Tag Archives: Healing

Allowed to be Angry

In full swing I have been pissed at Kylie, and rather than possibly projecting my inner child onto her, I’m not allowing guilt to conflict with my ability to utilize my anger as a tool for boundary setting. I made it absolutely clear that if she’s comfortable trashing the kitchen floor so everyone has to jump over the trash spewing out of the bin because it’s not Sunday night, then from now on she has no problem committing to cleaning the bathroom on certain days since she’s been exploiting and taking advantage of me for months by not lifting a finger and doing shit. 


Because Ben was in on this conversation, he at least came downstairs and threw out what was on the floor, and agreed to wipe down counter tops, sweep floors, and will bring the trash out whatever day Kylie is not doing it and needs to be done, but he’s going in for spinal tap surgery today and will be gone for a week. 

Thankfully Alex and Destiny have been helping me through this, and agree her level of immaturity is through the roof. Last I knew destiny and Kylie were still friends since we all worked at great bay, but twice in a row that destiny was at my house, Kylie ignored her. Destiny was unloading all the racism she and her boyfriend have to deal with since trump was elected, and to be treated with such disrespect was awful! She pried to pass it off as “I’m too old for this drama”, but it lingered 24 hours later. My guess is Kylie insisted on picking sides between Sarah P, and Destiny rather than allowing their conflict to be their own, and picked sides. They were still friends when Kylie and I were friends, and destiny has a conversation from a few months ago and everything was fine. I don’t get it, but that was a super shitty thing Kylie did. 

Kylie also came home yesterday morning talking about how she got into an accident and wasn’t sure if she’d need a rental to get by, but as the story unfolded for each person she told (since she insisted on talking in the kitchen instead of her bedroom), the story subtlety changed until her mom showed up. It went from a vehicle spinning off and side swiping her to rear ending her. When I finally saw her car for myself there were 3 scratches and no dents in her bumper at all, nor anything on the side. Seriously, maybe I’m just getting too old for this level of drama too, but this is just crap. >.>’ 

Alex and I got some serious girl time in last night with tacos and tequila, and we’re rotating Tuesday nights. We were talking about how awesome it is we ended up being being friends, and got a serious amount of laughs and political discussion in. I needed it.

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The Smallest Connection

To be human is to grieve, because if we grieve we are in touch with the swelling of emotions that make us so complex, the glue that permanently connects the puzzle pieces and fragments that make us human compared to the clinical diagnosis that seeks to pull us to pieces for fragmented labels of understanding. Grief is the soul, the definition of what it means to be human. You cannot be human without grief.

Oddly enough I can create fantasies in my head that cause me to grieve over and over again (which is why I suppose dramas and chick flicks are so profitable), but joining that to the real world is so much harder.

Once again I am drawn to think of him… And I know deep down in my heart that if I reconnect with that pain and grieve the loss of him – not just who he is but on some level the fantasy I made him out to be, I can draw my defenses down just a little bit more and connect with that realm of pain that promotes love and understanding. I loved him, and I still try to swallow that pain and stuff it down which is why in a rare eternity he can pop out of the blue and I’ll still talk to him rather than reject him.

I still hope to work through the conflicts that caused all this because I acknowledge I still love him to some respect, be it the real him or something imagined I conjured up in my head like the sorceress that I am. The illusioned piece of my head says “if you talk things out you can move on without him”, and the illusioned part of my heart says “if you talk things out it’ll draw you closer together, his problem is a fear of intamacy due to an unacknowledged level of emotional childhood abuse anyway”, and the the disillusioned part of my head says “you don’t need to talk to him to move on, it’s a lie. You’ve tried it before and it never works. Lay off the Oedipus complex for a while”, and the disillusioned piece of my heart says “stop trying to rescue him or salvage the past. You’re not a hero or a savior, so stop it.” So how do I grieve without becoming obsessive then… In grief we do carry people in our hearts that we live because we loved them, and it’s okay to express that… But this? There’s something very comorbid about it because it’s codependent. In truth I made him my savior to some extent, and for that I am sorry; not only is it inappropriate and too much burden to bare at a young age, but it’s obvious to me now that he was only playing out a cycle he lived at home through me, and I inadvertently perpetuated that dysfunction, which is in part the comfort he experienced being around me.

