Tag Archives: son



I walk into what is at first a target with Aris and Sy to do some shopping I suppose… no real idea why we’re there. Aris runs off to the right to pay off his card real quick while I’m left there holding a much more complacent child than usual. I start wandering around and land myself in the womens clothes, and as I turn around and look back towards the entrance, I can’t help but wonder where he went. As I look back to the clothes now, the store has suddenly become a Kohls… no idea why.

So now I’m in kohls with my son waiting for my ex and I’m wandering around looking at clothes. Now that the selection is suddenly better and I have a desire to try some of this stuff on, I grab a nightgown and Aris appears. We start browsing through stuff together and I can tell that the last thing he wants to do is be seen with me shopping through womens clothes. A tall woman in red and khakis shows up to give us the sales pitch about opening a kohls card, and told us we get a few bottle of champagne for today only. She opens one of the dressing rooms for me, and I give Sy to Aris while this woman keeps talking – sadly I can tell he’s more interested in the way this woman looks versus what she has to say. Aris runs off with sy and this woman to a random register to discuss opening a kohls card, and I sit in this dressing room, door wide open, and waiting for him to return.

…and I wait….

… and I wait…

…and I wait…

Finally I see the woman walk by headed somewhere and notice how her large breasts make up for her usually broad shoulders…. deep down inside I was extremely sad because I knew he was attracted to her on some stupid physical level, something I could never do. šŸ˜¦ I can only hope he wasn’t smooth enough to grab her number…

…and I wait….

… and I wait…

Finally Aris and Sy return, and as he makes his way towards me I can tell he no longer wants to be here, but I haven’t tried on any of these clothes because I wanted him to be here when I see them. As he finally approaches me I speak before he does.

“You ready to go?”


I drop all my clothes on the seat in the fitting room and we leave.

Blah… I’m surprised I was able to do this, it’s been a while since I’ve had a dream blog; probably because I’m back to my routine of being up at 6:30am


Happy New Year: My Year in Review

This is my once-a-year summary to reflect on all that I’ve been through and the changes that I have made. If I had to summarize my year to one word: progress. I’m so happy to see it, and there’s much more to come.


For now here’s what I have to reflect on:



Literally, that is this years crowning achievement. 3 Years of stress, joy, late nights fueled by coffee, tears, bus trips, and miles of walking through rain, hail, snow, and blistering heat paid off. No more day care expenses from Christine the over-abuser of paychecks and wallets. It’s all come to an end with my associates degree.

Now? I’m working on my bachelors! Yessah! I’ll be done by this time next year; all of this indicates a significant chapter of my life opening and closing, determined by tests, papers, and terms. Literally, I live my life by terms…. it’s not a bad thing at that. I finished my Associates with a B+, but am trying my damnedest to make sure I finish with an A by this time next year. I’m studying for my GRE’s already to get into grad school, and start working on my Doctorate degree. Lets face it, you can’t expect to do very well with nothing but a bachelors in psychology…. I just couldn’t be living up to my fullest potential. I’d need a masters at least, and it’s just not worth it to stop at 4 years when you can have the doctorate in 5.


I’ve made some and lost some. The most significant change was losing Brianna Lockheart, and gaining Lasandra. I can’t figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but we’ll see. I was having game night every Saturday night for a few months. Molly and Adam came, but Molly had to be the immature angry kid she still is at heart. I feel sorry for her, but thats about it. It’s no longer my loss, or concern. I guess this is a new journey for me… getting rid of the people who only do harm. That brings me to my next subject…

The Ex:

THANK GOD HE IS FINALLY GONE!!! After being abused, I’ve never been happier that he’s gone; and wouldn’t you know, my hair grew back as a result. I lived my life in constant fear, paranoia, depression, and panic attacks with him. I had no idea how badly he was killing me from the inside out. I still see him once every 3 months or so… and when I do, I have a major panic attach with rage sweeping over me, but considering how little he cares about his son, I’m just glad I don’t see him any more than that. I fucking hate him.


Go figure – I dump the ex and meet a new guy a few days later… but it’s done and over with. Nick was an amazing guy, but it wasn’t meant to be. No hard feelings. I am thankful for one thing though…. he taught me I still have self worth, even though he didn’t know it. With my ex always complaining about me in the bedroom, I felt like shit. Nick on the other hand made me feel like the naughty kitten I am, and in the end I also learned: Aris is getting old. It wasn’t my fault he’s aging, and therefore, isn’t as sexually “fierce” as he use to be. Sucks to be him cause I still got it. Also, nick likes full figured women like me. My ex called me fat and ugly. At least I know I’m still appealing to some guys out there… but still, I can do better and I hate being fat. Hopefully my therapy sessions can help me correct my mentality so I can stick to my workout guns

~ Oh, and 50 shades of Grey came out and I discovered my inner kinky chika! Best part of 2012 right there baby! Lmao!


