Tag Archives: SDA

Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 

As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 

I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 

I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 


On Holy Ground

I remember a ceremony we use to do in the church called on holy ground, and is perhaps the basis of community healing and narritive therapy that I know. There was a blanket Miss Elizabeth would provide, and everyone would sit around the blanket, tucked into its warmth and security… Then slowly… One by one… People would come forward into the middle of the blanket to confess what’s on their heart, and ask God to be made new again. Everyone would lay their hands on them, and pray for that person based on how they believe the Holy Spirit moved them to do so. 

I miss this practice. I want a tapestry to create my own sacred space… Rather than on holy ground it’s on sacred ground, and it’s my place to connect and heal in. I just wish there were others to share that sacred experience with. 

Tonight is a new moon, and I’m being called to do a rebirthing spell to let go of someofnthis negative energy; use it to take into account the growth I’ve made/tried to make, visualize who I want to be, and give thanks to the universe. I feel a resistance and a calling for it, but I know I must press onward. 

I Grieve

I was with a large group of random people… some of them church members, some of them my little sisters friends from school…. but we were all at a theme park heading towards the next ride. I ran into Peter and Adam while we were all walking. Peter momentarily says hi, so I politely do the same… and then he delivers then news – his son Jay is dead. He got into some kind of accident and didn’t make it. They couldn’t get his body back either… the investigation was on going. It became really hard to breathe as I started thinking about him. Then I thought of his mother. She must have taken it the worst. I wen’t into denial at that point and hoped Peter had lied, so I started randomly hoping he’d show up in my dream, but he never did.

Eventually we reach our destination. It’s one of those hanging roller coasters, but the seats themselves were a black plushy leather. I ask the guy over seeing it if I can throw my backpack on the ground with everyone elses, and he says no. It needs to be placed in a special little buggy. I toss it into the buggy but just as I did, I spin around and notice that my little sister’s friends I was supposed to have sat with had already lowered the bar, and it wouldn’t raise any higher. So I move over to the one in front of it. It was Adam, and he had the whole thing to himself. For once he actually wanted to be nice and let me sit, but he couldn’t raise the bar either. The one in front of Adam had Peter and some random guy. Eventually I back up so it can take off. I was gonna wait for the next one, but it didn’t happen. I grieve over the loss of someone I loved, and is no more.

I wake up okay strangely enough… no stuffy nose from weeping, just a little short on breath.


878178-Steampunk 7

Autumns Passage of Time

I’m at the SDA church one crisp autumn afternoon. The sun is high in the sky and theres a lot of hustle and bustle. It’s  something thats never really happened before, so it must not have been a Sabbath day. I was 14 because the bachelder girls were there, and they were all quite young. Everyone is preparing for a Christmas program for some weeks out in advance. The Portsmouth Pathfinders have all gathered downstairs and random people are making decorations.  A few people said hi to me here and there – all very light-hearted small elevator chit chat.

Now I’m a bit older, 15, and the sun is bright, though not as high in the sky. I’m sitting in a pew when Molly and Abby come up and sit two pews behind me. They had to try to one up me and snub me in their usual obnoxious fashion by talking about how they’re more christian because their whole family goes to church and holds an important position of authority. They’re loud enough to be heard, and it’s all directed at me cause they keep staring at me, but they don’t actually speak too me. I refuse to acknowledge their presence. Abby was more or less leading the charge with Molly snickering in agreement. In the end I remain physically passive and maintain the appearance of having brushed it off. Gaining no satisfaction from me they leave and then I move.

I’m sitting in the front row closest to the piano with a few kids who are all practicing some Christmas song. The microphone gets passed down, one by one, everybody singing their lines. Finally it’s my turn. I think it was Charlotte playing the piano for me. I screwed up the song and tripped over my tong until I forgot the lyrics. All I could do was hum the remainder, and everyone heard it over the microphone. When it was over I embarrassingly got up and started to walk out. Only a few people were in their seats; everyone else was cleaning and prepping the church… Jehovah Witness style (for those who don’t know Jehovah Witnesses get together once a year to scrub the church top to bottom with refreshments laid out for everyone.) I’m almost completely out of the room when I turn my head to the right and look out the second to last window. I admire at how beautiful everything looks. Cars are parked in the lot without a single space left. The sun is setting more and more, and the light glistening over the glass of the cars. Autumn leaves of red and gold are scattered everywhere, and provide a painted backdrop of trees in the background… and theres even a gentle breeze that rustles the trees. Very cinematic the way it looked. Autumn in New England was at it’s prime.

