Tag Archives: work

On Spirituality & Self

I suppose the need for control comes from the inability to forgive… If I could forgive, I wouldn’t need to have so many walls up…

What would it look like to forgive? What would it look like to forgive myself? Forgiveness and “letting go” go hand-in-hand… I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do it.


In my pro Christian days I don’t think I had it figured out then either… I mean when it felt like God had forgiven me, I was allowed to forgive myself, and in forgiveness there was a commitment to do better, die of the old ways of sin, and accept a new me… But that wasn’t really accepting me; it was flawed because I was rejecting parts of myself to be healed when healing requires taking the parts of ourselves we’ve rejected and integrating it back into ourselves. It seems like everything I had done on that journey was a journey of suppression and self-condemnation to earn the forgiveness of a meninist white-American dictator we know as a Christian “God” who presents himself as having borderline personality disorder.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt genuinely happy… It’s hard to appreciate what is good in my life, and that’s a chronic problem.


I read more of the love yourself heal your life book, and it talked about anger and what a pointless problem it is… Something happens and we get angry, then something happens and we get angry, and then something happens and we’re angry; it’s cyclical.

Ben didn’t come home last night and still hasn’t come home. I found out through Kylie he’s at Exeter hospital. He was there because of severe dehydration and malnourishment due to his CRPS, GERD, and something else… His bones were also starting to shrink because of everything, so they did surgery and put a permanent feeding tube in. It’s funny what we manifest for ourselves… Between facticious disorder and him being anorexic years ago, plus talk of a permanent pump that dispenses a slow and steady opioid-based painkiller for his nerve damage (oh, and the walking canes he now uses), it seems as if everything he’s told me he feared or use to wrestle with as a diagnosis is now manifesting all at once, and It’s baffling to watch. Additionally I find it funny that last week Kylie was all “yeah, I’m not gonna get involved in people’s medical stuff”, but yet she knew what was going on the whole time and has been – grrr. I can’t stand hypocrisy. 😡 that or she’s deliberately trying to push me away from him the same way she tried to prevent us from becoming friends… Good old times. >.>’

*sigh* I went from feeling deeply to pissed in 1 thought. Fucking hell… I do hope Ben is okay. He’s been enjoying all the attention he’s been getting online lately through all his support groups telling him what a hero he is for his struggle. I really hope this isn’t some deep manifestation of self-sabotage on his end… It’s just all so… Ironic.

In the end it’s not my journey, but I still fear for him because I care; I just try to keep my distance because I don’t think he wants me involved cause if he did, he’d just openly tell me.

I hate myself again… 😓 I went looking for a spell for forgiveness and there was nothing for self-forgiveness or anything that seemed relevant. I could create my own, but I’d have to know the emotion to tap into and the vision of what it would look like, but I don’t have that at all.

I’m lost… So very lost. On a side note I talked about how since I was a kid whenever I would pray or engage in spiritual/energy work, I yawn a ton although I’m not tired. Turns out I’m releasing a ton of higher energy all at once; grounding myself and taking in energy from other sources (such as the earth) could help with that. As irony would have it, I can open the crown chakra way too easily but have the worst time opening the root chakra. Visual techniques for chakra work never work for me.

Update: finally found a spell, and it reminds me of a Buddhist mantra. Original post can be found on justwicca.com

Forgive self spell:

As I work on myself and work on changing my life for the better, I realize how hurt I am and how fragile I am as a person and human being. I have a lot of emotion pent up inside of me. A lot of issues, a lot of darkness, a lot of anger. I wanted to write a forgiveness spell to help aid in the release of those emotions from your life.

Wiccan Forgiveness Spell

1. Cast your circle

2. Light a candle (this should be decided by you. Have a look at spell candles: colors and meanings for more information)

3. Close your eyes.

4. Chant the following : I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank You.

5. Chant the sentences, in that order – for 9 minutes.

6. Do this often.

This chant is a very ancient tradition and it helps tremendously to clear negative energies and karma. You can enhance this forgiveness spell by writing a letter of self-forgiveness and piercing a needle through the lemon with the letter attached.

