Tag Archives: woods

My Dearest Nightmare

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Day 1

To My Dearest Love,

Forgive me if I don’t know where to begin – I’m afraid my thoughts and feelings fall and scatter before me like a summer rain; I welcome and observe with a sense of melancholy what lays before me, but try as I might, I cannot catch them all. I suppose if I might run or dance through them, I may catch more, but in this moment, I need to stand back and observe my thoughts, my feelings, and the sensations that occur. Unlike most, I welcome the storm – I do not fear it, but I suppose you knew this about me already.

Since you’ve set sail for the sea, twice now I’ve attempted too swim, twice now I’ve laced my life with death, twice now I’ve drowned, and twice now I’ve washed ashore to the starting point on the sands below the precipice where we built our home.Be it Odin or Poseidon curse or vengeance towards a goddess who could rival the Gods, I know not, but what I do know is that the emptiness consumes me, the longing embraces me, and this wretched turmoil has been forever immortalized by sonnets and prayers. Of all I’ve had to carry, being the burden barer that I am, this is the one that sits like a boulder within my chest. I imagine the sea beside our home regularly supplied by the tears I’ve shed.. watching… waiting… my blessing is the location that I’m in for the beauty is still distracting. 

Day 2:

I’ve slept on the shores again. As I awoke I caught the sun shining through the cracks of dark clouds, promising the warmth of a new dawn, a new hope, and a new life. The vibrancy of blue casts a spell on this land, enchanting all out of it’s slumber; two doves of white were soaring overhead, one carrying an olive branch… who knew this prison could be so beautiful? The symbolism of the branch however is not lost on me, for perhaps, just perhaps, those doves were messengers of hope. I go now to set the table for two, pray chance you should surprise me at the table.

Evening of Night 2:

My love, I wish you could watch the sun set before me over the ocean – hues of red, and gold, and purples mix into the realm of twilight. Legend has it that demons come pouring forth about this time to lace the world with sorrow and suffering, but I refuse to believe it.

I listened to the pastors sermon today; it was a message of what faith can do if we can just believe. A family had nothing to eat for the holiday of Noel, and the parents had told the children that a feast would come. The children then countered ” but we have not set the table, if we believe that food will come and have faith that God will deliver, then we must set the table.” The rest of the logistics escape me, but someone remembered this family, and delivered a feast for 5 by the afternoon. The irony of this morning is not lost on me, and indeed, the many mornings before… but it becomes a painstaking process the moment I question why you are not here, but my faith so palatable. It was difficult to clear the table and dispose the food… there is something sacred about your chair, as if your aura should have been here. I can’t tell if it brought me comfort or grief, but this home has become a temple for you that I worship from. Oh, how I long to have you near me.

Midnight Hour:

I can’t tell for the life of me if it is morning or night – it’s too dark to know for certain. I just woke up dripping in sweat and tears, the salt of my wound mixing with the salt of the sea. I must calm myself… I must get this emotion out of me. The terror of the night enveloping me in the very same darkness that would hypnotize most to slumber, but instead, the darkness of time betrays me. The scent of you is fading from these sheets of ours, and the longing comes back with a vengeance.

The dream… I must get these fragments down… there was you, maybe 10 years ago, standing above the rose hedges at your grandmothers estate in Darbishire; the sight of you was breathtaking and overwhelming, surpassing the handsome features the country has to offer.I could feel the tears as they pricked against my eyes, and I ran to you, as fast as I could, feeling each step getting harder and heavier with each passing stride… but I made it.Nestled in your warm embrace, the maelstrom of emotions breaks free, and I cry into your chest, banging my fist against you as a child might do.You chuckle, most likely amused by my reaction, and simply hold me, kissing my head on occasion, waiting for my tears to subside. Slowly, things fade away with my eyes closed nestled in your embrace… how much time has passed… seconds… minutes… hours… then panic grips me.

