Tag Archives: work

Tales of a Tarot Reader Pt. 1

About 2 or 3 weeks ago I started my own pagan consult business, but it’s mostly paid tarot readings. I sat at the computer, typed up a flyer, printed out 10, and on the second hand-out at 5 monkeys tattoo, the woman was like “Oh my god, you do tarot readings? You have time to do one now? How much?” I pulled out my deck, nervous as this was my first paid reading and I was afraid it would be a dud, but I did what I always do.

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All my cards are cleansed in a selenite grid to rid it of any negative energy from the previous reading, and to reset it for the next. She explained to me that there was this cop she was seeing but wasn’t sure it was worth it as there were a lot of conflicts. I shuffled the deck to make sure none were facing upside down, then allowed her to shuffle, making sure she thought about her relationship with this man so the energy of them is put into the cards.

Energy reading is strange… it’s like putting your hand high above an exposed flame – you feel the warmth and energy from the fire, and the closer you get to the flame, the hotter it gets. Many Reiki readers say there is a ton of warmth radiating off their hands, and for 1 Reiki master in particular, I know this to be true. I on the other hand, feel it like a rock of energy versus a flame. I don’t feel the warmth as most people do with Reiki readings and such, but a ball that’s pushing against my hands – the harder it pushes, the more I know the card I’m meant to draw is there. Where my moon sign is Sagittarian which is all about energy magic and is described as a thunderbolt with its force, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… where my sun sign is water and my moon sign is fire, I’m drawn to think of a volcano… the lava is fire, which when cooled by water (or air), turns to rock. Maybe it’s the blending of these signs that allows me to feel energy as a rock…. but I digress.

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The next day I did 3 more readings at the same place for 2 more people – one was the owners, and the other her apprentice. The owner wanted to know about her long-term financial success and her relationship with the current co-owner (who I guess is a little bi-polar), and the apprentice wanted to know if she was on the right path with her career and love life as well. I ended up using a bunch of decks, but with all three, there was an awesome amount of success. I’m hoping to do a tarot event at their shop where they do the $30 tattoos while I do readings for the people who are waiting. I also offered to do an energy cleanse of the place since a lot of bad vibes make its way into that shop. At the end, they paid me $35 between the two and thanked them for their time.

Yesterday I got to do a reading for a former coworker of mine I hadn’t seen in ages, and it was both heart breaking and beautiful… she too works with people with disabilities, and where the group home she works out of is closing, she wanted to see what the cards had to say about the future. Not only did it acknowledge the suffering she feels alongside these people, but the tower showed me she also felt like she was carrying the weight of the world. Another card told her she’s on the right path, and the last said she needed to learn to celebrate her successes. This prompted me to ask her about her self-care techniques, and she made it very clear that the closest she has to self-care these days is alcohol and not getting out of bed for a full 24 hours on her day off because of how emotionally draining the job is combined with her depression in general. I pulled a few self-care cards and allowed her to pull some soul-journey cards that she felt drawn to. What caught me off guard however is as I was watching her go through these cards, and she refused to pull the empathy card… again, self-care problems, human service, depression, mourning with people… it struck me as bazaar as I knew she was an empath, and I felt the energy from it. I asked her “why didn’t you draw the empathy card.”

Her answer floored me…

“Everyones always told me I’m an empath, but I don’t want to be… picking up on peoples emotions and stuff, it’s just too much to carry. I push it away as much as possible… maybe because of the responsibility that comes with? I don’t know.”

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I explained to her how in my own journey, the success of an empath relies on the ability to be empathic towards oneself, and how self-care falls into that spectrum. I asked if there could be a relationship between her pushing away her empathic nature and lack of self-care.

“It’s a possibility… most definitely. I can really see that.”

The self-care deck I told her to pour her needs into the cards, more on a feeling level than a thinking one. As soon as she handed me the cards my entire body was covered in waves of goose bumps… then as I read the energy I started crying, and she felt so bad. She apologized that it was so difficult to do this reading, to which I responded”

“It’s not that it’s too difficult, it’s that your needs are so great, it’s hard for me to process all this at once. There is a ton of energy coming from this, but I promise this is not a bad thing, and we will get through this…”

Finally after going through them all we settled on 4 cards, and low and behold, a theme of low-self esteem and practicing self-care emerges.

