Tag Archives: Rage

Dropping Tears of Rage to the Floor


My dream starts off in a dim cafeteria that only has small windows towards the top of the double story ceiling to provide any light; I’m volunteering through hannaford by servicing people in need when I hear a familiar voice “I wanna see carol, I miss her so much.” I’d recognize that pouty voice anywhere since I served her for almost 3 years as her team leader. I come rushing around the corner and give becky a huge hug and begin cry my eyes out with her on her shoulder, saying I’m sorry over and over again. Danielle, my supervisor at hannafords, looks on fondly.

Later I run into my former boss Sarah, and ask her how I can help out. She hands me a box of gift cards to be stocked from local stores and restaurants, mostly from outback steak house. I dropped the box as I’m walking away and they all spread across the floor; the box is no longer usable. I organize the cards in piles and pick them back up, and drop them again, but they remain mostly in the piles I put them in. I put them away and look to the back of the room… That’s when I see her… Gina. She now drops something and I go over to help her pick it up. She doesnt know I’m here and doesn’t make eye contact, so in my generosity there’s a spiteful “fuck you I’m nice” element. “Kill them with kindness” comes to mind.

“Oh im so glad you guys are here. The work you all do is wonderful; you guys should come work for us” she says with a faux simper.

“Sorry, but I already did that once before, and I’ll never do it again.”

She finally looks at me and I’m beaming at her. She’s stunned, and I continue on holding on to my power and a slow simmering rage towards her to exert my dominance, tell her how much I love my job now, and how much it’s a shame that I’ll never work for such a terrible employer again. Gina struggles to find a snarky comment, and I leave before she gets the chance.

This time I’ve given a clothing donation to take care of,  but to my horror my dirty shirt and 2 pairs of underwear are among them! I’m trying desperately to conceal them by wrapping them up in a bundle, but they keep falling out and the stack gets bigger and heavier. Gina walks by and snarks “you should be more careful next time” with a smirk on her face. I ignore her and make it sound as if I can’t hear her. I brush it off and pick myself back up, not wanting to be phased.

In the next row I hear someone say “oh look, it’s carol Simpson! Oh, never mind, you’re too tall! Ha ha ha” when I look I see Ellen had said that to Bee in gest as a way of making fun of me. “Oh fuck you” I scream at the top of my lungs, but no one hears me or cares in a room crawling with people. I storm off and try to center myself.

I’m outside and near a body of water I think, but before me buried in sand is a bunch of stones – onyx, hemetite, jasper, sun stone, moon stone… And these are all mine! They’re from my bedroom! My brother Jim is nearby, and where he’s stolen from me before I furiously storm up and confront him. “DID YOU TAKE MY STONES” I screm at full force. Jim can’t take ownership of what he’s done, and mom and big Jim are now standing to my left. “Just tell her you did it” mom says, since jims face is now twisted with embarrassment and guilt. He says he did, and I launch into a speech asking him why he feels it’s okay to treat me like shit and disrespecting me through my belongings, but most importantly those are healing stones, and he tried to sabotage my ability to heal in stealing them.

Just then my mother snarks “ironic isn’t it; now you know how I feel.” She was referring to when I was 14 I had stolen from her, but when I tried to explain to her that was different cause little jim is now an adult, big Jim (his dad) steps in and says something, but I don’t remember what it was. I know I threw my hand up in a “stop” gesture, and told him I didn’t give a shit what someone as abusive and negligent as him has to say; what I do know is that I was seething with rage.

Suddenly there’s a restaurant dining room connected too the home kitchen I’m standing in, and I’m screaming at mom and Jim, but they don’t care and disregard me as crazy and irrational with a whole restaurant of people judging me silently and taking my moms side. I felt like telling people off in that moment and defending myself as not crazy, but I chose to ignore them instead, pretending the kitchen is a barrier that keeps me safe from the crowd of diners. Little Jim never apologized, and I don’t recover all my stones from the beach; there was one in particular that has gone missing and I start contemplating making Jim pay me back or just buy me a new one.