I can finally say I’m half way there. I passed the written portion in September, and am working on the driving portion. I hope to have it done at the very latest by my birthday,


My brother moved out, and my friends Elizabeth and Katie moved in! Financially this will help me significantly, and since she can teach me how to drive, thats exactly what she’s going to do. It’s a really hard change since they just moved in less than a week ago, but we’ll live.

My relationship with mom is better than it was, and I’m finally changing my attitude towards here, but it’s a hard walk to face. Hopefully therapy will fix that too.

MY SON STARTED SCHOOL THIS YEAR TOO! He’s no longer at community partners, but his progress there wasn’t as great as it is today. He’s come such a long way with everything for a kid with aspergers…. I love him to death! I am so proud of him! ā¤ Now if I could just get him out of diapers…


Obama won, Maggie Hassan is the new Govenor, and Carol-Shea Porter is back in office. Go Democrats! I got what I wanted!


I finally decided I can't keep fighting with who I am. I was brought up a Seventh-day Advetist, and I'm going back. Life was better then.


OH MY GOD! I maintained a blog for more than 3 months of the year and still going… plus, it's a dream blog (with the exception of this anyway!) I have to say I'm proud of myself for it, and I love it! It's an amazing hobby of mine!

Fuck Yeah! Thats old news from last year, but amazing news – deal with it!


I've become more in touch with myself spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I'm seeing my faults a little clearer, as well as my strengths. I'm changing and growing for the better and I hope to keep it going!

Tomorrow, I'll write my New Year Resolutions. For now – I have some friends waiting for me at Castaways in Dover! I've never been, and this is the one time of the year I go out! I'm so excited! WOOT WOOOOT!!!

History Doesn’t Repeat Itself – It Only Rhymes

This is just killinng me now `

So my first dream was almost the same thing as yesterday; literally. Only differences were it was fragmented and a everything looked tiled in the end just like a mosaic, with blurred red, orange, pink, and gold hues. Still, I was desperate for my son.

THEN I had another one. I was (i guess) living with my mom again, and Grandma was living with us too in this really big nice new home. Very middle class, white, two stories, etc.. My grandmother took me out for a drive that was about 100 miles one way – a little more than an hour long there, and a little more than an hour back. Grandma needed to pick up her Lunesta meds… why lunesta, I dont know, because its not like she was prescribed them anyway. We took the highway for the most part. Scenic mountains and a few random shops trailed the journey there. Somehow Aunt Angie randomly appeared sitting next to me in the front seat of the car. Grandma started playing favorites and got irritated with me, so she sent me to the back of the car. I remember her at one point saying not to hog the seat because it will push Angie too far to the edge of our seat. If the car should flip, she doesn’t want Angie getting hurt. (Odd.)

I moved to the back seat, where 2 out of 3 of Angies kids/my cousins appeared; Ryan and Ashley. I forget what we all talked about, but I remember freaking out now about Syrus. I didn’t tell mom I was leaving so, once again I felt like I had abandoned him and left him all alone. Grandma got annoyed and said it was fine and to stop freaking out – we’ll be back soon.

Finally we were “home.” I ran inside and mom was there in the kitchen. I asked her about Sy and told her I was out with Grandma. She was cool with it and did a good job with the kiddo. I went to see him next. I found my little man, gave him a great big hug, and with that, I woke up.


Teachers of Revenge

I’m going to school, and the school itself has changed. It’s a fusion of my college and my son’s elementary school. Sy has daycare at “our” school now, and its a woman who looks almost the same as his primary teacher, along with a few teachers aids. After I’ve dropped him off in the classroom I turn around after shutting the door and see a loud mouth gossiper who’s my “friend” in this dream. She’s a short older grey haired woman in a darker grey sweater and black jeans. I say hi real quick and walk off to class, but forget where the class is located (I think) and wander back. There’s a door open, and the gossiping woman and my son’s teacher are talking in a closet and the “friend” starts to lie to her, saying how I’ve been telling people that I’ve been working hard in the classroom with my son; So in an effort to “help,” she tells my son’s teacher that I should have a job in the classroom, and possibly take her job. I stop her nonsense talk right then and there in a state of panic and fury, andĀ interrupt them toĀ clarify I never said any of this. All I said was that I volunteered in the classroom once, but wasn’t very helpful at all. As I said this, I looked at the teacher first, and placed my hand on her shoulder to try and validate my point. She was in the classroom, so she would know; then I look at my “friend” and glare at her. She’s embarrassed as fuck, and the teacher is pissed. The teacher stormed out of the closet leaving me upset and worried.