“Shit!” I open my eyes while and find myself plummeting to my knees…. you’re gone, and suddenly I find myself in an ancient forest that hasn’t touched the light of day or the silhouette of the moon for centuries. There’s something in here that threatens my very existence, and I know my life is on the line. Briefly assessing, the woods are somehow gradient mixtures of black and gray with no discernible source of light – dust seems to cover everything, and I’m not sure how any of this is possible. Not a sound exists… no sound is capable of existing here… no wind… no movement… it’s terrifying. There is no life other than the trees which somehow maintain enough energy to block anything from entering this place… or leaving. “I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here…” 

Suddenly I am running, unable to contain the panic; I know I’m running from something.The darkness closes in again, and the harder I run, the more painful it becomes, and the faster the darkness approaches…

“No”

It’s coming…

“NO”

It’s hard to breathe…

“NOOOO”

I jolt from my bed, screaming aloud. 

>>>>>>>>>>>(Blah…. too much to write and edit. I’ll be fixing this later… yes I know it’s rough, but this is just copy pasta from my journal I keep in my room anyway.)

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Run

I was on a well paved road in Maine against the coastline. It was a beautiful & rich suburban area on top of a mountainside. To my right were houses nestled within a thicket of woods that contrasted the bright green leaves; to the left were a few darker evergreen trees against the edge of the road, but behind that was a cliff that was barred off which overlooked the seaside. It was beautiful. The endless blue above me lifted my spirits and sent me soaring against the salty breeze that refreshed me as I went for some exercise. I’m jogging in this serene state and really wanted to sweat this sense of purification that comes from the inside out. As I progress forward, two guys are also jogging. We meet at this 3-way intersection. I was coming from the right, and they were coming from the left – nothing was on the third path except the “camera angle” momentarily. To my surprise the two guys were Jay and Peter. The moment we all saw each other we stopped for a moment to say hi. Jason was in a really good mood, and I was happy to see them both, but I wanted to keep the momentum up and start running again. Jason decided to run with me instead since Peter was close to where he needed to be, so he was good to go home. Jason and I are running together and talking about everything random under the sun; video games, movies, college, siblings – it felt like the good old days. I don’t remember all the details since I’ve been hesitant to share this dream. It took place a day or two ago.

I must confess I miss my best friend – I don’t know how else to interpret it.

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Of Birth and Defense

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I remember being in the woods in a caged in area. There were a few log cabins, and it was divided in the center. Evening was upon us. There were two teams, mine and theres, and the objective was to run away or fight to death to survive. We had 6 hours to try and stay alive, and the group I was apart of was on the defense. About an hour before the time runs up, I grab a little girl with beautiful blonde curls and blue eyes and run away from a fight. Eventually I had no choice but to stand my ground. I pushed the little girl behind some fencing and told her to hide, but just as I turned away from her, I was cornered and had to fight, or risk them capturing her. As I fought the guy, I felt more and more trapped. Paradoxically, the more restricted I felt, the more he shrank in size until eventually, he resembled a cocky anime-based 10 year old boy from yu-gi-oh. I hit him a few times and he and his friends took off running scared. Eventually I knew they’ed come back and retaliate, so we started to run away as well. I searched for the little girl to come with, but couldn’t find her.

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The dream transitions out into a home where Lizzy, Katie, and I live together, but its not my home. In the back room was a mother rabbit that was heavily pregnant. I asked lizzy about the bunny and she told me she’s due any time now. I go back into the bedroom and the rabbit is squealing, panting, and there’s blood on the wood chips she slept on. I rushed out to let lizzy and katie know the rabbit was delivering. I rushed back in to help the new mommy rabbit give birth, but as I got in, there were 4 baby rabbits that were squirming side by side. There was no fur on them, and they were adorable. All of them belonged to Katie. I know with cats there is usually some after care the pet owners need to make sure of, so I ignorantly helped on the basis of common sense and care. I had lizzy and katie clean out cage, care for the baby bunnies, and put food and water in for the mommy. My job? I cleaned up the real mess – the blood all over mommy. When I picked her up she was lying on her left side with her right leg straight up. I figured it was because she was in so much pain, and may have been torn up a little after delivering. I picked her up and she squealed for missing her kids and being in pain. I grabbed some warm wet wash cloths, and gently wiped up the blood on the fur and rinsed her with a little warm water. I figured the temperature would help her to relax. I didn’t want anything too invasive on her like soap or something tough; I didn’t want her accidentally developing an infection. I also only washed a very small area so she wouldn’t get cold or uncomfortable trying to dry her fur. I remember at one point being concerned the mother might harm the runt of the litter, but she did okay. Once the cage was cleaned up with the mommy back in place, I put some fresh greenish hay in myself. Her leg still stood straight up after cleaning her. I nudged the babies to the mommy to feed, but the dream ended right around then.

