Tag Archives: panic

My Dearest Nightmare

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Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…

“No”

It’s coming…

“NO”

It’s hard to breathe…

“NOOOO”

I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)

Hearts & Wander

Fear not, for I have dreams to share, but I thought I’d also give my readers an update. My laptop is dead which is why I haven’t posted anything in forever. I rely on my phone to let me know whats going on in the interwebz, but thats all I have. Until then I cannot resume my otherwise monthly rambles and fragments of visions in the night until I buy a new one.

There is a new character to my dream, and his name is Travis – my new boyfriend. Val is also new, and she is his net door neighbor. These are the dreams I’ve had I remember well enough to share.

Hearts (October)

I’m lying in my boyfriends bed dozing off for a while. I’m facing the wall and in my minds eye, I am present in the moment. If I were to have opened them, there would be no difference. All of a sudden I get this bright idea to draw him a heart on his wall with a crayon. They’re washable, and I thought it would be sweet if Travis could see something of me, from me, since I can’t be here every night when he goes to bed. I clamor to the foot of the bed and find the broken crayons in my purse I carry for my sons entertainment for when we are out, crawl back into bed, snuggle up, and start drawing a red heart with my initials and his.

At this point in real life, Travis crawls into bed behind me. After a moment I hear him say “what the heck” and realize I’m scratching his wall in the shape of a heart with my pointer finger. It was just enough for me to pull back in real life, and almost wake me up, but instead I dozed back into la la land.

Back in my dream, once I was finished with the heart, I seem to be quite proud of myself for showing even a small but meaningful token of my affections for him. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door, and Travis wakes up and runs on over. Val comes in and starts talking to him when she sees me in his bed. She walks on over and says her usual “sup bitch” in her warm and sarcastic way. Then she sees that I drew on his wall, and she reproaches me for it, saying how proud she is of Travis for keeping his house clean the way he does, and I’m ruining it.
“You can wash it out” I replied, to which she retorted “Oh yeah? With what?”
“A Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.”
“Does he have any? Where is it?”
Travis looks down towards his feet in disapproval because of Val, but says nothing. I assumed he didn’t have any.
“I’ve got some at home. I’ll bring it over next time. Or better yet we can go to Walmart or Hannaford right now and I’ll go get some.”
Travis rather liked my heart, and I didn’t want to erase it, but Val was pissed it was there and she is like a adoptive mother to him. Still, I don’t remember what she said next, but I did point out that it IS Travis’ wall, and if he doesn’t have a problem with it, then its none of her business. The dream fades out at that point.

Wander

Yesterday morning I left Travis’ house shortly before 6 after only having 2 hours of sleep. Once I got home I crashed on the couch for an hour before my son woke me up. I was dead tired. Anyway, this is the dream I had during that short hour.

I’m driving back from Travis’ house on Old Dover Road in my mothers car when I see a car behind me some distance away. I wondered if it was an undercover cop car. When I look from the mirror ahead of me, I throw on my brakes because a 4 way intersection appeared out of nowhere with a red light in front of me. The brakes were failing, so even though I slammed them, the car slowly crept forward the entire length of my moms wagon before it stopped. The line where I was supposed to stop was completely behind me. Because I’m in the middle of the road in front of a red light, I say “fuck it, its worse to be stopped in the middle of the road then go through the light.” I looked all three directions, made sure it was safe, and pulled straight on through and saw out the corner of my eye the light had turned green just as I was almost directly underneath it. Still, the car that was some distance away is now closing in with flashing blues… yep, it was an undercover cop car. Even though the light was green once I was directly under it, he was pulling me over for running a red light. I was terrified. Not only was this money I didn’t have, but my mother will bitch at me for making her insurance go up because it was her car, and it reflects on my driving history, screwing up any chances of a job I was hoping for requiring me to transport people. I couldn’t believe it. I pulled off to the side and came to a stop. The cop car parked behind me and stepped out of the vehicle. Once again, my breaks slipped. Even though my foot was against the breaks and I could not push any harder, it slid forward… down hill. I was doing 5 mph at most, so the cop was jogging to catch up. I did the only thing I could do to make it stop, and with my foot against the brake pedal, I threw the car into park and it stopped. Now I’m beyond panic because I’m gonna get a ticket for trying to evade/outrun the cops as well. I throw the car door open and ball my eyes out. The cop points his gun at me and is screaming. I try everything I can to communicate what happened, but I couldn’t speak clearly enough; I’m like a toddler who’s being punished and has a total meltdown and the parents can’t understand a word she’s saying. I wake up in a state of panic and a flood of heat, so tired that I’m unable to reconcile dreams from reality, and wonder if that incident with the cop actually happened in real life. By the afternoon, I realize it wasn’t real, but damn did that scare me.

