Tag Archives: meaning

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 

Dream Analysis Part 1: Role Playing Adventurer

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I finally decided to go the extra mile and put meaning to my unconscious mind. This is only part one. I found that the more I worked through this, the deeper it got, and the LONGER it got. I’m breaking it down into two parts because of this. The second part is the actual analysis. These are only the definitions I used. The book I used is Dream Dictionary by Tony Crisp, and I supplemented with a dream website. Here we go:

https://autumnusetmatutinus.wordpress.com/2012/11/25/role-playing-adventurer/

Little Sister: (In general, all siblings and children are used in our dreams as a general depiction of different aspects of ourselves.)

Feeling of self or lesser part of self; rival; feelings of kinship. Ones experiences at that age; vulnerability.

Little Brother:

Oneself, or the denied part of self, meeting whatever is met in the dream; kinship; sense of rivalry; anger or pleasure from memories. Outgoing but vulnerable self.

Monster:

Originally I had walrus written down, but either their was no definition or the one provided made no sense what so ever. In my dream the walrus is actually a hoarker in Skyrim – a walrus type monster – hence at the bottom of the dream there is a picture of it. So instead of walrus (which was the lay term for the less nerdy crowd) ; the definition of what came after me in the dream is now a monster.

Monsters are our internal emotions or drives you are frightened of; dread of death; a monstrous deed done or lie lived; your negative relationship with your life energy.

House go back to this: (Attackers/Intruders from outside)

Social pressures or responses to criticisms.

Old beliefs and attitudes are represented by old houses. To dream of a new house represents a new era of your life.

If you dream that someone broke into your house, you have a sense of being violated. Your personal boundaries has been crossed by someone. 

To dream of a house also indicates that your subconscious is reminding you of something long forgotten, such as good traits you are no longer using.

Kitchen:

Creativity; nourishing oneself; mother role, diet. May also refer to pride in the ability to create a home and contribute something valuable to the family.

To dream of seeing a kitchen represents a need to nurture your spiritual life.

Living Room:

Personal leisure, “space” to be oneself; everyday life

To dream that you are in the living room indicates how you are as a person and how others perceive the way you live. It is suggestive of your principles and beliefs.

Shrinking Walrus:

Becoming less threatening or interesting or pay less important part in ones life; are seen as connected with the unconscious, aspects  of which often are seen as of “little” significance, yet are  full of the sort of power that motivates or undermines our resolve

Archetype-Hero:

Fundamental to the whole drama of the hero/ine is the evolution of our identity from the depths of unconsciousness in the physical process of conception, through the developing of self-awareness as an adult. From the ocean of our collective culture, language, and society, there is the gradual emergence of ourself as a mature individual. Th do this we go through transitions of death and rebirth several times from baby to youth, youth to teen, teen to adult, and adult to elderly. It’s such an incredible story – so heroic, fraught with dangers and triumphs. Its the greatest story in the world, and you’re the hero.

Winter:

Winter represents emotional coldness; a quiescence awaiting an appropriate period for growth; the end of a cycle of action and fruitfulness; absence of relationship; an unfruitful period of life; old age; death.

Ice/Iceberg:

Ice or something frozen can represent: Rigidity, stubbornness, or unchangeability Brittleness or fragility Cold-heartedness or unwelcoming Dormancy, a rest period, or being “on hold” A wintry, icy landscape can represent a feeling of temporary lack of progress, hopelessness, or bleakness with respect to a certain aspect of your life.

*Considering with the fact this was an Ice wall, the conjunction would be

Wall:

Codes of behavior, beleif systems, attitudes – often unconcsious – you live within, or are protected by; the boundaries of behavior, or thoughts you keep within, are fearful of extending beyond, or are trapped by- thereby, what one feels to be barriers or restrictions; ones feelings of confidence that protect against anxiety or social “knocks”; fears that keep you limited in your activities; the feelings or attitudes you keep people away with – the walls we put up between us to maintain privacy, stop being hurt, or to maintain a role or status; a special feeling sittuation that you have created, such as developing a sense of your own value; the “reality” you have accepted as the truth, either given you ready-made by your culture or one you have built personally. The reality is like the walls you live with.

Up/Climb:

Looking through dreams in which the words “up”, “upwards”, “upper”, “upstairs” are used, again and again one sees the same feeling as expressed in the example below- getting away from being “pulled down” by difficult feelings, by depression, by everyday duties, by difficulties in a relationships, and so on. It expresses the techniques we use when worried, such as reading a book, being entertained, having a drink – anything to take away the attention of our difficult feelings. This does not remove the anxieties. It would be longer lasting if we faced them and transformed them; moving upwards, of course, also depicts positive change; shifting toward mental activity; gaining a wider view of things; promotion.

Wolf:

Although the wolf can depict a feeling that “things” are out to get us, the wolf is often just fear. Fear is one of our instinctive reactions to situations  so is depicted by an animal. We may find ourselves a prisoner of such feelings. The wolf, as suggested by fairy stories like red riding hood, also represents the female fear of powerful male sexuality; represents sexuality or anger; emotions and drives you’re frightened of.

After reading this I remember the prequel to the wolves was being afraid to jump off that cliff because of my fear of heights. The three wolves came and I had no choice because I had to fight or be killed.

White:

Awareness; clearness of mind; purity; cleanness; light feelings. In certain dreams white is a very threatening color because of the possible connection of hospitals. Can also depict death or sickness.

Weapon-Sword:

The desire to hurt or kill; If stabbing, shooting, or killing something need to consider what part of ourselves we are turning aggression upon.

Because a sword bears a cross as a handle, it has mixed meanings. Erection; conflict or a fight; doing battle with someone; anger; social power; justice; transcend strength.

Treasure: 

Treasures are the riches of your wholeness – the wonder, wisdom, or value of life; something we have had to face difficulties to gain, such as personal achievement, mature love, self-realization, wholeness; something that is enormously valuable in bringing wholeness and health to oneself – such as a balancing of dry intellectual achievement with deeply felt love, or an introverted personality with outward activity.

Shoes:

The image or impression you present to others as you make forays into the world, work with others, and accomplish things in the world around you. Your visibility to others as you go about your business in the world.

Attacked by Animal: Introverting ones own aggression, fear of ones own natural urges; anxiety about aggression in oneself or other people; feeling attacked by an external person.