A lot of of my spells lately have included lemon. Check out my new lemon love spell. I see that lemon represents; love, success and healing – all of which apply here.

Take the lemon and bury it in a place that you do have to see often. This symbolizes the release of this energy away from you – the distance and also renewal. The earth will change the lemon and the negative energies attached to them. It will wither and fade -just like your pain – and transform into something more.

This was my forgiveness spell MAINLY for self-forgiveness. This spell should be used as you see fit. You are co-creating your universe and you do have a say in how you want your life to turn out. I am working on being patient, kind and generous because those things weren’t shown to me as a child and I would like to be healthy of mind and spirit before utilizing my full mother Goddess energy.

I am working on creating a YouTube to upload pagan meditations. I have one spell enhancement video up – but cannot wait to create more for you guys!

Thank you for joining the forum! Thank you for liking and sharing this post. Hey – a powerful woman told me you were awesome! –  Thanks for being awesome!

Woot!

 

 

The Context of Intimacy


I feel like a manipulative asshole!

I wasn’t trying to BE manipulative, I was just blind to what was going on… Where I have a hard time understanding intimacy apparently, I have to wonder to what degree it exists outside the realms of a romantic relationship – was I asking for too much, or is he fearful of intimacy and in so shamed me without understanding what was going on, and I internalized and adopted his perspective as truth. Everytime this emotion gets kicked up I just wanna flip someone off and lash out a hearty “fuck you” for “making” me feel this way, but in the end I know I’m just trying to deflect the emotion and suppress it. Honestly I just wanted to get to know him better and vice-versa because I thought it was a safe enough friendship to do that… I was never looking for a relationship, and he never said anything to suggest I’d done something wrong, continuing the pain and making it worse. I hate him for that… I hate him for thinking so little of me, and convincing me to see so little of myself, because if I don’t take ownership of his perspective of me then I’m in denial, but if I do then I’m a god-awful human being who was trying to prey on him when I wasn’t… I never was… Yes the boundaries were blurred but I was blind to what he wasn’t telling me…

I have to sit with this emotion, I know I do, but I’m afraid too because again, the perspective I start to carry of myself is that I’m a manipulative bitch, and that damages what little self-esteem I have and makes me even more susceptible to the fragility that could destroy me… Damaging my low self-esteem I don’t believe is the answer, but feeling fragile? Probably. I’m just afraid I’m going to break even more by having such a hateful image of who I am… I know damn well I need to sit with this, I know I do… I just hate myself for feeling this broken. It’s my job to fix this, and I am lost in the moment that I’m unsure how to be enter with myself.

This is what I need to feel I suppose if I’m to break the addiction cycle… I just wish I was better at doing this… At least this book is getting through to me I guess… Half way through facing love addiction and I know I’m gonna need to read it again a devise a way to heal myself.

Anger, panic, loss, trying to regain control when I need to feel this, and I fear I’m in denial but I don’t believe I am… The perfectionist in me wants me to take on more than I can chew, even if it’s not real or not there just to I can work with the emotion, crack harder, fall further, keep hitting rock bottom until I am somehow whole or enlightened and can finally accept everything – no more blind spots or corners veiled in black that I didn’t know existed…

At this point I’m going to have to retreat and meditate for a while to calm down; I shouldn’t be facing this emotion at this time; my roommates are home and I have a kiddo to raise.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck….

Another Coworker Dream

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I don’t remember much of the dream… just the feeling I got at one particular time.