I did the second reading for her, this time on her love life which showed promise, and then my last reading for her took an unexpected turn. Her roommate is a therapist who also hits the bottle pretty hard, and although she doesn’t name names, she does dump all her baggage from listening to her clients onto my former coworker. I was rather pissed to hear this considering what I’d learned in my clinical psychology courses and possible HIPPA violations, but I at least wanted to provide some boundary cards to help my friend out. Even though I had her hold the cards, channel the energy, and I read them, the results told her that alcoholism is becoming an addiction, and she needs to spend this week she’s on vacation focusing on meditation, her solar chakra, self-care, and her needs. The only connection it had to the roommate was their bond of drinking, but I couldn’t argue with the cards… it was an answer to a question that wasn’t necessarily being sought out, but in the end, was needed to hear. My friend apologized for not receiving the answer I was hoping to give her, but promised me it was a theme that was popping up in the readings from the beginning, so was probably needed to be said. I was okay, and told her that all I do is read the energy off the cards and interpret them – I don’t know why those cards were picked, but I’m just a conduit in the end. They weren’t wrong by any means, they were just not the answers I was after… but it’s okay, thats part of my learning curve too.

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I really do enjoy doing Tarot work, despite how draining it is. I started providing snacks for myself and my clients at the end of my sessions because food is great for grounding where I’m pie-in-the-sky from doing so much energy work. I’m glad my success is slow and steady, and I hope this is becoming something long-term for me.

For those who are interested, my facebook page is called My Pagan Friend Consult

 

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Containment Past The Breaking Point

I don’t know where to begin, other than with the tears I’ve had bottled up inside of me lately…

It starts with a steady stream of hating my “new job”. I got to work 2 weeks ago where I was told I was no longer front end and am now Deli only. I had made it vehemently clear I despise deli and was only willing to do it during the summer to fill some hours in to maintain my employment. When I was pulled into the manager office to attempt to explain my confusion and heart ache over the adjustments, I simply stated that I understood I was recently changed to deli, which I had not been made aware of since I was looking forward to going back to front end with my hours back to normal. Eric, the back end manager and the person I had to hold myself accountable to laid in the guilt trip very thick with statements such as “Given your current situation I was doing you a favor. I didn’ have to do this for you and I don’t do this for anyone else. You’re not going to get as many hours or as much pay standing around twiddling your thumbs with the rest of them. Based on your hours of availability you should be in deli…” my problem is A) I was made to feel ungrateful for such a “valuable” opportunity I was “given” that B) I wasn’t offered, I was made to take it. Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Eric, the back end manager and the person I had to hold myself accountable to, laid in the guilt trip very thick with statements such as “Given your current situation (homelessness) I was doing you a favor. I didn’ have to do this for you and I don’t do this for just anyone. You’re not going to get as many hours or as much pay standing around twiddling your thumbs with the rest of them. Based on your hours of availability you should be in deli…” my problem is A) I was made to feel ungrateful for such a “valuable” opportunity I was “given” that B) I wasn’t offered, had expressed in the past I hated, and was now made to take it. Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this however I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Yes, I understand I’m homeless. Yes, I understand it’s more pay. Yes, I understand there’s a possibility for more hours, but I didn’t get a say in this decision at all, and only AFTER I end up feeling guilty does he present me with “you wanna go back up front?” I did the only thing I could do and compromise and say I want to be scheduled both front and back. My front end boss who was present said “YES” under his breath but loud enough for us to hear it (which boosted my mood a little), but I walked away feeling defeated and selfish. hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

I hate how in deli I feel so isolated. I don’t particularly care for the majority of my co-workers or their incessant need to complain or step in on my work without seeing if I need the help in the first place. I hate that my only interaction with customers boils down to filling an order and sending them off, and I despise how I feel like a cog in a wheel of production. I go in, shut up, take my orders, and leave. It’s difficult for me to find a sense of place or value in a department that values production over people. Additionally, front end is not just people standing around chatting – its the bonding of the people between corporate and community that makes us valuable. We have times to keep and deal with a load of complaints from ungrateful people. We end up pushing those carts whether rain, sleet, blistering sun, or snow, and it sucks… but at the end of the day you feel a part of something good. You brighten peoples day, you develop a relationship with the customers… hell, I got a birthday card from one of them! The management up at the front end is also amazingly kind, caring, funny, and understanding. The coworkers are awesome… I mean I feel as if I’d lost so much. Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks…

