Tag Archives: spirituality

Tales of a Tarot Reader Pt. 1

About 2 or 3 weeks ago I started my own pagan consult business, but it’s mostly paid tarot readings. I sat at the computer, typed up a flyer, printed out 10, and on the second hand-out at 5 monkeys tattoo, the woman was like “Oh my god, you do tarot readings? You have time to do one now? How much?” I pulled out my deck, nervous as this was my first paid reading and I was afraid it would be a dud, but I did what I always do.

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All my cards are cleansed in a selenite grid to rid it of any negative energy from the previous reading, and to reset it for the next. She explained to me that there was this cop she was seeing but wasn’t sure it was worth it as there were a lot of conflicts. I shuffled the deck to make sure none were facing upside down, then allowed her to shuffle, making sure she thought about her relationship with this man so the energy of them is put into the cards.

Energy reading is strange… it’s like putting your hand high above an exposed flame – you feel the warmth and energy from the fire, and the closer you get to the flame, the hotter it gets. Many Reiki readers say there is a ton of warmth radiating off their hands, and for 1 Reiki master in particular, I know this to be true. I on the other hand, feel it like a rock of energy versus a flame. I don’t feel the warmth as most people do with Reiki readings and such, but a ball that’s pushing against my hands – the harder it pushes, the more I know the card I’m meant to draw is there. Where my moon sign is Sagittarian which is all about energy magic and is described as a thunderbolt with its force, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… where my sun sign is water and my moon sign is fire, I’m drawn to think of a volcano… the lava is fire, which when cooled by water (or air), turns to rock. Maybe it’s the blending of these signs that allows me to feel energy as a rock…. but I digress.

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The next day I did 3 more readings at the same place for 2 more people – one was the owners, and the other her apprentice. The owner wanted to know about her long-term financial success and her relationship with the current co-owner (who I guess is a little bi-polar), and the apprentice wanted to know if she was on the right path with her career and love life as well. I ended up using a bunch of decks, but with all three, there was an awesome amount of success. I’m hoping to do a tarot event at their shop where they do the $30 tattoos while I do readings for the people who are waiting. I also offered to do an energy cleanse of the place since a lot of bad vibes make its way into that shop. At the end, they paid me $35 between the two and thanked them for their time.

Yesterday I got to do a reading for a former coworker of mine I hadn’t seen in ages, and it was both heart breaking and beautiful… she too works with people with disabilities, and where the group home she works out of is closing, she wanted to see what the cards had to say about the future. Not only did it acknowledge the suffering she feels alongside these people, but the tower showed me she also felt like she was carrying the weight of the world. Another card told her she’s on the right path, and the last said she needed to learn to celebrate her successes. This prompted me to ask her about her self-care techniques, and she made it very clear that the closest she has to self-care these days is alcohol and not getting out of bed for a full 24 hours on her day off because of how emotionally draining the job is combined with her depression in general. I pulled a few self-care cards and allowed her to pull some soul-journey cards that she felt drawn to. What caught me off guard however is as I was watching her go through these cards, and she refused to pull the empathy card… again, self-care problems, human service, depression, mourning with people… it struck me as bazaar as I knew she was an empath, and I felt the energy from it. I asked her “why didn’t you draw the empathy card.”

Her answer floored me…

“Everyones always told me I’m an empath, but I don’t want to be… picking up on peoples emotions and stuff, it’s just too much to carry. I push it away as much as possible… maybe because of the responsibility that comes with? I don’t know.”

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I explained to her how in my own journey, the success of an empath relies on the ability to be empathic towards oneself, and how self-care falls into that spectrum. I asked if there could be a relationship between her pushing away her empathic nature and lack of self-care.

“It’s a possibility… most definitely. I can really see that.”

The self-care deck I told her to pour her needs into the cards, more on a feeling level than a thinking one. As soon as she handed me the cards my entire body was covered in waves of goose bumps… then as I read the energy I started crying, and she felt so bad. She apologized that it was so difficult to do this reading, to which I responded”

“It’s not that it’s too difficult, it’s that your needs are so great, it’s hard for me to process all this at once. There is a ton of energy coming from this, but I promise this is not a bad thing, and we will get through this…”

Finally after going through them all we settled on 4 cards, and low and behold, a theme of low-self esteem and practicing self-care emerges.