There is a guy I work with who, as it turns out, is into anime, video games, and has his own band. Well, the other day (in real life) we got paired up with one another to work on an adventure (yes we go one adventures), and we ended up getting to know each other a little better. As time progressed, I began to understand that he’s a really caring guy who just comes off a little strong at times, but means really well. I felt connected to him, and I respect the work he does. This connection and understanding of him is I suppose what lead to this dream…

So we’re at my house and he’s over to play cards against humanity, some PC stuff, and watch anime. We’re having fun, we’re hanging out, and eventually we start snuggling up on the couch together… even though it was just snuggling, there was a sense of intimacy there that I just don’t get in real life, but I’ve felt before. I miss that. :-/ Needless to say I kinda wanted to pounce him in my dream but I didn’t. 😛 All that truly stands out however is just the happiness of being able to rest my head on him while we watch some crappy show. ❤ That was good enough for me.

Swayed But Not Deterred

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Today I received my rejection letter for a position I had applied for internally for the organization I have come to love. At first I cried… I couldn’t help it. I thought I had sold myself so well, but yet I didn’t get the job… what had I done wrong?

Turns out, I did nothing wrong. What really happened is the woman who was responsible for the Maine responsibilities, and the only one knowledgeable in that department to train me had given her notice; this meant that there was no one available to train me, and they could only hire someone with previous experience working for Maine.

On the one hand I was put at ease, and when asked if there was something I had done differently during the interview, there was one slight misunderstanding about my paperwork, but it had no real bearing on it. The fact that I in truth would have landed this position put me at ease, but I still feel like the value of my worth, and my potential to transform this organization has not been utilized. Additionally, I can’t continue to survive on the income I’m receiving. If something doesn’t give, I’ll be forced to leave, and I really can’t do that….

Instead after much thought and some inspiration from my friend Trevor, I have finally got a solid plan to create my own position, as well as growth for my coworkers, and tonight I’ll be typing up the business proposal. Even as I conceptualize this though, I’m deeply wounded and crying for not getting the job. In the end however, before going to my interview, I spoke with Gina and made it clear that two paths lay before me: I can build the organization from the ground up in Sanford, or I can find ways to repair the problems here in Portsmouth; I don’t know where I’m more valuable however, and what my place/purpose is. I guess this rejection comes with a heavy heart, but it’s steering me in the right direction. I really hope my idea is solid and strong enough to be the solutions this organization needs to continue to benefit our clients.

Rattled & Dumb

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I’m hanging out with a coworker and her boyfriend, when I accidentally cause a fight to erupt by giving him a hug. >.>’ I feel horrible, like I’m some kind player caught cheating (though I would assume players wouldn’t feel bad – ever). I apologize, but before I can even get the words out of my mouth she’s turned on her boyfriend for allowing it to happen in the first place. Finally a sorry comes out of my mouth, and I try to make it clear I’m just a hug-seeking sort of person in general (which I am), but thats not an excuse. She pretty much ignores me, they both leave, and I feel shaken and horrified. All I wanted was a hug….. o.O’

In the end the whole thing was a pretty dumb dream, but the residual effect… kinda like going into shock, is whats bothering me.
I know afterwards I join up with “she” and “cher” to get some work done, but it somehow feels patronizing to me…. I end up being annoyed by the end of it,

Days gone by

First real day of spring and I am so happy to have spent it outside! First I got my crew from work out the door to do a little bit of walking through some trails, then I took the other crew to the beach to enjoy the ocean…. last I took myself hiking up a mountain and past a waterfall. Yep, today was pretty awesome. Oh! All the frogs were coming out of the ponds! I saw at least 60 of them that I could count, and had about 12 of them near by. I’m sure there were more than 60 but thats the best I could do chillin out by the pond for 10 minutes. 😀

Other than that, still soul digging into who I am. I have such a hard time fighting anxiety since it seems so residual, but I’m hoping to learn otherwise.

