Tag Archives: psychology

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 

Reward Over Fear


At first I was hesitant about it…

“Taking Syrus for a run probably isn’t a good idea; he’s a toe walker after all, and I don’t know what the impact on his feet would be.”

Then I started running back and forth between my bedroom and the hallway like I use too when I did the walk away the pounds videos, and just like when he was 4, he followed me back and forth, but this time his intent was to catch me and throw himself against me for a huge hug… So I started thinking

“Maybe I could take us for a long walk, or we can at least try and run. He may be a little slow but that’s okay, as long as he’s safe.”


So I got us dressed for a run, grabbed my ear buds, threw the music on low, and took us for a brisk walk from our house to the town mural, from there I explained we were gonna run – and off we went! I turned it into a race at first but made sure he had the lead to build his confidence, then counted down from 10 to prepare him to walk – and it worked! We walked for a while, then ran, then walked, and just as we were gonna run again he decided he wanted to go into a shop. I told him we were exercising so that wasn’t a choice, but if we run back and up the hill, I’ll buy us a drink at aroma joes.

“Okay”!

One run up hill later (impressive) and we shared a small ice coffee. Normally I don’t like him having caffeine but exercise is the exception to the rule. 😊 we each drank half, and decided on 1 more run back to the house.


I am so INCREDIBLY proud of my kiddo! He defied my initial way of thinking and showed be that despite his disability, he too can be a runner; I just need to teach him to listen to his body if he needs a break, and respect his lead on that one. It also means I can create a new healthy routine for us to enjoy together, which I am thrilled about!

As for myself, it felt so good to really suck in some oxygen into my lungs! I never run through town because I find it embarrassing, but doing it with my kiddo, teaching him something new, and displaying through action that I value exercise and value us as a team took away the self-consciousness that running normally presents. My normal running route would be too much a challenge for him, as he displayed in Halloween, but this was amazing. Running is also teaching me autonomy over my own body, something that never really crossed my mind. For the weight I’ve lost and the limits I’ve been pushing my body through with yoga, I’ve been defying my assumptions and fears through trying frequently lately; I even got a good 15 minute yoga session in after running.


Also, This woman right here is my yoga inspiration – I totally wanna do a head stand! This is a better video however; she totally breaks through while privilege and middle-class norms. Truly inspirational.

Now that I’ve been sitting on my butt blogging for a while, let’s hope my legs aren’t too stiff and I can get some lunch in me!

On Spirituality & Self

I suppose the need for control comes from the inability to forgive… If I could forgive, I wouldn’t need to have so many walls up…

What would it look like to forgive? What would it look like to forgive myself? Forgiveness and “letting go” go hand-in-hand… I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do it.


In my pro Christian days I don’t think I had it figured out then either… I mean when it felt like God had forgiven me, I was allowed to forgive myself, and in forgiveness there was a commitment to do better, die of the old ways of sin, and accept a new me… But that wasn’t really accepting me; it was flawed because I was rejecting parts of myself to be healed when healing requires taking the parts of ourselves we’ve rejected and integrating it back into ourselves. It seems like everything I had done on that journey was a journey of suppression and self-condemnation to earn the forgiveness of a meninist white-American dictator we know as a Christian “God” who presents himself as having borderline personality disorder.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt genuinely happy… It’s hard to appreciate what is good in my life, and that’s a chronic problem.


I read more of the love yourself heal your life book, and it talked about anger and what a pointless problem it is… Something happens and we get angry, then something happens and we get angry, and then something happens and we’re angry; it’s cyclical.

Ben didn’t come home last night and still hasn’t come home. I found out through Kylie he’s at Exeter hospital. He was there because of severe dehydration and malnourishment due to his CRPS, GERD, and something else… His bones were also starting to shrink because of everything, so they did surgery and put a permanent feeding tube in. It’s funny what we manifest for ourselves… Between facticious disorder and him being anorexic years ago, plus talk of a permanent pump that dispenses a slow and steady opioid-based painkiller for his nerve damage (oh, and the walking canes he now uses), it seems as if everything he’s told me he feared or use to wrestle with as a diagnosis is now manifesting all at once, and It’s baffling to watch. Additionally I find it funny that last week Kylie was all “yeah, I’m not gonna get involved in people’s medical stuff”, but yet she knew what was going on the whole time and has been – grrr. I can’t stand hypocrisy. 😡 that or she’s deliberately trying to push me away from him the same way she tried to prevent us from becoming friends… Good old times. >.>’

*sigh* I went from feeling deeply to pissed in 1 thought. Fucking hell… I do hope Ben is okay. He’s been enjoying all the attention he’s been getting online lately through all his support groups telling him what a hero he is for his struggle. I really hope this isn’t some deep manifestation of self-sabotage on his end… It’s just all so… Ironic.

