Tag Archives: relationships

My 2017 Tarot Spread

I did my first ever Tarot reading today, and it was amazing! I asked what the year had in store for me based on the areas the spread provides, and after a good deal of time spent reading the meaning of the cards and interpreting them, this was what I had.

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Aries: Persona – The Moon

“Someone or something is not as it seems. There is a risk here that you are being lied too. Take another look at the situation and ask more questions.”

At first I was confused… “How does this relate to persona?” Then it hit me like a lightning bolt. With my self-esteem issues, people who are closest to me do the most amount of damage when there is a problem. The balance of power in myself is off, and I believe what this is really calling for is boundary work for 2017. Because this is the first card I read, and the last one I was able to interpret, it made a lot of sense, especially as the cards continued to unfold.

Taurus: Creature Comforts – The World

“Great success in all areas of life. Total success and contentment are available to you now.”

In this case I looked at creature comforts as another way of saying “self-care”; in other words, as long as I’m working on myself and accepting why its okay to indulge, spoil, and take care of me, this will increase my chances of success in all areas of my life.

Gemini: Social Life – Page of Pentacles

“News or information about security is coming my way.This may be winning money, a birthday gift, or a small inheritance. It may be getting a new job or getting a pay raise.”

Where I’ll be getting a vehicle soon I had planned on getting a new job, and with that it should expand my social circle, as well increase my income. In conjunction with my career card, I see it making the most amount of sense.

Cancer: Home Life – The Hanged Man

“The Hanged Man is about letting go & surrendering to experience and emotional release. Things may be in a rut or not going as you’d hoped, but accept what it is, and giving up control. The Hanged man calls you to reverse your view of the world and see something in a new way; a shifting state of mind.”

Considering everything that went down last year this is an especially powerful card that’s self-explanatory.

Leo: Creativity – The Ace of Swords

“Victory and triumph will come with hard work. Working alone will give you the satisfaction of reward for your efforts.”

Maybe this year I can perfect some of my music or artistic skills into my self-care needs.

Virgo: Health – Hierophant

I found the answer to what this card means to be pretty hilarious in a way, simply because of it’s literal meaning and… well… simplicity!

“This card shows the need to seek out professional advice from doctors, lawyers, and financial advisers. Alternatively, any ritualistic service that is performed under the eyes and jurisdiction of the Church, such as marriage, christenings, or divorce.”

In other word, so be afraid to seek out help this year with regards to any element of my health. Words of wisdom.

Libra: Love Life – Eight of Swords

“There are restrictions in your ability to get on with life freely. This could include a possessive partner, growing up with parents who have a severely strict outlook on life, or being restricted through disability, culture, pregnancy, or faith.”

The art work on the card and the way the artist also presents it in the Shadowscapes deck, she adds her own personal interpretation in conjunction with the traditional meanings that are provided. The picture is of a swan tangled in blackberry hedges. She says “It is easy to freeze up in a crisis – to feel restricted, confused, powerless, and trapped by circumstance – but there is always a way out if you take a moment to breathe and reassess.”

Surprisingly both my horoscope and this are predicting love may be on the horizon for 2017. I take this card and the Moon Card as a cautionary tale of how I may need to handle myself in such a case.

Scorpio: Transformation – Knight of Pentacles

“Determined to get ahead with ambitions in life, the Knight of Pentacles plans things strategically, knowing how to charge forward and climb the ladders of success. He’s focused and proceeds to continue his steps towards his goals.”

With my nasty habit of procrastination I may need to work on it, since success is laid out before me this year!

Sagittarius: Spiritual Life – Five of Wands

“Communication will be key as disagreements can be a source of learning and growth.”

At first I took this to mean my pagan practices as a witch and the message boards and FB groups I’m in, but then I removed the religious “literalism” (for lack of a better term) from the word Spiritual and expanded it. This goes hand in hand with my health card and a few others, and is expanding into personal growth on all levels of my soul. If it’s one thing I can’t handle it’s disagreements on things I’m passionate about, and will often just block people left and right despite how long I may have known them or their connection with me on Facebook. This is something I’ll have to work on.

Capricorn: Career – Three of Wands

“Pursue new interests or directions in your career. A new path is opening up, and going down this road will bring you good things.This includes higher education, hobbies, or new research.”

