Tag Archives: fun

Alone in a Coffee Shop

I’m surprised, geniunley shocked that I have alone time before work to write this morning. Having a car back has been bliss, and I’ve bought so many reading materials it’s gonna take a while to get through them all – from 365 ways to raise your vibration, to the artists ways creativity cards & her right to write book, poetry on the beauty of mourning, books on reiki and energy healing, a new tarot deck, connecting with the dark goddess, and more. 

My life in 1 month went from my roommates moving out and having no one, to constantly being booked with “let’s hang out” from people I love. Isobel even asked me out on a date yesterday! It’s funny cause when I first met her I though she swung both ways, then found out she was in a relationship with a guy, then find out yesterday she does swing both ways and because she’s on month 10 of no sex in her relationship, her and her man agreed to an open relationship, and she’s looking. I on the other hand had a goal this year of trying to be with a woman so I can finally have closure on my bisexuality, since I’ve always been attracted to women, have made out with them, and want to know what it’s like. It’s strange… Never would I thought I’d be contemplating someone in an open relationship because of how monogamous I am, but where neither of us are certain of what we want and where we’re going, the title gives room for a level of exploration and freedom I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I need to find a sitter, but I’m very excited! As for Josh I’m pretty hardcore into the friend zone, and I don’t know what to make of it. I do have feelings for him, but I also acknowledge that I don’t know him well enough, nor do I get to spend enough time with him to do so. An open concept towards dating where I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket may be best at this point, where it allows for freedom, exploration, and play – something I don’t think I’ve ever looked for in the past. 

Today I’m supposed to take Sarah to fort stark, but it’s raining so, who knows if that’ll happen. Yesterday I had coffee with destiny in the morning, and dinner with a different Sarah from another lifetime at Panera. Alex was over the other night, and kinda drunk. That was a really good time too. Honestly I’m just blown away by the direction life is taking me, and where I’m taking my life. In truth though I am genuinely starting to miss that deeper connection with myself that I get through alone time and reflection, which is why I’m happy to just have me this morning. Friday I have off, and the kiddo will be in school, so I may have to take advantage of that. We’ll see what happens… Side note, I’m growing a plant successfully, and it’s my favorite too! Peppermint! She’s doing so well, and I’m very proud of her growth 😂! Funny to feel that way towards a plant, but it’s true. It’s an amazing indoor plant that I may have to get more of. 


My Dearest Nightmare


Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…


It’s coming…


It’s hard to breathe…


I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)

Another Coworker Dream

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I don’t remember much of the dream… just the feeling I got at one particular time.

There is a guy I work with who, as it turns out, is into anime, video games, and has his own band. Well, the other day (in real life) we got paired up with one another to work on an adventure (yes we go one adventures), and we ended up getting to know each other a little better. As time progressed, I began to understand that he’s a really caring guy who just comes off a little strong at times, but means really well. I felt connected to him, and I respect the work he does. This connection and understanding of him is I suppose what lead to this dream…

So we’re at my house and he’s over to play cards against humanity, some PC stuff, and watch anime. We’re having fun, we’re hanging out, and eventually we start snuggling up on the couch together… even though it was just snuggling, there was a sense of intimacy there that I just don’t get in real life, but I’ve felt before. I miss that. :-/ Needless to say I kinda wanted to pounce him in my dream but I didn’t. 😛 All that truly stands out however is just the happiness of being able to rest my head on him while we watch some crappy show. ❤ That was good enough for me.

Days gone by

First real day of spring and I am so happy to have spent it outside! First I got my crew from work out the door to do a little bit of walking through some trails, then I took the other crew to the beach to enjoy the ocean…. last I took myself hiking up a mountain and past a waterfall. Yep, today was pretty awesome. Oh! All the frogs were coming out of the ponds! I saw at least 60 of them that I could count, and had about 12 of them near by. I’m sure there were more than 60 but thats the best I could do chillin out by the pond for 10 minutes. 😀

Other than that, still soul digging into who I am. I have such a hard time fighting anxiety since it seems so residual, but I’m hoping to learn otherwise.