Then I noticed something…. or rather, someone. My heart lurched into my throat as Jay came out of his moms grey dodge from the front passenger side. He was holding some kinda dish in a clear tupperware container with a blue lid. I turned my head and walked out just as he was rounding the front of the car. By the front door I pause for a moment at what I’d just seen and contemplate what I should do. I age another year as I make my way downstairs with tension setting in. At the bottom of the stairs I’m 16 years old. There’s still the same flurry of activity, but he hasnt come in. I walk out to the back door and wonder where Adam is, half expecting him to stalk me, then I look for Jay. I walked outside and around the back of the church, ageing another year again – 17 years old. The sun is almost gone by now, and the sky becomes cloudy and cold.

Finally I found him sitting on the swings. I wanted to join him, but I know he didn’t want to hang out with me – he’d take off running again. It was our place, our special place almost. Hours of church time wasted just chatting the day away. He always sat on the seat to the right; the left was there for me. No one had taken it. Suddenly I see his dad, Peter, as he walks past me, exposing where I thought I was safely hidden. He approaches his son and they have a brief conversation. Peter doesn’t seem too thrilled, and Jay’s affect subtly changes. I assumed he was warning Jay of my presence. Peter takes off and I slowly creep forward, waging an internal war within myself. Should I say hi? Will he run away? Will I be scolded? Oh how I wanted to say hi. Then he gets up and is momentarily gone from my sight as cars start to pull up in front of the swings and leave, blocking my field of vision… one of them was the gray dodge. My heart leaps into my throat as panic sets in, afraid he’s going to leave before we’ve even laid eyes on each other. That’s all I wanted at the very least is for him to acknowledge my presence; to know that we were walking the same damn terra firma. I’m alive and I am here. Please stop acting as if I’m dead. I am alive and missing you – though living in fear of you now.

I bolt from where ever I was hiding and march to the swings, just barley running; my resolve to see him was firm. Carpe diem seemed to scream through my head… then there he is. He’s on the swing again; his head hangs low as he grabs onto each of the metal chainlinks supporting him. He’s wearing a dark gray t-shirt, blue cargo jeans, and some slightly worn-in brown hiking shoes. He’s shaved, and his hair is still as brown and messy as ever. The sigh of him was….. intoxicating, for lack of a better term, but he’s also…sad? Apprehensive? I don’t know. I momentarily froze while drinking him in. The sun has set now and all thats there is a dim blue and heavy gray sky thats dark, but not 100% dark. It starts to flurry I think. Now that I’ve been exposed from where I was watching, I can no longer go back to hiding. What will he say? What will he do? Will he ignore me and run? Will he allow me to sit beside him? I’ve aged one final time, I’m 18, and he’s an adult too. Because of my own apprehension as I get closer,  panic courses through my veins. My dream fades to black from the edges and slowly getting closer to him. The harder I run to him, the darker it gets. Finally he’s out of sight.


I wake up to a pounding heart and covered in sweat. I was holding my breath while sleeping again.

Thieves & Jacuzzis

I had a weird dream… or rather, 2 dreams. I was in this Indian/American community on vacation with my family. It started off with this little girl named maya, nick named danny, who was 3 years old. She was swinging from her second story window on trees like a monkey would to try and peak into our window. I thought she was being curious and it was rather cute, though terrifying. From here things went dead wrong.

Minutes later I heard the sound of someone breaking in, and I found some rugged overweight guy trying to steal the cables to my mothers cell phones for starters. I grabbed a broom and started hitting him, but it had no real effect. Just like in other dreams when I hit people, there’s no real impact, and often times my arms feel sore, as if to suggest I couldnt weild my “broom of doom.” As a result, he kept going, though slowly because of my attacks.

From there his family broke in and I found out the little girl in the trees was a spy for the neighbors next door, who were in fact the perpetrators. I guess the way we got our vacation home from the vacation agency was that these neighbors contract out the house to make a profit, and they turn around and use that as a means of theft, because they know when people will be staying.

Upon discovering this I grabbed a bat and tried beating them all up, and I finally did some damage  not enough to kill or make them bleed, but enough to stop them in the house from being able to steal or leave. After I tried to called the police, but the phone line didnt go out to them because of the high poverty level, meaning the phone lines didn’t connect that far out. So I ran outside and found a jewish temple about to start worship. I ran to a group of what looked like church leaders and bowed down before them in respect, which took them by surprised. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, especially since I thought I self identified as christian in the dream, but I needed help and I needed it now! What surprised me is that they understood English and spoke it fluently. I told them someone broke into our house while we were on vacation and that we needed the police. They said sure and called on our behalf.

When I got back in the house the criminals had tried to conceal their identities by making themselves useful by cooking breakfast and cleaning the house. It also looked as if my parents had “forgiven” them because they were doing their own thing by making pancakes. I tried one and noticed they weren’t my brothers recipe, and therefore, they messed it up. It needed more cinnamon, but they were still tasty though.