Ironic that I’m applying to finish my masters and I get this. Not sure if new direction implies directing away from Hannaford or switching it up to Social Work. I guess I’ll figure it out as I go.

Aquarius: Community – Six of Wands

“You will receive public recognition and admiration from a job well done. Friends and peers will give you support. Enjoy the satisfaction.”

Thats…  pretty incredible! My vision board in dead center has a group of people holding hands toward the sun against the ocean, and I took that to symbolize community. I also recently had a dream too where I was asked by someone at Great Bay Services “What are your long-term goals with this line of work”, and I told them “Something into politics. I wanna reform the system and give these people the help they deserve.” Again, this says social work to me. Doing those random acts of kindness for November and December really made me feel good, and was similar to volunteering to me. I also wanna do something with the SPCA. If I can’t have a cat, then I’ll find another way to take care of them XD.

Pisces: Secrets – Two of Cups & Reverse Two of Cups

Now, the artist of this deck had zero intentions of her cards being interpreted upside down, and as a result, she didn’t provide them. Using my other tarot guide that outlines standard meaning and spreads, it included it. When I had this card in my hand I also had 1 more, and I was feeling out the energies of them (face down) to determine which card should be used. I have no idea how it turned out upside down, but when I flipped it over the same way I did all the others, there it was. I personally don’t think Tarot cards should be read upside down, but the meaning was rather… ironic. The standard Two of Cups is as follows…

“This card shows the forming of an important relationship, built on common interests, friendship, and a higher understanding of adult love and companionship. This connection spans the march of time and develops within you.”

The reverse has this to say…

“This card shows that there is a petty argument that needs to be gotten over. Reconciliation needs to occur.”

There’s a part of me that see the reverse interpretation and thinks about my roommates, but by the same token those were not petty. In addition this card is often reflective of lovers. With love on the horizon for me, this may also go back to my communication/swords card.

Overall I have to say I am blown away by the results of this tarot spread. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I honestly had my doubts about it’s authenticity, but I opened myself to the experience and was amazed at what I saw and the level of authenticity that applies. I’ve been working at recording, translating, and understanding the results for about half of the day on and off, and I’m hopeful to see what the year will unfold for me. ā¤

My vision board explanation will have to wait until tomorrow; I’m wiped. For now it’s pizza, relaxation, and snuggle time with the kiddo.

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The Context of Intimacy


I feel like a manipulative asshole!

I wasn’t trying to BE manipulative, I was just blind to what was going on… Where I have a hard time understanding intimacy apparently, I have to wonder to what degree it exists outside the realms of a romantic relationship – was I asking for too much, or is he fearful of intimacy and in so shamed me without understanding what was going on, and I internalized and adopted his perspective as truth. Everytime this emotion gets kicked up I just wanna flip someone off and lash out a hearty “fuck you” for “making” me feel this way, but in the end I know I’m just trying to deflect the emotion and suppress it. Honestly I just wanted to get to know him better and vice-versa because I thought it was a safe enough friendship to do that… I was never looking for a relationship, and he never said anything to suggest I’d done something wrong, continuing the pain and making it worse. I hate him for that… I hate him for thinking so little of me, and convincing me to see so little of myself, because if I don’t take ownership of his perspective of me then I’m in denial, but if I do then I’m a god-awful human being who was trying to prey on him when I wasn’t… I never was… Yes the boundaries were blurred but I was blind to what he wasn’t telling me…

I have to sit with this emotion, I know I do, but I’m afraid too because again, the perspective I start to carry of myself is that I’m a manipulative bitch, and that damages what little self-esteem I have and makes me even more susceptible to the fragility that could destroy me… Damaging my low self-esteem I don’t believe is the answer, but feeling fragile? Probably. I’m just afraid I’m going to break even more by having such a hateful image of who I am… I know damn well I need to sit with this, I know I do… I just hate myself for feeling this broken. It’s my job to fix this, and I am lost in the moment that I’m unsure how to be enter with myself.

This is what I need to feel I suppose if I’m to break the addiction cycle… I just wish I was better at doing this… At least this book is getting through to me I guess… Half way through facing love addiction and I know I’m gonna need to read it again a devise a way to heal myself.

