Tag Archives: sex

Soul Baring

Why does falling for someone have this weird obsessive intensity to it? For the past couple of days I find myself wanting to lie in bed and think of him… Endless sarcasm, deeper connections, too many positions and bedroom games that I’ve rehearsed before I’ve ever laid a finger on him. 


Thankfully he likes me too – winking at me, starting me down, showing up in my line and joking away, creating a list of adventures for us to take next month, calling me out cause he wants to be touched too, and so on. Short of flat out saying it he’s told me in every other way possible, which is humorous considering he’s all “tell it to me straight because I hate having to dissect information and figure it out”. He’s a georgeous and complicated piece of work whose vibrational energy seems ignite and awaken something so much healthier than what I’ve ever known. The closer I long to be the more awareness I have towards so little I know of him, but from what I’ve been able to dissect there’s just a healthy enough of a balance to maintain individuality and joining while still learning and growing. I can tell I’m nearing the dirty 30 prime because I physically have a hard time containing how primal my lust seems to be at present, and the cliche of what feels like a burning fire within suddenly is no longer cliche, and the potency of teenage longing feels like child play, making it difficult to maintain eye contact with him at times, which I know he perceives as a reflect of low self-esteem to some extent, but boy I’ve never felt so nervous about the feelings and sensations I have within me. 


In truth, although I asked my tarot cards what the future holds between us, and I was shocked to see the lovers right there in plain sight I still held disbelief that he’d ever look my way… It’s just so strange, and the unfolding of us seems so agonizingly slow at this point, perhaps to teach me a lesson about myself as destiny writes itself on the pages of fate. For now and for the next couple of days, I need to resolve to return to self – It’s the only way I’m going to be able to maintain myself and contain the illusion of strength while descending into someing much darker and richer emotionally than I ever thought could exist. 


If only my understanding of the realms of love and emotion for men didn’t seem like such a mystery, maybe then I’d have a better idea of what I’m doing rather than chasing the safest energy path in blind trust. Visions and beliefs begin to manifest that perhaps the pain and bullshit I’ve experienced will contextually make sense when faced with the reality of you – the resonance of what seems and feels like a twin flame becoming a reality. I’m not seeking to be completed, because I see what makes me whole quite clearly now… But… It’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. Im at a loss, but comfortable in the darkness right now… The realm of intellectual unknowing because emotionally, I feel comfort cause somehow I know where this is where I need to be; a trust in the process without knowing what the process is. 


Dear Josh, I can only hope on some level you feel how raw, carnal, and primal this energy is… You told me you chose a path of celibacy because you’re waiting for “the one”. Romantic in its own right, and self-protection on another, all I heard was that I’d need to work twice as hard for anything to happen between us. Luckily, I’m a hard worker, but damn… I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. ❤️

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Blending Experiences

Yesterday I did the Hecates ceremony and a tarot reading with a few simple questions with powerful results.

Before the Hecates ceremony I caught myself in a religious state I hadn’t experienced in a long time… But the emotion was strong and intense. Whenever I prayed to God as a Seventh-day Adventist Id always end up acknowledging my flaws and inadequacies before approaching the throne of the lord, since pride is not acceptable, as it was Satans downfall. Confession is a huge part of it too, and the feeling of forgiveness helped me to feel acknowledged and connected in my religious worship and prayers. 

Coming before Hecates I noticed that same process occurring…

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not worthy? It needs to be perfect so which ceremony should I go for?”

That’s when I realized she’s not God, she’s a goddess, and because of what Hecates symbolizes, I can come before her strong in who I am because she’ll accept me as a woman at the very least. I’ve been on the right path for a while, and Hecates will show me the way, since that’s why I’m coming before her in the first place. I don’t need to feel pervasive insecurity in who I am before her, and as a goddess of power, she calls me to find ways to lock on to it. 


As I did the ceremony I was surprised how grounded I was, and the expansion of the heart chakra. My crown chakra is always on overdrive when I dip into a spiritual place and yawn profusely, even though I’m not tired. Certain reading material do the same, as my healing hands book from the library does. I felt more whole, centered, calm, and deeply relaxed in my practice, and it was a sensational novelty to both create and take part of. 

After a while I took a break and did my own thing for a bit… Made the psychic tea and it was pretty tasty, though I was disappointed it wasn’t spicier. It said it had peppermint and cayenne in it, but I didn’t experience much of that. 

