I just woke up from a horrible nightmare…I was 2 weeks pregnant and found out it was nicks kid, and my mom got a lawyer and met me at the church to attempt to make me keep it, and I lashed out and let her have it, letting jerk fault, and wanting to sue the lawyer too for pulling me into a false sense of security about motherhood when my son turned out autistic. I wanted to beat the shit out of her for how she treated me both this time and last time she found out I was pregnant. God I hate her…
Please forgive the stero-typical teenage drama-feasting title, but I have been plagued by anxiety, stress, depression, and tears, and I was hoping it was PMS but it’s not. It’s life. I can’t stand it.
Let me make it known that I don’t hate being a mom. I love my son, and he means the world to me; what I hate is raising an autistic child by myself. Every time something comes up that even remotely looks like enjoying life comes up, I have to deny it because I have to place needs before wants. My ex on the other hand, even though he has many solid good points about him, is a selfish a-hole. I get jealous every time I hear that he got to go out and have fun with friends at late night concerts or go hiking up a mountain… I don’t get to do any of that. I hate being jealous. It’s not fair that I should have to take the full load of raising our son and he gets off scott free. There’s a new job I want to apply for thats $50k a year, more than enough to get me off the food stamps and live, but my ability to accept it hangs in the balance thanks to the time I have to spend driving to daycare in time to pick up my son before paying a late fee, picking up the babysitter, dropping them off at my house, and then drive an hour to concord to do my masters degree. As it stands I wouldn’t need to pay for a second babysitter if my ex would step up to the plate and help when I’m in school. His excuse is work hours, but he can adjust his schedule to make it work, but he doesn’t want too because he wants to spend time with his friends at their houses having fun when I can’t do the same. Shit, I cant even invite them over because of my crazy next door neighbor I keep calling the police on. All I wan’t is a little support for school, and a little freedom in order to take better care of myself. Is this so unrealistic? Is this too much to ask for? That reminds me…
2) The pressure from school is weighing on me
It turns out that in order for financial aid to bill my course with federal loans, I have no choice but to maintain at minimum a B- average or else I pay the term out of pocket, and can’t move forward until that bill is paid. I am literally fucked if I don’t do well. 😦 How am I supposed to do that if I accept a job that’s full time? By the same token…
3) I can’t afford to live right now
I received my notice saying my lease wont be renewed after 8 years of being here, thanks to a check bouncing in June and late payments…. of course they’re late, I don’t make enough money; but don’t tell the state that. Apparently I make enough to be able to lose food stamps by $20 if I go back to working a 30 hour work week. I work 24 now and can only put food on the table for 2 weeks out of the month…. in exchange I live disconnect notice to disconnect notice between the electric and my phone bill. I have to be sure I don’t go anywhere beyond work or else I don’t have enough gas to last me the week, and now Concord for schooling is another $30 a week on top of that. I’m lucky I didn’t have a late fee for my sons daycare expenses since I was short $20 and payed it last second. I’m always $200 a month behind bills in general, and if I work extra hours then my son looses social security and I lose state help, which puts me in an even worse situation. The guidelines for poverty are so outdated! I have to keep myself low income just to survive because my income is just barely on the standard line of income, but just enough to cripple us if I don’t!
Bills scare the shit out of me now. I get an anxiety attack just looking at my bank statement. Shit, I’m supposed to move Nov. 30th, and I can’t come up with a security deposit, just first months rent. What am I supposed to do? If I get an eviction notice, I can get help from the town with security deposit, but my credit score gets fucked, and I get sued for skipping one months rent just to save up for it, and then my chances of my doctorate get fucked and my interest goes up! That and they don’t want to give me my security deposit for the place I live now….
I hate it! I hate my life! I’m so ready to give up and I’m so sick of crying. I want something that resembles a life…. fun…. peace…. happiness… love that isn’t one sided…. This shouldn’t be too much to ask for.
I remember being in the woods in a caged in area. There were a few log cabins, and it was divided in the center. Evening was upon us. There were two teams, mine and theres, and the objective was to run away or fight to death to survive. We had 6 hours to try and stay alive, and the group I was apart of was on the defense. About an hour before the time runs up, I grab a little girl with beautiful blonde curls and blue eyes and run away from a fight. Eventually I had no choice but to stand my ground. I pushed the little girl behind some fencing and told her to hide, but just as I turned away from her, I was cornered and had to fight, or risk them capturing her. As I fought the guy, I felt more and more trapped. Paradoxically, the more restricted I felt, the more he shrank in size until eventually, he resembled a cocky anime-based 10 year old boy from yu-gi-oh. I hit him a few times and he and his friends took off running scared. Eventually I knew they’ed come back and retaliate, so we started to run away as well. I searched for the little girl to come with, but couldn’t find her.