I did the second reading for her, this time on her love life which showed promise, and then my last reading for her took an unexpected turn. Her roommate is a therapist who also hits the bottle pretty hard, and although she doesn’t name names, she does dump all her baggage from listening to her clients onto my former coworker. I was rather pissed to hear this considering what I’d learned in my clinical psychology courses and possible HIPPA violations, but I at least wanted to provide some boundary cards to help my friend out. Even though I had her hold the cards, channel the energy, and I read them, the results told her that alcoholism is becoming an addiction, and she needs to spend this week she’s on vacation focusing on meditation, her solar chakra, self-care, and her needs. The only connection it had to the roommate was their bond of drinking, but I couldn’t argue with the cards… it was an answer to a question that wasn’t necessarily being sought out, but in the end, was needed to hear. My friend apologized for not receiving the answer I was hoping to give her, but promised me it was a theme that was popping up in the readings from the beginning, so was probably needed to be said. I was okay, and told her that all I do is read the energy off the cards and interpret them – I don’t know why those cards were picked, but I’m just a conduit in the end. They weren’t wrong by any means, they were just not the answers I was after… but it’s okay, thats part of my learning curve too.

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I really do enjoy doing Tarot work, despite how draining it is. I started providing snacks for myself and my clients at the end of my sessions because food is great for grounding where I’m pie-in-the-sky from doing so much energy work. I’m glad my success is slow and steady, and I hope this is becoming something long-term for me.

For those who are interested, my facebook page is called My Pagan Friend Consult



Soul Baring

Why does falling for someone have this weird obsessive intensity to it? For the past couple of days I find myself wanting to lie in bed and think of him… Endless sarcasm, deeper connections, too many positions and bedroom games that I’ve rehearsed before I’ve ever laid a finger on him. 

Thankfully he likes me too – winking at me, starting me down, showing up in my line and joking away, creating a list of adventures for us to take next month, calling me out cause he wants to be touched too, and so on. Short of flat out saying it he’s told me in every other way possible, which is humorous considering he’s all “tell it to me straight because I hate having to dissect information and figure it out”. He’s a georgeous and complicated piece of work whose vibrational energy seems ignite and awaken something so much healthier than what I’ve ever known. The closer I long to be the more awareness I have towards so little I know of him, but from what I’ve been able to dissect there’s just a healthy enough of a balance to maintain individuality and joining while still learning and growing. I can tell I’m nearing the dirty 30 prime because I physically have a hard time containing how primal my lust seems to be at present, and the cliche of what feels like a burning fire within suddenly is no longer cliche, and the potency of teenage longing feels like child play, making it difficult to maintain eye contact with him at times, which I know he perceives as a reflect of low self-esteem to some extent, but boy I’ve never felt so nervous about the feelings and sensations I have within me. 

In truth, although I asked my tarot cards what the future holds between us, and I was shocked to see the lovers right there in plain sight I still held disbelief that he’d ever look my way… It’s just so strange, and the unfolding of us seems so agonizingly slow at this point, perhaps to teach me a lesson about myself as destiny writes itself on the pages of fate. For now and for the next couple of days, I need to resolve to return to self – It’s the only way I’m going to be able to maintain myself and contain the illusion of strength while descending into someing much darker and richer emotionally than I ever thought could exist. 

If only my understanding of the realms of love and emotion for men didn’t seem like such a mystery, maybe then I’d have a better idea of what I’m doing rather than chasing the safest energy path in blind trust. Visions and beliefs begin to manifest that perhaps the pain and bullshit I’ve experienced will contextually make sense when faced with the reality of you – the resonance of what seems and feels like a twin flame becoming a reality. I’m not seeking to be completed, because I see what makes me whole quite clearly now… But… It’s just so hard to explain. I don’t know. Im at a loss, but comfortable in the darkness right now… The realm of intellectual unknowing because emotionally, I feel comfort cause somehow I know where this is where I need to be; a trust in the process without knowing what the process is. 