In the end it’s not my journey, but I still fear for him because I care; I just try to keep my distance because I don’t think he wants me involved cause if he did, he’d just openly tell me.

I hate myself again… 😓 I went looking for a spell for forgiveness and there was nothing for self-forgiveness or anything that seemed relevant. I could create my own, but I’d have to know the emotion to tap into and the vision of what it would look like, but I don’t have that at all.

I’m lost… So very lost. On a side note I talked about how since I was a kid whenever I would pray or engage in spiritual/energy work, I yawn a ton although I’m not tired. Turns out I’m releasing a ton of higher energy all at once; grounding myself and taking in energy from other sources (such as the earth) could help with that. As irony would have it, I can open the crown chakra way too easily but have the worst time opening the root chakra. Visual techniques for chakra work never work for me.

Update: finally found a spell, and it reminds me of a Buddhist mantra. Original post can be found on justwicca.com

Forgive self spell:

As I work on myself and work on changing my life for the better, I realize how hurt I am and how fragile I am as a person and human being. I have a lot of emotion pent up inside of me. A lot of issues, a lot of darkness, a lot of anger. I wanted to write a forgiveness spell to help aid in the release of those emotions from your life.

Wiccan Forgiveness Spell

1. Cast your circle

2. Light a candle (this should be decided by you. Have a look at spell candles: colors and meanings for more information)

3. Close your eyes.

4. Chant the following : I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank You.

5. Chant the sentences, in that order – for 9 minutes.

6. Do this often.

This chant is a very ancient tradition and it helps tremendously to clear negative energies and karma. You can enhance this forgiveness spell by writing a letter of self-forgiveness and piercing a needle through the lemon with the letter attached.

A lot of of my spells lately have included lemon. Check out my new lemon love spell. I see that lemon represents; love, success and healing – all of which apply here.

Take the lemon and bury it in a place that you do have to see often. This symbolizes the release of this energy away from you – the distance and also renewal. The earth will change the lemon and the negative energies attached to them. It will wither and fade -just like your pain – and transform into something more.

This was my forgiveness spell MAINLY for self-forgiveness. This spell should be used as you see fit. You are co-creating your universe and you do have a say in how you want your life to turn out. I am working on being patient, kind and generous because those things weren’t shown to me as a child and I would like to be healthy of mind and spirit before utilizing my full mother Goddess energy.

I am working on creating a YouTube to upload pagan meditations. I have one spell enhancement video up – but cannot wait to create more for you guys!

Thank you for joining the forum! Thank you for liking and sharing this post. Hey – a powerful woman told me you were awesome! –  Thanks for being awesome!

Woot!

 

 

The Aftermath of Samhain Ceremony


Yesterday I conducted the Samhain ceremony for myself, and wrote some very deep and profound things to be released – old beliefs that are more harmful than helpful, feelings of fear, anger, and self-harm, and levels of resentment and control I have uncovered. As it said, I wrote it down and tore it into long strips.

From there I went on a journey towards my inner child, and switched places with her from the bottom of the well. The feelings I had experienced toward Ben on a reactive attachment level came up as I was looking at my inner child, and I asked her how to let go of this…

“Appologize. Promise me you’re going to do better; promise me you won’t do this again.”

Somehow I was fearful that this was manipulative, but I knew it was not meant to be controlling. I promised myself that I would try to nurture those places she carried, and I hugged her. As the spell states, I went on a journey and opened a door. When I opened it there was blinding light, and my inner child was standing at me through the doorway, beconing me to go through. Once I did, the meditation where I had been asked to “cultivate a garden of love” came through, and what I saw was a mountainesque scenery that reminded me of Switzerland or Austria, with a small stone house and a garden. I saw myself in a dress, healthy and glowing, and my job was to care for this place. My inner child was happy, dancing, and carefree. Then around the corner was an old woman, me, my future self, and she was my wisdom. The triple moon played out as my inner child, my current self, and my future self were now aligned in this place. She took me out a tour of sorts and showed me around. She told me I was on the right path, and to embrace the inner goddess.

Blackness unfolded before me again, but this time they were memories of real life… Memories of my childhood. I saw myself looking into my pink and white vanity I use to play with as a child. Memories of redden gardens popped up. I could hear my grandmother angry in the background for cutting my hair. I looked so sad, and felt it too. I saw my old bed and the quarters under my pillow my mom had left me when I lost my tooth. I saw myself as a child back at sunnyhurst apartments looking up at the doorway alone. I saw myself after I was kidnapped living in those apartments just off of exit 8W, and I was sad and alone then too. I saw myself in Florida when I was 8 in lots altos, sad and alone. It was in this moment I hugged my inner child, and tried to tell her she wasn’t alone. It was in this moment my inner child sobbed, because the very thing I did was the very thing I craved my mother doing but could no longer receive.