Wealthy Choices

I was with this family in Boston in an extremely elegant home… well, more like a palace really. There was an older woman who was most likely the grandmother, then there was the mom, and 2 awesome kids that were 10 and 7. I’m walking around admiring the marble flooring, columns, elegant everything really when I come back to the table and join in on a conversation. The mother is talking to the grandmother about her dad, and I guess he’s not in hiding or something because he got a hold of the grandmother. They’re supposed to meet up and discuss on a partial basis why he ran away. The grand-kids heard it though, so they came barreling in wanting to meet him too. The mother was adamantly against it, and walked off with a final “no”; but I saw what these kids were conjuring up. They started asking lower-level personal stuff like full name and last known location, but I knew what they were up to. Once they had their fill of info from the grandmother they raced along upstairs. I go up there to see whats going on and they’re looking for his current information on google. I do this smile, shake my head, roll my eyes and turn to leave combo. I was quite proud of them actually. I go back downstairs for a few, listen silently, and then go back upstairs out of boredom. The kids found their grandfather, exchanged emails, and left the house without permission. Turns out he lived 5 to 10 minutes down the road and the kids exchanged numbers and addresses. I alert the mother & grandmother by bringing the laptop down for them to read, and take off in a separate car from the other two to look for the kids. I decided however that this was for the best and I hope the kids make it before the ladies catch up, so I decided to do something else instead – it was fine. I’m driving around waving my consequences between not having any money and not having any fun, and decide to check out a few restaurants by the marina. I was gonna see if the family I was just with would lend me money – but I know better. They’re a “too each his own” family. They expected you to start off with nothing and bust your ass off to become rich – as per the”family way,” and if you don’t make it, you’re not really family. Taking that in I said “screw it, I’m gonna have fun.” I parked at some random boat dock/bar & grill and forget the risks.

Everyone inside is loud and laughing with drinks in hand and good times roll’n. I walk up to the bar tender and ask for a menu. The fella next to me buys me a drink, then gets me into the lively conversation he’s having with his friends. I hang out for a bit and then head outside to the docks. There was a sign that mentioned renting one of these massive & elegant boats for a few hours for a God-awful price of $7,000.00. I was considering it as a fun time in exchange for 10 years of debt, but said “no way.” I go back inside, and upstairs to the top half of the bar and look out the windows at how many boats there were, and the massive moon. Then I got lucky and started hanging out with more random people, but this time they invited me on their boat! I went outside, on deck, and boarded his yacht. I had a blast! I never got drunk because I really didn’t want to drink, but I fit in and had fun – thats what mattered really.

I wake up.



I was on a well paved road in Maine against the coastline. It was a beautiful & rich suburban area on top of a mountainside. To my right were houses nestled within a thicket of woods that contrasted the bright green leaves; to the left were a few darker evergreen trees against the edge of the road, but behind that was a cliff that was barred off which overlooked the seaside. It was beautiful. The endless blue above me lifted my spirits and sent me soaring against the salty breeze that refreshed me as I went for some exercise. I’m jogging in this serene state and really wanted to sweat this sense of purification that comes from the inside out. As I progress forward, two guys are also jogging. We meet at this 3-way intersection. I was coming from the right, and they were coming from the left – nothing was on the third path except the “camera angle” momentarily. To my surprise the two guys were Jay and Peter. The moment we all saw each other we stopped for a moment to say hi. Jason was in a really good mood, and I was happy to see them both, but I wanted to keep the momentum up and start running again. Jason decided to run with me instead since Peter was close to where he needed to be, so he was good to go home. Jason and I are running together and talking about everything random under the sun; video games, movies, college, siblings – it felt like the good old days. I don’t remember all the details since I’ve been hesitant to share this dream. It took place a day or two ago.

I must confess I miss my best friend – I don’t know how else to interpret it.