I wish I could rewind time with the knowledge that I have now and take it all back, but that’s not moving forward.

That’s where my confusion in all this lies… I don’t know what’s healthy to grieve and hold on too, versus cast out and let go of. I was too emeshed in him, and he just… I don’t know. I placed too much on him, and for that I am truly sorry. I know I’ve come to the pice of understanding when it comes to him before, but I keep revisiting it. I was blown away last October when he told me that he felt as if I understood him better than most people, as I not only believed it to be both true and false, but also dangerous. The sad thing is I feel as if I see him now clearer than I ever was able too in the past, and I think his information seeking was clarification for information I couldn’t provide at that time…. Again, I’m not his savior and it’s not my job to rescue him… Nor does he need it. Once he’s in the right place at the right time of his journey of understanding… If it every happens… He’ll do the work necessary to heal on his own. I doubt he’d want to acknowledge that anyone would have such faith in him (especially out of my mouth), but it’s true.

Truth

It would be nice if one of these days I could look back on us and rather than chronically saying sorry I could look on everything with loving eyes and say “peace be unto you.” Why the strange sentiment I don’t know, but somehow, just to acknowledge that as I have feels so right.

My 2017 Tarot Spread

I did my first ever Tarot reading today, and it was amazing! I asked what the year had in store for me based on the areas the spread provides, and after a good deal of time spent reading the meaning of the cards and interpreting them, this was what I had.

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Aries: Persona – The Moon

“Someone or something is not as it seems. There is a risk here that you are being lied too. Take another look at the situation and ask more questions.”

At first I was confused… “How does this relate to persona?” Then it hit me like a lightning bolt. With my self-esteem issues, people who are closest to me do the most amount of damage when there is a problem. The balance of power in myself is off, and I believe what this is really calling for is boundary work for 2017. Because this is the first card I read, and the last one I was able to interpret, it made a lot of sense, especially as the cards continued to unfold.

Taurus: Creature Comforts – The World

“Great success in all areas of life. Total success and contentment are available to you now.”

In this case I looked at creature comforts as another way of saying “self-care”; in other words, as long as I’m working on myself and accepting why its okay to indulge, spoil, and take care of me, this will increase my chances of success in all areas of my life.

Gemini: Social Life – Page of Pentacles

“News or information about security is coming my way.This may be winning money, a birthday gift, or a small inheritance. It may be getting a new job or getting a pay raise.”

Where I’ll be getting a vehicle soon I had planned on getting a new job, and with that it should expand my social circle, as well increase my income. In conjunction with my career card, I see it making the most amount of sense.

Cancer: Home Life – The Hanged Man

“The Hanged Man is about letting go & surrendering to experience and emotional release. Things may be in a rut or not going as you’d hoped, but accept what it is, and giving up control. The Hanged man calls you to reverse your view of the world and see something in a new way; a shifting state of mind.”

Considering everything that went down last year this is an especially powerful card that’s self-explanatory.

Leo: Creativity – The Ace of Swords

“Victory and triumph will come with hard work. Working alone will give you the satisfaction of reward for your efforts.”

Maybe this year I can perfect some of my music or artistic skills into my self-care needs.

Virgo: Health – Hierophant

I found the answer to what this card means to be pretty hilarious in a way, simply because of it’s literal meaning and… well… simplicity!

“This card shows the need to seek out professional advice from doctors, lawyers, and financial advisers. Alternatively, any ritualistic service that is performed under the eyes and jurisdiction of the Church, such as marriage, christenings, or divorce.”

In other word, so be afraid to seek out help this year with regards to any element of my health. Words of wisdom.

Libra: Love Life – Eight of Swords

“There are restrictions in your ability to get on with life freely. This could include a possessive partner, growing up with parents who have a severely strict outlook on life, or being restricted through disability, culture, pregnancy, or faith.”

The art work on the card and the way the artist also presents it in the Shadowscapes deck, she adds her own personal interpretation in conjunction with the traditional meanings that are provided. The picture is of a swan tangled in blackberry hedges. She says “It is easy to freeze up in a crisis – to feel restricted, confused, powerless, and trapped by circumstance – but there is always a way out if you take a moment to breathe and reassess.”