Zombie Apocalypse

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I’m wandering around alone & hiding from everyone. The zombie apocalypse has begun, and I have no idea who to trust.

I’m running in and out of deserted buildings when I finally find an open clearing at the edge of the woods. There I meet five other youth such as myself (I was 17ish); there were three guys and two girls.

We all make our way back into town, and inside a Victorian era style home. It was fully furnished inside, and looked as if it belonged to someone much older than us. A few times we leave the building thereafter, but every time we do, we’re in danger. Theres the possibility we’ll run into a zombie, but more importantly, the police will shoot us down without a second thought, or arrest us for being minors without a parent.

Inside a bunch of us end up becoming bored and alone, and we eventually eventually fall for each other. One couple who I’d considered to be the “main characters” of this drama were already together in the first place. One of the guys decided to shag up with me, and I thought it wasn’t a bad idea at least for repopulating the earth because everyone is being killed. The others ended up alone and faded out of the story line.

At the end a bunch of adults & elderly people walk thought the door, and it happens to be someone related to one of the guys. We gratefully help them out with unpacking and such since they gave us shelter, warmth, and food for so long for free.

The dream ends.

Rushing Waters

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I’m with someone at a brook in the middle of the woods – not sure who he is but I trust him. I decided I was thirsty and needed to get a drink. “In the middle of the woods, the water must be pure” I thought. The guy thats with me tells me not too because it’s not clean, but it seems clean enough to me. Maybe there were bugs in it? Did a moose drink from it? I didn’t know. To find out, I follow it upstream and the gentle waters start to pick up the pace.

I stop focusing on the water below me and pick up my head to notice a gated off area where the water comes from. The gate had a private property – no trespassing sign, along with a danger sign, warning sign, and a really long notice. Behind it is a massive sandstone water plant of some kind, and the water runs from this plant downward into the woods to create a river – no wonder I shouldn’t drink it. Maybe it was polluted water? I don’t know. I open the gate and my friend and I step in. He closes it behind me, and we cautiously make our way forward, unsure what to expect.

I decided to keep following the sight and sound of the rushing water to guide me through this place. The water is being pumped through massive tanks & dams. I make my way up some stairs against a drop off and end up inside the building with the water running through it. There were extremely large metal coils and tanks to the sides of the room, and smaller pipes running above my head. The rooms was somewhat lit, and against the sandstone it was an orangey-yellow emergency lighting. Heading out of this room the quality of the water returns to its natural state because its coming from its real source; the water becomes fine to drink again.

Finally I reach another set of stairs and make it too the top. I see my dad and brother playing in the entrance of the water, which has been turned into a pressurized water slide that travels up and down. I ask the worker at the top of the stairs if it’s safe to play in, and he says “Sure! Watch….” Out of nowhere a baby pig squeals and runs right up to him, and he takes the pig and chucks it straight up into air so it lands in the water slide. It squeals even more at it slides up and down on the slide.

As I make my way out to leave, theres a baby boy in nothing more than a diaper playing near the cliff of the building. Below was a massive amount of water, and he could drown – if not break a few bones from the impact of the landing. I was afraid for him, and I managed to associate him as my son. He never fell in, he just toddled his way around. I was terrified for this child.

Digging in my Closet (Dreams from May)

Hey guys,

So I was looking through some old documents on my computer trying to find a phone number, when I had totally forgotten I had a dream folder I started in May, prior to starting this blog. I figured I share them with you. I dont remember the one with my ex, but I do remember the baby one. That was horrifying.

