance to revive him. Were in the middle of the ocean though, and¬†there’s¬†no where to lay him so I can perform CPR. I tried too though. I put my mouth over his and blew, but stopped when I¬†realized¬†I’d have a hard time pushing the air out. I sneakily chuckled on the inside though, hoping to get away with a kiss – but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. I know he’d be wicked pissed off if he ever found out, and I wanted to respect the boundaries between us. Emotionally I started to struggle. I have to save him. I cradle him with one arm, and with the other I push on his chest to try and bring him back, but nothing happens. He still looks and feels alive – but he’s not breathing. I now have a mask connected to the oxygen tank and strap it over his face. I’m growing desperate and wonder if I should just punch him in the stomach to see if that’ll wake him up. My hope is it’ll jolt him up so he’s coughing up the water he swallowed – but I don’t want to hurt him. I just want him to live. He never actually died that I could tell; I just couldn’t get him to wake.

Were lost in the middle of the ocean with no help in the middle of the night. The moon is reflecting on the water, but not a star in the sky. The darkness is closing in as my mind dollies out on the two of us in the middle of the ocean. It’s black.

I wake up to a screaming alarm.

Some days I hate the alarm. Other days like this – I’m thankful it woke me up.

Now to figure out what all that oceanic drama filled crap was about.

I Grieve

I was with a large group of random people… some of them church members, some of them my little sisters friends from school…. but we were all at a theme park heading towards the next ride. I ran into Peter and Adam while we were all walking. Peter momentarily says hi, so I¬†politely¬†do the same… and then he delivers then news – his son Jay is dead. He got into some kind of accident and didn’t make it. They couldn’t get his body back either… the investigation was on going. It became really hard to breathe as I started thinking about him. Then I thought of his mother. She must have taken it the worst. I wen’t into denial at that point and hoped Peter had lied, so I started randomly hoping he’d show up in my dream, but he never did.

Eventually we reach our destination. It’s one of those hanging roller coasters, but the seats themselves were a black plushy leather. I ask the guy over seeing it if I can throw my backpack on the ground with everyone elses, and he says no. It needs to be placed in a special little buggy. I toss it into the buggy but just as I did, I spin around and notice that my little¬†sister’s¬†friends I was supposed to have sat with had already lowered the bar, and it wouldn’t raise any higher. So I move over to the one in front of it. It was Adam, and he had the whole thing to himself. For once he actually wanted¬†to be nice and let me sit, but he couldn’t raise the bar either. The one in front of Adam had Peter and some random guy. Eventually I back up so it can take off. I was gonna wait for the next one, but it didn’t happen. I grieve over the loss of someone I loved, and is no more.

I wake up okay¬†strangely¬†enough… no stuffy nose from weeping, just a little short on breath.

*sigh*

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WTF Just Happened?

My family and I were somewhere doing something (great way to start this off, eh?) I think we were in downtown Dover. Something very valuable of ours gets ruined by some guy who works for Disney. We ask him to refund the price of the item or give us tickets into the theme parks to make up for his mistake since he was on the job. He says no, and we threaten to sue. The dream morphs and were at Disney theme park in Florida. We’d won the lawsuit and not only was the value of the item repayed, but we got a 10-day all expense paid vacation for myself, mom, my brothers¬†Jim¬†&¬†Jamie, and my sister¬†Cara. I think my grandmother was there with us.

The moment everyone realizes where they are they all scatter like rats and take off running. I stood still while everyone took off to analyze what was here. In front of me is a kids go-kart ride that¬†Jamie¬†and¬†Cara¬†dashed towards. I run over too to catch a go-kart too. I ran on the track and cut in front of a crowd of kids between 7 and 10 who had been waiting in line for their turn, but it didn’t matter – I couldn’t find a car. The kids all did, but not me.

I wander away from the go-karts to see what all is going on. There was a carousel, mini roller coaster, food stands, and balloons randomly tied to park benches, poles, and kids that had them tired to their wrists. I noticed a massive white tent in the back behind all of this, and figured someone important must be there or it’s a wedding. I go and take a look. As I approach the tent someone tells me I’m invited to participate at a luncheon inside the tent, so I go. Two long table rows made from other smaller folded tables that were placed together make up the seating arrangement. Chairs are placed all around and a massive white table cloth covers them. I make my way towards the right back corner and smile¬†politely¬†at the random people on the way through. A¬†voice¬†enthusiastically pops up from behind me that says “Hey, how’s it going guys? As I turn my head in wonder at the familiarity of the voice, I become dumb-struck. The president of the United States – Barack Obama is shaking hands with people inside the tent. Turns out to be some kind of grass roots luncheon, and I was invited. The President sits down with a couple of empty seats to either side of him, and I jump on the chance. I walk on over and sit right beside him.

I shake his hand, sit down, and tell him how happy I am to see him. As I’m about to engage in an actual conversation with the President some random, overweight, scruffy-looking-lumber-jack figure approaches me. I smile at him and notice something awful was in his hands… and vibrating. It ¬†was a small silver egg shaped piece of plastic that had an electrical chord at the end, but was cut. Covering the egg was a light purple silicone¬†sleeve¬†that had the consistency of ¬†jello. There were two prongs at the end, and the face of a rabbit. It was a stupid fucking BROKEN adult novelty toy that SHOULDNT be working, and yet there it is in his hands vibrating. Mr. Lumber Jack looks me dead in the eyes with a grim look like someone I know has just died, when he tells me “I was moving your stuff into the hotel when this broke.” I’m now¬†horrified¬†by this guy who’s telling me a broken purple rabbit thats squirming in his hands like an angry fat snake belongs to me. I look at the President, he’s looking at me like a bad joke told at the wrong time and he’s trying not to laugh, then I look back at the toy, and then back to the lumberjack. “But it’s broken” I squeak – spoken in more of a question in the form of a statement rather than stating the obvious. ¬†He says “I’m sorry” and tries to hand it to me. “It’s Not Mine” I proclaim yet again! “I’m sorry ma’am, but I’ve been instructed to hand this to you.” I look at the toy squirming in his hand again and wonder how germ ridden and disgusting that thing must be, and he wants to hand it to me? Yuck! “Well can’t you just throw it away for me?” “No” he states. “But it’s not mine” I whine.

