Tag Archives: Lonely

Stressed & Fearful

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I remember dreaming about Facebook. I was afraid Lydia LaJewel was on my other, more offensive Facebook was in my friends list. I was afraid and stressed she was seeing all the inappropriate jokes I post and telling everyone about it at the church. I began to panic a little and finally the dream faded off.

Then I dreamt I was in church, persevering on “revival” and how it hadn’t come, and how annoyed I was that this was the message being preached when I left 6 years ago, and when I come back, its still being preached which means it was unfulfilled. I know I was also beginning to worry about those damn surveys I had to do for college from the church.

Then I dreamt about how my bills… I had a money order for $100 to pay one of my bills, but I frantically ran around looking for the envelope so I know which bill I should pay since I had 3 of them to worry about. I couldn’t pay my phone since they dont take money orders, the electric was $300, and my rent is $902. I had no other bills to pay…. it felt like money going to waste since nothing was actually being paid off.

Towards the end I desperately scrambled internally for who I could possibly talk to that I trust. I wish I had someone to talk to… a real friend… and then his name ended up spilling from my lips; it was a moment of pure horror for me. I don’t understand since we haven’t been friends in years and he hates me… but he was the only one who came up in a moment of desperation when I was screaming from the inside out. ūüė¶

I am beyond stressed, it’s consumed my dreams, and I have no one to talk too. I’m in a church where I no longer belong, I’m surrounded by people who I either can’t trust or feel guilty if I unload on them, and its moments like this when my abandonment issues come stumbling through the double doors tripping on their own two feet, wishing I had a boyfriend to unload on and fuck only to forget my problems and create the illusions of love.

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Teachers of Revenge

I’m going to school, and the school itself has changed. It’s a fusion of my college and my son’s elementary school. Sy has daycare at “our” school now, and its a woman who looks almost the same as his primary teacher, along with a few teachers aids. After I’ve dropped him off in the classroom I turn around after shutting the door and see a loud mouth gossiper who’s my “friend” in this dream. She’s a short older grey haired woman in a darker grey sweater and black jeans. I say hi real quick and walk off to class, but forget where the class is located (I think) and wander back. There’s a door open, and the gossiping woman and my son’s teacher are talking in a closet and the “friend” starts to lie to her, saying how I’ve been telling people that I’ve been working hard in the classroom with my son; So in an effort to “help,” she tells my son’s teacher that I should have a job in the classroom, and possibly take her job. I stop her nonsense talk right then and there in a state of panic and fury, and¬†interrupt them to¬†clarify I never said any of this. All I said was that I volunteered in the classroom once, but wasn’t very helpful at all. As I said this, I looked at the teacher first, and placed my hand on her shoulder to try and validate my point. She was in the classroom, so she would know; then I look at my “friend” and glare at her. She’s embarrassed as fuck, and the teacher is pissed. The teacher stormed out of the closet leaving me upset and worried.

Later I’m in another classroom and I’m forced to stop what I’m doing. I’m bound and gagged by a bunch of women. They¬†held me down, straw in my mouth, and¬†forced me to over dose on cough medicine to try and kill me. It doesn’t work as planed. I pass out, but still breathing, so they send me to a torture room to have me killed in maple¬†syrup¬† I’m lying on this metal grid with large circles in it, and it starts to raise.¬†Syrup¬†floods the room and starts to boil. I feel uncomfortable and roll over – a little to close to the edge to the point of falling in. Just then I’m rescued by a bunch of other teachers who actually work with the police, figured out “Leanne” – the teacher¬†did it, and am healed back to normal. I give a statement and ask for a follow up report, but it turns out they’re not going to bring her to justice. I was pissed! In the end the police dropped me off outside the school, which is now located somewhere random in the middle of Dover. I realize all that drama made me miss 24 hours of class, but whats worse – where has my son been for the past 24 hours? I freak out and run around looking for him, but to no avail. I walk back to the school to try and find him there but I cant find the school now. ¬†I look for a cop to help me but none of them are out driving.

I’m ready to cry. I miss my son.

I wake up