I suppose the need for control comes from the inability to forgive… If I could forgive, I wouldn’t need to have so many walls up…
What would it look like to forgive? What would it look like to forgive myself? Forgiveness and “letting go” go hand-in-hand… I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do it.
In my pro Christian days I don’t think I had it figured out then either… I mean when it felt like God had forgiven me, I was allowed to forgive myself, and in forgiveness there was a commitment to do better, die of the old ways of sin, and accept a new me… But that wasn’t really accepting me; it was flawed because I was rejecting parts of myself to be healed when healing requires taking the parts of ourselves we’ve rejected and integrating it back into ourselves. It seems like everything I had done on that journey was a journey of suppression and self-condemnation to earn the forgiveness of a meninist white-American dictator we know as a Christian “God” who presents himself as having borderline personality disorder.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt genuinely happy… It’s hard to appreciate what is good in my life, and that’s a chronic problem.
I read more of the love yourself heal your life book, and it talked about anger and what a pointless problem it is… Something happens and we get angry, then something happens and we get angry, and then something happens and we’re angry; it’s cyclical.
Ben didn’t come home last night and still hasn’t come home. I found out through Kylie he’s at Exeter hospital. He was there because of severe dehydration and malnourishment due to his CRPS, GERD, and something else… His bones were also starting to shrink because of everything, so they did surgery and put a permanent feeding tube in. It’s funny what we manifest for ourselves… Between facticious disorder and him being anorexic years ago, plus talk of a permanent pump that dispenses a slow and steady opioid-based painkiller for his nerve damage (oh, and the walking canes he now uses), it seems as if everything he’s told me he feared or use to wrestle with as a diagnosis is now manifesting all at once, and It’s baffling to watch. Additionally I find it funny that last week Kylie was all “yeah, I’m not gonna get involved in people’s medical stuff”, but yet she knew what was going on the whole time and has been – grrr. I can’t stand hypocrisy. 😡 that or she’s deliberately trying to push me away from him the same way she tried to prevent us from becoming friends… Good old times. >.>’
*sigh* I went from feeling deeply to pissed in 1 thought. Fucking hell… I do hope Ben is okay. He’s been enjoying all the attention he’s been getting online lately through all his support groups telling him what a hero he is for his struggle. I really hope this isn’t some deep manifestation of self-sabotage on his end… It’s just all so… Ironic.
In the end it’s not my journey, but I still fear for him because I care; I just try to keep my distance because I don’t think he wants me involved cause if he did, he’d just openly tell me.
I hate myself again… 😓 I went looking for a spell for forgiveness and there was nothing for self-forgiveness or anything that seemed relevant. I could create my own, but I’d have to know the emotion to tap into and the vision of what it would look like, but I don’t have that at all.
I’m lost… So very lost. On a side note I talked about how since I was a kid whenever I would pray or engage in spiritual/energy work, I yawn a ton although I’m not tired. Turns out I’m releasing a ton of higher energy all at once; grounding myself and taking in energy from other sources (such as the earth) could help with that. As irony would have it, I can open the crown chakra way too easily but have the worst time opening the root chakra. Visual techniques for chakra work never work for me.
Update: finally found a spell, and it reminds me of a Buddhist mantra. Original post can be found on justwicca.com
Forgive self spell:
As I work on myself and work on changing my life for the better, I realize how hurt I am and how fragile I am as a person and human being. I have a lot of emotion pent up inside of me. A lot of issues, a lot of darkness, a lot of anger. I wanted to write a forgiveness spell to help aid in the release of those emotions from your life.
Wiccan Forgiveness Spell
1. Cast your circle
2. Light a candle (this should be decided by you. Have a look at spell candles: colors and meanings for more information)
3. Close your eyes.
4. Chant the following : I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank You.
5. Chant the sentences, in that order – for 9 minutes.
6. Do this often.
This chant is a very ancient tradition and it helps tremendously to clear negative energies and karma. You can enhance this forgiveness spell by writing a letter of self-forgiveness and piercing a needle through the lemon with the letter attached.
A lot of of my spells lately have included lemon. Check out my new lemon love spell. I see that lemon represents; love, success and healing – all of which apply here.
Take the lemon and bury it in a place that you do have to see often. This symbolizes the release of this energy away from you – the distance and also renewal. The earth will change the lemon and the negative energies attached to them. It will wither and fade -just like your pain – and transform into something more.
This was my forgiveness spell MAINLY for self-forgiveness. This spell should be used as you see fit. You are co-creating your universe and you do have a say in how you want your life to turn out. I am working on being patient, kind and generous because those things weren’t shown to me as a child and I would like to be healthy of mind and spirit before utilizing my full mother Goddess energy.
I am working on creating a YouTube to upload pagan meditations. I have one spell enhancement video up – but cannot wait to create more for you guys!
Thank you for joining the forum! Thank you for liking and sharing this post. Hey – a powerful woman told me you were awesome! – Thanks for being awesome!