A Job for Life

I’m at my former place of employment – Yangtze, and I’m begging for a job from Moe. I feel incredibly small… almost half his height; in real life however he’s only about 2 or 3 inches taller than me. He seems somewhat kinder and fatter than he use to be, but I don’t question it. He listens attentively to me and responds both kindly and favorably; then just as he was about to give me the okay to start working, the entire Yangtze crew of waitresses interjects between me and the boss. The odd thing is I don’t know any of them, but they all “know” me. The first girl is heavy set, snooty, and has dirty blonde hair; you can tell she smokes and drinks heavily from the condition of her skin and teeth. Anyway, she pipes in to speak against me and tells Moe I shouldn’t be hired back because they all had too many problems with me. Calmly and rationally, I confronted her and told her to tell me the problems she had with me, stating “I can’t take ownership or responsibility for my actions until you tell me what I did wrong.” She was dumb struck but trying to keep her composure, so I said “go ahead, tell me what I did wrong, and then I can tell you what you did wrong.” I heard this kind of “Oooo” in the background and “psh” off to the side. Obviously I was pissed. Here I am begging for a job because my life and my sons life is on the line, and then this bitch who doesn’t even know me decides to step in and dictate my life? Who the hell does she think she is!?! Never the less they all disperse and I kind of wander around the restaurant waiting for a response from Moe. Then another waitress steps forward and decides to “inform “me whats “wrong” with me, without actually telling me whats wrong. She was my height, black hair, African American, medium thickness with her weight; actually she was very pretty. She told me I should just leave because I’m gonna screw everyone over. I told her “I dont even know you!!! Who are you to say anything?”, but she just kept telling me I suck, I’m gonna screw everyone over, I should leave, etc… She finally leaves and I walk back over to Moe. He WAS going to give me the job, but now because of the waitresses, and my less than flattering performance on saying I was gonna tell the other waitress whats wrong with her, he decides he doesn’t want to anymore. I break-down in a hard, heavy, and painful cry, trying to keep it as quiet as possible which made the intensity worse. The only thing that ran through me was the feeling that dictation between life and death was made for me and my son; we had no hope. Moe saw me sobbing and he visibly felt bad, but had made up his mind. The dream ends.

o311401

Negativity

It started off with my ex. It’s fragmented at this point, but I remember being very angry at him. I remember him hitting on me, and my skin crawled. I was on the outside looking in, trying to warn some woman about how bad he was – but she didn’t listen. He was manipulative and deceiving – I couldn’t stand it.

Then I remember being with someone I thought was a friend. She was dyeing her hair purple, and I thought it was awesome. I turn around and look for the blue dye so I can do the same in this over-sized beauty store. I couldn’t find any, so I look for the next best thing – hair chalk. Sadly there was none at all. I wandered around and heard no response when asking people if they knew if the store had some. Oh well – defeated I walk back to my friend and settle on a red color. I get the stuff in my hair and wait a little bit, then walk to some random person working there and ask for my hair to be rinsed out. As I play with my hair real quick I noticed a big thick blob of blue hair dye, so I work it into the rest of my hair real quick and also got it purple. Once I was happy I sit in the chair for her to rinse it and instead, she grabs a huge pair of kitchen sheers and starts to cut it straight along the back. When I tried to move she pinned me, so I pushed her and jumped out. “WHAT THE HELL” I screamed, “Why did you do that!?!” “Because I didn’t like it. No one should be wearing bright colors like that in their hair; it’s unnatural.” I felt around the back and she didnt get all my hair. I was crushed; it looked like a mullet now. I run back and tell my friend what happened and so we approach her together. We tell her we’re rinsing out my hair and she said no, so I beat the shit out of her. I was fuming, and I couldn’t help it. Normally I’m not like this in real life, and I’m rather ashamed to be typing it out even if it was just a dream. :-/

Short-purple-hair-color

Digging in my Closet (Dreams from May)

Hey guys,

So I was looking through some old documents on my computer trying to find a phone number, when I had totally forgotten I had a dream folder I started in May, prior to starting this blog. I figured I share them with you. I dont remember the one with my ex, but I do remember the baby one. That was horrifying.