With time nearing midnight and needing to go to bed so I can wake up in the morning, I asked The Goddess to guide my tarot reading, and the results I got were as follows:

What is one thing I can grow through for the next few weeks:

Upside down King of swords:

Represents someone who is overly regimented and militants in their routines. They’re harsh in their judgements of others, and of anyone who does not fit into their stereotypes. Could be accused of having a narrow outlook on life, without room for accepting new people, ideas, and new situations. Key factors of this card are intolerance and narrow-mindedness. 

Should I get involved in Politics?

King of Pentacles:

Successful and powerful with a great sense of responsibility towards family, friends, career, and community. Often successful because they have someone to provide for. This driving force is a motivator towards success, and achievement is measured through the security of family and views of oneself through important relationships in their life. Does not come across as overly confident. 

Should I become an energy healer (2 cards)

Heirophant: need to seek professional advice; alternatively any ritualistic service that is performed should have the appropriate spiritual leader.

Upside down Wheel of Fortune:

Although you may have had a run of bad luck in your past, things are changing and your life will soon take a turn for the better. Everything is on the way up and now it is time to enjoy the positive changes coming your direction. 

Should I consider selling adult toys through intamacy tickles, and will it be profitable? (2 cards)

10 of Wands for selling:

You have a lot of stresses, strains, and responsibilities, but you are quite capable of handling them so don’t worry too much. 

2 of Pentacles for finance:

You need to keep the balancing act up for a bit longer. Don’t make any decisions to drop any one aspect of your life just yet; you will need more information before making that choice. 

*personal reflection on the meaning and value of those answers to come later as I haven’t worked through it all yet, but I get the gist of it.

From there I called it a night and thanked the goddess for our reading and results. 


I had a dream that when I woke up from, I realized I’d ad multiple dreams like this in the past. Although it’s sexual, I’ll post it because there is something deep and profound in repetitious dreams, but I’ve never really bothered to assess one like this, as I did in the dreams where I’m drowning. The dream, though blended in details because of its repetition, follows to the best of my understanding like this:

First I’m in a house. Men keep running in, one at a time, trying to steal an object and leave; as one theif was done and leave, another one would soon enter. I’m trying to stop them in multiple ways – screaming at the top of my lungs so my brother would hear, setting up traps, chasing them, fighting them, but nothing seems to be effective. The more I fight to defend, the bigger and grander the house gets. 

The house is now a mansion, It’s “Christian” mansion from 50 shades of grey, but for some reason Christian is played by Liam Needon, so he’s a lot older than he should be but a great voice! Anyway, one loser busts in the house and I fake being injured and holding a secret blade in case he comes near, and I’m screaming until someone else hears me and arrests the guy. The last theif I fought was one I used seduction to stop him. He had tattered and dirty clothing, teeth were rotting and a few were missing, but he was younger than me by 2 years and I could tell he was looking for money for drugs. I managed to lure him to the couch and grind on top of him. I refused any real sex or oral because he stunk of sweaty balls (vomits). That’s when Liam Neeson comes down the stairs and see’s me! Finally, someone who could help me stop him. I quickly blurt out he was a theif and this was the only way to stop him until someone would help, and Liam glares and the theif. Then, for whatever reason, the words out of his mouth was that famous one liner.. I will find you, and when I do, I will get you.. Or something like that. 


I use to have sex fantasies like that all the time… me seducing men or women. Particularly its a theme of me seducing someone who has power over me to either protect myself or try and get my wants and needs met, and enjoying not only the sexual thrill, but the feeling of control, leaving them weak and helpless. My very fist sexual fantasy was something like that too… I was a government spy trying to get information out of a certain historical figure I was learning about in 4th grade. I dressed in one of those “I dream of geanie” outfits as a disguise and… Well… I got my information to say the least. 

I’m sure the meaning of these dreams is staring me dead in the face but I still need it decoded. It has to be more than just taking power away from someone. 

Blah… Long ass blog. I’m sitting at the coffee shop blogging all this. This morning I don’t know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself for handling something between me and Kylie the way I did, but she left 2 weeks worth of trash for me to take care of and out agreement was that she’d start helping with dishes. 

“Hey Kylie, what’s the situation with the dishes?”

“Umm, what do you mean? I have dishes and plastic in my room that I wash and take care of?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t our agreement. You were doing that anyway.”

“Okay, well I guess it goes back to how things were.”

“Sounds good.”

The agreement was that rather than buying plastics and stuff she’d go back to doing dishes and helping out since I’m helping her take trash to the curb because “she can’t do it by herself”, but two weeks ago she did exactly that – she took all of it out. As a result, I only took out half the trash instead of all of it since she didn’t help with any of the dishes at all, and was simply using me. 