Anger, panic, loss, trying to regain control when I need to feel this, and I fear I’m in denial but I don’t believe I am… The perfectionist in me wants me to take on more than I can chew, even if it’s not real or not there just to I can work with the emotion, crack harder, fall further, keep hitting rock bottom until I am somehow whole or enlightened and can finally accept everything – no more blind spots or corners veiled in black that I didn’t know existed…

At this point I’m going to have to retreat and meditate for a while to calm down; I shouldn’t be facing this emotion at this time; my roommates are home and I have a kiddo to raise.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck….

Speak

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For the past two days I’ve had so much to say… so much I want to say. The problem was A) I get a whole blog typed and it doesn’t save before it gets lost (thanks wordpress) or I just didn’t have the time.

Yesterday I was so mad…. so mad. The controlling fragment of my ex reared it’s ugly head, and sadly I pulled the trigger in the middle of my anxiety attack. I must remember that one bubble of text on an Iphone can equate to three on his, but I neglected to mention that part. Ever since my birthday all the insecurities he instilled into me have decided to flow upstream through my veins and manifest itself in troubling ways.

I never felt good enough for him.
I always felt inadequate.
Since the beginning he was ashamed of me…
I wish I had had the strength to leave him sooner.

The problem is, you take narcissistic personality disorder (which now no longer exists as of the new DSM) and mix it with someone who has codependency problems, low self-esteem, abandonment issues, culturally abandoned the lifestyle one was brought up in, and is 18, and an entire storm of manipulation occurs. If only the sex hadn’t been so damn good… and that was the problem, especially since he was my first. After years of exploring someone so intimately sex no longer is an act – it’s a craft. Kissing? It’s an art; it’s expressive in both giving and taking. When the physical meets the metaphysical your world shifts on it’s axis.

*sigh* I’ve spent two years hating him and keeping him at a distance through antagonistic measures as a preventative means to ensure he doesn’t get too close…. the problem is I was lying because it wasn’t who I was. I hated acting so bitter and betraying my innermost self, but it felt extremely necessary…. life dependent even. I still want him to have no part in my life, and I don’t want to know what goes on in his…. it infuriates me, and brings up even more garbage from our not-too-distant life. I’ve had a chance to sit and think so hard for two years… once I was ready…. to objectively consider my part, as well as his in the relationship. I know my faults, and I know his (more so because he lacks the ability to look within himself). Everything he does is always circling around his ego. He doesn’t seem to understand empathy, and runs on an entirely selfish modality – I in fact am so much the opposite I have a hard time putting on the breaks so I don’t end up hurting myself…. and that’s where the crux began. When a relationship stops becoming selfless and starts becoming selfish, it fails. Our problem was a lack of mutual reciprocity; I was always give…. he was always take. I was too young, too foolish, too innocent, and too inexperienced to tackle the big dogs…. but I did, and lost in a way that has scarred me for life.

I’ll never forget feeling that way… wanting to die… running to the hospital begging for anti-depressants because I wanted to kill myself. Instead I got 3 anti-anxiety pills under the table from the hospital and never took them. They’re still sitting in my bathroom, though now expired. After all the shit I endured for months prior too, wanting to keep us together after cheating multiple times over and telling everyone I cheated on him instead, I find out that he invited his man/woman lover over to my house to have sex on my bed while I was out getting my psychology degree, desperate to find a way to keep us all together. This was the tipping point. I never wanted to see him again, and I was never the same person again. Thank god “it” said he/she was tipsy and didn’t come over…. more revolting was my son was home, and we share the same bedroom… my bed is in there. There were two major fears I had with my ex and our child… A) He would bring him over to his house where all the fuck-up’s live, and B) He would invite a woman over when I was in school. He did exactly both.

Two months of trauma ensued thereafter once I finally shut the door on him for good, and the silence began. Symptoms that could only be diagnosed as PTSD kicked in, and once the intensity of it all left (and my sanity slowly returned from my mental breakdown) I was left with, and am still left with, and anxiety disorder. I have a panic attack nearly everyday. I regret everyday not leaving him when I had the chance many many years ago. I hate myself for loving him.