Dear Josh, I can only hope on some level you feel how raw, carnal, and primal this energy is… You told me you chose a path of celibacy because you’re waiting for “the one”. Romantic in its own right, and self-protection on another, all I heard was that I’d need to work twice as hard for anything to happen between us. Luckily, I’m a hard worker, but damn… I had no idea how difficult this was going to be. ❤️

Relationship with my Tarot Deck

The Answers:

1) Eight of Wands

2) Two of Wands

3) Five of Cups

Our relationship should be developed quickly, as the cards cannot be neglected (most likely due to energy work). Practicing spirituality like is will require devotion (as my 2017 spread said) and as a result, something I feel is emotionally important in my life will be sacrificed (most likely an unhealthy or distracting habit). Their may be some grief letting go of this habit, but this will be good. 

Spiritually in Tune

Learning about psychic abilities, I’m amazed how so many forms of spirituality point back to the law of attraction and being in touch with the universe/universal mind. I need to continue practicing the law of attraction of enhance my craft and my being. 

Reading the book it talked about clairaudience – the ability to hear a voice that moves you in the right direction. It reminded me of one of the few spiritual experiences I’ve never been able to shake. I had just come back from my first ever prayer retreat for youth, and when I returned home I was unable to find something. Where my grandmother brought me home I figured it must have fallen out in her car, so I asked for her keys and looked.

I opened the door to her Pontiac sunfire and dug around the front seats first – nothing. She keeps her car spotless. Then I slid the driver seat forward and got back in my knees and checked. My ears were almost against the floor of the backseat of the car when I heard it… It was a choior of voices singing together in unison. There was no words. I would describe it as something close to Sancte Deus by the Thomas Tallis Schollars, but of course that’s in Latin. What I heard as a teen could have very well been in Latin, but I wouldn’t have been able to identify it. I kneeled there in awe listening for a good 12 seconds at least, and when I picked my head back up its as if my consciousness altered to a state of alertness since I was now looking for those voices, feeling certain I was mistaken, but when I put my head back down I heard those same voices rapidly fading. I never heard anything like that in my life, and I never heard it again. At the time I called it Angels… Now? I wouldn’t know what to call them since Angels are a highly judeo-Christian concept, just like Satan. Although there are some traces back to universal energy such as the Holy Spirit, the rigidity of the bible bothers my moral values system too much to allow it back into my life. The level of sexism, homophobia, slavery, and so on kills me – not to mention that the God of the bible is incredibly two-faced. I can’t tell if it has multiple personality disorder or was going through his own spiritual journey and was using human beings as the ultimate experiment in twisted humor. 


The funny thing is I’ve kept so many of my prayer journals from when I was a kid that I should probably pick one up and use it as a way back into who I was as a teen. I couldn’t throw them way because my mother would take them and read them if she found them, and of course my dad stole my diary. Nothing was kept sacred. It’s the one thing I need to teach my son is that his life is sacred, his body is sacred, his space is sacred, and the same is true for others. Treat life & people as sacred… If he can. If we can. If I can. 

Back to reading…

Practicing Loving Kindness

I need to remember everyone is struggling with something, and not just struggling, but deeply.

With this context, I can (hopefully) reduce some of the internal tension I feel when doing the loving kindness mantra. I feel the positive energy when I send it to all beings, and its strongest at that point; I wish I could feel that same energy towards myself. 

It’s supposed to rain in a little while, so a ritual bath to clean my energies and collecting rain water for spell casting should be in order, and I’ve cleaned up my room for the most part to provide comfort, concentration, and space for my room. Selenite… I should use that too since I connect with that stone the most. 

I’m starting to feel depressed and I’m not sure why… Anxious too. 

*sigh* despite everything, I know I’m heading in the right direction. It’s just tough. I need to put messages into myself to counterbalance all the material I read on codependency; thank god for Louise L Hay materials…

When Spirituality was Born into Being


Its no secret that I was a seventh-day Adventist for much of my development in my teen years. It’s was more than a religion, it was a culture that had it’s own reality… Spiritual sensations, emotions, and connections that I’ve genuinely missed as a result of having been in that community and left are suddenly being recreated within me; that spiritual sensation of surrenderance, forgiveness, and healing all suddenly seem to be what I’ve been more increasingly aware of from time to time.

I thought I needed to be a part of the community to feel this wholeness and acceptance but… I don’t. The closer I get to making myself whole by welcoming, accepting, understanding, and nurturing the past, the more I begin to feel these things again… Healing is always a spiritual journey it seems, but that doesn’t make it a religious one; I’m on an internal pilgrimage, but the shrines and temples I gave are really graveyards to be cleansed… And that’s okay.

