Tag Archives: hopelessness

A Job for Life

I’m at my former place of employment – Yangtze, and I’m begging for a job from Moe. I feel incredibly small… almost half his height; in real life however he’s only about 2 or 3 inches taller than me. He seems somewhat kinder and fatter than he use to be, but I don’t question it. He listens attentively to me and responds both kindly and favorably; then just as he was about to give me the okay to start working, the entire Yangtze crew of waitresses interjects between me and the boss. The odd thing is I don’t know any of them, but they all “know” me. The first girl is heavy set, snooty, and has dirty blonde hair; you can tell she smokes and drinks heavily from the condition of her skin and teeth. Anyway, she pipes in to speak against me and tells Moe I shouldn’t be hired back because they all had too many problems with me. Calmly and rationally, I confronted her and told her to tell me the problems she had with me, stating “I can’t take ownership or responsibility for my actions until you tell me what I did wrong.” She was dumb struck but trying to keep her composure, so I said “go ahead, tell me what I did wrong, and then I can tell you what you did wrong.” I heard this kind of “Oooo” in the background and “psh” off to the side. Obviously I was pissed. Here I am begging for a job because my life and my sons life is on the line, and then this bitch who doesn’t even know me decides to step in and dictate my life? Who the hell does she think she is!?! Never the less they all disperse and I kind of wander around the restaurant waiting for a response from Moe. Then another waitress steps forward and decides to “inform “me whats “wrong” with me, without actually telling me whats wrong. She was my height, black hair, African American, medium thickness with her weight; actually she was very pretty. She told me I should just leave because I’m gonna screw everyone over. I told her “I dont even know you!!! Who are you to say anything?”, but she just kept telling me I suck, I’m gonna screw everyone over, I should leave, etc… She finally leaves and I walk back over to Moe. He WAS going to give me the job, but now because of the waitresses, and my less than flattering performance on saying I was gonna tell the other waitress whats wrong with her, he decides he doesn’t want to anymore. I break-down in a hard, heavy, and painful cry, trying to keep it as quiet as possible which made the intensity worse. The only thing that ran through me was the feeling that dictation between life and death was made for me and my son; we had no hope. Moe saw me sobbing and he visibly felt bad, but had made up his mind. The dream ends.



A Mothers Scheme

Upon waking from my afternoon nap to the annoyance of my phone going off, I realized I had been dreaming… and I didn’t like it. LaSandra hasn’t gotten a hold of me today, and I’m assuming she’s mad at me for not waking her up by calling her like I agreed to at 9:30am yesterday. During that time the bus I was on was at Walmart and there was a mechanical issue with the door. I apologized to her and feel like crap, and she said it was okay, but I can’t help but wonder if she really meant that things were cool between us or she was just saying it.

The dream I had stemmed off this event, and I had a dream that LaSandra was mad at me. She was emotional and whiny  but I dont remember her actually flipping out. The reason for the fight I do not know, but my mother was there. >.>’ After we were done squabbling she gets up off the couch, walks over to my mother, and with both of them standing over me on the floor my mother starts whispering about me. What she said I do not know, but my fear was that it was something awful and I shouldn’t be trusted because I’m a bitch and nothing more than trash, combined with stupid remarks about what an awful daughter I was when I was a preteen. I couldn’t tell her to shut up because in real life she’s done this crap to me before, and when I tell her to stop in real life she lies and says “I wasn’t talking about you.” Because of this knowledge I sat there in the floor feeling like some kinda 10 year old who’s totally helpless, watching mom slander me to my friend who was definitely not going to be my friend by the time they were done.

There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and even scared. 😦