Surprisingly both my horoscope and this are predicting love may be on the horizon for 2017. I take this card and the Moon Card as a cautionary tale of how I may need to handle myself in such a case.

Scorpio: Transformation – Knight of Pentacles

“Determined to get ahead with ambitions in life, the Knight of Pentacles plans things strategically, knowing how to charge forward and climb the ladders of success. He’s focused and proceeds to continue his steps towards his goals.”

With my nasty habit of procrastination I may need to work on it, since success is laid out before me this year!

Sagittarius: Spiritual Life – Five of Wands

“Communication will be key as disagreements can be a source of learning and growth.”

At first I took this to mean my pagan practices as a witch and the message boards and FB groups I’m in, but then I removed the religious “literalism” (for lack of a better term) from the word Spiritual and expanded it. This goes hand in hand with my health card and a few others, and is expanding into personal growth on all levels of my soul. If it’s one thing I can’t handle it’s disagreements on things I’m passionate about, and will often just block people left and right despite how long I may have known them or their connection with me on Facebook. This is something I’ll have to work on.

Capricorn: Career – Three of Wands

“Pursue new interests or directions in your career. A new path is opening up, and going down this road will bring you good things.This includes higher education, hobbies, or new research.”

Ironic that I’m applying to finish my masters and I get this. Not sure if new direction implies directing away from Hannaford or switching it up to Social Work. I guess I’ll figure it out as I go.

Aquarius: Community – Six of Wands

“You will receive public recognition and admiration from a job well done. Friends and peers will give you support. Enjoy the satisfaction.”

Thats…  pretty incredible! My vision board in dead center has a group of people holding hands toward the sun against the ocean, and I took that to symbolize community. I also recently had a dream too where I was asked by someone at Great Bay Services “What are your long-term goals with this line of work”, and I told them “Something into politics. I wanna reform the system and give these people the help they deserve.” Again, this says social work to me. Doing those random acts of kindness for November and December really made me feel good, and was similar to volunteering to me. I also wanna do something with the SPCA. If I can’t have a cat, then I’ll find another way to take care of them XD.

Pisces: Secrets – Two of Cups & Reverse Two of Cups

Now, the artist of this deck had zero intentions of her cards being interpreted upside down, and as a result, she didn’t provide them. Using my other tarot guide that outlines standard meaning and spreads, it included it. When I had this card in my hand I also had 1 more, and I was feeling out the energies of them (face down) to determine which card should be used. I have no idea how it turned out upside down, but when I flipped it over the same way I did all the others, there it was. I personally don’t think Tarot cards should be read upside down, but the meaning was rather… ironic. The standard Two of Cups is as follows…

“This card shows the forming of an important relationship, built on common interests, friendship, and a higher understanding of adult love and companionship. This connection spans the march of time and develops within you.”

The reverse has this to say…

“This card shows that there is a petty argument that needs to be gotten over. Reconciliation needs to occur.”

There’s a part of me that see the reverse interpretation and thinks about my roommates, but by the same token those were not petty. In addition this card is often reflective of lovers. With love on the horizon for me, this may also go back to my communication/swords card.

Overall I have to say I am blown away by the results of this tarot spread. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I honestly had my doubts about it’s authenticity, but I opened myself to the experience and was amazed at what I saw and the level of authenticity that applies. I’ve been working at recording, translating, and understanding the results for about half of the day on and off, and I’m hopeful to see what the year will unfold for me. ❤

My vision board explanation will have to wait until tomorrow; I’m wiped. For now it’s pizza, relaxation, and snuggle time with the kiddo.

On Spirituality & Self

I suppose the need for control comes from the inability to forgive… If I could forgive, I wouldn’t need to have so many walls up…

What would it look like to forgive? What would it look like to forgive myself? Forgiveness and “letting go” go hand-in-hand… I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do it.


In my pro Christian days I don’t think I had it figured out then either… I mean when it felt like God had forgiven me, I was allowed to forgive myself, and in forgiveness there was a commitment to do better, die of the old ways of sin, and accept a new me… But that wasn’t really accepting me; it was flawed because I was rejecting parts of myself to be healed when healing requires taking the parts of ourselves we’ve rejected and integrating it back into ourselves. It seems like everything I had done on that journey was a journey of suppression and self-condemnation to earn the forgiveness of a meninist white-American dictator we know as a Christian “God” who presents himself as having borderline personality disorder.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt genuinely happy… It’s hard to appreciate what is good in my life, and that’s a chronic problem.