Despite all this, I couldn’t speak up to Eric because he’d already shit on my department and made me feel ungrateful for a decision I had no control over, and due to his logic (which was sound), it made me feel in the wrong for having not just graciously accepted what he’d given me in the first place; so now I’m Deli and occasionally front end, but every day consumes me with the threat of tears when I get weeks when I’m not front end at all. My feet hurt, my shirts are covered in sweat and exhaustion, and I feel far from professional or feminine. I fear I’m being judged as the fat sweaty chick and it sucks… I even took my old work shirts to a dry cleaner to see if the stains would come out of them since they were better quality and theres no guarantee, and I’m not paying for something that may not even work.

Destiny is at it again and this time, she ran to my best friend Alex, who isn’t even friends with her! Destiny had just come back from a stressful vacation only to come home and find cat piss and shit all over the house, and the cats malnourished because her brother-in-law refused to care for them. The litter box was destroyed, and destiny was vehemently pissed and told me “I dont think I can ever have people over ever again.” Great, so after she promised I could sleep over, not only does she change her mind, but she tells me I can’t come over – period. I tried to take it in stride to see what happens, and the next day she says I can stay over. She told me how the day before she spent the whole day cleaning, had to buy new litter boxes, and one of them stared her dead in the eyes and pissed in the kitchen sink. As always, I’m listening and telling her that sucks but at least shes home now and it won’t happen again, blah blah blah – doing the supportive friend thing. Well, I crawl into bed that night, am watching TV, and destiny comes out and finds cat shit on the floor…. so whats her response? She blames me and my son for being there, saying it’s our fault because sleeping over stresses the cats out and THATS why they did it.
So let me get this straight – your cats were neglected for a whole week, developed a bad habit from having an overly full litter box, box was destroyed, got a new one that doesn’t smell like them anymore, hasn’t stopped being bad since you’ve gotten back and it’s OUR fault the cats shit on the floor. Our very presence is problematic for your cats… really? Then to make matters worse, I get a message from Alex in a state of panic asking me if Sy and I were okay…

destiny chat 1

From here I find out she’s been lying to me since we became “friends” again. I asked her if I’m no longer unblocked from facebook, and she tells me a few weeks ago she doesn’t have one anymore because it’s too much drama. The day I came over to the house, she’s on facebook and I confronted her. “I thought you didn’t have a facebook anymore… did you make a new one?” “No, this is Kams account.” I knew even then she was lying because she had told me ages ago they don’t keep passwords to each others accounts or go through them because of the infidelity and drama that happened, so it would just be healthier to not go through each others stuff and maintain their own lives through trust. I didn’t question her on it, but was suspicious, and let it go…. until Alex.

destiny 2

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I’m ready to send this to her and prove she’s a liar and be done with her. Even after I found this out I went with the “kill her with kindness” route and did all her dishes and wiped down her counter-tops before I left, but just to make sure I had my bases covered, I took pictures of the whole house as insurance just to prove the house was good when I left in case she decides to tell people she was kind enough to let me stay for 2 nights and we destroyed it…. instead she waits 24 hours after I’ve left and sends a nasty text saying my son destroyed her table with pen and she had to sand the whole thing down, but she’s “not mad at us.” Fuck you bitch, I’m mad at you! Ale and I are at a loss because I should drop destiny for lying to me at the very least, but I don’t know if that’s an over reaction on my part, and Alex isn’t sure either. It’s not my fault destiny chooses to stain a table and leave it unfinished to it’s exposed to any elements that may occur, such as water spilling, cat vomit, pen, and so on…. but then I’m afraid if I remove her after I’ve explained why I’m choosing to no longer be friends with her, I’m just isolating myself instead of being healthy and taking care of my needs…. but when I ran into her in the community on Thursday she wouldn’t say a word to me. I’m really sorry, but I’m trying to learn to value myself by not becoming intertwined in drama that brings me down and makes me feel like shit, carefully picking battles to fight or back away from… which brings me to my grandmother…

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This prompted me to actually read my grandmothers message that pissed me off rather than just skimming through it…

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She’s known my feelings for him and how emotionally abusive he’s been. She also told me how his behavior radically changes when he has friends over because he starts shitting on the women in the house. When she fed him fuel to the fire by telling him my whole lifes story, he came up stairs reeking of booze, layed down beside my bed, and said “Hey, I just want to let you know I’m here for you. Grandma told me everything that’s happened to you, and I get it because I was abused too, and I’m so sorry, and if you ever need anything let me know.”