On a final note: I was pissed at myself. I dreamt about Jason again. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I thought that now that I have a boyfriend I could escape him in my dreams; Nope. He still haunts me. I fucking hate it. I hate him for that matter too.

History Doesn’t Repeat Itself – It Only Rhymes

This is just killinng me now `

So my first dream was almost the same thing as yesterday; literally. Only differences were it was fragmented and a everything looked tiled in the end just like a mosaic, with blurred red, orange, pink, and gold hues. Still, I was desperate for my son.

THEN I had another one. I was (i guess) living with my mom again, and Grandma was living with us too in this really big nice new home. Very middle class, white, two stories, etc.. My grandmother took me out for a drive that was about 100 miles one way – a little more than an hour long there, and a little more than an hour back. Grandma needed to pick up her Lunesta meds… why lunesta, I dont know, because its not like she was prescribed them anyway. We took the highway for the most part. Scenic mountains and a few random shops trailed the journey there. Somehow Aunt Angie randomly appeared sitting next to me in the front seat of the car. Grandma started playing favorites and got irritated with me, so she sent me to the back of the car. I remember her at one point saying not to hog the seat because it will push Angie too far to the edge of our seat. If the car should flip, she doesn’t want Angie getting hurt. (Odd.)

I moved to the back seat, where 2 out of 3 of Angies kids/my cousins appeared; Ryan and Ashley. I forget what we all talked about, but I remember freaking out now about Syrus. I didn’t tell mom I was leaving so, once again I felt like I had abandoned him and left him all alone. Grandma got annoyed and said it was fine and to stop freaking out – we’ll be back soon.

Finally we were “home.” I ran inside and mom was there in the kitchen. I asked her about Sy and told her I was out with Grandma. She was cool with it and did a good job with the kiddo. I went to see him next. I found my little man, gave him a great big hug, and with that, I woke up.

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Teachers of Revenge

I’m going to school, and the school itself has changed. It’s a fusion of my college and my son’s elementary school. Sy has daycare at “our” school now, and its a woman who looks almost the same as his primary teacher, along with a few teachers aids. After I’ve dropped him off in the classroom I turn around after shutting the door and see a loud mouth gossiper who’s my “friend” in this dream. She’s a short older grey haired woman in a darker grey sweater and black jeans. I say hi real quick and walk off to class, but forget where the class is located (I think) and wander back. There’s a door open, and the gossiping woman and my son’s teacher are talking in a closet and the “friend” starts to lie to her, saying how I’ve been telling people that I’ve been working hard in the classroom with my son; So in an effort to “help,” she tells my son’s teacher that I should have a job in the classroom, and possibly take her job. I stop her nonsense talk right then and there in a state of panic and fury, and interrupt them to clarify I never said any of this. All I said was that I volunteered in the classroom once, but wasn’t very helpful at all. As I said this, I looked at the teacher first, and placed my hand on her shoulder to try and validate my point. She was in the classroom, so she would know; then I look at my “friend” and glare at her. She’s embarrassed as fuck, and the teacher is pissed. The teacher stormed out of the closet leaving me upset and worried.

Later I’m in another classroom and I’m forced to stop what I’m doing. I’m bound and gagged by a bunch of women. They held me down, straw in my mouth, and forced me to over dose on cough medicine to try and kill me. It doesn’t work as planed. I pass out, but still breathing, so they send me to a torture room to have me killed in maple syrup  I’m lying on this metal grid with large circles in it, and it starts to raise. Syrup floods the room and starts to boil. I feel uncomfortable and roll over – a little to close to the edge to the point of falling in. Just then I’m rescued by a bunch of other teachers who actually work with the police, figured out “Leanne” – the teacher did it, and am healed back to normal. I give a statement and ask for a follow up report, but it turns out they’re not going to bring her to justice. I was pissed! In the end the police dropped me off outside the school, which is now located somewhere random in the middle of Dover. I realize all that drama made me miss 24 hours of class, but whats worse – where has my son been for the past 24 hours? I freak out and run around looking for him, but to no avail. I walk back to the school to try and find him there but I cant find the school now.  I look for a cop to help me but none of them are out driving.