Is this what it means to make yourself a higher power through self-care? There’s always a part of me that looked at the message of becoming your own higher power as incredibly narcissistic, but if done through self-care, self-discovery, and welcoming the pains of my past, it becomes a balancing act. I must meditate more often.

Buddhism: 1

Christianity: 0

😉 ❤

Random Thoughts




I promised myself I’d start a new routine. For the life of me I could not sleep well :-/ I was up at 1:45, then 3ish, then 5:45, then my alarms went off at about 6:40. I tried to sleep for an extra 20, but was up 10 minutes later making my sons lunch. I remember fragments of my dreams…. I know Dawson was telling me that he wanted to show me how to set up the tripod, but I didn’t have the kim wipes for the camera to clean the sensor…. or whatever they’re called. I know something sexual was lingering around the corner, wanting to hit on someone to bump and grind, but I don’t remember who I was talking too. I don’t think it was a male however. I also know I was stressed at some point in my dream…. themes of coworkers were abundant. Meh…. lack of sleep screws up my ability to remember dreams… as does too much. 😛

So, about that routine… I really want to practice mindfulness and meditation for my overall health, and downloaded an app called Mindful to get me started. So far I really enjoy it. It asks for 3 core values (I put wisdom, caring, and authenticity), as well as three goals I’d like to work on. From there, it prompts you three times a day, morning, noon, and night, to help get you started by simply focusing on breathing, as well as setting simple assignments to reinforce your ability to be mindful without the assistance of the app. I really do recommend it for people looking to do the same, but are equally just as technology based.

After that I really want to start journaling in the morning too. I use to do this ALLL the time, and it was such a positive experience. Helped to keep me focused on my goals for the day, positive, and happy.

The best one is I now have a workout buddy during the week after work; I finally have that extra motivation to go, and my son is in daycare. I really hope having someone to help kick my ass works out well. 😀 That and its more fun with a friend to chat with…. helps to pass the time. Very thankful.

Happy New Year: My Year in Review

This is my once-a-year summary to reflect on all that I’ve been through and the changes that I have made. If I had to summarize my year to one word: progress. I’m so happy to see it, and there’s much more to come.


For now here’s what I have to reflect on:



Literally, that is this years crowning achievement. 3 Years of stress, joy, late nights fueled by coffee, tears, bus trips, and miles of walking through rain, hail, snow, and blistering heat paid off. No more day care expenses from Christine the over-abuser of paychecks and wallets. It’s all come to an end with my associates degree.

Now? I’m working on my bachelors! Yessah! I’ll be done by this time next year; all of this indicates a significant chapter of my life opening and closing, determined by tests, papers, and terms. Literally, I live my life by terms…. it’s not a bad thing at that. I finished my Associates with a B+, but am trying my damnedest to make sure I finish with an A by this time next year. I’m studying for my GRE’s already to get into grad school, and start working on my Doctorate degree. Lets face it, you can’t expect to do very well with nothing but a bachelors in psychology…. I just couldn’t be living up to my fullest potential. I’d need a masters at least, and it’s just not worth it to stop at 4 years when you can have the doctorate in 5.


I’ve made some and lost some. The most significant change was losing Brianna Lockheart, and gaining Lasandra. I can’t figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but we’ll see. I was having game night every Saturday night for a few months. Molly and Adam came, but Molly had to be the immature angry kid she still is at heart. I feel sorry for her, but thats about it. It’s no longer my loss, or concern. I guess this is a new journey for me… getting rid of the people who only do harm. That brings me to my next subject…

The Ex:

THANK GOD HE IS FINALLY GONE!!! After being abused, I’ve never been happier that he’s gone; and wouldn’t you know, my hair grew back as a result. I lived my life in constant fear, paranoia, depression, and panic attacks with him. I had no idea how badly he was killing me from the inside out. I still see him once every 3 months or so… and when I do, I have a major panic attach with rage sweeping over me, but considering how little he cares about his son, I’m just glad I don’t see him any more than that. I fucking hate him.