Later I’m in another classroom and I’m forced to stop what I’m doing. I’m bound and gagged by a bunch of women. TheyĀ held me down, straw in my mouth, andĀ forced me to over dose on cough medicine to try and kill me. It doesn’t work as planed. I pass out, but still breathing, so they send me to a torture room to have me killed in mapleĀ syrupĀ  I’m lying on this metal grid with large circles in it, and it starts to raise.Ā SyrupĀ floods the room and starts to boil. I feel uncomfortable and roll over – a little to close to the edge to the point of falling in. Just then I’m rescued by a bunch of other teachers who actually work with the police, figured out “Leanne” – the teacherĀ did it, and am healed back to normal. I give a statement and ask for a follow up report, but it turns out they’re not going to bring her to justice. I was pissed! In the end the police dropped me off outside the school, which is now located somewhere random in the middle of Dover. I realize all that drama made me miss 24 hours of class, but whats worse – where has my son been for the past 24 hours? I freak out and run around looking for him, but to no avail. I walk back to the school to try and find him there but I cant find the school now. Ā I look for a cop to help me but none of them are out driving.

I’m ready to cry. I miss my son.

I wake up

I Dream of Fears

Lately Iā€™ve had few and fleeting dreams. I remember but glimpses into myĀ unconsciousĀ mind. I dream of fears.

I dreamt my brother scolded me and made me feel like an awful parent. In real life my brother commented how my son doesnā€™t seem to nap much at present, and itā€™s true. I leave my son in his crib and let him have some time to himself, as well as to myself, because I need a moment to breathe, and I donā€™t think itā€™s a bad idea to either let him nap if heā€™s tired or relax in the crib. I know when I was a kid we had nap time in school, and if we didnā€™t fall asleep it was fine, but we still had to lie down. It was still considered beneficial to relax and recoup before the next part of our schooling, so I tend to see it like that. My son however gives me these 50/50 moments where I feel like Iā€™m punishing him if I put him in his crib, when Iā€™m not. I feel guilty to hear him cry, but frustrated if I dont get a moment to myself. Nevertheless, One of the few fleeting dreams I had involved my brother accusing me of being a neglectful mother, and it was heart breaking.

The next one also involved my son, but my dad as well. He was accusing me of being Autistic, just like my son. He said he suspected it because if he has it, and my son has it, then I must have it too. Being a therapist was irrelevant because it could just point to a higher level of intelligence from having an autistic mind, and the fact that Iā€™m an empathetic individual was irrelevant, despite the fact that there is a general disconnect of empathy with autistic minds. I know Iā€™m not autistic, and again it was another fleeting dream, but it makes me wonder what my fears really are and how dark they can truly be.

Last one (of course) was based off the fifty shades novels. I dreamt about getting to know Christian, Ana, and Dr. Flynn. Grace may have been in it at one point, but I dont remember. I know we were at Escala, but that was about it. Then it kept switching to me reading about them in the book, only these things never happend in the book, so I ended up dreaming about WRITING a spin off the fifty shades series! That dream just kept switching between reading, writing, and seeing what was happening in my minds eyeā€¦ it was so strange, but it left me struck with awe as well.

I dont know what to make of any of this, but at least I got it down.

Lost in Boston

I was inĀ BostonĀ to go to some unknown museum with my son Syrus, mom, my brotherĀ Jamie, and my ex/sonā€™s father Aris. His most recent psycho fucking ex Kai ended up showing up out of nowhere, because animeĀ BostonĀ was probably going on, and he wanted to ditch us for her. ArisĀ initiallyĀ dumped Syrus on me and took off wandering looking for Kai, and I began to panic. I followed him out and saw him wandering around the building unable to find her, so I gave Syrus back to him and left.

Instead of going into the museum for some reason I went wandering around different convience stores, theaters, and kids fun houses before getting lost. I took a train to get me closer to the museum under the guidance of a friendly stranger, and we left. Once we got off the stranger parted from me and I started to panic. Iā€™m lost again, and now I find out Aris lost Syrus cause he tripped out on acid with Kai and in a threatening voice he made it clear he didnā€™t want me to say anything to anyone.

A midstĀ my aimless wandering and internal freakout I asked someone for help again. I had no idea that when IĀ stoppedĀ and asked this random guy for directions, he turned out to be a friend of Jayā€™s. He saw his friend and smiled, and I thought he was smiling at me so I smiled back, and then he realized who his friend was standing next to and the smile was instantly wiped from his face. After theĀ tiniestĀ bit of small talk, Jason actually offered to help me get to the museum, but Ā I managed to pissed him off along the way. I was trying to explain what I had been told in terms of getting back to the museum and he got beat red and argued with me about what I was saying and how I was cutting him off or something. The he got frustrated cause he pointed me in the right direction across the street and I took off before he could finish – so he chased me. He got to the other side of the street with me and said ā€œmaybe this is the wrong placeā€ and I said ā€œNo, there it isā€ pointing to aĀ convinceĀ shop that has a shortcut to the museum, and we took off inside the shop to find my son.

Finally I found Syrus. Aris ended up giving him to ā€œMr.Miagiā€ the convience store shop owner, and Mr. Miagi gave my son to another store owner to babysit him. That whole thing was fucked up and i hate instant anxiety in the morning. The mix of emotions kicked me awake in the most awful way. I hate it when that happens.