Tag Archives: lust

Soul Baring

Why does falling for someone have this weird obsessive intensity to it? For the past couple of days I find myself wanting to lie in bed and think of him… Endless sarcasm, deeper connections, too many positions and bedroom games that I’ve rehearsed before I’ve ever laid a finger on him. 

Thankfully he likes me too – winking at me, starting me down, showing up in my line and joking away, creating a list of adventures for us to take next month, calling me out cause he wants to be touched too, and so on. Short of flat out saying it he’s told me in every other way possible, which is humorous considering he’s all “tell it to me straight because I hate having to dissect information and figure it out”. He’s a georgeous and complicated piece of work whose vibrational energy seems ignite and awaken something so much healthier than what I’ve ever known. The closer I long to be the more awareness I have towards so little I know of him, but from what I’ve been able to dissect there’s just a healthy enough of a balance to maintain individuality and joining while still learning and growing. I can tell I’m nearing the dirty 30 prime because I physically have a hard time containing how primal my lust seems to be at present, and the cliche of what feels like a burning fire within suddenly is no longer cliche, and the potency of teenage longing feels like child play, making it difficult to maintain eye contact with him at times, which I know he perceives as a reflect of low self-esteem to some extent, but boy I’ve never felt so nervous about the feelings and sensations I have within me. 

In truth, although I asked my tarot cards what the future holds between us, and I was shocked to see the lovers right there in plain sight I still held disbelief that he’d ever look my way… It’s just so strange, and the unfolding of us seems so agonizingly slow at this point, perhaps to teach me a lesson about myself as destiny writes itself on the pages of fate. For now and for the next couple of days, I need to resolve to return to self – It’s the only way I’m going to be able to maintain myself and contain the illusion of strength while descending into someing much darker and richer emotionally than I ever thought could exist. 

If only my understanding of the realms of love and emotion for men didn’t seem like such a mystery, maybe then I’d have a better idea of what I’m doing rather than chasing the safest energy path in blind trust. Visions and beliefs begin to manifest that perhaps the pain and bullshit I’ve experienced will contextually make sense when faced with the reality of you – the resonance of what seems and feels like a twin flame becoming a reality. I’m not seeking to be completed, because I see what makes me whole quite clearly now… But… It’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. Im at a loss, but comfortable in the darkness right now… The realm of intellectual unknowing because emotionally, I feel comfort cause somehow I know where this is where I need to be; a trust in the process without knowing what the process is. 

Dear Josh, I can only hope on some level you feel how raw, carnal, and primal this energy is… You told me you chose a path of celibacy because you’re waiting for “the one”. Romantic in its own right, and self-protection on another, all I heard was that I’d need to work twice as hard for anything to happen between us. Luckily, I’m a hard worker, but damn… I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. ❤️


Another Coworker Dream

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I don’t remember much of the dream… just the feeling I got at one particular time.

There is a guy I work with who, as it turns out, is into anime, video games, and has his own band. Well, the other day (in real life) we got paired up with one another to work on an adventure (yes we go one adventures), and we ended up getting to know each other a little better. As time progressed, I began to understand that he’s a really caring guy who just comes off a little strong at times, but means really well. I felt connected to him, and I respect the work he does. This connection and understanding of him is I suppose what lead to this dream…

So we’re at my house and he’s over to play cards against humanity, some PC stuff, and watch anime. We’re having fun, we’re hanging out, and eventually we start snuggling up on the couch together… even though it was just snuggling, there was a sense of intimacy there that I just don’t get in real life, but I’ve felt before. I miss that. :-/ Needless to say I kinda wanted to pounce him in my dream but I didn’t. 😛 All that truly stands out however is just the happiness of being able to rest my head on him while we watch some crappy show. ❤ That was good enough for me.

A Boy Named Felix

I fell in love with a boy named Felix; he’s not quite a man, but a boy who’s 20. He was shy, sensitive, quiet, and cute – but after a while he’s quite funny too. I was in “my” home that was somewhat different, and a few of my family and their friends I’d never met were watching tv or cooking. I didn’t really care for what was going on, so I went into the room where Felix was hanging out and started bonding. We talk about video games and other things of interest and commonality. After a while he came forward and said he liked me, but long distance relationships aren’t his thing. I guess he was really a farm boy in the mid-west. I slight pang of disappointment went through me, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t still be friends, or I couldn’t enjoy my time here with him. I step out of the bedroom real quick to check on my guests, and low and behold, the ex is sitting on my couch between my dad and my brother – Aris. As soon as he saw me he stood up, smiled, and walked over towards me as through he were happy to see me. I feel guilty rather than angry – guilty because I was falling for someone else just a moment ago. Then I feel defensive because I don’t want him meeting Felix, so I need to get rid of Aris. I guess my mothers politeness ruled out over everything despite hating Aris, so she asked him “eggs and potatoes for dinner okay?” “Sure” he replies. I panic because mom is using my food, I only had 1 potato left, and he cant have it. I go into the kitchen and say “No, that potato is mine, I just bought it, and he can’t have it. Here – ” checking on top of the fridge to find something potato like, I hand it to Aris who was standing behind me, and walk away back to Felix. Aris is kind of staring there dumb-founded at me and making me feel like an errant child, but quite frankly he shouldn’t have even been there. I hate him.

I’m back beside Felix who’s playing something on the computer when some old-timer shows up sitting against the wall opposite to us; It was Felix’s grandfather. I forget what was said, but I know Felix joined us and the grandfather put some kinda music his computer. Felix is standing in front of me and I try to get closer to see whats on the computer, but Felix thought I was trying to snuggle with him. It got kinda awkward trying to figure out how he should respond to me, but finally he spins around, grabs me by the waist, and does this hugging/slow-dance thing. Being so close against him and inhaling his scent threw me into a spell of lust and security. I loved it. Eventually he took control of the situation and started whisking me around the room spinning and dancing. I was embarrassed, shy, and loving every moment. I turn to look at the grandfather, and am grateful he’s asleep. I look back up at Felix, and he’s subtly changed some how. He’s seems stronger, confident, and a tad bit taller perhaps. All of a sudden he wasn’t some shy boy, but a man in that moment. I hug him against me again and a sudden thrill and lust yet again rushes through me. I pull back and the song ends. He’s now back to the shy boy. We felt awkward in the moment, but I was still attracted. Felix goes back to his computer, and I go back to watching him. I figured that even though he may not be interested in a long-term relationship, perhaps we can stay connected. “Do you have a Facebook I can add you too?” “No.” “Do you have an email address?.” “No.” “Do you have a phone number???” “No.” I felt hurt and confused now. Why is he doing this? Everything voids to black and I wake.

For the record: Yes, he looked very close to Pewdiepie – AKA: Felix.


Forlorn Lover

How long must I still be chained, tied down, and buried by the memories of you. My thoughts of you are soul consuming, and my gaze is hazy from your spell; I see, but never clearly. My strength has been weakened by your lingering blows, and I lack the ability to stand outside myself. I fear my life without you, so I cling to what does not exist. My dreams recollect the fantasia that pulled at the symphony of my soul – without you, my songs turn to silence like a bird trapped in a cage. I need your light, your whisper, your prayer. Your name is a litany that is just barely audible. The heavens have forbidden me from testifying of you, the demon that I am – the angel that you are.