This ceremony has peeled away another layer of the onion, and just like an onion, intensity towards tears is starting to unfold. All morning I’ve been dealing with difficult emotions related to reactive-attachment wounding. I did a healing love wounds meditation and it touched the very experience Im coping with now.

This hurt… This hurt so much, but in a good way. I was anywhere between 8 and 10 when I felt this way… Tense in the shoulders, swelling of the throat, furrowed brows, clenched fists, and a wrecking ball in the pit of my stomach. I just happened to be in touch with similar emotions when I decided to do this meditation. I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone in… I got angry and promised myself not to let anyone in to protect myself; I hated the world and the world hated me because at least in this way I won’t feel sad and scared when shame and disappointment arises. What new promises can I make to myself? What new messages can I put in? At this point I’m not 100% sure, but I know it needs to include embracing my inner child and asking for guidance and forgiveness. This will be the path towards success.

This is what I wrote in my meditation journal… Even now I feel this, and there’s a small snse of anxiety, but not by much… It’s anger. It’s intense, and even though I physically feel this anger, I emotionally feel a sense of despair. I know I’m on the right path, and I need to continue forward.

The moment I got my color deck, I knew I needed to draw the rainbow and pearl cards. I didn’t remember what the meaning was, and I wasn’t sure if I would trust my instinct, but I pulled them anyway. Using my energy I pulled the orange and yellow cards as well. I don’t have the booklet on me but I know the pearl is to connect with the divine, yellow is access innovate thinking, orange was to nurture myself, and rainbow was to connect with nature. Rainbow also connects me to the chakras, and I’m going back to my chakra book to reread it.  While meditating and doing spell work I noticed how tight my back was, and with all the weight I’ve been losing, I should probably start doing yoga again and running since it would help a lot. I just wish I had energy at night, but if it’s the only time I have on work days, I should make constructive use of it.

Synonymous


Love is terrifying.

In one of those free-association activities in the love yourself heal your life workbook, I recognized my own apprehension to answer certain sections… They have one on men, women, sex, money… Then love. I did the one on love and out of nowhere I donged on me… love is terrifying. Then the blog post from yesterday crept up on me. I’m terrified of being loved because somehow, it’s painful. It’s why I can’t handle being touched.

This makes me so sad… Incredibly sad… Profoundly sad… Sadness.

I Love You, and I am Listening


Place one hand over your heart, and the other over your stomach. Breathe deeply for just a minute, and say to yourself

“I love you, and I am listening”.

What was the impact?

I was doing a guided meditation and was promoted to do this, noticing my internal reactions… It was strange to me. A deep chasm opened up inside of me… Something was contained therein, almost like a crater that sunk deeper each time I said it, and was filled with some mysterious dark liquid or heavy gas that I was unable to identify. It resonated with me somehow in order to have had the impact it did, but I don’t understand what I was feeling. It wasn’t uplifting… It was dark, kinda sad, and heavy, but still, it resonated.

Attempting to look deeper I realized that this chasm inside of me is ultimately space… A space that needs to be filled. This space is making room for something, and I won’t know what it is unless I keep going. 

I wonder though… In my last mental health post, I explored my relationship with my need for control and how that creates safety… But this chasm…  Which I can only assume is meant to be filled with self-love… Is that the counter-balance for control? Is the cure for control this chasm?

I truly don’t know, just speculation on my part. I was working out of Louise L Hays workbook for love yourself, heal your life, and the very first subject it has you address is the concept of “deserving” and the illusion it sort of presents… It challenged me to think of what I believe I’m undeserving of and the falsehood contained therein… I wrote love. I feel I am undeserving of love inherently and wholly. This prompted me to my tattoo on my left forearm… It says 

“The fact that I exist means that I am worth loving.” 

It strips away the concept of deserving, but I always related it to a concept of otherness, not myself. Other people should love me because I exist, pure and simple – not that people HAVE too, but if I’m gonna let you into my life and have such a deep impact, then love should be there… I deserve to feel loved, but never really applied it to myself. I deserve to love myself because I exist. It feels so foreign on some level…

Again, I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on the right track.

Fuckable Strangers 

I had a dream… Well, an sexual fantasy, but it was a little… Strange to say the least. 