Of course, the tarot card I pulled falls in line with this as being militant and controlling, but I have to consider my own needs. I refuse to overload myself with work, or allow myself to be taken advantage of. I know this points back to living with mom and feeling like my sense of purpose and value in the household and as a woman was trying to clean and raise her kids, and homeschool them, but healthy boundaries requires balance of what I will allow myself to take on and be responsible for. Where it’s obvious she never had any intention on helping me, and I already clean up after her when she spills something on the stove or uses the restroom, I refuse to be her thankless nanny or mother. Where she’s constantly looking to feel enabled, I won’t be doing it. Do I feel guilty for what happened? Profoundly and immensely on an unhealthy level I do – but I didn’t attack her or anything, I just asked a simple question and she had the same idea I had. Im protecting myself, and even did it in person instead of through text as she requested, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made her. I need to come to terms with my power and find the balance without shame or fear. This sucks, and I really hate it. 

*sigh* why does being me have to be so complicated. I wish someone would just give me the solution to the problem on that one – am I doing the right thing, and how do I know so I don’t have to harbor these feelings of intensity and insecurity for putting my foot down. I could attempt to take pride in myself for doing what I did, but I don’t know if I should or why, allowing Kylies problems to be her own instead of bearing the burden of interaction between us. >.>’ fucking hell. I should not be this tense and panicked before work. I need to find a way to decompress. 

Fuckable Strangers 

I had a dream… Well, an sexual fantasy, but it was a little… Strange to say the least. 


I don’t remember the whole of the dream, just the intensity of it. I was standing in line somewhere looking to place an order for something, and I was with a random group of friends I didn’t know. Suddenly I feel someone rubbing the right side of my thigh and my butt. Rather than being pissed and thinking “creeper”, I turn around to find its some highly attractive male pretending to itch his own leg and there just happened to be very little distance between us which “forced” him to touch me…

That ability to be so damn clever, bold, and brash turned me the fuck on in such a HUGE way. I looked up at his eyes and gave him a smirk letting him know I wanted more, and liked it. He took that look in que and as I stepped forward 1 step he slid in behind me so that my back was now flush against his chest, and I could feel grinding up against me was the hardest errection I’d ever encountered. I tilted my head back and he give me a gentle and possessive kiss – it was like a fire had just errupted in me, and I wanted him bad, and I wanted him now. 

This must have been the point I woke up thanks to my son cause nothing happened after that kiss, but damn did I want him.

In hindsight what he did was almost like a wild animal marking his mate the way he rubbed up on me in public, and I’m baffled that rather than screaming “pervert” I indulged in it. >.>’ Strange…

My Dearest Nightmare

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Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…

“No”

It’s coming…

“NO”

It’s hard to breathe…

“NOOOO”

I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)

Another Coworker Dream

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I don’t remember much of the dream… just the feeling I got at one particular time.

There is a guy I work with who, as it turns out, is into anime, video games, and has his own band. Well, the other day (in real life) we got paired up with one another to work on an adventure (yes we go one adventures), and we ended up getting to know each other a little better. As time progressed, I began to understand that he’s a really caring guy who just comes off a little strong at times, but means really well. I felt connected to him, and I respect the work he does. This connection and understanding of him is I suppose what lead to this dream…

So we’re at my house and he’s over to play cards against humanity, some PC stuff, and watch anime. We’re having fun, we’re hanging out, and eventually we start snuggling up on the couch together… even though it was just snuggling, there was a sense of intimacy there that I just don’t get in real life, but I’ve felt before. I miss that. :-/ Needless to say I kinda wanted to pounce him in my dream but I didn’t. 😛 All that truly stands out however is just the happiness of being able to rest my head on him while we watch some crappy show. ❤ That was good enough for me.

It’s been forever, but just beginning. Happy New Year 2015

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Well, here we are… it’s New Years Eve 2014, and what a year it’s been. I’ve gone though a 5k race, a car accident, moving, failing a course for the first time, graduating with my bachelors despite the failure, starting my masters, going to therapy, and bridging the gap between me and my ex.

For my son he’s grown so much, and his language has increased in vocabulary and his ability to deliberately choose words (and actions). I have been tried and tested on a daily basis by that boy, but here I am another year fought.

What’s strange is that I can literally put myself in last years shoes and remember dancing and drinking the night away like it was yesterday. In truth, I have the ability to do exactly that, and I really want to considering the lack of social entertainment I regularly deal with, but there’s simply no quality to it.

