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My Dearest Nightmare


Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…


It’s coming…


It’s hard to breathe…


I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)


Wealthy Choices

I was with this family in Boston in an extremely elegant home… well, more like a palace really. There was an older woman who was most likely the grandmother, then there was the mom, and 2 awesome kids that were 10 and 7. I’m walking around admiring the marble flooring, columns, elegant everything really when I come back to the table and join in on a conversation. The mother is talking to the grandmother about her dad, and I guess he’s not in hiding or something because he got a hold of the grandmother. They’re supposed to meet up and discuss on a partial basis why he ran away. The grand-kids heard it though, so they came barreling in wanting to meet him too. The mother was adamantly against it, and walked off with a final “no”; but I saw what these kids were conjuring up. They started asking lower-level personal stuff like full name and last known location, but I knew what they were up to. Once they had their fill of info from the grandmother they raced along upstairs. I go up there to see whats going on and they’re looking for his current information on google. I do this smile, shake my head, roll my eyes and turn to leave combo. I was quite proud of them actually. I go back downstairs for a few, listen silently, and then go back upstairs out of boredom. The kids found their grandfather, exchanged emails, and left the house without permission. Turns out he lived 5 to 10 minutes down the road and the kids exchanged numbers and addresses. I alert the mother & grandmother by bringing the laptop down for them to read, and take off in a separate car from the other two to look for the kids. I decided however that this was for the best and I hope the kids make it before the ladies catch up, so I decided to do something else instead – it was fine. I’m driving around waving my consequences between not having any money and not having any fun, and decide to check out a few restaurants by the marina. I was gonna see if the family I was just with would lend me money – but I know better. They’re a “too each his own” family. They expected you to start off with nothing and bust your ass off to become rich – as per the”family way,” and if you don’t make it, you’re not really family. Taking that in I said “screw it, I’m gonna have fun.” I parked at some random boat dock/bar & grill and forget the risks.

Everyone inside is loud and laughing with drinks in hand and good times roll’n. I walk up to the bar tender and ask for a menu. The fella next to me buys me a drink, then gets me into the lively conversation he’s having with his friends. I hang out for a bit and then head outside to the docks. There was a sign that mentioned renting one of these massive & elegant boats for a few hours for a God-awful price of $7,000.00. I was considering it as a fun time in exchange for 10 years of debt, but said “no way.” I go back inside, and upstairs to the top half of the bar and look out the windows at how many boats there were, and the massive moon. Then I got lucky and started hanging out with more random people, but this time they invited me on their boat! I went outside, on deck, and boarded his yacht. I had a blast! I never got drunk because I really didn’t want to drink, but I fit in and had fun – thats what mattered really.

I wake up.


Down Down To China Town


The first part of the dream I remember being at a massive Chinese restaurant. I don’t remember if I was officially working for them or not, but Moe Wong was in it. I was helping to keep the buffet tables stocked after I had a little with my dad. There were a bunch of tables and chairs, and bunches of booths for everyone. It filled up sizably well.

From there I don’t know if I was still at the restaurant and he showed up or I went to a concert, but Michael Jackson rings loudly through my head. I know he was a part of it. I know I was outside at some point at what I think is a massive park.

Last I had some EXTRAORDINARILY hot guy in my room – the kind I don’t ever dream about or talk to in real life cause I don’t look good enough. He was thin – but deliciously sculpted and somewhat bulked up from working out; Dark brown hair, amazing blue eyes, a little tan…. not someone I could ever indulge in in real life. We were playfully teasing each other in my bed, when he made a comment about getting me to talk. I responded “Talk? I’ll show you about getting someone to talk!” He laughed, and I head on over to my dresser to grab a thing of bed restraints. The point was to tease him to death so he has to open up and tell me exactly what he wants. I rummage through drawer after drawer over and over again, but I couldn’t find them. I’m now annoyed. I go back to my partner, but never made it.

I woke up.

Teachers of Revenge

I’m going to school, and the school itself has changed. It’s a fusion of my college and my son’s elementary school. Sy has daycare at “our” school now, and its a woman who looks almost the same as his primary teacher, along with a few teachers aids. After I’ve dropped him off in the classroom I turn around after shutting the door and see a loud mouth gossiper who’s my “friend” in this dream. She’s a short older grey haired woman in a darker grey sweater and black jeans. I say hi real quick and walk off to class, but forget where the class is located (I think) and wander back. There’s a door open, and the gossiping woman and my son’s teacher are talking in a closet and the “friend” starts to lie to her, saying how I’ve been telling people that I’ve been working hard in the classroom with my son; So in an effort to “help,” she tells my son’s teacher that I should have a job in the classroom, and possibly take her job. I stop her nonsense talk right then and there in a state of panic and fury, and interrupt them to clarify I never said any of this. All I said was that I volunteered in the classroom once, but wasn’t very helpful at all. As I said this, I looked at the teacher first, and placed my hand on her shoulder to try and validate my point. She was in the classroom, so she would know; then I look at my “friend” and glare at her. She’s embarrassed as fuck, and the teacher is pissed. The teacher stormed out of the closet leaving me upset and worried.