5/2/12
“What an awful nightmare… I was chased around by these 2 black guys trying to rape me. They asked me to get in their car thinking I was a hooker and I said no. I run through a beaten path in the middle of the woods. I loose guy number 1, but guy number 2 is hot on my track. I find a white house in the middle of the woods. I didn’t bother to knock cause the lights were on, so someone was awake and willing to listen. I burst through the back door into the kitchen, slam it, and no sooner had I turned around when he follows me in and tries to catch me in this random strangers home! I run into the living room where I see a mother and a baby she’s cradling who’s about a month old. Frantic I try to tell her were in danger – but too late. I hear a spray can and the guy is now spraying roach spray in order to kill me, but I ran away. I watched in my minds eye however as he proceeds to spray the baby in the face with roach killer – and the mother didn’t struggle. She was in shock and horror. Turns out the black man trying to rape me was this guy’s wife, and the baby he killed was theirs.”

 

5/16/12

“Aris and I were at my house and he was doing random shit. First he was over for miscellaneous reasons, then he took off, then he came back in a brand new high power sports car, which he then proceeded to race someone in the parking lot with. The other guy slid and slammed his breaks, and aris proceeded to drift past him within centimeters of the cars slamming each other. Supposedly he scratched him with that top tail fender thing but I didn’t see anything. Anyway, Aris was amused and thankful for the good time and offered to pay for the tiny scratch – which was nothing more than paint coming off on his end onto this other guys car. No dents.

We all go back into my house where they proceed to chill and chat in the kitchen discussing their choice in sports cars. I was about to leave again to head to market basket, but as I rounded the corner out the front door, the other guy asked if he had plans later. Aris said yes, with some other woman. Typical me I hung my head low and walked straight back into the kitchen sulking and panicked. Aris was fiddling around with some cheese for a sandwich at this point, and I needed a hug from disappointment. I waited for him to come and comfort me, but instead he gave me this awful smirk, knowing he hurt me and doesn’t care – he enjoys it (yes I get that smirk in real life.) Instead the other guy comes up towards me to grab a drink behind me. Seeing my sorrow the stranger proceeds to embrace me… to fulfill the need I had for a hug and nurturing  I reject him because I don’t know him very well, and because I found myself in a mix of emotions. I was flattered, admiring him, and upset for touching me when he never asked me if it was okay. He let me go and wandered off to get that drink. I felt embarrassed then because he lived here at the same complex, and I rejected him when he was trying to be kind. I wondered if he would try something like that again. Aris finally gets up and proceeds to give me the hug that I needed, but also hugging me from behind instead of my front. I can’t bury my face in his chest. Then we start talking again in our usual “I’m not fighting, but tensions are there” styles.
What sucks was when I started typing this, the conversation was fresh and I knew what he said.
Amazing what 5 minutes can do. 😦 Damn.”

mountain climber

Teachers of Revenge

I’m going to school, and the school itself has changed. It’s a fusion of my college and my son’s elementary school. Sy has daycare at “our” school now, and its a woman who looks almost the same as his primary teacher, along with a few teachers aids. After I’ve dropped him off in the classroom I turn around after shutting the door and see a loud mouth gossiper who’s my “friend” in this dream. She’s a short older grey haired woman in a darker grey sweater and black jeans. I say hi real quick and walk off to class, but forget where the class is located (I think) and wander back. There’s a door open, and the gossiping woman and my son’s teacher are talking in a closet and the “friend” starts to lie to her, saying how I’ve been telling people that I’ve been working hard in the classroom with my son; So in an effort to “help,” she tells my son’s teacher that I should have a job in the classroom, and possibly take her job. I stop her nonsense talk right then and there in a state of panic and fury, and interrupt them to clarify I never said any of this. All I said was that I volunteered in the classroom once, but wasn’t very helpful at all. As I said this, I looked at the teacher first, and placed my hand on her shoulder to try and validate my point. She was in the classroom, so she would know; then I look at my “friend” and glare at her. She’s embarrassed as fuck, and the teacher is pissed. The teacher stormed out of the closet leaving me upset and worried.

Later I’m in another classroom and I’m forced to stop what I’m doing. I’m bound and gagged by a bunch of women. They held me down, straw in my mouth, and forced me to over dose on cough medicine to try and kill me. It doesn’t work as planed. I pass out, but still breathing, so they send me to a torture room to have me killed in maple syrup  I’m lying on this metal grid with large circles in it, and it starts to raise. Syrup floods the room and starts to boil. I feel uncomfortable and roll over – a little to close to the edge to the point of falling in. Just then I’m rescued by a bunch of other teachers who actually work with the police, figured out “Leanne” – the teacher did it, and am healed back to normal. I give a statement and ask for a follow up report, but it turns out they’re not going to bring her to justice. I was pissed! In the end the police dropped me off outside the school, which is now located somewhere random in the middle of Dover. I realize all that drama made me miss 24 hours of class, but whats worse – where has my son been for the past 24 hours? I freak out and run around looking for him, but to no avail. I walk back to the school to try and find him there but I cant find the school now.  I look for a cop to help me but none of them are out driving.