I read more of the love yourself heal your life book, and it talked about anger and what a pointless problem it is… Something happens and we get angry, then something happens and we get angry, and then something happens and we’re angry; it’s cyclical.

Ben didn’t come home last night and still hasn’t come home. I found out through Kylie he’s at Exeter hospital. He was there because of severe dehydration and malnourishment due to his CRPS, GERD, and something else… His bones were also starting to shrink because of everything, so they did surgery and put a permanent feeding tube in. It’s funny what we manifest for ourselves… Between facticious disorder and him being anorexic years ago, plus talk of a permanent pump that dispenses a slow and steady opioid-based painkiller for his nerve damage (oh, and the walking canes he now uses), it seems as if everything he’s told me he feared or use to wrestle with as a diagnosis is now manifesting all at once, and It’s baffling to watch. Additionally I find it funny that last week Kylie was all “yeah, I’m not gonna get involved in people’s medical stuff”, but yet she knew what was going on the whole time and has been – grrr. I can’t stand hypocrisy. 😡 that or she’s deliberately trying to push me away from him the same way she tried to prevent us from becoming friends… Good old times. >.>’

*sigh* I went from feeling deeply to pissed in 1 thought. Fucking hell… I do hope Ben is okay. He’s been enjoying all the attention he’s been getting online lately through all his support groups telling him what a hero he is for his struggle. I really hope this isn’t some deep manifestation of self-sabotage on his end… It’s just all so… Ironic.

In the end it’s not my journey, but I still fear for him because I care; I just try to keep my distance because I don’t think he wants me involved cause if he did, he’d just openly tell me.

I hate myself again… 😓 I went looking for a spell for forgiveness and there was nothing for self-forgiveness or anything that seemed relevant. I could create my own, but I’d have to know the emotion to tap into and the vision of what it would look like, but I don’t have that at all.

I’m lost… So very lost. On a side note I talked about how since I was a kid whenever I would pray or engage in spiritual/energy work, I yawn a ton although I’m not tired. Turns out I’m releasing a ton of higher energy all at once; grounding myself and taking in energy from other sources (such as the earth) could help with that. As irony would have it, I can open the crown chakra way too easily but have the worst time opening the root chakra. Visual techniques for chakra work never work for me.

Update: finally found a spell, and it reminds me of a Buddhist mantra. Original post can be found on justwicca.com

Forgive self spell:

As I work on myself and work on changing my life for the better, I realize how hurt I am and how fragile I am as a person and human being. I have a lot of emotion pent up inside of me. A lot of issues, a lot of darkness, a lot of anger. I wanted to write a forgiveness spell to help aid in the release of those emotions from your life.

Wiccan Forgiveness Spell

1. Cast your circle

2. Light a candle (this should be decided by you. Have a look at spell candles: colors and meanings for more information)

3. Close your eyes.

4. Chant the following : I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank You.

5. Chant the sentences, in that order – for 9 minutes.

6. Do this often.

This chant is a very ancient tradition and it helps tremendously to clear negative energies and karma. You can enhance this forgiveness spell by writing a letter of self-forgiveness and piercing a needle through the lemon with the letter attached.

A lot of of my spells lately have included lemon. Check out my new lemon love spell. I see that lemon represents; love, success and healing – all of which apply here.

Take the lemon and bury it in a place that you do have to see often. This symbolizes the release of this energy away from you – the distance and also renewal. The earth will change the lemon and the negative energies attached to them. It will wither and fade -just like your pain – and transform into something more.

This was my forgiveness spell MAINLY for self-forgiveness. This spell should be used as you see fit. You are co-creating your universe and you do have a say in how you want your life to turn out. I am working on being patient, kind and generous because those things weren’t shown to me as a child and I would like to be healthy of mind and spirit before utilizing my full mother Goddess energy.

I am working on creating a YouTube to upload pagan meditations. I have one spell enhancement video up – but cannot wait to create more for you guys!

Thank you for joining the forum! Thank you for liking and sharing this post. Hey – a powerful woman told me you were awesome! –  Thanks for being awesome!