The dream transitions out into a home where Lizzy, Katie, and I live together, but its not my home. In the back room was a mother rabbit that was heavily pregnant. I asked lizzy about the bunny and she told me she’s due any time now. I go back into the bedroom and the rabbit is squealing, panting, and there’s blood on the wood chips she slept on. I rushed out to let lizzy and katie know the rabbit was delivering. I rushed back in to help the new mommy rabbit give birth, but as I got in, there were 4 baby rabbits that were squirming side by side. There was no fur on them, and they were adorable. All of them belonged to Katie. I know with cats there is usually some after care the pet owners need to make sure of, so I ignorantly helped on the basis of common sense and care. I had lizzy and katie clean out cage, care for the baby bunnies, and put food and water in for the mommy. My job? I cleaned up the real mess – the blood all over mommy. When I picked her up she was lying on her left side with her right leg straight up. I figured it was because she was in so much pain, and may have been torn up a little after delivering. I picked her up and she squealed for missing her kids and being in pain. I grabbed some warm wet wash cloths, and gently wiped up the blood on the fur and rinsed her with a little warm water. I figured the temperature would help her to relax. I didn’t want anything too invasive on her like soap or something tough; I didn’t want her accidentally developing an infection. I also only washed a very small area so she wouldn’t get cold or uncomfortable trying to dry her fur. I remember at one point being concerned the mother might harm the runt of the litter, but she did okay. Once the cage was cleaned up with the mommy back in place, I put some fresh greenish hay in myself. Her leg still stood straight up after cleaning her. I nudged the babies to the mommy to feed, but the dream ended right around then.
I had a dream that my son “pottied” a little bit on the floor. I grabbed the dry diaper he’d just taken off to put it back on… but then he started peeing again before the diaper was on, so all I could do is cover his front with the diaper. He just kept peeing and it got everywhere because the diaper wasn’t doing it’s job… it was gross and freaking me out. I didn’t want it all over my hand (or the carpet) so I scream out “JAMIE” looking for my brother to help. That’s when I wake up, having to remind myself he’s moved out and can’t help me anymore. 😦
I don’ think the significance in the dream was that my son spilled his bladder everywhere (yuck), but rather a reminder of whom I’ve lost and the part he played my our world.
I miss him.
I found myself standing beside my bed staring out the window on a warm spring morning. Nature was growing towards the sky, and the sun beamed brightly through my window. I could see the road into town that lay just beyond the small patch of lawn in front of the house. A thicket of trees lay just behind the road that barely covered the river that borders into Maine. It was truly a beautiful morning. In the background was the voice of my mother, Anna, who was in the kitchen having a rather one sided conversation. She was talking about how my brother Jamie was coming home from a trip with the local church run boy-scout program today known as Pathfinders. “I need a vacation” I thought to myself with a sense of longing, when no sooner my mother continues on to say “He’s coming home by boat.” “A cruise” I thought, “A cruise! That’s what I need.” Instantly I booked a vacation to some unknown destination with the printed tickets laying before me on the bed. Suddenly, in conjunction with the squeaking of the front door, a familiar voice reaches my ears.
“I’m home” someone shouted. I open my bedroom door to see Jamie. As happy as I was to see him, my attention was quickly diverted when I see this massive two ton ocean liner standing upright upon it’s pointed bottom! Most astonishing of all was the fact that this massive ship was parked behind the family car! “What is that” I exclaimed! “Oh, that’s the boat I came home on.” It was painted from the bottom to a third of the way up in a dull brick red color, with the rest of the ship being a basic white color that was losing it’s gloss from dealing with the harsh ocean sea. To the top center of the ship, I could see a giant steam pipe that was a high shine onyx. I stood in awe of the ship for just a moment until it broke into a flash of worry that rippled through me from head to toe.
My mind told me this was also the ship I needed for my trip. “Jamie, I’m supposed to be leaving for a cruise! Is this the ship I need?” “I don’t know” he responds; typical annoying answer from him, but I had no time to drill him with questions. My anxiety skyrocketed as I believed that this was the ship I needed for my trip. If I could get on now, I knew it would work out well. I quickly glanced into my bedroom to see that somehow my small black duffel bag was out on my bed, clothes folded, and neatly tucked inside. All that was missing was the toiletries. I zoomed, raced, and dashed back and forth between the bathroom down the hall and my bedroom, periodically checking out the screen door to see if my ticket to paradise was still there. I grabbed the last two items I needed to be packed – my toothbrush and toothpaste, when just before throwing it in my bag, I again look out the door, and see that the ship was gone. Despair and frustration swelled within me in the blink of an eye. No sooner had the feeling rushed into me when my bare feet took off dashing out the door chasing after the ship, as if they had a mind of their own. When I left I realized I forgot my bag and ticket, but I didn’t care; I have missed one too many awesome plans I’ve made throughout the whole of my world, and for once, I wasn’t going to miss the chance of a lifetime!