I’m ready to cry. I miss my son.

I wake up

Thieves & Jacuzzis

I had a weird dream… or rather, 2 dreams. I was in this Indian/American community on vacation with my family. It started off with this little girl named maya, nick named danny, who was 3 years old. She was swinging from her second story window on trees like a monkey would to try and peak into our window. I thought she was being curious and it was rather cute, though terrifying. From here things went dead wrong.

Minutes later I heard the sound of someone breaking in, and I found some rugged overweight guy trying to steal the cables to my mothers cell phones for starters. I grabbed a broom and started hitting him, but it had no real effect. Just like in other dreams when I hit people, there’s no real impact, and often times my arms feel sore, as if to suggest I couldnt weild my “broom of doom.” As a result, he kept going, though slowly because of my attacks.

From there his family broke in and I found out the little girl in the trees was a spy for the neighbors next door, who were in fact the perpetrators. I guess the way we got our vacation home from the vacation agency was that these neighbors contract out the house to make a profit, and they turn around and use that as a means of theft, because they know when people will be staying.

Upon discovering this I grabbed a bat and tried beating them all up, and I finally did some damage  not enough to kill or make them bleed, but enough to stop them in the house from being able to steal or leave. After I tried to called the police, but the phone line didnt go out to them because of the high poverty level, meaning the phone lines didn’t connect that far out. So I ran outside and found a jewish temple about to start worship. I ran to a group of what looked like church leaders and bowed down before them in respect, which took them by surprised. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, especially since I thought I self identified as christian in the dream, but I needed help and I needed it now! What surprised me is that they understood English and spoke it fluently. I told them someone broke into our house while we were on vacation and that we needed the police. They said sure and called on our behalf.

When I got back in the house the criminals had tried to conceal their identities by making themselves useful by cooking breakfast and cleaning the house. It also looked as if my parents had “forgiven” them because they were doing their own thing by making pancakes. I tried one and noticed they weren’t my brothers recipe, and therefore, they messed it up. It needed more cinnamon, but they were still tasty though.

This is when things really changed in my dream.

I went into one of the rooms in the house, which turned into a downstairs, which turned into another dream I’ve had in the past of being in a community college/high school and trying to find the jacuzzis down there. I had no idea how that happened, but it was weird. For the first time in ages I found one, though not the Jacuzzi I usually try to find in my dreams. It was REALLY pretty because is was made to look like a pond with tiny specks of LED lights on the floor that reminded me of stars or firefly’s  The lights above were dim to look like night time and there were fake rocks and lily pads to the edges of the Jacuzzi. The walls were painted a nice scenery with optic fiber lights to contrast the painted sky on the wall, and there was ambient noises of crickets chirping and waving grass. It was truly quite amazing, but I didn’t get to enjoy it. When I walked in I realized I didnt have a towel or bathing suite. The bathing suite didnt bother me so much cause I can just go in nude, but to come out dripping wet and throw my clothes on just didnt seem like a good idea. I left and lost the room, just like I ALWAYS do! In previous dreams I either never find it, or I find the room, forget something, leave, and lose the room.

Moving on, I go looking for my towel and end up at some really nice room that I assume is mine. Don’t know if it’s a hotel room or modified classroom, but it was nice. I recognized my roommates were the extreme teens, and Mama Chris was there. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I think it was needing my towel to use the Jacuzzi and she should join us, but she kindly declined. The next problem was I couldn’t find my towel because there were massive heaps of clothes lying on the floor that I had to dig through, and not all the clothes were mine. A lot of it belonged to my bunk-mates  and I couldn’t tell if it was clean or dirty. I told myself “screw it” and made my way back for a dip, but to no avail. Finally I wake up.

I gotta admit, thats my first time remembering 2 dreams at one like that, AND I got them down on my computer.