While his words may give the appearance of care, really it was a terrifying experience. I laid their cowering in my blanket trying so hard to back away, but immobile and unable to move. His breath was awful, and I was so angry at my grandmother for empowering a man I had explained was emotionally manipulative. That whole week leading up to those events, I distanced myself from him as much as possible while he deliberately barked orders in front of his buddy so he could look at his friend and go “see what I mean?” which I heard him say.

The best analogy I can give for what my grandmother did in this message was this…. let’s pretend a friend of yours hooks you up on a date. He picks you up and things seem fine at first, but then the more you get to know him the more you realize he’s not the person he claimed to be. Then at the end of the date, he takes you home, forces his way in, rapes you, and leaves after telling you it’s your fault. Your “friend”, in turn, comes after you for going to the police because he bought you a free dinner and spent his own gas money, and to call the police shows how unappreciative you are of the gift that they offered you, making you the bad person for going to the police and standing up for yourself. Did he rape me? No, but multiple times he tried pushing through emotional barricades I had in place to protect myself, using his position as my grandfather and military experience to be entitled to know everything about me, and now that he “knows” and has deemed you “worthy” to be his family, he expects you to do exactly as he says or threatens to call the police and tells you what a worthless piece of shit you are (which he did).

This is where I come full circle again… I’m not “grateful” enough. I’m “selfish”. Everything is my fault and I should be thankful I have a job I was given without a choice, I should be thankful a “friend” gave me a place to sleep but shits on me the whole time and uses me as a backup therapist. I should be “thankful” that I was able to spend time with my grandparents, even though my grandfather was emotionally abusive and caused more grief for me rather than helped me. I literally can’t take this anymore. I have no one to talk to about it, and I’m suffering inside not knowing how to process whats abusive, if I’m over-reacting, and how to let it go. I’m drowning in tears that I can barely control, and have no place to let them out safely because I don’t have a place of my own or a place to go.

On Spirituality & Self

I suppose the need for control comes from the inability to forgive… If I could forgive, I wouldn’t need to have so many walls up…

What would it look like to forgive? What would it look like to forgive myself? Forgiveness and “letting go” go hand-in-hand… I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do it.


In my pro Christian days I don’t think I had it figured out then either… I mean when it felt like God had forgiven me, I was allowed to forgive myself, and in forgiveness there was a commitment to do better, die of the old ways of sin, and accept a new me… But that wasn’t really accepting me; it was flawed because I was rejecting parts of myself to be healed when healing requires taking the parts of ourselves we’ve rejected and integrating it back into ourselves. It seems like everything I had done on that journey was a journey of suppression and self-condemnation to earn the forgiveness of a meninist white-American dictator we know as a Christian “God” who presents himself as having borderline personality disorder.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt genuinely happy… It’s hard to appreciate what is good in my life, and that’s a chronic problem.


I read more of the love yourself heal your life book, and it talked about anger and what a pointless problem it is… Something happens and we get angry, then something happens and we get angry, and then something happens and we’re angry; it’s cyclical.

Ben didn’t come home last night and still hasn’t come home. I found out through Kylie he’s at Exeter hospital. He was there because of severe dehydration and malnourishment due to his CRPS, GERD, and something else… His bones were also starting to shrink because of everything, so they did surgery and put a permanent feeding tube in. It’s funny what we manifest for ourselves… Between facticious disorder and him being anorexic years ago, plus talk of a permanent pump that dispenses a slow and steady opioid-based painkiller for his nerve damage (oh, and the walking canes he now uses), it seems as if everything he’s told me he feared or use to wrestle with as a diagnosis is now manifesting all at once, and It’s baffling to watch. Additionally I find it funny that last week Kylie was all “yeah, I’m not gonna get involved in people’s medical stuff”, but yet she knew what was going on the whole time and has been – grrr. I can’t stand hypocrisy. 😡 that or she’s deliberately trying to push me away from him the same way she tried to prevent us from becoming friends… Good old times. >.>’

*sigh* I went from feeling deeply to pissed in 1 thought. Fucking hell… I do hope Ben is okay. He’s been enjoying all the attention he’s been getting online lately through all his support groups telling him what a hero he is for his struggle. I really hope this isn’t some deep manifestation of self-sabotage on his end… It’s just all so… Ironic.

