Today I received my rejection letter for a position I had applied for internally for the organization I have come to love. At first I cried… I couldn’t help it. I thought I had sold myself so well, but yet I didn’t get the job… what had I done wrong?
Turns out, I did nothing wrong. What really happened is the woman who was responsible for the Maine responsibilities, and the only one knowledgeable in that department to train me had given her notice; this meant that there was no one available to train me, and they could only hire someone with previous experience working for Maine.
On the one hand I was put at ease, and when asked if there was something I had done differently during the interview, there was one slight misunderstanding about my paperwork, but it had no real bearing on it. The fact that I in truth would have landed this position put me at ease, but I still feel like the value of my worth, and my potential to transform this organization has not been utilized. Additionally, I can’t continue to survive on the income I’m receiving. If something doesn’t give, I’ll be forced to leave, and I really can’t do that….
Instead after much thought and some inspiration from my friend Trevor, I have finally got a solid plan to create my own position, as well as growth for my coworkers, and tonight I’ll be typing up the business proposal. Even as I conceptualize this though, I’m deeply wounded and crying for not getting the job. In the end however, before going to my interview, I spoke with Gina and made it clear that two paths lay before me: I can build the organization from the ground up in Sanford, or I can find ways to repair the problems here in Portsmouth; I don’t know where I’m more valuable however, and what my place/purpose is. I guess this rejection comes with a heavy heart, but it’s steering me in the right direction. I really hope my idea is solid and strong enough to be the solutions this organization needs to continue to benefit our clients.
I’m at my former place of employment – Yangtze, and I’m begging for a job from Moe. I feel incredibly small… almost half his height; in real life however he’s only about 2 or 3 inches taller than me. He seems somewhat kinder and fatter than he use to be, but I don’t question it. He listens attentively to me and responds both kindly and favorably; then just as he was about to give me the okay to start working, the entire Yangtze crew of waitresses interjects between me and the boss. The odd thing is I don’t know any of them, but they all “know” me. The first girl is heavy set, snooty, and has dirty blonde hair; you can tell she smokes and drinks heavily from the condition of her skin and teeth. Anyway, she pipes in to speak against me and tells Moe I shouldn’t be hired back because they all had too many problems with me. Calmly and rationally, I confronted her and told her to tell me the problems she had with me, stating “I can’t take ownership or responsibility for my actions until you tell me what I did wrong.” She was dumb struck but trying to keep her composure, so I said “go ahead, tell me what I did wrong, and then I can tell you what you did wrong.” I heard this kind of “Oooo” in the background and “psh” off to the side. Obviously I was pissed. Here I am begging for a job because my life and my sons life is on the line, and then this bitch who doesn’t even know me decides to step in and dictate my life? Who the hell does she think she is!?! Never the less they all disperse and I kind of wander around the restaurant waiting for a response from Moe. Then another waitress steps forward and decides to “inform “me whats “wrong” with me, without actually telling me whats wrong. She was my height, black hair, African American, medium thickness with her weight; actually she was very pretty. She told me I should just leave because I’m gonna screw everyone over. I told her “I dont even know you!!! Who are you to say anything?”, but she just kept telling me I suck, I’m gonna screw everyone over, I should leave, etc… She finally leaves and I walk back over to Moe. He WAS going to give me the job, but now because of the waitresses, and my less than flattering performance on saying I was gonna tell the other waitress whats wrong with her, he decides he doesn’t want to anymore. I break-down in a hard, heavy, and painful cry, trying to keep it as quiet as possible which made the intensity worse. The only thing that ran through me was the feeling that dictation between life and death was made for me and my son; we had no hope. Moe saw me sobbing and he visibly felt bad, but had made up his mind. The dream ends.