The ship rumbled as it “sailed” up hill against the concrete. No scratch marks were made against the pavement, and the road didn’t crack under the weight either. Between the edges of the road and where the sidewalk begins, I noticed thin plates of steel notched with small rectangles along the center to the left and right side of the road. “This must be how the ship is moving,” I panted, trying my hardest to run up that hill, but my energy was quickly being diverted from my feet to my anxiety, preventing me from going any faster. Suddenly, the ocean liner picked up the pace, and I knew I was in trouble.
The boat reached the top of the hill and turned to the right. I wasn’t too far behind, but not close enough to stop it. To my amazement, as I got to the top of the hill, I see this behemoth of hard work and steel sail away into a sea of darkness – into a yellow painted two car garage! It sailed downward through the garage shrinking as it drifted away.
All hope seemed lost then. As I stood there longing to make it onto the ship, I noticed two women, both of which were dressed for business. The one on the left was thin, blond haired, and blue eyed with a semi-pale complexion. Her hair was highly glossed and pulled back into a bun. The outfit was a deep blue jacket and knee high skirt with a white shirt underneath. The woman to the left was dressed the same, but was a brunette with long wavy hair. Overall I thought they looked more like airline attendants more than women working for a cruise ship.
“That ship” I shouted, gasping to catch my breath. “That ship… it was parked outside my house and dropped off my brother, but I also paid to take this cruise. Can I still get on?”. The blonde haired woman smiled gently and said “Yes, but this cruise is meant for women who are expecting only. You know, a chance for mommy and baby to bond. Is this the cruise you’re looking for?” I stopped and thought about this for a moment. On the one hand, I have a beautiful two year old little boy in real life, thereby breaking the essence of the fantasy I was dreaming. On the other hand, my dream is taking place in the last house I lived in before moving out. Chronologically, I mustn’t have had a child. I didn’t know what to say. Should I lie to them? Should I tell the truth? Before I had the chance to answer their question, the two women slowly walked a few feet ahead of me and stopped to chat in private. That’s when things took a turn for the worst.
Screams were echoed from the house to the right across the street. Then the sound of metal buckling and tearing. Without a moments notice, the garage below my feet, and everything to the right of me was sucked down into a watery grave. That’s when I realized I was on the ship and sinking fast. I held my breath and swam for dear life to get my head above water. My heart was racing as my chest started to pound from my body screaming for breath and life. The weight of the ship below me was pulling me under hard and fast creating a force of suction that I could not escape. I look up while drowning to see rays of light shimmering through the olive green water…. and in that moment, I gave up. I knew my breath was running short. There was no way I could escape the ships grasp. I grimly accepted my fate knowing these frigid waters were my coffin, no one would ever see me again, and I could not escape my time. I hadn’t enough breath to reach the top by now. The world began to fade away until it blacked out.
I woke up gasping for breath and life…. I had been holding my breath again in real life. This isn’t the first time I had done this – oh no. Drowning is a repetitious dream I’ve had since I was a child… eight to be exact. I lay there shaken and covered in a pool of sweat with the urge to kick the covers off – too hot. The moment I did that an extreme chill struck me. I forgot to shut the sliding glass door last night, leaving a small crack for the cold air to slowly travel through.
Lately I’ve had few and fleeting dreams. I remember but glimpses into my unconscious mind. I dream of fears.
I dreamt my brother scolded me and made me feel like an awful parent. In real life my brother commented how my son doesn’t seem to nap much at present, and it’s true. I leave my son in his crib and let him have some time to himself, as well as to myself, because I need a moment to breathe, and I don’t think it’s a bad idea to either let him nap if he’s tired or relax in the crib. I know when I was a kid we had nap time in school, and if we didn’t fall asleep it was fine, but we still had to lie down. It was still considered beneficial to relax and recoup before the next part of our schooling, so I tend to see it like that. My son however gives me these 50/50 moments where I feel like I’m punishing him if I put him in his crib, when I’m not. I feel guilty to hear him cry, but frustrated if I dont get a moment to myself. Nevertheless, One of the few fleeting dreams I had involved my brother accusing me of being a neglectful mother, and it was heart breaking.
The next one also involved my son, but my dad as well. He was accusing me of being Autistic, just like my son. He said he suspected it because if he has it, and my son has it, then I must have it too. Being a therapist was irrelevant because it could just point to a higher level of intelligence from having an autistic mind, and the fact that I’m an empathetic individual was irrelevant, despite the fact that there is a general disconnect of empathy with autistic minds. I know I’m not autistic, and again it was another fleeting dream, but it makes me wonder what my fears really are and how dark they can truly be.
Last one (of course) was based off the fifty shades novels. I dreamt about getting to know Christian, Ana, and Dr. Flynn. Grace may have been in it at one point, but I dont remember. I know we were at Escala, but that was about it. Then it kept switching to me reading about them in the book, only these things never happend in the book, so I ended up dreaming about WRITING a spin off the fifty shades series! That dream just kept switching between reading, writing, and seeing what was happening in my minds eye… it was so strange, but it left me struck with awe as well.
I dont know what to make of any of this, but at least I got it down.