Woot!

 

 

Who Do I Want To Be


Who do I want to be?

The truth is I thought I had it all figured out… Mapped, planned, carefully considered based on “who I am”, but I don’t know who I am anymore, and as a result, I’m uncertain of who I want to be.

I’ve lost my drive for schooling, and with so much in my life going on, I feel unqualified to pursue it, but I still intend to apply because by next year I may have a different perspective.

Who am I? Am I kind because I want people to see me as kind? Am I kind because I’m learning how to be kind?

Who am I? Am I a monster because of how I’ve blindly treated others in my ignorance? Am I blind? Am I ignorant?

Am I sensitive? Yes… This much is true. Thinking that I am somehow blind or ignorant does feel hurtful inside… it doesn’t feel like the guiding sort of pain either… It feels different.

So I am sensitive… Am I fragile? I believe I’m getting to that place. The warrior in me wants to believe that setting myself up for harm gives me the ability to overcome or conquer my weaknesses… But rushing into battles doesn’t respect all of me. Children shouldn’t fight, and the inner child in me I’m 90% certain doesn’t want that…

I labeled myself an over-eater, but I’ve mysteriously lost 25 pounds, and I’m still going… Though I’m sure the anti-anxiety med has something to do with it. With the amount of stress I’ve been under for years perhaps I was just judging myself too harshly without looking at the full story.

I look at how my dad describes me… “You were a very angry child.” Before that I was very insecure, and my grandmother was my source of protection where my mom was lacking… I was a very wounded child. I’m a very wounded adult. I can’t say I don’t want to be wounded because denying my wounds is simply running away in some way shape or form at this point… I want to learn to love myself, and my wounds… I want to feel whole. I am spiritual, and I want to feel spiritually enlightened. I’m a runner, and I want to go back to running…

I’ve done this before, this similar exercise – think of stories that highlight who you are… But shame is a barrier that prevents me from understanding forgiveness… Somehow it’s easier to forgive myself now than it has been in the past, or at least the intensity of hatred isn’t so prevalent… I don’t know… I just don’t know…

Who am I? I feel sad… Lost… I just don’t know…

The Aftermath of Samhain Ceremony


Yesterday I conducted the Samhain ceremony for myself, and wrote some very deep and profound things to be released – old beliefs that are more harmful than helpful, feelings of fear, anger, and self-harm, and levels of resentment and control I have uncovered. As it said, I wrote it down and tore it into long strips.

From there I went on a journey towards my inner child, and switched places with her from the bottom of the well. The feelings I had experienced toward Ben on a reactive attachment level came up as I was looking at my inner child, and I asked her how to let go of this…

“Appologize. Promise me you’re going to do better; promise me you won’t do this again.”

Somehow I was fearful that this was manipulative, but I knew it was not meant to be controlling. I promised myself that I would try to nurture those places she carried, and I hugged her. As the spell states, I went on a journey and opened a door. When I opened it there was blinding light, and my inner child was standing at me through the doorway, beconing me to go through. Once I did, the meditation where I had been asked to “cultivate a garden of love” came through, and what I saw was a mountainesque scenery that reminded me of Switzerland or Austria, with a small stone house and a garden. I saw myself in a dress, healthy and glowing, and my job was to care for this place. My inner child was happy, dancing, and carefree. Then around the corner was an old woman, me, my future self, and she was my wisdom. The triple moon played out as my inner child, my current self, and my future self were now aligned in this place. She took me out a tour of sorts and showed me around. She told me I was on the right path, and to embrace the inner goddess.

Blackness unfolded before me again, but this time they were memories of real life… Memories of my childhood. I saw myself looking into my pink and white vanity I use to play with as a child. Memories of redden gardens popped up. I could hear my grandmother angry in the background for cutting my hair. I looked so sad, and felt it too. I saw my old bed and the quarters under my pillow my mom had left me when I lost my tooth. I saw myself as a child back at sunnyhurst apartments looking up at the doorway alone. I saw myself after I was kidnapped living in those apartments just off of exit 8W, and I was sad and alone then too. I saw myself in Florida when I was 8 in lots altos, sad and alone. It was in this moment I hugged my inner child, and tried to tell her she wasn’t alone. It was in this moment my inner child sobbed, because the very thing I did was the very thing I craved my mother doing but could no longer receive.