5/2/12
“What an awful nightmare… I was chased around by these 2 black guys trying to rape me. They asked me to get in their car thinking I was a hooker and I said no. I run through a beaten path in the middle of the woods. I loose guy number 1, but guy number 2 is hot on my track. I find a white house in the middle of the woods. I didn’t bother to knock cause the lights were on, so someone was awake and willing to listen. I burst through the back door into the kitchen, slam it, and no sooner had I turned around when he follows me in and tries to catch me in this random strangers home! I run into the living room where I see a mother and a baby she’s cradling who’s about a month old. Frantic I try to tell her were in danger – but too late. I hear a spray can and the guy is now spraying roach spray in order to kill me, but I ran away. I watched in my minds eye however as he proceeds to spray the baby in the face with roach killer – and the mother didn’t struggle. She was in shock and horror. Turns out the black man trying to rape me was this guy’s wife, and the baby he killed was theirs.”

 

5/16/12

“Aris and I were at my house and he was doing random shit. First he was over for miscellaneous reasons, then he took off, then he came back in a brand new high power sports car, which he then proceeded to race someone in the parking lot with. The other guy slid and slammed his breaks, and aris proceeded to drift past him within centimeters of the cars slamming each other. Supposedly he scratched him with that top tail fender thing but I didn’t see anything. Anyway, Aris was amused and thankful for the good time and offered to pay for the tiny scratch – which was nothing more than paint coming off on his end onto this other guys car. No dents.

We all go back into my house where they proceed to chill and chat in the kitchen discussing their choice in sports cars. I was about to leave again to head to market basket, but as I rounded the corner out the front door, the other guy asked if he had plans later. Aris said yes, with some other woman. Typical me I hung my head low and walked straight back into the kitchen sulking and panicked. Aris was fiddling around with some cheese for a sandwich at this point, and I needed a hug from disappointment. I waited for him to come and comfort me, but instead he gave me this awful smirk, knowing he hurt me and doesn’t care – he enjoys it (yes I get that smirk in real life.) Instead the other guy comes up towards me to grab a drink behind me. Seeing my sorrow the stranger proceeds to embrace me… to fulfill the need I had for a hug and nurturing  I reject him because I don’t know him very well, and because I found myself in a mix of emotions. I was flattered, admiring him, and upset for touching me when he never asked me if it was okay. He let me go and wandered off to get that drink. I felt embarrassed then because he lived here at the same complex, and I rejected him when he was trying to be kind. I wondered if he would try something like that again. Aris finally gets up and proceeds to give me the hug that I needed, but also hugging me from behind instead of my front. I can’t bury my face in his chest. Then we start talking again in our usual “I’m not fighting, but tensions are there” styles.
What sucks was when I started typing this, the conversation was fresh and I knew what he said.
Amazing what 5 minutes can do. 😦 Damn.”

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Evil Bus Driver

There was a neighbor who was a friend in my dream. The neighbor went away for the day and asked me to get her daughters from the school bus. I was somehow a passenger on the bus heading home with my dad and little brother Jim, and we had arranged for my other brother Jamie to meet us at a particular stop. We stopped at 1 stop after the agreed upon location, but we had a ton of stuff on the school bus. Everyone but the girls got off. I got back on to grab some more things and the bus driver took off with me and the girls still on the bus. I shouted at her to stop and she was being a total bitch. She stopped when other kids needed her, but not for me. Finally I told her my situation with the neighbor and she goes “Yeah I know, the neighbor left us a note about you, but I don’t trust you.”

Fuck! 

Finally she stopped by the side of the road at a bus stop surrounded by woods. She let me get 1 of the girls off, but not the other. I run screaming and chasing the bus with the other girl following me as best as she can for a 7 year old, but she’s holding me up. Finally we get to what I think is a little drop I can jump over to continue to follow the bus, but it was a massive cliff up the side of a mountain that I didn’t recognize till I jumped with the girl in my hands. The moment I noticed I was able to catch the cliff with my other hand and scream for help. I was able to throw the girl over the cliff and back on to safe land, but all that was left was me dangling. Finally an old woman with white curly hair helped me back up. She was a tourist admiring the view. Broken and defeated I grab the girl and walk back to where we came from in an effort to find my dad and brothers. The dream ends.