I’m ready to cry. I miss my son.

I wake up

The Sea of Dreams

I found myself standing beside my bed staring out the window on a warm spring morning. Nature was growing towards the sky, and the sun beamed brightly through my window. I could see the road into town that lay just beyond the small patch of lawn in front of the house. A thicket of trees lay just behind the road that barely covered the river that borders into Maine. It was truly a beautiful morning. In the background was the voice of my mother, Anna, who was in the kitchen having a rather one sided conversation. She was talking about how my brother Jamie was coming home from a trip with the local church run boy-scout program today known as Pathfinders. “I need a vacation” I thought to myself with a sense of longing, when no sooner my mother continues on to say “He’s coming home by boat.” “A cruise” I thought, “A cruise! That’s what I need.” Instantly I booked a vacation to some unknown destination with the printed tickets laying before me on the bed. Suddenly, in conjunction with the squeaking of the front door, a familiar voice reaches my ears.

“I’m home” someone shouted. I open my bedroom door to see Jamie. As happy as I was to see him, my attention was quickly diverted when I see this massive two ton ocean liner standing upright upon it’s pointed bottom! Most astonishing of all was the fact that this massive ship was parked behind the family car! “What is that” I exclaimed! “Oh, that’s the boat I came home on.” It was painted from the bottom to a third of the way up in a dull brick red color, with the rest of the ship being a basic white color that was losing it’s gloss from dealing with the harsh ocean sea. To the top center of the ship, I could see a giant steam pipe that was a high shine onyx. I stood in awe of the ship for just a moment  until it broke into a flash of worry that rippled through me from head to toe.

     My mind told me this was also the ship I needed for my trip. “Jamie, I’m supposed to be leaving for a cruise! Is this the ship I need?” “I don’t know” he responds; typical annoying answer from him, but I had no time to drill him with questions. My anxiety skyrocketed as I believed that this was the ship I needed for my trip. If I could get on now, I knew it would work out well. I quickly glanced into my bedroom to see that somehow my small black duffel bag was out on my bed, clothes folded, and neatly tucked inside. All that was missing was the toiletries. I zoomed, raced, and dashed back and forth between the bathroom down the hall and my bedroom, periodically checking out the screen door to see if my ticket to paradise was still there. I grabbed the last two items I needed to be packed – my toothbrush and toothpaste, when just before throwing it in my bag, I again look out the door, and see that the ship was gone. Despair and frustration swelled within me in the blink of an eye. No sooner had the feeling rushed into me when my bare feet took off dashing out the door chasing after the ship, as if they had a mind of their own. When I left I realized I forgot my bag and ticket, but I didn’t care; I have missed one too many awesome plans I’ve made throughout the whole of my world, and for once, I wasn’t going to miss the chance of a lifetime!

     The ship rumbled as it “sailed” up hill against the concrete. No scratch marks were made against the pavement, and the road didn’t crack under the weight either. Between the edges of the road and where the sidewalk begins, I noticed thin plates of steel notched with small rectangles along the center to the left and right side of the road. “This must be how the ship is moving,” I panted, trying my hardest to run up that hill, but my energy was quickly being diverted from my feet to my anxiety, preventing me from going any faster. Suddenly, the ocean liner picked up the pace, and I knew I was in trouble.

The boat reached the top of the hill and turned to the right. I wasn’t too far behind, but not close enough to stop it. To my amazement, as I got to the top of the hill, I see this behemoth of hard work and steel sail away into a sea of darkness – into a yellow painted two car garage! It sailed downward through the garage shrinking as it drifted away.