In the end it’s not my journey, but I still fear for him because I care; I just try to keep my distance because I don’t think he wants me involved cause if he did, he’d just openly tell me.

I hate myself again… 😓 I went looking for a spell for forgiveness and there was nothing for self-forgiveness or anything that seemed relevant. I could create my own, but I’d have to know the emotion to tap into and the vision of what it would look like, but I don’t have that at all.

I’m lost… So very lost. On a side note I talked about how since I was a kid whenever I would pray or engage in spiritual/energy work, I yawn a ton although I’m not tired. Turns out I’m releasing a ton of higher energy all at once; grounding myself and taking in energy from other sources (such as the earth) could help with that. As irony would have it, I can open the crown chakra way too easily but have the worst time opening the root chakra. Visual techniques for chakra work never work for me.

Update: finally found a spell, and it reminds me of a Buddhist mantra. Original post can be found on justwicca.com

Forgive self spell:

As I work on myself and work on changing my life for the better, I realize how hurt I am and how fragile I am as a person and human being. I have a lot of emotion pent up inside of me. A lot of issues, a lot of darkness, a lot of anger. I wanted to write a forgiveness spell to help aid in the release of those emotions from your life.

Wiccan Forgiveness Spell

1. Cast your circle

2. Light a candle (this should be decided by you. Have a look at spell candles: colors and meanings for more information)

3. Close your eyes.

4. Chant the following : I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank You.

5. Chant the sentences, in that order – for 9 minutes.

6. Do this often.

This chant is a very ancient tradition and it helps tremendously to clear negative energies and karma. You can enhance this forgiveness spell by writing a letter of self-forgiveness and piercing a needle through the lemon with the letter attached.

A lot of of my spells lately have included lemon. Check out my new lemon love spell. I see that lemon represents; love, success and healing – all of which apply here.

Take the lemon and bury it in a place that you do have to see often. This symbolizes the release of this energy away from you – the distance and also renewal. The earth will change the lemon and the negative energies attached to them. It will wither and fade -just like your pain – and transform into something more.

This was my forgiveness spell MAINLY for self-forgiveness. This spell should be used as you see fit. You are co-creating your universe and you do have a say in how you want your life to turn out. I am working on being patient, kind and generous because those things weren’t shown to me as a child and I would like to be healthy of mind and spirit before utilizing my full mother Goddess energy.

I am working on creating a YouTube to upload pagan meditations. I have one spell enhancement video up – but cannot wait to create more for you guys!

Thank you for joining the forum! Thank you for liking and sharing this post. Hey – a powerful woman told me you were awesome! –  Thanks for being awesome!

Woot!

 

 

The Context of Intimacy


I feel like a manipulative asshole!

I wasn’t trying to BE manipulative, I was just blind to what was going on… Where I have a hard time understanding intimacy apparently, I have to wonder to what degree it exists outside the realms of a romantic relationship – was I asking for too much, or is he fearful of intimacy and in so shamed me without understanding what was going on, and I internalized and adopted his perspective as truth. Everytime this emotion gets kicked up I just wanna flip someone off and lash out a hearty “fuck you” for “making” me feel this way, but in the end I know I’m just trying to deflect the emotion and suppress it. Honestly I just wanted to get to know him better and vice-versa because I thought it was a safe enough friendship to do that… I was never looking for a relationship, and he never said anything to suggest I’d done something wrong, continuing the pain and making it worse. I hate him for that… I hate him for thinking so little of me, and convincing me to see so little of myself, because if I don’t take ownership of his perspective of me then I’m in denial, but if I do then I’m a god-awful human being who was trying to prey on him when I wasn’t… I never was… Yes the boundaries were blurred but I was blind to what he wasn’t telling me…

I have to sit with this emotion, I know I do, but I’m afraid too because again, the perspective I start to carry of myself is that I’m a manipulative bitch, and that damages what little self-esteem I have and makes me even more susceptible to the fragility that could destroy me… Damaging my low self-esteem I don’t believe is the answer, but feeling fragile? Probably. I’m just afraid I’m going to break even more by having such a hateful image of who I am… I know damn well I need to sit with this, I know I do… I just hate myself for feeling this broken. It’s my job to fix this, and I am lost in the moment that I’m unsure how to be enter with myself.