Fuck…. I have to get ready for work, and I have him to contend with today. This was more therapeutic then I intended, but now the residue is eating me away šŸ˜¦ Panic attack in 3… 2… 1…

Rattled & Dumb

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I’m hanging out with a coworker and her boyfriend, when I accidentally cause a fight to erupt by giving him a hug. >.>’ I feel horrible, like I’m some kind player caught cheating (though I would assume players wouldn’t feel bad – ever). I apologize, but before I can even get the words out of my mouth she’s turned on her boyfriend for allowing it to happen in the first place. Finally a sorry comes out of my mouth, and I try to make it clear I’m just a hug-seeking sort of person in general (which I am), but thats not an excuse. She pretty much ignores me, they both leave, and I feel shaken and horrified. All I wanted was a hug….. o.O’

In the end the whole thing was a pretty dumb dream, but the residual effect… kinda like going into shock, is whats bothering me.
I know afterwards I join up with “she” and “cher” to get some work done, but it somehow feels patronizing to me…. I end up being annoyed by the end of it,

Digging in my Closet (Dreams from May)

Hey guys,

So I was looking through some old documents on my computer trying to find a phone number, when I had totally forgotten I had a dream folder I started in May, prior to starting this blog. I figured I share them with you. I dont remember the one with my ex, but I do remember the baby one. That wasĀ horrifying.

5/2/12
“What an awful nightmare… I was chased around by these 2 black guys trying to rape me. They asked me to get in their car thinking I was a hooker and I said no. I run through a beaten path in the middle of the woods. I loose guy number 1, but guy number 2 is hot on my track. I find a white house in the middle of the woods. I didn’t bother to knock cause the lights were on, so someone was awake and willing to listen. I burst through the back door into the kitchen, slam it, and no sooner had I turned around when he follows me in and tries to catch me in this random strangers home! I run into the living room where I see a mother and a baby she’s cradling who’s about a month old. Frantic I try to tell her were in danger – but too late. I hear a spray can and the guy is now spraying roach spray in order to kill me, but I ran away. I watched in my minds eye however as he proceeds to spray the baby in the face with roach killer – and the mother didn’t struggle. She was in shock and horror. Turns out the black man trying to rape me was this guy’s wife, and the baby he killed was theirs.”

 

5/16/12

“Aris and I were at my house and he was doing random shit. First he was over for miscellaneous reasons, then he took off, then he came back in a brand new high power sports car, which he then proceeded to race someone in the parking lot with. The other guy slid and slammed his breaks, and aris proceeded to drift past him withinĀ centimetersĀ of the cars slamming each other. Supposedly he scratched him with that top tail fender thing but I didnā€™t see anything. Anyway, Aris was amused and thankful for the good time and offered to pay for the tiny scratch – which was nothing more than paint coming off on his end onto this other guys car. No dents.

We all go back into my house where they proceed to chill and chat in the kitchen discussing their choice in sports cars. I was about to leave again to head to market basket, but as I rounded the corner out the front door, the other guy asked if he had plans later. Aris said yes, with some other woman. Typical me I hung my head low and walked straight back into the kitchen sulking and panicked. Aris was fiddling around with some cheese for a sandwich at this point, and I needed a hug from disappointment. I waited for him to come and comfort me, but instead he gave me this awful smirk, knowing he hurt me and doesn’t care – he enjoys it (yes I get that smirk in real life.) Instead the other guy comes up towards me to grab a drink behind me. Seeing my sorrow the stranger proceeds to embrace meā€¦ to fulfill the need I had for a hug andĀ nurturingĀ  I reject him because I donā€™t know him very well, and because I found myself in a mix of emotions. I was flattered, admiring him, and upset for touching me when he never asked me if it was okay. He let me go and wandered off to get that drink. I felt embarrassed then because he lived here at the same complex, and I rejected him when he was trying to be kind. I wondered if he would try something like that again. Aris finally gets up and proceeds to give me the hug that I needed, but also hugging me from behind instead of my front. I can’t bury my face in his chest. Then we start talking again in our usual ā€œIā€™m not fighting, but tensions are thereā€ styles.
What sucks was when I started typing this, the conversation was fresh and I knew what he said.
Amazing what 5 minutes can do. šŸ˜¦ Damn.”

mountain climber