Go figure – I dump the ex and meet a new guy a few days later… but it’s done and over with. Nick was an amazing guy, but it wasn’t meant to be. No hard feelings. I am thankful for one thing though…. he taught me I still have self worth, even though he didn’t know it. With my ex always complaining about me in the bedroom, I felt like shit. Nick on the other hand made me feel like the naughty kitten I am, and in the end I also learned: Aris is getting old. It wasn’t my fault he’s aging, and therefore, isn’t as sexually “fierce” as he use to be. Sucks to be him cause I still got it. Also, nick likes full figured women like me. My ex called me fat and ugly. At least I know I’m still appealing to some guys out there… but still, I can do better and I hate being fat. Hopefully my therapy sessions can help me correct my mentality so I can stick to my workout guns

~ Oh, and 50 shades of Grey came out and I discovered my inner kinky chika! Best part of 2012 right there baby! Lmao!


I can finally say I’m half way there. I passed the written portion in September, and am working on the driving portion. I hope to have it done at the very latest by my birthday,


My brother moved out, and my friends Elizabeth and Katie moved in! Financially this will help me significantly, and since she can teach me how to drive, thats exactly what she’s going to do. It’s a really hard change since they just moved in less than a week ago, but we’ll live.

My relationship with mom is better than it was, and I’m finally changing my attitude towards here, but it’s a hard walk to face. Hopefully therapy will fix that too.

MY SON STARTED SCHOOL THIS YEAR TOO! He’s no longer at community partners, but his progress there wasn’t as great as it is today. He’s come such a long way with everything for a kid with aspergers…. I love him to death! I am so proud of him! ❤ Now if I could just get him out of diapers…


Obama won, Maggie Hassan is the new Govenor, and Carol-Shea Porter is back in office. Go Democrats! I got what I wanted!


I finally decided I can't keep fighting with who I am. I was brought up a Seventh-day Advetist, and I'm going back. Life was better then.


OH MY GOD! I maintained a blog for more than 3 months of the year and still going… plus, it's a dream blog (with the exception of this anyway!) I have to say I'm proud of myself for it, and I love it! It's an amazing hobby of mine!

Fuck Yeah! Thats old news from last year, but amazing news – deal with it!


I've become more in touch with myself spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I'm seeing my faults a little clearer, as well as my strengths. I'm changing and growing for the better and I hope to keep it going!

Tomorrow, I'll write my New Year Resolutions. For now – I have some friends waiting for me at Castaways in Dover! I've never been, and this is the one time of the year I go out! I'm so excited! WOOT WOOOOT!!!

Dream Analysis Part 2: Role Playing Adventurer

All of this is a reference to Dream Analysis Part 1: Role Playing Adventurer, and my dream entitled Role Playing Adventurer. If you wish to get a better understanding of what I’m talking about, start with the dream, and come back to this.


In the beginning I recognize I’m a heroine collecting perks, upgrades, treasures, and various other items and powers that relate to improving myself. As a hero, I am in control of the adventure of my story. The treasures and upgrades are items that reflect the good in me, or things I wish to improve upon for the better. Again, because I’m an adventurer, this starts off a journey of accomplishments and improvements into the soul. I remember before I was in the frozen wasteland I was adventuring in this amazing green mountain, but didn’t put it in my dream because thats all I could remember, so I felt it wasn’t worth writing down. Everything I collect in this dream is a reflection of wholeness.

From here I’m in the frozen wasteland with very few houses around. This means that emotionally I’ve come to a cold place in my world; perhaps another opportunity or area in my world that needs growth, forgiveness, and insight, but hasn’t happened yet. Because it’s a frozen landscape the ice contributes to this area of my world in which I haven’t grown because it illustrates my own stubbornness to move, or possibly how brittle I am. It shows that somewhere in my world I feel helpless and bleak – all of this suggesting that the reason I’m in this world is because I haven’t made the journey to progress forward. Furthermore the wall of ice I see before me enhances the message in telling me that this inability to move possibly has something to do with my belief systems, attitudes, and/or boundaries I restrict myself too. The wall is supposed to be a protection against fear. The wall of ice itself is white, and so is the majority of the landscape. Personally I have no fear of hospitals or death as it would portray to the color white, so I must assume then that when it comes to a white frozen wall, white is symbolic of spirituality. I’m emotionally stuck in my spiritual life, and the core values contained therein. This is the stage of my dream.

Now in real life this is extremely accurate as I wrestle with who I am and how I identify as a Christian, but moreover, a Seventh-day Adventist. Also, there are a couple of “demons” I wrestle with from the past and that part of my life. I want to go back, but I’m afraid to for many reasons.

