Tag Archives: race

Beware the Fatties

For the first time ever I went on a 5k run. More than that, I ran at a hefty 240 pounds. The weight I lost 2 years ago slowly crept up on me, and now I’m fighting the same weight loss battle. More than that however, I had a break through moment running in that race.

I did 3.1 miles in 54 minutes, and I didn’t come in last. The reason? There was a mother with her 7 year old daughter with her behind me. The mother was thin, and I’m pretty sure if not for the daughter, I would have been last. In truth, I feel like I came in last place despite being technically second to last. It doesn’t matter though.

In truth, I am first and foremost PROUD of myself for running/walking in that race on the 1st. It was on my bucket list and I got it done, despite wishing it would end quicker. Second, I do want to participate in some sort of fitness/fun community, whether it be runners, bicyclers, hikers, or something else. I REALLY want fitness to be part of my lifestyle, and it was with that statement that I had my breakthrough.

I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do amazing fitness based activities like hike Mount Washington or go rock climbing, but I look at myself and think “I can’t. I’m too fat.” As far as rock climbing goes that’s probably realistic…. but a 5K or hiking? A 5K or any race of any kind was also in the “I can’t do it-too fat” list. My break through wasn’t my “I did it” moment, but my ability to realize how society conformed my identity as “a fat person”. I’ve recently been an avid believer in stating “I have fat” versus “I am fat”, whereas saying “I am fat” co-insides with my identity, but I didn’t know how it played on my identity… until just then. I allowed society to dictate what I can or cannot do as a fat person, thereby feeling even more helpless. More than once I’ve received hate letters from anti-fat people with images of Dr. Phil saying “You’re Fat. Don’t sugar coat the truth cause you’ll eat that too”, as well as anti-bbw images spreading hate for people with fat. Its amazing how discrimination for people with fat is rising, but in my moment of clarity when I realized all this negativity became a part of who I was, I finally said “no more”. My “I can’t do it” mentality was driven by how others dictated me based on my weight.

My goal or New Year Resolution is not to “loose weight”; I’ve been saying that for years and it got my very little, despite my best efforts. My goal this year is to enjoy life, and for me, that includes fitness based activities that I can have fun with. I wan’t to have fun and be who I am deep down inside. I love hiking, I’ve always wanted to rock climb, I want to run, I want to bicycle through the mountains and take pictures… I want to do a lot of these awesome fitness based activities, and all this time I allowed myself to be dragged down and say “I cant”. In truth, I can, and this time it’s about shedding a few internal layers of pain, and growing from the inside out, without the dictation of what others have to say.

Since the race, I’ve made time to hit the gym every day at 5am before work, and go to bed early for it. Because I have a car now and don’t walk everywhere, I realized how much my muscles have deteriorated because of it over the course of 2 months. I use to be able to do 40 minutes on the machines, and now I can do 20. For now, the objective is to increase my time by 5 minutes every week, so in the next few days, I’m gonna stick to 25 minutes, then 30 the week after, and so on till I hit an hour. I want to have fun and live life this year. I want to experience the joy that comes with it. I feel renewed in my objective and delighted with my direction. Naturally the weight will come off, but its not about the weight at it’s core, its about life and fun.

Sorry, but I just had to share…

Yep, that's me!
Yep, that’s me!

Digging in my Closet (Dreams from May)

Hey guys,

So I was looking through some old documents on my computer trying to find a phone number, when I had totally forgotten I had a dream folder I started in May, prior to starting this blog. I figured I share them with you. I dont remember the one with my ex, but I do remember the baby one. That was horrifying.

5/2/12
“What an awful nightmare… I was chased around by these 2 black guys trying to rape me. They asked me to get in their car thinking I was a hooker and I said no. I run through a beaten path in the middle of the woods. I loose guy number 1, but guy number 2 is hot on my track. I find a white house in the middle of the woods. I didn’t bother to knock cause the lights were on, so someone was awake and willing to listen. I burst through the back door into the kitchen, slam it, and no sooner had I turned around when he follows me in and tries to catch me in this random strangers home! I run into the living room where I see a mother and a baby she’s cradling who’s about a month old. Frantic I try to tell her were in danger – but too late. I hear a spray can and the guy is now spraying roach spray in order to kill me, but I ran away. I watched in my minds eye however as he proceeds to spray the baby in the face with roach killer – and the mother didn’t struggle. She was in shock and horror. Turns out the black man trying to rape me was this guy’s wife, and the baby he killed was theirs.”

 

5/16/12

“Aris and I were at my house and he was doing random shit. First he was over for miscellaneous reasons, then he took off, then he came back in a brand new high power sports car, which he then proceeded to race someone in the parking lot with. The other guy slid and slammed his breaks, and aris proceeded to drift past him within centimeters of the cars slamming each other. Supposedly he scratched him with that top tail fender thing but I didn’t see anything. Anyway, Aris was amused and thankful for the good time and offered to pay for the tiny scratch – which was nothing more than paint coming off on his end onto this other guys car. No dents.

We all go back into my house where they proceed to chill and chat in the kitchen discussing their choice in sports cars. I was about to leave again to head to market basket, but as I rounded the corner out the front door, the other guy asked if he had plans later. Aris said yes, with some other woman. Typical me I hung my head low and walked straight back into the kitchen sulking and panicked. Aris was fiddling around with some cheese for a sandwich at this point, and I needed a hug from disappointment. I waited for him to come and comfort me, but instead he gave me this awful smirk, knowing he hurt me and doesn’t care – he enjoys it (yes I get that smirk in real life.) Instead the other guy comes up towards me to grab a drink behind me. Seeing my sorrow the stranger proceeds to embrace me… to fulfill the need I had for a hug and nurturing  I reject him because I don’t know him very well, and because I found myself in a mix of emotions. I was flattered, admiring him, and upset for touching me when he never asked me if it was okay. He let me go and wandered off to get that drink. I felt embarrassed then because he lived here at the same complex, and I rejected him when he was trying to be kind. I wondered if he would try something like that again. Aris finally gets up and proceeds to give me the hug that I needed, but also hugging me from behind instead of my front. I can’t bury my face in his chest. Then we start talking again in our usual “I’m not fighting, but tensions are there” styles.
What sucks was when I started typing this, the conversation was fresh and I knew what he said.
Amazing what 5 minutes can do. 😦 Damn.”

mountain climber