This is what I need to feel I suppose if I’m to break the addiction cycle… I just wish I was better at doing this… At least this book is getting through to me I guess… Half way through facing love addiction and I know I’m gonna need to read it again a devise a way to heal myself.

Anger, panic, loss, trying to regain control when I need to feel this, and I fear I’m in denial but I don’t believe I am… The perfectionist in me wants me to take on more than I can chew, even if it’s not real or not there just to I can work with the emotion, crack harder, fall further, keep hitting rock bottom until I am somehow whole or enlightened and can finally accept everything – no more blind spots or corners veiled in black that I didn’t know existed…

At this point I’m going to have to retreat and meditate for a while to calm down; I shouldn’t be facing this emotion at this time; my roommates are home and I have a kiddo to raise.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck….

Another Coworker Dream

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I don’t remember much of the dream… just the feeling I got at one particular time.

There is a guy I work with who, as it turns out, is into anime, video games, and has his own band. Well, the other day (in real life) we got paired up with one another to work on an adventure (yes we go one adventures), and we ended up getting to know each other a little better. As time progressed, I began to understand that he’s a really caring guy who just comes off a little strong at times, but means really well. I felt connected to him, and I respect the work he does. This connection and understanding of him is I suppose what lead to this dream…

So we’re at my house and he’s over to play cards against humanity, some PC stuff, and watch anime. We’re having fun, we’re hanging out, and eventually we start snuggling up on the couch together… even though it was just snuggling, there was a sense of intimacy there that I just don’t get in real life, but I’ve felt before. I miss that. :-/ Needless to say I kinda wanted to pounce him in my dream but I didn’t. 😛 All that truly stands out however is just the happiness of being able to rest my head on him while we watch some crappy show. ❤ That was good enough for me.

Swayed But Not Deterred

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Today I received my rejection letter for a position I had applied for internally for the organization I have come to love. At first I cried… I couldn’t help it. I thought I had sold myself so well, but yet I didn’t get the job… what had I done wrong?

Turns out, I did nothing wrong. What really happened is the woman who was responsible for the Maine responsibilities, and the only one knowledgeable in that department to train me had given her notice; this meant that there was no one available to train me, and they could only hire someone with previous experience working for Maine.

On the one hand I was put at ease, and when asked if there was something I had done differently during the interview, there was one slight misunderstanding about my paperwork, but it had no real bearing on it. The fact that I in truth would have landed this position put me at ease, but I still feel like the value of my worth, and my potential to transform this organization has not been utilized. Additionally, I can’t continue to survive on the income I’m receiving. If something doesn’t give, I’ll be forced to leave, and I really can’t do that….

Instead after much thought and some inspiration from my friend Trevor, I have finally got a solid plan to create my own position, as well as growth for my coworkers, and tonight I’ll be typing up the business proposal. Even as I conceptualize this though, I’m deeply wounded and crying for not getting the job. In the end however, before going to my interview, I spoke with Gina and made it clear that two paths lay before me: I can build the organization from the ground up in Sanford, or I can find ways to repair the problems here in Portsmouth; I don’t know where I’m more valuable however, and what my place/purpose is. I guess this rejection comes with a heavy heart, but it’s steering me in the right direction. I really hope my idea is solid and strong enough to be the solutions this organization needs to continue to benefit our clients.

