Tag Archives: peace

Community Status

It’s amazing to walk into work and everyone is all “Hey, Carol!” “Carol, how’s it going?” “Morning Carol! We still up for game night?” Even customers are all “how did you get into work? You need a ride home? How’s Syrus doing?”

Slowly, but surely, community is working its way into my life, and I in there’s. Supports are growing and people are starting to connect as friends and spiritualists. It’s nice being able to connect with people, and I’m hoping my love life turns around this year too. I’ve been talking to a few guys online, and one of them is into BDSM as well, which is a great chance for me to explore myself… He’s well built and lives in Hampton, so not too far away… but I’m not looking to rush into things. I still feel inadequate where I don’t have a car, but I know that has more to do with Aris implanting that insecurity more than anything. Still, stability and independence are also important. A car helps. 

It’s moments like this where I love my life, and enjoy my job. I am blessed. For now I’m gonna make a list of ways to utilize the new moon approaching, and where it’s pay day I need more coffee. My cycle is coming soon because I’m sleeping WAY more and WAY earlier than I should. Like, 5pm, up around 7 or 8 for a bit, then back to sleep till 7. I doubt it’s work that’s killing me since I’m enjoying being back in the front end. 

The Smallest Connection

To be human is to grieve, because if we grieve we are in touch with the swelling of emotions that make us so complex, the glue that permanently connects the puzzle pieces and fragments that make us human compared to the clinical diagnosis that seeks to pull us to pieces for fragmented labels of understanding. Grief is the soul, the definition of what it means to be human. You cannot be human without grief.

Oddly enough I can create fantasies in my head that cause me to grieve over and over again (which is why I suppose dramas and chick flicks are so profitable), but joining that to the real world is so much harder.

Once again I am drawn to think of him… And I know deep down in my heart that if I reconnect with that pain and grieve the loss of him – not just who he is but on some level the fantasy I made him out to be, I can draw my defenses down just a little bit more and connect with that realm of pain that promotes love and understanding. I loved him, and I still try to swallow that pain and stuff it down which is why in a rare eternity he can pop out of the blue and I’ll still talk to him rather than reject him.

I still hope to work through the conflicts that caused all this because I acknowledge I still love him to some respect, be it the real him or something imagined I conjured up in my head like the sorceress that I am. The illusioned piece of my head says “if you talk things out you can move on without him”, and the illusioned part of my heart says “if you talk things out it’ll draw you closer together, his problem is a fear of intamacy due to an unacknowledged level of emotional childhood abuse anyway”, and the the disillusioned part of my head says “you don’t need to talk to him to move on, it’s a lie. You’ve tried it before and it never works. Lay off the Oedipus complex for a while”, and the disillusioned piece of my heart says “stop trying to rescue him or salvage the past. You’re not a hero or a savior, so stop it.” So how do I grieve without becoming obsessive then… In grief we do carry people in our hearts that we live because we loved them, and it’s okay to express that… But this? There’s something very comorbid about it because it’s codependent. In truth I made him my savior to some extent, and for that I am sorry; not only is it inappropriate and too much burden to bare at a young age, but it’s obvious to me now that he was only playing out a cycle he lived at home through me, and I inadvertently perpetuated that dysfunction, which is in part the comfort he experienced being around me.

I wish I could rewind time with the knowledge that I have now and take it all back, but that’s not moving forward.

That’s where my confusion in all this lies… I don’t know what’s healthy to grieve and hold on too, versus cast out and let go of. I was too emeshed in him, and he just… I don’t know. I placed too much on him, and for that I am truly sorry. I know I’ve come to the pice of understanding when it comes to him before, but I keep revisiting it. I was blown away last October when he told me that he felt as if I understood him better than most people, as I not only believed it to be both true and false, but also dangerous. The sad thing is I feel as if I see him now clearer than I ever was able too in the past, and I think his information seeking was clarification for information I couldn’t provide at that time…. Again, I’m not his savior and it’s not my job to rescue him… Nor does he need it. Once he’s in the right place at the right time of his journey of understanding… If it every happens… He’ll do the work necessary to heal on his own. I doubt he’d want to acknowledge that anyone would have such faith in him (especially out of my mouth), but it’s true.

Truth

It would be nice if one of these days I could look back on us and rather than chronically saying sorry I could look on everything with loving eyes and say “peace be unto you.” Why the strange sentiment I don’t know, but somehow, just to acknowledge that as I have feels so right.

The Chasm Exands


Working out of the “love yourself, heal your life” workbook, I feel that chasm again… The expanding of my chest to create space, but the more I feel that space the more I recognize what currently fills that space, and the longing that it calls for. It calls for me to love myself, but also confronts me with the messages I told myself growing up because they wee instilled within me. “Do you deserve to live?” “What are your beliefs?” I’m confronted with just how much “otherness” I live my life by… In church I was told to live for Christ by doing his deeds for others… As a kid I was starved for affection and always worked hard to meet other people’s needs… The moment I ask myself what my beliefs are I’m struck with how much my beliefs were based on making an impact on me but on others. For example if I say “I believe everyone deserves to be treated with respect, I have to take ownership at some point in time and ask myself “do you treat yourself with respect? If so how? If not, why? What’s the emotional impact?”

Finally the stagnancy is breaking as I move forward with this next chapter of healing, but this chasm… This swelling inside me… It’s like a whirlpool surrounded by rocky clods and boulders along some exotic ocean… Odd that it’s such a beautiful place but all I see is terror swirling round and around in those waters. 