Climbing up the wall I remember my siblings being there, but particularly Jamie, my younger brother. I wasn’t going to climb the wall because he couldn’t make the climb, but I did anyway. Once I got up part way to a cliff I looked down which triggered my fear of heights. I want to get down, but can’t.

My brother represents a denied part of me; at this point I’m going to assume it has to do with the Christian side of me which touched on every boundary of my moral code of being, but I have long since denied. In climbing upward I had to leave Jamie, a denied part of me- the Christian me- behind. This created a sense of guilt. This guilt can be two-fold. Perhaps this guilt correlates to people I’ve left behind in leaving the church, or perhaps the conflicts I feel between science and faith. Maybe in becoming a psychologist I’ve denied myself whatever opportunities could have come my way as a member of the church. Maybe upon looking down from the cliff at my Christian self I am claiming a sense of superiority in my education. None of this I am certain, merely speculation at this point. In real life I do however, feel a burden towards the people I let down, especially Verna Emerson. I also feel conflicted in my core values between science and religion. I’m also always looking to justify myself when I reject one and believe the other where the two worlds collide and cannot meet. I may be Christian, but masturbation is not a sin in my book – and I support homosexuals in their choice of lovers. I’d rather be held responsible before God because I allowed others to live their own lives rather than be condemned because someone gay was cutting themselves or crying as a result of something I said or did against them – or worse, I’m responsible for their suicide. Christ never put anyone down in that way, and overall it defies the moral image he portrayed….. “Thou shall not judge.” In the end I just don’t know. I feel split between two worlds – two people, and no balance; always ready for a fight because I believe something different then what the church taught, and how I see the messages of the bible. This is a triad of confusion for me. This may have something to do with the next part then when I head into battle. I know as a Christian I was puffed up, judgmental, and critical of the outside world. Now, I’m on the outside being judgmental towards people within the church by analyzing them with my education, recognizing the incredible amount of low self-esteem the place both breeds and contains. Getting into a “thank you war” is a perfect example. This is my own fault and I know I am wrong for being so harsh and judgmental towards Christianity and the people who follow more closely than I do… but perhaps this is really a reflection of how harsh and judgmental I am towards myself and where I stand on both sides of the fence. This may just be the first time where I catch myself looking inwards by seeing what I project outwards.

For the next part of the dream I came down off the cliff because three wolves appeared. I kicked one, slashed one with the sword, and sent another one flying somehow. I don’t remember how I did it, but I know it had to do with some kind of internal force of power. At the end I felt like a hero, and was really happy for many reasons; the epic jump to overcome my heights, my bravery to attack before they had a chance to touch me or anyone, and my loot thereafter.

The wolves themselves are actually fear reincarnate. They were a triggered physical manifestation to what I was feeling. However, I did feel a sense of pride in overcoming my fear. What I’m confused about is why I needed to come off the cliff and head down in the first place. Why didn’t I keep climbing up that wall? I feel as if overcoming my fear of heights may not be the only element of pride I felt in destroying my fears…. But what else could it be? What is it that I really overcame in that dream. Coming off the cliff of superiority and gaining an essence of humility? In truth I had been working very hard in my moral code of ethics, and humility is one of them. I’m not as judgemental as I use to be. In being defensive and looking to justify myself, I’ve learned how to better communicate who I am and why I feel and think certain things, but the hidden benefit has also been to understand why I felt the way I use to, and why they (the church) feel the way they do now when it comes to what they uphold and believe. I’ve practiced a new element of empathy. It was the backbone to the ministry of Jesus. I’m not as harsh and judgmental as I was, but I still am. Faith versus critical thinking is hard to balance, as is the concept of being in the world – not of the world – versus isolated from the world. Thats what happened. I isolated myself into the church to maintain a deeper level of conformity. I just can’t do that anymore.