This is when things really changed in my dream.

I went into one of the rooms in the house, which turned into a downstairs, which turned into another dream I’ve had in the past of being in a community college/high school and trying to find the jacuzzis down there. I had no idea how that happened, but it was weird. For the first time in ages I found one, though not the Jacuzzi I usually try to find in my dreams. It was REALLY pretty because is was made to look like a pond with tiny specks of LED lights on the floor that reminded me of stars or firefly’s  The lights above were dim to look like night time and there were fake rocks and lily pads to the edges of the Jacuzzi. The walls were painted a nice scenery with optic fiber lights to contrast the painted sky on the wall, and there was ambient noises of crickets chirping and waving grass. It was truly quite amazing, but I didn’t get to enjoy it. When I walked in I realized I didnt have a towel or bathing suite. The bathing suite didnt bother me so much cause I can just go in nude, but to come out dripping wet and throw my clothes on just didnt seem like a good idea. I left and lost the room, just like I ALWAYS do! In previous dreams I either never find it, or I find the room, forget something, leave, and lose the room.

Moving on, I go looking for my towel and end up at some really nice room that I assume is mine. Don’t know if it’s a hotel room or modified classroom, but it was nice. I recognized my roommates were the extreme teens, and Mama Chris was there. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I think it was needing my towel to use the Jacuzzi and she should join us, but she kindly declined. The next problem was I couldn’t find my towel because there were massive heaps of clothes lying on the floor that I had to dig through, and not all the clothes were mine. A lot of it belonged to my bunk-mates  and I couldn’t tell if it was clean or dirty. I told myself “screw it” and made my way back for a dip, but to no avail. Finally I wake up.

I gotta admit, thats my first time remembering 2 dreams at one like that, AND I got them down on my computer.


Dreaming of Me

Upon waking up I realized I had just had a dream… an odd one at that. Here it goes..

I was at “camp meeting” in this unusually large gymnasium with a stage at the end of it. It actually looked a lot more like the Somersworth High school cafeteria, but anyway… I was there to listen to a sermon by Pastor Carl Behrman. Before it started, he asked a few people by a show of hands how many either know how to talk on stage or were “ready to go”? Something like that. I flung my hand up in the air because I’ve given many talks and figured “what the hell.” Along side me to my right was someone who looked like Janelle Sundin, but it wasn’t her. Carl picks us both out of a small group of people within ear shot, and we make our way towards the stage.

I’m given a lapel microphone and clip it on me, when out of  nowhere to my right was an individual who I never got to know. His name was Nathan Stoll (r.i.p), and I may have only ever met him once or twice. He tells me about the microphone and some other technical stuff along those lines, but in my heart I began to panic a little. The microphone begins to glitch out on me, and Nathan says “You know who could fix this, “J.T.” could.” From within the audience I here a small level of muffled agreement and head nodding, but instead I  tell him “Don’t worry about it, it’s not that big a deal. I’ll be fine.” I couldn’t handle seeing Jason and I was confused as to why they shortened his name like they did…. kind of like how my nickname is C.J….. Meh.

Carl Berhman gets up and starts off with a song that he use to sing at church when he was our pastor. He actually started it off in a cliche manner, standing at the way back and slowly walking forward like some kinda female popstar with his opening vocal chord. I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed at his expense. I turned my head and let him do his thing.

After, he starts on with  the sermon. I don’t remember what it was about at all, but it was something really brief, cause 5 minutes later the next thing I knew it was my turn to speak, and he left it on a point for me to pick up on, and I somehow started on stage talking, then went off stage to grab some kinda prop to make a point, and then out the double doors to the right of the stage to grab whatever it was.

Before me was this nasty looking mixture of pickles, cauliflower, and big chunks of hamburger in this cafeteria style pan just waiting to be eaten and all swimming in pickle juice. I politely keep talking into the microphone so they can here me, since I was right around the corner still giving the sermon, and the food had something to do with it. I was there for no more than 1 minute. When I came out, the other girl was on stage talking, and overhead you could see a massive projection screen that glitched on an image and tone of voice of me repeating itself… it was the “a” in “and” sound. I talk into the microphone again saying “testing, testing, 1, 2″ and it worked, which threw the other girl off. By this point I was now embarrassed because I interrupted this other girls speech. The last thought I had upon waking though was “J.T” and Nathan. Was “J.T” there (of which he wasn’t), and why Nathan of all people? Furthermore, how this was all  just too embarrasing, because the audience was “his” classmate from CVA. >.>’ No more than about 50 people in all.

I’ll have to look it up later and bring it’s meaning to my blog.