Rattled & Dumb

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I’m hanging out with a coworker and her boyfriend, when I accidentally cause a fight to erupt by giving him a hug. >.>’ I feel horrible, like I’m some kind player caught cheating (though I would assume players wouldn’t feel bad – ever). I apologize, but before I can even get the words out of my mouth she’s turned on her boyfriend for allowing it to happen in the first place. Finally a sorry comes out of my mouth, and I try to make it clear I’m just a hug-seeking sort of person in general (which I am), but thats not an excuse. She pretty much ignores me, they both leave, and I feel shaken and horrified. All I wanted was a hug….. o.O’

In the end the whole thing was a pretty dumb dream, but the residual effect… kinda like going into shock, is whats bothering me.
I know afterwards I join up with “she” and “cher” to get some work done, but it somehow feels patronizing to me…. I end up being annoyed by the end of it,

Days gone by

First real day of spring and I am so happy to have spent it outside! First I got my crew from work out the door to do a little bit of walking through some trails, then I took the other crew to the beach to enjoy the ocean…. last I took myself hiking up a mountain and past a waterfall. Yep, today was pretty awesome. Oh! All the frogs were coming out of the ponds! I saw at least 60 of them that I could count, and had about 12 of them near by. I’m sure there were more than 60 but thats the best I could do chillin out by the pond for 10 minutes. 😀

Other than that, still soul digging into who I am. I have such a hard time fighting anxiety since it seems so residual, but I’m hoping to learn otherwise.

A Job for Life

I’m at my former place of employment – Yangtze, and I’m begging for a job from Moe. I feel incredibly small… almost half his height; in real life however he’s only about 2 or 3 inches taller than me. He seems somewhat kinder and fatter than he use to be, but I don’t question it. He listens attentively to me and responds both kindly and favorably; then just as he was about to give me the okay to start working, the entire Yangtze crew of waitresses interjects between me and the boss. The odd thing is I don’t know any of them, but they all “know” me. The first girl is heavy set, snooty, and has dirty blonde hair; you can tell she smokes and drinks heavily from the condition of her skin and teeth. Anyway, she pipes in to speak against me and tells Moe I shouldn’t be hired back because they all had too many problems with me. Calmly and rationally, I confronted her and told her to tell me the problems she had with me, stating “I can’t take ownership or responsibility for my actions until you tell me what I did wrong.” She was dumb struck but trying to keep her composure, so I said “go ahead, tell me what I did wrong, and then I can tell you what you did wrong.” I heard this kind of “Oooo” in the background and “psh” off to the side. Obviously I was pissed. Here I am begging for a job because my life and my sons life is on the line, and then this bitch who doesn’t even know me decides to step in and dictate my life? Who the hell does she think she is!?! Never the less they all disperse and I kind of wander around the restaurant waiting for a response from Moe. Then another waitress steps forward and decides to “inform “me whats “wrong” with me, without actually telling me whats wrong. She was my height, black hair, African American, medium thickness with her weight; actually she was very pretty. She told me I should just leave because I’m gonna screw everyone over. I told her “I dont even know you!!! Who are you to say anything?”, but she just kept telling me I suck, I’m gonna screw everyone over, I should leave, etc… She finally leaves and I walk back over to Moe. He WAS going to give me the job, but now because of the waitresses, and my less than flattering performance on saying I was gonna tell the other waitress whats wrong with her, he decides he doesn’t want to anymore. I break-down in a hard, heavy, and painful cry, trying to keep it as quiet as possible which made the intensity worse. The only thing that ran through me was the feeling that dictation between life and death was made for me and my son; we had no hope. Moe saw me sobbing and he visibly felt bad, but had made up his mind. The dream ends.

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Yangtze Restaurant

I’m working at yangtze again. I walked in looking for a job app, and Moe hired me on the spot. Strangely enough I was already wearing the black and white attire. Customers start pouring in and I’m taking orders like I use to. Katie and Heather were there from old, but Aris was now working there too. I refused to say anymore than hi to him, and I ignored him the rest of the time he tried to approach me or talk to me. He never asked about our son either. He quit after that.

I remember making a table wait for their tea and water too long and felt bad for them, but I got stressed out too cause the water cups had changed big time and I couldn’t find them. Avy stayed in the kitchen working for the most part. At one point I started to talk to a couple who had just sat down, but then I remembered they weren’t in my side of the restaurant, they were in Aris’s. After a bout two minutes with him listening in I tell the customers Aris will take their order. They get kinda annoyed and I leave.

Weird dream.