Anywho, back to the story. I killed the wolves and was proud to overcome my fear. The sword itself contains multiple meanings because (ironically) the handle of the sword is a cross – a symbolic religious icon. In wielding a weapon in general I turned against myself, but what? Also, the sword represents social power, justice, and transcending strength. Perhaps this is the judgmental element I’m slowly overcoming in learning to accept others for who they are, Christian or otherwise? Even better, this is me learning how to accept myself, Christian or otherwise? I’m purging myself of my less-than-perfect tendencies in killing my fear with a sword. Justice could also refer to the fact that I feel the need to defend myself so much, that my defense is my justice – education. Moving on there was also a gained ability for defeating the wolves, it was a treasure of some kind. Treasure represents the riches of my wholeness – the wonder, wisdom, or value of life. Something I gained as a result of overcoming personal difficulty, such as self-realization or wholeness – wholeness being defined as balancing dry intellectual achievement with deep love, or an introverted personality with outward activity, etc.. Perhaps in knowing my weaknesses better I’ve gained a valuable treasure? What bothers me is the power I obtained was another weapon of ice. Thus far ice has been a bad thing – but white as well.  Also, the weapon wasn’t for my hands, it was for my feet – something I wore over my shoes. Shoes are the image or impression I present to others in my travel throughout life (work, accomplishment, etc.). Perhaps it’s my ability to condemn myself for my conflicting moral values, and how I present myself to others because of it. Hell, I keep 2 facebooks – one for my “christian” me, and one for my secular me. Hardcore athiests and people who can take a dirty joke versus the other extreme. No balance.

Next I know the hoarker/walrus from skyrim emerges from the frozen waters while everyone is praising me. I scream at my sister to run as it emerges, telling her it’s her fault if we all die because I had to save her. She’s holding me back and I don’t want her to get hurt – nor myself. I want to save us all. My brother was there to back me up for the fight, but once the whole thing emerged and stood towering over me, I froze for two seconds, screamed “run,” and took off for the house

Walrus was not a definition I could find, and the ones online didn’t make any sense. Instead I changed it to “monster” which seems okay for the dream, but I’m still uncertain. Anyway, my sister represented an part of myself that is lesser or vulnerable. I felt as if I needed to protect “myself” in this case, but I was hesitant – afraid to move as my sister emotionally. I have no idea what this part of me could be. Perhaps its just who I use to be? Damn… this is such a key element to my dream. I wish I knew what part of me my sister is supposed to represent. Then the monster came. It’s my internal emotions or drives I’m frightened of; dread of death; a monstrous deed done or lie lived; negative relationship with my life energy. I bet you there’s a correlation between my sister in the dream and the monster, but what? Maybe I’m living a lie because of my inability to be who I am – both religious and scientist? Feeling like I have to pick a side? Damn I wish I knew.. then I – “we” took off running. Running away from something is me emotionally trying to run from whatever bad emotions the hoarker/walrus represents. The hoarker came after us, and what started off as a two-story monster shrunk while I had my back turned and managed to get inside. Being attacked by an animal is a representation of introverting ones own aggression, fear of ones own natural urges; anxiety about aggression in oneself or other people; feeling attacked by an external person. The house itself serves as a response to social pressures and criticisms. The house was old looking on the outside, new on the inside. Old beliefs and attitudes are represented by old houses. To dream of a new house represents a new era of your life. The house itself is the transition of the old into the new – as well as the blending of the two. The walrus shrunk, and whatever it’s supposed to be has becoming less threatening or playing a less important part in my life; are seen as connected with the unconscious, aspects  of which often are seen as of “little” significance, yet are  full of the sort of power that motivates or undermines our resolve. Crap. I really wish I could figure this thing out.

Then the monster shrunk, and got into the livingroom where is stayed and lost it’s power and ability to be threatening. I took refuge in the kitchen.

“To dream that you are in the living room indicates how you are as a person and how others perceive the way you live. It is suggestive of your principles and beliefs.”

So whatever the hoarker represents has become less threatening in my world, and as a result of perhaps, learning to be myself is killing the monster within me.

“Creativity; nourishing oneself; mother role, diet. May also refer to pride in the ability to create a home and contribute something valuable to the family. To dream of seeing a kitchen represents a need to nurture your spiritual life.”

So perhaps the link or message in this is that if I better understand myself and nurture my emotional/spiritual needs, whatever it is that troubles me will no longer have/is no longer a threat. The last element I haven’t figured out was when I kicked the walrus and I lost my power – it didn’t hurt it. The ice was gone – and so was the impact of the ice; the ability to be frigid within the livingroom.

Perhaps this a dream simply telling me I’m on the right track?

I hope so.