This ceremony has peeled away another layer of the onion, and just like an onion, intensity towards tears is starting to unfold. All morning I’ve been dealing with difficult emotions related to reactive-attachment wounding. I did a healing love wounds meditation and it touched the very experience Im coping with now.

This hurt… This hurt so much, but in a good way. I was anywhere between 8 and 10 when I felt this way… Tense in the shoulders, swelling of the throat, furrowed brows, clenched fists, and a wrecking ball in the pit of my stomach. I just happened to be in touch with similar emotions when I decided to do this meditation. I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone in… I got angry and promised myself not to let anyone in to protect myself; I hated the world and the world hated me because at least in this way I won’t feel sad and scared when shame and disappointment arises. What new promises can I make to myself? What new messages can I put in? At this point I’m not 100% sure, but I know it needs to include embracing my inner child and asking for guidance and forgiveness. This will be the path towards success.

This is what I wrote in my meditation journal… Even now I feel this, and there’s a small snse of anxiety, but not by much… It’s anger. It’s intense, and even though I physically feel this anger, I emotionally feel a sense of despair. I know I’m on the right path, and I need to continue forward.

The moment I got my color deck, I knew I needed to draw the rainbow and pearl cards. I didn’t remember what the meaning was, and I wasn’t sure if I would trust my instinct, but I pulled them anyway. Using my energy I pulled the orange and yellow cards as well. I don’t have the booklet on me but I know the pearl is to connect with the divine, yellow is access innovate thinking, orange was to nurture myself, and rainbow was to connect with nature. Rainbow also connects me to the chakras, and I’m going back to my chakra book to reread it.  While meditating and doing spell work I noticed how tight my back was, and with all the weight I’ve been losing, I should probably start doing yoga again and running since it would help a lot. I just wish I had energy at night, but if it’s the only time I have on work days, I should make constructive use of it.

New Moon Ceremony


Last night I conducted a rebirthing spell; considering all the work I’ve done towards healing it felt appropriate to do so – acknowledge the insights I’ve gained, what’s being cast aside, and where I’m going…. At least, where I hope I’m going. 

Closing the ceremony it was a little difficult to ground my energy, but I knew my spell was a success and I’d done the right thing. The moon in Scorpio was perfect timing too. I fell asleep to a loving kindness meditation and felt a sense of peace and release. 


My kiddo got an awesome load of candy and treats this year! Bubble wand, chips, popcorn, full size snickers bar – the works! I was so proud of him too because he was able to tell me when he was all done trick – or – treating. There were a good 15 houses we passed up along the way home, and that’s okay. He was able to tell me when he was done, and other than 2 houses, we walked back home (yeah, I should have just kept going, but I wanted to make sure he got enough candy). He filled his Lego bucket 2/3’s of the way full. Silly boy wanted to go in every house and attempt to use their bathroom (showing that he remembers last year), but the answer was no. 😛 

That’s the one thing I shouldn’t take advantage of… His memory. I remember very little before the age of 6-8, as I consider this time to be the most crucial turning point in my life… He remembers though. He remembers. 

I have a doctors appointment in a little while to keep up to date with my meds; must remember to get a doctors note for work so I can keep a water bottle on me at all times. Dry mouth from my meds suck. More meditation, reading, and hard work later today. 

On Holy Ground


I remember a ceremony we use to do in the church called on holy ground, and is perhaps the basis of community healing and narritive therapy that I know. There was a blanket Miss Elizabeth would provide, and everyone would sit around the blanket, tucked into its warmth and security… Then slowly… One by one… People would come forward into the middle of the blanket to confess what’s on their heart, and ask God to be made new again. Everyone would lay their hands on them, and pray for that person based on how they believe the Holy Spirit moved them to do so. 

I miss this practice. I want a tapestry to create my own sacred space… Rather than on holy ground it’s on sacred ground, and it’s my place to connect and heal in. I just wish there were others to share that sacred experience with. 

Tonight is a new moon, and I’m being called to do a rebirthing spell to let go of someofnthis negative energy; use it to take into account the growth I’ve made/tried to make, visualize who I want to be, and give thanks to the universe. I feel a resistance and a calling for it, but I know I must press onward. 