     All hope seemed lost then. As I stood there longing to make it onto the ship, I noticed two women, both of which were dressed for business. The one on the left was thin, blond haired, and blue eyed with a semi-pale complexion. Her hair was highly glossed and pulled back into a bun. The outfit was a deep blue jacket and knee high skirt with a white shirt underneath. The woman to the left was dressed the same, but was a brunette with long wavy hair. Overall I thought they looked more like airline attendants more than women working for a cruise ship.

     “That ship” I shouted, gasping to catch my breath. “That ship… it was parked outside my house and dropped off my brother, but I also paid to take this cruise. Can I still get on?”. The blonde haired woman smiled gently and said “Yes, but this cruise is meant for women who are expecting only. You know, a chance for mommy and baby to bond. Is this the cruise you’re looking for?” I stopped and thought about this for a moment. On the one hand, I have a beautiful two year old little boy in real life, thereby breaking the essence of the fantasy I was dreaming. On the other hand, my dream is taking place in the last house I lived in before moving out. Chronologically, I mustn’t have had a child. I didn’t know what to say. Should I lie to them? Should I tell the truth? Before I had the chance to answer their question, the two women slowly walked a few feet ahead of me and stopped to chat in private. That’s when things took a turn for the worst.

     Screams were echoed from the house to the right across the street. Then the sound of metal buckling and tearing. Without a moments notice, the garage below my feet, and everything to the right of me was sucked down into a watery grave. That’s when I realized I was on the ship and sinking fast. I held my breath and swam for dear life to get my head above water. My heart was racing as my chest started to pound from my body screaming for breath and life. The weight of the ship below me was pulling me under hard and fast creating a force of suction that I could not escape. I look up while drowning to see rays of light shimmering through the olive green water…. and in that moment, I gave up. I knew my breath was running short. There was no way I could escape the ships grasp. I grimly accepted my fate knowing these frigid waters were my coffin, no one would ever see me again, and I could not escape my time. I hadn’t enough breath to reach the top by now. The world began to fade away until it blacked out.

I woke up gasping for breath and life…. I had been holding my breath again in real life. This isn’t the first time I had done this – oh no. Drowning is a repetitious dream I’ve had since I was a child… eight to be exact. I lay there shaken and covered in a pool of sweat with the urge to kick the covers off – too hot. The moment I did that an extreme chill struck me. I forgot to shut the sliding glass door last night, leaving a small crack for the cold air to slowly travel through.

Lost in Boston

I was in Boston to go to some unknown museum with my son Syrus, mom, my brother Jamie, and my ex/son’s father Aris. His most recent psycho fucking ex Kai ended up showing up out of nowhere, because anime Boston was probably going on, and he wanted to ditch us for her. Aris initially dumped Syrus on me and took off wandering looking for Kai, and I began to panic. I followed him out and saw him wandering around the building unable to find her, so I gave Syrus back to him and left.

Instead of going into the museum for some reason I went wandering around different convience stores, theaters, and kids fun houses before getting lost. I took a train to get me closer to the museum under the guidance of a friendly stranger, and we left. Once we got off the stranger parted from me and I started to panic. I’m lost again, and now I find out Aris lost Syrus cause he tripped out on acid with Kai and in a threatening voice he made it clear he didn’t want me to say anything to anyone.

A midst my aimless wandering and internal freakout I asked someone for help again. I had no idea that when I stopped and asked this random guy for directions, he turned out to be a friend of Jay’s. He saw his friend and smiled, and I thought he was smiling at me so I smiled back, and then he realized who his friend was standing next to and the smile was instantly wiped from his face. After the tiniest bit of small talk, Jason actually offered to help me get to the museum, but  I managed to pissed him off along the way. I was trying to explain what I had been told in terms of getting back to the museum and he got beat red and argued with me about what I was saying and how I was cutting him off or something. The he got frustrated cause he pointed me in the right direction across the street and I took off before he could finish – so he chased me. He got to the other side of the street with me and said “maybe this is the wrong place” and I said “No, there it is” pointing to a convince shop that has a shortcut to the museum, and we took off inside the shop to find my son.

Finally I found Syrus. Aris ended up giving him to “Mr.Miagi” the convience store shop owner, and Mr. Miagi gave my son to another store owner to babysit him. That whole thing was fucked up and i hate instant anxiety in the morning. The mix of emotions kicked me awake in the most awful way. I hate it when that happens.