I feel stretched and pulled this year; I’ve been challenged, grown, and reconnected with myself on a deeper level. It’s been a year of trials for sure, unlike anything I’ve experienced (and I hate dealing with anxiety), but I’m hoping this year things will be different. Perhaps I wont live in fear of the next struggle to come my way, but be proactive and try to work through it a little more healthfully before agonizing through panic attacks. Additionally I applied for a better position within the organization I work for, and I’m hoping I get the job with a decent paycheck. I also want to start going to CREATE for my internship, and I REALLY want to go to the US Virgin Islands. Money management would have to be a goal then… need a new crappy car and money to get things done.

I have to say I’m quite proud of myself despite the years worth of exhaustion. I overcame homelessness and managed to move our family to a new place after being evicted. I managed to get through my first term successfully despite the struggle. I am painting, investing in a skill of personal value, and even sold one of them. I’ve become more competent as an up-and-coming counselor, and am even able to use the experiences I’m gaining in counseling to learn in depth about who I am and what I’ll do. I’m very existential, which I couldn’t have even properly labeled at the beginning of the year, and am beginning to realize that this isn’t just therapy, it’s a journey. My original belief was that if I just told my life story and get it out there, then the sooner I can get through all the bull-shit and move on with my life…. but that’s not how it works. In my goal to become more authentic I’ve had to dig deep and open up to what I do that I feel embarrassed or shameful about, being challenged to learn how to deal with these emotions, and expose myself to the change I find is necessary. I’ve begun to discover my voice… my inner voice that I keep sealed up out of fear. I’ve challenged myself to speak up where normally I wouldn’t; I’ve even invited the neighbors upstairs on over to allow our kids to bond and help make a connection with them. I never would have taken the time to actively get to know my neighbors in the past…. I’m glad I have. Hopefully we can become friends and I can feel a little less isolated.

I guess as I just spill my thoughts out on clicking keys, what I find is I have goals – resolutions that I’ve already started and want to continue. I want to learn how to be me. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to learn how to be gentle with myself. I want to learn how to love myself. I want internal emotional health and the ability to shine outwards by simply being who I am. In this ritualistic time of objectives and goals that we set ourselves up to fail at 88% of the time, perhaps being real is the only goal I need this year, and that one goal can encompass all that.

Once again I’ve made new friends, lost old ones, and reconnected with some I never expected too, but the quality of the journey I find is changed, molded, challenged, and shape by the people you walk it with. I also closed the door on Seventh-day Adventist, and am opening the door to new opportunities as to discover an interpersonal spirituality – a relationship with myself (insert masturbation joke here). I’ve explored new places from Maine to Massachusetts that have been incredible, and hope to continue this spirit and desire for adventure. I’ve hated this year, and I’ve also loved this year.

This has been my 2014, and will be my 2015.

Deeply Affected

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Dreams do come true…. this time, it was a dream spent wide awake for 4 years, with the hardest hurdle being the last hurdle. I finally have my bachelors degree, and sent out the application today to Mount Washington College to send my transcripts over to New England College for my masters degree. I’m putting all my eggs in one basket by only applying to this college, but I don’t have to take my GRE’s for it. If I don’t succeed, I wont be deterred – it just means I’ll have to try again and find an alternative route to accomplishing my dreams. I cannot begin to express how amazing this feels. I’m 1/3 of the way to becoming a therapist, among other things. I don’t exactly know how the future will play out, but the one thing of value I’ve gained most in all of this, is a sense of self-worth. I walked into this degree four years ago believing I was stupid, and desperate for some level of navigation, not knowing where I’d go or what I’d do. Nothing is still set in stone as of yet, but I’m always getting one step closer to becoming who I was truly meant to be. This is perhaps the only thing I’m searching for after all….

Still, get my masters, open my own practice, own a home by the lake, and enjoy life. This is all I really want. I’ve learned to be happy being single, and as long as I’m getting laid here and there, I’m good. 😀 Life is good…. life is good…

So looking forward to cracking open a new bottle and brand of wine. The hardest decision tonight is do I want the raspberry cream or the chocolate truffle wine… hmm… I wonder if they would blend well together.

Rattled & Dumb

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I’m hanging out with a coworker and her boyfriend, when I accidentally cause a fight to erupt by giving him a hug. >.>’ I feel horrible, like I’m some kind player caught cheating (though I would assume players wouldn’t feel bad – ever). I apologize, but before I can even get the words out of my mouth she’s turned on her boyfriend for allowing it to happen in the first place. Finally a sorry comes out of my mouth, and I try to make it clear I’m just a hug-seeking sort of person in general (which I am), but thats not an excuse. She pretty much ignores me, they both leave, and I feel shaken and horrified. All I wanted was a hug….. o.O’

In the end the whole thing was a pretty dumb dream, but the residual effect… kinda like going into shock, is whats bothering me.
I know afterwards I join up with “she” and “cher” to get some work done, but it somehow feels patronizing to me…. I end up being annoyed by the end of it,