Out of nowhere a woman walks up from behind him and say’s “Oh yes it is.” She’s an older woman with dyed burgundy hair. She’s wearing a black dress, and when she stops behind Mr. Lumberjack, she gives me a stern look and folds her arms in front of her with a don’t-give-me-that-shit attitude. For some reason I feel guilty and believe it’s mine. I stand up, walk to the corner two feet behind her and listen on to hear her say “I know your mom you know. How do you think she’s going to feel about this? Do you want me to get you in trouble?” Really? That’s your game bitch? You’re going to¬†convince¬†me and everyone else that this used adult novelty toy is mine by blackballing me? I don’t think so. I laugh at her and declare “You think my mom’s gonna care? Do you have any idea what she owns?” I laugh at her to reaffirm a rather disgusting lie. Gross, but it was enough to derail her from saying whatever she was about to say. I¬†effectively¬†send her packing. Mr. Lumberjack presents me with that God-awful purple broken vibrating toy, and wont let me say no any longer. I take the dam thing thats squirming wildly and he runs off in a hurry. I look at the president and guests surrounding him. They all turn their heads in unison back to the table, but he’s still having a hard time trying not to smile. I look to my right and see a massive trash bin from out of nowhere. I look to him again, who’s looking at me again and darts his head to the table, then I look back at the trash. We do this one more time before I finally throw the damn thing away. I try to burry it in the trash, but the sound it makes against loose paper and plastic can’t¬†conceal¬†what I’m trying to hide. Finally, I give one last look at the president who looks straight at me and starts wildly laughing at the nonsense that just happened, and the noise coming from the bin. I join in too from sheer embarrassment. The whole thing was just¬†ridiculous. The spectators at the table join us all in a good laugh at my expense too… but it’s okay. It’s a good laugh. I’m just glad it’s done and over with.

After that I walk home. Something about what the lumber jack said bothered me: “I was moving your stuff into the hotel when it broke.” Who was moving my stuff? Why? Ugh! I make it to the hotel and find my room. The whole thing is an¬†apartment¬†for me and my family – fully furnished. I find some guy in my home who helped with the move, but he was a total creeper. I’m pretty sure he was going through my dresser draws looking for a $20, but he says he was just putting my clothes away. I eye him¬†speculative, which prompts him to say more. Out of nowhere he says he owes the band Depeche Mode money from years ago and is trying to work off his debt. As he steps forward something about him now screams he can’t be trusted. Something about him says he’s sexually abusive, and I cringe.¬†¬†He leaves, and I decide after a moment or two to do the same.

Once I’m back at the theme park my mom approaches me with my sister and tells me to look after her. She has a costume contest she needs to go to, and I need to get her there…. so the two of us walk over to a big grey building where I noticed there was a Depeche Mode concert playing inside. I head on in and my sister¬†disappears. I somehow make it to back stage with permission when Jay stands right beside me smiling. “You working on the audio for the concert?” “Yep!” He give me a genuine no-holding-back smile. I’m glad to see he’s made it with his education and is now doing something that he enjoys. Who’s going to argue with a free concert? He wanders off and I watch the concert and the multitude of people momentarily when I remember my sister. I leave and find her outside waiting patiently for me. I ask if she’s okay and she says “yep.” We walk around the corner of the building when I notice a good 200 kids all waiting in line for the concert to end so the costume contest can begin. What bugs me is ALL THE KIDS ARE IN DISNEY COSTUME! I look at my sister and realize she was in costume this whole time too – dressed as a beautiful queen. She looked fantastic, and I was hopeful she would win, but I was still pissed that everyone had to fuel the¬†Disney¬†profit motif by buying their costumes only to participate. My mom shows up and tells me she’s taking my sister back now and I can leave.

I’m hungry and decide to head back home for some cheap grub. I walk inside and theres that same fucking creeper again, telling me the exact same story of needing money for the debt he owes to the Depeche Mode band. I’m really creeped out now, and he really gives off the¬†aura¬†of a pedophile. I say nothing that I can remember, and he leaves. I sigh a little bit and lock the door. I sit on the couch, flick on the T.V. and the first thing that’s on is the crappy celebrity gossip show – TMZ. I roll my eyes and reach for the remote when I notice a young handsome man on the t.v. singing, but something is¬†cognitively¬†not right… like he has a mild disability that you can hear in the way he sings… almost like a slur. He’s on stage singing and doing a solo guitar performance when it cuts to the next image of what he looks like today. It was him, the creeper in my home. He’s on TMZ and the report is he’s trying to become a music artist again, and failing. I look at the t.v. in shock, unsure what to make of the whole thing.

I wake up and race to my computer. A good hour and a half has passed since I woke up and finished this thing, and I STILL have no idea what to make of it. Whatever it is, it’s crazy – thats for sure.