I don’t remember the whole of the dream, just the intensity of it. I was standing in line somewhere looking to place an order for something, and I was with a random group of friends I didn’t know. Suddenly I feel someone rubbing the right side of my thigh and my butt. Rather than being pissed and thinking “creeper”, I turn around to find its some highly attractive male pretending to itch his own leg and there just happened to be very little distance between us which “forced” him to touch me…

That ability to be so damn clever, bold, and brash turned me the fuck on in such a HUGE way. I looked up at his eyes and gave him a smirk letting him know I wanted more, and liked it. He took that look in que and as I stepped forward 1 step he slid in behind me so that my back was now flush against his chest, and I could feel grinding up against me was the hardest errection I’d ever encountered. I tilted my head back and he give me a gentle and possessive kiss – it was like a fire had just errupted in me, and I wanted him bad, and I wanted him now. 

This must have been the point I woke up thanks to my son cause nothing happened after that kiss, but damn did I want him.

In hindsight what he did was almost like a wild animal marking his mate the way he rubbed up on me in public, and I’m baffled that rather than screaming “pervert” I indulged in it. >.>’ Strange…

You’re Not Being Abandoned


To My Younger Self,

The one whose wounded…

The one whose scarred…

The one who’s afraid you’re going to be unloved the whole of your life…

It’s okay. I’m working on us. They aren’t your parents, they aren’t your family, and it’s my job to heal your wounds and let you know that. 

I’m sorry you hurt every time they walk out. I’m sorry it feels like they’re sneaking around you – I promise you they’re not.

Things are getting better, one day at a time, one step at a time. You don’t need to hate yourself for feeling wounded. It’s not your fault you were abandoned and abused. It’s not your fault. It never was and it never will be. 

It’s okay to feel this. You need too. You feel left out because I locked you out, and it hurts every time you see that door… Afraid you’re being locked out, afraid they’re gonna walk out… But you know what? Let them. They have their own lives, and we have our own to work on. We can have fun too. We can talk too. We can be meaningful and do meaningful things. You don’t need their light because it’s only going to mislead you; we need to find our own light and let it shine. 

It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not a child anymore, and you’re now a grown-up… So to my inner child, the one who feels stung, bruised, slapped, kicked, and abandoned… Please… You’re okay. It’s okay. We’re okay. 

Just grieve…

Be that lighthouse. 

Become one within me. 

Breathe. 

Controlling others won’t heal your loss, but grieving will. 

Breathe…. Just breathe. 

Practicing Loving Kindness

I need to remember everyone is struggling with something, and not just struggling, but deeply.


With this context, I can (hopefully) reduce some of the internal tension I feel when doing the loving kindness mantra. I feel the positive energy when I send it to all beings, and its strongest at that point; I wish I could feel that same energy towards myself. 

It’s supposed to rain in a little while, so a ritual bath to clean my energies and collecting rain water for spell casting should be in order, and I’ve cleaned up my room for the most part to provide comfort, concentration, and space for my room. Selenite… I should use that too since I connect with that stone the most. 


I’m starting to feel depressed and I’m not sure why… Anxious too. 

*sigh* despite everything, I know I’m heading in the right direction. It’s just tough. I need to put messages into myself to counterbalance all the material I read on codependency; thank god for Louise L Hay materials…

A Slave to Control


I’m either an enabler who can’t say anything or a control freak for opening my mouth – that’s how I feel. I feel trapped over the stupidest shit, and in the end I know it’s because I use control to prevent anger outbursts because that’s the defective wall I hide behind versus saying I’m vulnerable, but where’s the room for me to say that in this situation?

It was shaming, blaming, and “no I’m not willing to talk about this” crap. I’m trying to turn it inward and ask myself where the panic comes from, where the emotions come from, and all I know is that my fear of being controlling starts with my mom from raising her children and needing to maintain the household (effectively losing my childhood), and my fear of not being able to speak up and therefor give in to enabling comes from living with my dad. He was so micromanaging that if I spoke up I’d be punished, so shut the fuck up and get it done. I’d ask him why something needs to be done and the answer was to get in my face and retort “because I said so.”

I hate myself for feeling so unbalanced, for feeling the need for control beyond a healthy limit – it mirrors codependency so damn much…. Then the moment I meditate I lose the ability to process the emotion. I do practice “rain” and attempt to re-parent my inner child by talking to my emotions as the were their own entity because in a very real way they are; each emotion is an isolation, a frozen state of time that I haven’t processed. Sadness is my early childhood, anger is my preteen/teen years, and somewhere between they evolve. Touching those emotions is touching a fragment of time and I’m shocked – it’s been 10 years since I’ve lived in a state of obsession under my parents roof, recalling every wrong, replaying every detail, and I walked away from it because I figured out it was hurting me more than it was helping, but damn… This would have been easier to deal with 10 years ago….

I’m speechless within myself, unable to conclude where to end this inner dialogue… Something feels so incomplete and I don’t know what it is.