The Context of Intimacy


I feel like a manipulative asshole!

I wasn’t trying to BE manipulative, I was just blind to what was going on… Where I have a hard time understanding intimacy apparently, I have to wonder to what degree it exists outside the realms of a romantic relationship – was I asking for too much, or is he fearful of intimacy and in so shamed me without understanding what was going on, and I internalized and adopted his perspective as truth. Everytime this emotion gets kicked up I just wanna flip someone off and lash out a hearty “fuck you” for “making” me feel this way, but in the end I know I’m just trying to deflect the emotion and suppress it. Honestly I just wanted to get to know him better and vice-versa because I thought it was a safe enough friendship to do that… I was never looking for a relationship, and he never said anything to suggest I’d done something wrong, continuing the pain and making it worse. I hate him for that… I hate him for thinking so little of me, and convincing me to see so little of myself, because if I don’t take ownership of his perspective of me then I’m in denial, but if I do then I’m a god-awful human being who was trying to prey on him when I wasn’t… I never was… Yes the boundaries were blurred but I was blind to what he wasn’t telling me…

I have to sit with this emotion, I know I do, but I’m afraid too because again, the perspective I start to carry of myself is that I’m a manipulative bitch, and that damages what little self-esteem I have and makes me even more susceptible to the fragility that could destroy me… Damaging my low self-esteem I don’t believe is the answer, but feeling fragile? Probably. I’m just afraid I’m going to break even more by having such a hateful image of who I am… I know damn well I need to sit with this, I know I do… I just hate myself for feeling this broken. It’s my job to fix this, and I am lost in the moment that I’m unsure how to be enter with myself.

This is what I need to feel I suppose if I’m to break the addiction cycle… I just wish I was better at doing this… At least this book is getting through to me I guess… Half way through facing love addiction and I know I’m gonna need to read it again a devise a way to heal myself.

Anger, panic, loss, trying to regain control when I need to feel this, and I fear I’m in denial but I don’t believe I am… The perfectionist in me wants me to take on more than I can chew, even if it’s not real or not there just to I can work with the emotion, crack harder, fall further, keep hitting rock bottom until I am somehow whole or enlightened and can finally accept everything – no more blind spots or corners veiled in black that I didn’t know existed…

At this point I’m going to have to retreat and meditate for a while to calm down; I shouldn’t be facing this emotion at this time; my roommates are home and I have a kiddo to raise.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck….

I Love You, and I am Listening


Place one hand over your heart, and the other over your stomach. Breathe deeply for just a minute, and say to yourself

“I love you, and I am listening”.

What was the impact?

I was doing a guided meditation and was promoted to do this, noticing my internal reactions… It was strange to me. A deep chasm opened up inside of me… Something was contained therein, almost like a crater that sunk deeper each time I said it, and was filled with some mysterious dark liquid or heavy gas that I was unable to identify. It resonated with me somehow in order to have had the impact it did, but I don’t understand what I was feeling. It wasn’t uplifting… It was dark, kinda sad, and heavy, but still, it resonated.

Attempting to look deeper I realized that this chasm inside of me is ultimately space… A space that needs to be filled. This space is making room for something, and I won’t know what it is unless I keep going. 

I wonder though… In my last mental health post, I explored my relationship with my need for control and how that creates safety… But this chasm…  Which I can only assume is meant to be filled with self-love… Is that the counter-balance for control? Is the cure for control this chasm?

I truly don’t know, just speculation on my part. I was working out of Louise L Hays workbook for love yourself, heal your life, and the very first subject it has you address is the concept of “deserving” and the illusion it sort of presents… It challenged me to think of what I believe I’m undeserving of and the falsehood contained therein… I wrote love. I feel I am undeserving of love inherently and wholly. This prompted me to my tattoo on my left forearm… It says 

“The fact that I exist means that I am worth loving.” 

It strips away the concept of deserving, but I always related it to a concept of otherness, not myself. Other people should love me because I exist, pure and simple – not that people HAVE too, but if I’m gonna let you into my life and have such a deep impact, then love should be there… I deserve to feel loved, but never really applied it to myself. I deserve to love myself because I exist. It feels so foreign on some level…

Again, I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on the right track.