Later I’m in another classroom and I’m forced to stop what I’m doing. I’m bound and gagged by a bunch of women. They held me down, straw in my mouth, and forced me to over dose on cough medicine to try and kill me. It doesn’t work as planed. I pass out, but still breathing, so they send me to a torture room to have me killed in maple syrup  I’m lying on this metal grid with large circles in it, and it starts to raise. Syrup floods the room and starts to boil. I feel uncomfortable and roll over – a little to close to the edge to the point of falling in. Just then I’m rescued by a bunch of other teachers who actually work with the police, figured out “Leanne” – the teacher did it, and am healed back to normal. I give a statement and ask for a follow up report, but it turns out they’re not going to bring her to justice. I was pissed! In the end the police dropped me off outside the school, which is now located somewhere random in the middle of Dover. I realize all that drama made me miss 24 hours of class, but whats worse – where has my son been for the past 24 hours? I freak out and run around looking for him, but to no avail. I walk back to the school to try and find him there but I cant find the school now.  I look for a cop to help me but none of them are out driving.

I’m ready to cry. I miss my son.

I wake up

Evil Bus Driver

There was a neighbor who was a friend in my dream. The neighbor went away for the day and asked me to get her daughters from the school bus. I was somehow a passenger on the bus heading home with my dad and little brother Jim, and we had arranged for my other brother Jamie to meet us at a particular stop. We stopped at 1 stop after the agreed upon location, but we had a ton of stuff on the school bus. Everyone but the girls got off. I got back on to grab some more things and the bus driver took off with me and the girls still on the bus. I shouted at her to stop and she was being a total bitch. She stopped when other kids needed her, but not for me. Finally I told her my situation with the neighbor and she goes “Yeah I know, the neighbor left us a note about you, but I don’t trust you.”


Finally she stopped by the side of the road at a bus stop surrounded by woods. She let me get 1 of the girls off, but not the other. I run screaming and chasing the bus with the other girl following me as best as she can for a 7 year old, but she’s holding me up. Finally we get to what I think is a little drop I can jump over to continue to follow the bus, but it was a massive cliff up the side of a mountain that I didn’t recognize till I jumped with the girl in my hands. The moment I noticed I was able to catch the cliff with my other hand and scream for help. I was able to throw the girl over the cliff and back on to safe land, but all that was left was me dangling. Finally an old woman with white curly hair helped me back up. She was a tourist admiring the view. Broken and defeated I grab the girl and walk back to where we came from in an effort to find my dad and brothers. The dream ends.

Lost in Boston

I was in Boston to go to some unknown museum with my son Syrus, mom, my brother Jamie, and my ex/son’s father Aris. His most recent psycho fucking ex Kai ended up showing up out of nowhere, because anime Boston was probably going on, and he wanted to ditch us for her. Aris initially dumped Syrus on me and took off wandering looking for Kai, and I began to panic. I followed him out and saw him wandering around the building unable to find her, so I gave Syrus back to him and left.

Instead of going into the museum for some reason I went wandering around different convience stores, theaters, and kids fun houses before getting lost. I took a train to get me closer to the museum under the guidance of a friendly stranger, and we left. Once we got off the stranger parted from me and I started to panic. I’m lost again, and now I find out Aris lost Syrus cause he tripped out on acid with Kai and in a threatening voice he made it clear he didn’t want me to say anything to anyone.

A midst my aimless wandering and internal freakout I asked someone for help again. I had no idea that when I stopped and asked this random guy for directions, he turned out to be a friend of Jay’s. He saw his friend and smiled, and I thought he was smiling at me so I smiled back, and then he realized who his friend was standing next to and the smile was instantly wiped from his face. After the tiniest bit of small talk, Jason actually offered to help me get to the museum, but  I managed to pissed him off along the way. I was trying to explain what I had been told in terms of getting back to the museum and he got beat red and argued with me about what I was saying and how I was cutting him off or something. The he got frustrated cause he pointed me in the right direction across the street and I took off before he could finish – so he chased me. He got to the other side of the street with me and said “maybe this is the wrong place” and I said “No, there it is” pointing to a convince shop that has a shortcut to the museum, and we took off inside the shop to find my son.

Finally I found Syrus. Aris ended up giving him to “Mr.Miagi” the convience store shop owner, and Mr. Miagi gave my son to another store owner to babysit him. That whole thing was fucked up and i hate instant anxiety in the morning. The mix of emotions kicked me awake in the most awful way. I hate it when that happens.