A Job for Life

I’m at my former place of employment – Yangtze, and I’m begging for a job from Moe. I feel incredibly small… almost half his height; in real life however he’s only about 2 or 3 inches taller than me. He seems somewhat kinder and fatter than he use to be, but I don’t question it. He listens attentively to me and responds both kindly and favorably; then just as he was about to give me the okay to start working, the entire Yangtze crew of waitresses interjects between me and the boss. The odd thing is I don’t know any of them, but they all “know” me. The first girl is heavy set, snooty, and has dirty blonde hair; you can tell she smokes and drinks heavily from the condition of her skin and teeth. Anyway, she pipes in to speak against me and tells Moe I shouldn’t be hired back because they all had too many problems with me. Calmly and rationally, I confronted her and told her to tell me the problems she had with me, stating “I can’t take ownership or responsibility for my actions until you tell me what I did wrong.” She was dumb struck but trying to keep her composure, so I said “go ahead, tell me what I did wrong, and then I can tell you what you did wrong.” I heard this kind of “Oooo” in the background and “psh” off to the side. Obviously I was pissed. Here I am begging for a job because my life and my sons life is on the line, and then this bitch who doesn’t even know me decides to step in and dictate my life? Who the hell does she think she is!?! Never the less they all disperse and I kind of wander around the restaurant waiting for a response from Moe. Then another waitress steps forward and decides to “inform “me whats “wrong” with me, without actually telling me whats wrong. She was my height, black hair, African American, medium thickness with her weight; actually she was very pretty. She told me I should just leave because I’m gonna screw everyone over. I told her “I dont even know you!!! Who are you to say anything?”, but she just kept telling me I suck, I’m gonna screw everyone over, I should leave, etc… She finally leaves and I walk back over to Moe. He WAS going to give me the job, but now because of the waitresses, and my less than flattering performance on saying I was gonna tell the other waitress whats wrong with her, he decides he doesn’t want to anymore. I break-down in a hard, heavy, and painful cry, trying to keep it as quiet as possible which made the intensity worse. The only thing that ran through me was the feeling that dictation between life and death was made for me and my son; we had no hope. Moe saw me sobbing and he visibly felt bad, but had made up his mind. The dream ends.

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Yangtze Restaurant

I’m working at yangtze again. I walked in looking for a job app, and Moe hired me on the spot. Strangely enough I was already wearing the black and white attire. Customers start pouring in and I’m taking orders like I use to. Katie and Heather were there from old, but Aris was now working there too. I refused to say anymore than hi to him, and I ignored him the rest of the time he tried to approach me or talk to me. He never asked about our son either. He quit after that.

I remember making a table wait for their tea and water too long and felt bad for them, but I got stressed out too cause the water cups had changed big time and I couldn’t find them. Avy stayed in the kitchen working for the most part. At one point I started to talk to a couple who had just sat down, but then I remembered they weren’t in my side of the restaurant, they were in Aris’s. After a bout two minutes with him listening in I tell the customers Aris will take their order. They get kinda annoyed and I leave.

Weird dream.

Down Down To China Town

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The first part of the dream I remember being at a massive Chinese restaurant. I don’t remember if I was officially working for them or not, but Moe Wong was in it. I was helping to keep the buffet tables stocked after I had a little with my dad. There were a bunch of tables and chairs, and bunches of booths for everyone. It filled up sizably well.

From there I don’t know if I was still at the restaurant and he showed up or I went to a concert, but Michael Jackson rings loudly through my head. I know he was a part of it. I know I was outside at some point at what I think is a massive park.

Last I had some EXTRAORDINARILY hot guy in my room – the kind I don’t ever dream about or talk to in real life cause I don’t look good enough. He was thin – but deliciously sculpted and somewhat bulked up from working out; Dark brown hair, amazing blue eyes, a little tan…. not someone I could ever indulge in in real life. We were playfully teasing each other in my bed, when he made a comment about getting me to talk. I responded “Talk? I’ll show you about getting someone to talk!” He laughed, and I head on over to my dresser to grab a thing of bed restraints. The point was to tease him to death so he has to open up and tell me exactly what he wants. I rummage through drawer after drawer over and over again, but I couldn’t find them. I’m now annoyed. I go back to my partner, but never made it.

I woke up.