Bargain Hunting

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I was in some kinda warehouse with tons of old stuff – poor lighting and a tan look to the room. The prices were negotiable, and you usually end up paying about the same price as a family looking to have a yard sale for the sake of making room, not money. I remember finding some amazing looking clothes that I had to have, so I loaded it into the cart. Then I found some old N64 games, Super Nintendo games, and Gameboy cartridges that were all mainstream back in the day; there might have even been binders full of a variety of collectible cards too. I’m looking at them in disbelief because the Mario and Zelda games alone retail about $50 used online, and I knew I was about to get them for dirt cheap. I put those in the carriage too and keep walking. I come across a 4 disc DVD set that contained porn from pin-up girls from the 50’s like Betty Page, and once again I’m amazed. “I could make a mint off of this… I hope I can get this for $20”. Last, I remember a kit of some kind, and contained therein was a compartment of old coins in amazing condition – primarily coins made with real silver and gold. I knew no one had ever found these or else it wouldn’t be here. They could have been in a coin collectors market and graded for top dollar! I loaded up my cart with other random goods of a historical cosplay nature (kilts, armor, knives, renaissance items, etc.) and make my way up to the register. I get all of it… ALL of it for $40! Its loaded into 2 giant 30lbs. black trash bags and I make my way out. The dream changes to feature some really hunky guy, and it goes down hill from there…. or down on me. Whatever. It was hot, and a constant reminder that I’m not getting laid. -.-‘ I need sex.

A Boy Named Felix

I fell in love with a boy named Felix; he’s not quite a man, but a boy who’s 20. He was shy, sensitive, quiet, and cute – but after a while he’s quite funny too. I was in “my” home that was somewhat different, and a few of my family and their friends I’d never met were watching tv or cooking. I didn’t really care for what was going on, so I went into the room where Felix was hanging out and started bonding. We talk about video games and other things of interest and commonality. After a while he came forward and said he liked me, but long distance relationships aren’t his thing. I guess he was really a farm boy in the mid-west. I slight pang of disappointment went through me, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t still be friends, or I couldn’t enjoy my time here with him. I step out of the bedroom real quick to check on my guests, and low and behold, the ex is sitting on my couch between my dad and my brother – Aris. As soon as he saw me he stood up, smiled, and walked over towards me as through he were happy to see me. I feel guilty rather than angry – guilty because I was falling for someone else just a moment ago. Then I feel defensive because I don’t want him meeting Felix, so I need to get rid of Aris. I guess my mothers politeness ruled out over everything despite hating Aris, so she asked him “eggs and potatoes for dinner okay?” “Sure” he replies. I panic because mom is using my food, I only had 1 potato left, and he cant have it. I go into the kitchen and say “No, that potato is mine, I just bought it, and he can’t have it. Here – ” checking on top of the fridge to find something potato like, I hand it to Aris who was standing behind me, and walk away back to Felix. Aris is kind of staring there dumb-founded at me and making me feel like an errant child, but quite frankly he shouldn’t have even been there. I hate him.

I’m back beside Felix who’s playing something on the computer when some old-timer shows up sitting against the wall opposite to us; It was Felix’s grandfather. I forget what was said, but I know Felix joined us and the grandfather put some kinda music his computer. Felix is standing in front of me and I try to get closer to see whats on the computer, but Felix thought I was trying to snuggle with him. It got kinda awkward trying to figure out how he should respond to me, but finally he spins around, grabs me by the waist, and does this hugging/slow-dance thing. Being so close against him and inhaling his scent threw me into a spell of lust and security. I loved it. Eventually he took control of the situation and started whisking me around the room spinning and dancing. I was embarrassed, shy, and loving every moment. I turn to look at the grandfather, and am grateful he’s asleep. I look back up at Felix, and he’s subtly changed some how. He’s seems stronger, confident, and a tad bit taller perhaps. All of a sudden he wasn’t some shy boy, but a man in that moment. I hug him against me again and a sudden thrill and lust yet again rushes through me. I pull back and the song ends. He’s now back to the shy boy. We felt awkward in the moment, but I was still attracted. Felix goes back to his computer, and I go back to watching him. I figured that even though he may not be interested in a long-term relationship, perhaps we can stay connected. “Do you have a Facebook I can add you too?” “No.” “Do you have an email address?.” “No.” “Do you have a phone number???” “No.” I felt hurt and confused now. Why is he doing this? Everything voids to black and I wake.

For the record: Yes, he looked very close to Pewdiepie – AKA: Felix.

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