Likewise, the girl at the bottom of the well no longer has that dark red and purple aura surrounding her, and light now shines in the well… She smiles at me. I’m not as afraid of her as I once was, but I’ll make my way in soon… Or perhaps, she’ll find her strength and make her way out. Who knows….

The Tide of Eternity

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This is nice… Really nice. It’s almost feels like lying in a river at the dead of night, naked, and simply gazing at the stars… The universe is imaged as a reflection in the water, and I am in the middle in serenity.

After an hour or so of meditation, I’m at peace… I love this; I can’t say it enough.

Its okay to be me…

Its truly okay.

I love feeling this way; connected with the good in me.

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May I be well, May I be happy, May I find peace, May I be free from suffering.

May you be well, May you be happy, May you find peace, May you be free from suffering.

May all beings be well, May all beings be happy, May all beings find peace, May all beings be free from suffering.

Random Thoughts

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BBBLLLOOOOGGGGIIIINNNGGGG

I promised myself I’d start a new routine. For the life of me I could not sleep well :-/ I was up at 1:45, then 3ish, then 5:45, then my alarms went off at about 6:40. I tried to sleep for an extra 20, but was up 10 minutes later making my sons lunch. I remember fragments of my dreams…. I know Dawson was telling me that he wanted to show me how to set up the tripod, but I didn’t have the kim wipes for the camera to clean the sensor…. or whatever they’re called. I know something sexual was lingering around the corner, wanting to hit on someone to bump and grind, but I don’t remember who I was talking too. I don’t think it was a male however. I also know I was stressed at some point in my dream…. themes of coworkers were abundant. Meh…. lack of sleep screws up my ability to remember dreams… as does too much. ūüėõ

So, about that routine… I really want to practice mindfulness and meditation for my overall health, and downloaded an app called Mindful to get me started. So far I really enjoy it. It asks for 3 core values (I put wisdom, caring, and authenticity), as well as three goals I’d like to work on. From there, it prompts you three times a day, morning, noon, and night, to help get you started by simply focusing on breathing, as well as setting simple assignments to reinforce your ability to be mindful without the assistance of the app. I really do recommend it for people looking to do the same, but are equally just as technology based.

After that I really want to start journaling in the morning too. I use to do this ALLL the time, and it was such a positive experience. Helped to keep me focused on my goals for the day, positive, and happy.

The best one is I now have a workout buddy during the week after work; I finally have that extra motivation to go, and my son is in daycare. I really hope having someone to help kick my ass works out well. ūüėÄ That and its more fun with a friend to chat with…. helps to pass the time. Very thankful.

Role Playing Adventurer

My brother comes home from¬†Florida¬†as surprise. He’s moving back in and I wonder why? “I thought you were happier down there.” “It was nice” he says, “but it didn’t work out as I’d hoped.” I asked how dad was taking it, and he said he’s a little upset, but he understands. It just didn’t work out as we had hoped.

Somehow the dream shifts gears, and now I’m a sword¬†wielding¬†adventurer collecting perks, items, and upgrades as I go. I forget where the first place was that had me fighting monsters, but as the game progressed, I wound up in a tiny village in a frozen wasteland. My brother Jamie and sister Cara are there now. I wander off to a frozen ice-wall with a tiny cliff to climb up on. Suddenly, wolves emerge for me to fight off while I’m on the cliff (about 6 feet off the ground.) I jump down, bring out my sword, and go in for the kill. Slash one, kick another so it’s sent flying, and use one of my funky powers on the last one. As the bodies¬†disappear¬† the “prizes” are left in their place. They were shining white orbs that look like stars, and when I picked one up I got these¬†powerful¬†ice shoes. When I kick something again, this time they’ll become frozen and shatter from the impact of the ice on your body crashing against the ground. ¬†As I’m celebrating and admiring my new gear, I catch something “floating” out of the corner of my eye in the ocean behind us… it’s black, red, and kind of leather looking. I try to carry out my conversations with everyone, but I keep having to turn away to steal a few glances of this thing. Finally, it’s close to the shore, and rising upward. I scream at my sister to run, and my brother stands with me. My sister doesn’t listen for fear and concern of our¬†safety.¬†She stands a few feet behind us. I scream at the top of my lungs that if she doesn’t leave, it’s going to kill her… she’s going to die, and it’ll be her fault if we get hurt trying to save her. We will suffer for the rest of our lives because of her, and I end it¬†desperately¬†screaming “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!?!?!!!”. She pales at the thought of this. Suddenly – it’s too late. A massive walrus emerges from¬†ocean towering 3 stories above us from top to bottom. I freak out. There is NO way a low-level pussy like me is gonna defeat this thing… I lack the power and strength. I scream “RRUUUNNNNN” to everyone, and my siblings and I run inside on of the houses.

Once inside I think we’re at least somewhat safe, but I was wrong. Suddenly the door bursts open and he squeezes his massive body through the door and takes up the bulk of the livingroom. Once he’s inside we make a mad dash for the kitchen, but he’s shrunk enough now to some degree where he can fit his whole body inside, but can’t progress any further. It’s stuck and can’t do anything – plus we have windows and a back door to escape. As fate slowly turns in my favor, I grow less fearful, and the¬†walrus¬†shrinks again. Furthermore, it’s losing it’s ability to move well from not being in it’s natural environment. In a brave attempt I walk up behind it and kick it with my ice abilities, but my ice shoes no longer work. I don’t understand what went wrong or why, but the beast doesn’t acknowledge me much… it just looks at me kind of confused and sad. My panic¬†disperses, and I leave.