Down Down To China Town


The first part of the dream I remember being at a massive Chinese restaurant. I don’t remember if I was officially working for them or not, but Moe Wong was in it. I was helping to keep the buffet tables stocked after I had a little with my dad. There were a bunch of tables and chairs, and bunches of booths for everyone. It filled up sizably well.

From there I don’t know if I was still at the restaurant and he showed up or I went to a concert, but Michael Jackson rings loudly through my head. I know he was a part of it. I know I was outside at some point at what I think is a massive park.

Last I had some EXTRAORDINARILY hot guy in my room – the kind I don’t ever dream about or talk to in real life cause I don’t look good enough. He was thin – but deliciously sculpted and somewhat bulked up from working out; Dark brown hair, amazing blue eyes, a little tan…. not someone I could ever indulge in in real life. We were playfully teasing each other in my bed, when he made a comment about getting me to talk. I responded “Talk? I’ll show you about getting someone to talk!” He laughed, and I head on over to my dresser to grab a thing of bed restraints. The point was to tease him to death so he has to open up and tell me exactly what he wants. I rummage through drawer after drawer over and over again, but I couldn’t find them. I’m now annoyed. I go back to my partner, but never made it.

I woke up.

Let’s Play Hide and Go Fuck Yourself

I’m shopping at walmart with my brother Jamie and my friend Joe Bailey. We’re in the lawn and garden area (which has now turned into the Christmas warehouse) when we decide to play  hide and seek. I come around the corner of one of the isles and Jamie manages to scare the crap out of me with a “boo;” then I hide with him waiting for Joe. Slowly I hear foot steps coming nearer and wait around the corner. My anticipation and glee is bubbling over when I know he’s just about to round the corner. I was trying so hard not to laugh at the shock that would be on his face.

First I see a black shoe, then brown looking business pants, then a white button up shirt, and then finally – Aris. Here I thought my friends was going to round the corner, and it’s my stupid ex instead! >.>’ He’s smiling at me and expecting to let him join in on our little game, but he stops smiling when he sees how pissed I am. I leave around the corner and let Joe know who’s here, to which he say’s “I know, I saw him.” He looks just as disinterested as I do by my ex showing up. Together we walk to keep me safe.

I catch up with Aris who’s now talking to my brother Jamie, when a friend of my ex shows up. He was a gorgeous looking guy, and not someone we knows in real life. Totally made up, and totally cool with me. We all walk out of the lawn and garden area into a darker smaller room. It’s my living room, and we all decide to watch T.V.. Somehow more people show up including more random males that supposedly are friends with my ex, along with another family member. A room full of men and just me watching Youtube on the couch. [My computer is hooked up to the TV instead of the monitor in case you were wondering; that how.] So we’re watching t.v. when that really cute guy keeps stealing glances of me. I in turn do the same, and feel myself blush. As this continues I notice I’m lying underneath a blanket on the couch, and my shirt is barely buttoned and my bra is missing. I try to cover myself up, but the more self conscious I become, the less clothing I seem to wear, and the less able I can actually cover myself. Finally all I’m wearing is my back button-up shirt, and it’s unbuttoned. The guy is now staring at me hardcore. He gets up off the floor and sits at the end of the couch, staring at me – wanting me. I noticed the room fell silent because the video ended on Youtube. I changed it to keep everyone distracted from me and the hottie. I guess I changed it from Depeche modes music video “mercy in you” which was what was originally playing, to adventure time. Because I got up and changed the t.v, hiding under the blanket, the guy knew I was naked and seriously wanted to pounce, but then Jake showed up from adventure time and started being loud and silly. That killed the moment and I woke up.


Fun with Fire Trucks

Just like yesterday, I couldn’t catch myself quick enough in the process of dreaming. What I do remember was being at sunnyhurst apartments and riding in the front seat of a fire truck!


Thats the first time that I can recollect of dreaming of a fire truck. It was fun! ^_^

There wasn’t any major disaster or anything… no sense of panic or fear – Just fun.

I wish I could remember what else was in it. It lingers on the edge of my mind. So close, and yet so far away.

Oh! I know my Ex was in it… ugh. I hate him >.>’ That’s about it.